tagHumor & SatireExcel for Dummies

Excel for Dummies


Sean sat down at his computer almost heavily, dreading this part of the assignment in particular. He was never any good with these damned things and now he had to his hard-researched information into an Excel spreadsheet. He hadn't even used this particular program before. This was going to be just fucking great!

Sighing, he booted up the machine and flipped through his notes from class. "Excel for Dummies"... Sean couldn't help but chuckle, pulling out the paper his buddy's girl, Sharise, had given him. She was a computer geek in every sense of the word except for the fact that she was drop-dead gorgeous and highly fuckable. If she hadn't been Troi's girl... Sean shook his head, clearing that image from his mind and popped in the disk she had given him as well. "Here, this is guaranteed to help you through Excel and entertain you along the way," she had said, including a sly win. "Consider it my gift for Nude Day." Nude Day?? What the fuck is that supposed to be?

Sean shrugged, turning to his computer screen and clicked out of all the junk that popped up along with everything he did need. "Damned pop-up shit," he muttered as his DSL program went right on-line. Browsing his notes for a moment, he glanced up, bracing himself for the task ahead but was stopped short by a huge pop-up screen flashing on the monitor... NUDE DAY 2004 – Don't Forget to join in the Fun! "Nude day?? There it is again!" brushed through his lips with an exasperated sigh but couldn't help but browse through some of the pictures of past Nude Day celebrations. "Damn, she's hot," he muttered, spying a particularly shapely blonde with a huge pair of tits and a hairless pussy, shamelessly exposing herself in a seductive pose for the camera. Sean could feel his cock twitch and just when he would continue browsing, Sharise's homemade program popped up, blocking his view with that mocking banner... Excel for Dummies. Sean couldn't help but laugh as he settled back into the task at hand.

Pulling up the program Sean's face went blank staring at the screen full of a bunch of damned empty boxes and letters. "I can't do this shit," he mumbled, glancing back down at the paper that Sharise had printed out for him. Following her instructions, he looked up at the top of the document and clicked on Help and then Show the Office Assistant. Sean's mouth dropped when instead of that dorky little Einstein fellow, Sharise herself, in cartoon form popped up with a sly wink. Sean couldn't help but grin, leaning in a bit closer to the screen to check out this Anime-style reproduction of Troi's hot girl. He could make out the swell of firm tits tipped with hard nipples tightly encased in a tank top and the edge of tempting butt cheeks hanging out slightly from the back of her short shorts. Thinking this might be worth checking out, he glanced to see what came next.

That damned little thing wasn't doing anything to help. In fact, it was kinda distracting him because every once in a while it would either cast him this sexy wink or lick its lips and he couldn't help but picture Sharise doing it. Hell, she practically was with this animated version of her hot little body right there on his screen. Glancing down at the paper, he tried to focus on the task at hand but then he heard through the speakers the distinct voice of Sharise... "Happy Nude Day, stud... what can I do to help you celebrate?"

Sean glanced up again, a wry grin on his face as he glanced at the little minx of a helper on his screen and found himself answering the damned thing. "You can start by getting your sexy hot ass over here," he laughed, and damned if that thing didn't lick her lips and wink at him. Shaking his head, Sean moved his curser up to the Help box and then on Microsoft Excel Help to read up on what exactly he was supposed to do. Surprisingly when he did, he was rewarded with Sharise's words coming across the speakers again... "That's it stud," and proceeded to pull the bindings out of her animated hair and shake it loose. Sean did a double take and stared at his little office helper in disbelief. How'd she do that?? All it did was wink saucily in return. Swallowing a bit to clear his head, Sean began to read...Excel has three types of add-in programs: Excel add-ins, custom Component Object Model (COM) add-ins, and automation add-ins.

Following the instructions and referring to the paper Sharise had printed out for him, Sean began to add in his information into the boxes littering his screen. Using his tab key, he moved to the next column of blank boxes and was rewarded again with Sharise's voice... "Mmmm, you know just what to do." Blinking in surprise, Sean was rewarded by the animated figure of his office companion begin to peel of her shirt. He couldn't help but feel a twinge in his cock as he saw Sharise's eyes bore into his from the screen and then toss her tank top aside, glorious firm tits exposed with coral-tipped hard nipples. "Oh shit," slipped out from between his surprised grin. Seeing where this was going, he quickly continued typing out his information and every time he did something right, another article of clothing came off.

Sharise's animated body was perfect; huge firm tits with hard nipples, flat belly with a piercing just like hers in real life, lean rounded hips that ended in long shapely legs.... Even down to the patch of blonde hair shaped in the shape of a heart above that place that he wanted to see even more. By this time, Sean's cock was rock hard as his imagination took flight. "God damned paper... all I want to do is jerk off with a fucking cartoon!" he exclaimed, agitated and turned on as hell. Out of pure irritation, Sean right clicked on that nude little imp and hid her, taking deep breaths to control his desires that were spiraling out of control. "That bitch... I'm going to fucking beat her ass the next time I see her."

Adjusting in his seat, he tried to focus on his work, beads of perspiration dotting his hair line. Now that he had his information loaded into the confusing array of boxes, he had to arrange his columns alphabetically in order for his grade to show his understanding of the whole damned process. Cursing beneath his breath, he clicked on help again to find out how to do that, a groan escaping his lips as Sharise's animated body popped back up, her voice clear on his speakers once more, "Oooooo, right there baby." The damned thing started fingering herself! Sean shifted in his seat and wondering how in the hell he was supposed to finish his paper when this crap kept happening. He was tempted to toss the whole deal when Sharise's voice drawled out again, her fingers sliding in and out of that hot little animated cunt, "Don't you want to finish me off, stud?"

How in the fuck does she DO that?!?! "God damn bitch," he raged at the monitor even as his hand slid down between his legs to absently stroke himself through his jeans. Pulling his hand away quickly as if on fire, he cursed as he continued to work on his paper, but every minute was becoming unbearable. His gaze kept slipping to that animated character of Sharise's fingering her hole and he couldn't help but imagine how he'd fuck the living daylights out of her if she'd step out of that god damned screen.

Minute but agonizing minute, each step he completed, the hot little office helper would change positions, fucking herself with her fingers or tease the rim of her ass, wiggling it right towards his face as he worked. At one point he had to unzip his jeans and take it out, it was throbbing so much. Little moans and whimpers were starting to come from the speakers the closer he got to finishing his page and every time he stopped to save his work that damned little office helper would twist her nipples and shudder. Sean was pretty much in agony the longer he worked. His cock was throbbing and his balls were beginning to swell. That little fucker was making him go blue-balled!

As his fingers shook over the keys, he could feel the pressure building, his lust-glazed eyes glancing back and forth between his paper and the office helper writhing on his monitor. She had a dildo out how, pumping it in and out of her tight little hole and Sean was about to blow his fucking load! He groaned as he saved his paper one last final time and Sharise's voice came over the speakers, loud and clear, "Ooooo yeah, baby... I'm gonna cum! She's gonna cum for daddy!" Sean felt his own cock throb and begin to buck, pushing back from his computer just in time as his balls exploded, sending thick streams of thick goo into the air, just missing his monitor as that little fucker on his screen got off on that dildo that rammed her like a piston.

Sean collapsed back in his swivel chair, shaking from disbelief as his new little office helper pulled the dildo out of her cunt and licked it clean, casting a saucy wink towards him as the speakers announced, "File done." Just when he would have cursed her once more, he heard the whirr of his printer and rolling to the left, making a wide curve to miss the puddle on the floor, Sean's brows furrowed, pulling the freshly printed paper from machine, turning it to read... Congratulations Stud! You have officially graduated from Sharise's "Excel for Dummies". Have a great Nude Day! Sean's laughter filled the air, large hands crumpling the paper and aiming it for the trash can. Well at least he had an idea what Nude Day was now.

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