Fading Memories

AUTHOR'S INTRODUCTION; This is a love story, it has its ups and downs. But life is like that -- so is love. I hesitate, but feel obligated, to warn that this story touches on some harsh realities. There is some content that speaks of physical handicaps that I hope are portrayed in a respectful way. If such content isn't something you want to read about, I understand. To be honest, this story surprised me but I followed the bread crumbs and I'm not ashamed of it. I estimate that the story, when published, will be about 3-1/2 pages.

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TAGS for this story; first love, Colorado, 1970's, handicap, Polio, outdoors, hippies, Hispanic female main character, Caucasian male main character, fond memories, strong female, emotional, old age.

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Scene One: Durango Colorado 1973 - The Sting of Rejection - The Hope of Our Beginning

There's not a parking space open on Main Street that I can see as I walk toward the club -- hope Shelia can find a place to park close by. The crowd at Farquahrts is buzzing when I walk in.That couple abandoning their table look to be leaving -- I quickly take it while I can, but now I'm kinda stuck here guarding our table until she shows up. Oh well, the band is pretty good, might as well relax and wait. That guy just gave his girl a Valentine card, nice to know I won't be the only one relying on a fun night here to help win her over. Looking the crowd over again -- I see Shelia at the bar waiting for me, duh -- hope she hasn't been waiting long. My ... our table is gone after only a couple of steps toward her -- oh well.

"Hey Shelia, I didn't see you until just now -- you been here long?"

"Oh, not long ... maybe thirty minutes. What'cha you up to?"

"Don't you remember we had a date to meet here tonight?"

"Oh, we did, didn't we. Sorry, sorta slipped my mind."

"No biggie, we're here now. I also have something for you." I take the card from my jacket pocket and put it on the bar. "I guess I'm supposed to ask; will you be my Valentine? There's a surprise inside." The look on her face isn't the smile I expected.

"Sorry Jason, I'm actually waiting for someone else. In fact, he just walked in. See ya around, okay?"

I take her seat before anyone else can grab it and sit somewhat dumbfounded wondering what just happened. She acted like she barely knew me ....

***

Bummer, when I saw Jason earlier I thought about going to say hello -- now suddenly I'm watching the whole train wreck happen in front of my eyes. Poor Jason, now I wish I'd said something about Shelia. He's too nice a guy to get mixed up with someone like that -- should have told him about her. Feeling guilty now ... I should go talk to him ... but he probably doesn't want to see anyone right now ... he doesn't even know me that well. But, we're like two of a kind in here -- two alone in a crowd of dozens and dozens of seemingly happy people. Dozens all laughing and dancing and getting drunker by the minute. Whoa now, replacing his Coors with a shot of liquor -- I grab my cane and walk over to say hello. The crowd and noise is getting on my nerves anyway -- I'll just say hi and get out'a here.

"Hey there, it's nice to see at least one person I know. But you look a little sad Jason."

"Hi Michelle. Yeh, the night isn't going the way I planned. How's your night going?"

"Pretty much like usual, just thought I'd get out rather than sit in the dorms all night. I saw what happened with Shelia, sorry. Didn't look like it went well -- wanna talk about it?"

"Not much to say really. We had a plan to meet here tonight and I had a big surprise for her -- guess she had a bigger surprise for me. She was here waiting for someone else -- gave me my card back without even looking at it."

"I feel like I should have said something sooner -- she's been messing around with him ... Brad something -- can't remember if she even mentioned a last name. She's been seeing him for awhile now. I don't know why she didn't tell you sooner -- but I'm not all that surprised either. She's got the goods and she knows it -- and she knows how to get what she wants. I'm obviously not one of her friends -- too poor, too brown and I imagine too crippled for her. I'd like to say more, but better not."

"I had no idea there was another guy ... she sure hid it from me."

"Guys don't always see the underbelly of the beast 'till it's too late."

"Well, I made a fool out'a myself -- have a return to sender gift in my hand to prove it. Tell ya what ..."

He takes a pen from inside his coat and scratches out the name on the card. I can tell he's both hurt and angry and it seems the angry part is beginning to be the greater of the two -- if the number of ink marks over her name means anything.

"Michele, I don't ...." She cuts me off before I can get a word out?

"I know you're mad. Now's not the time to do or say anything. And you know, you should call me Micky -- that's what my close friends call me."

"Am I a close friend now?"

"Sure, you can be if you wanna."

"Thanks -- and I do want to. And since I'm now a close friend, I want you to have this."

The envelope is now marred with angry ink slashes and I can't really blame him. I want to be his friend in this but it -- fuck-it. "Okay, but just friends right?"

"Of course, just friends Micky. I just want to forget her and if you don't like what's inside you don't have to keep it."

I can't imagine what that bitch couldn't see in him -- kinda glad he got free before really getting hurt. Glancing down, the card is now addressed to 'My Friend Micky' -- I look up at him and return his smile, then open his card. It is a pretty card with two cupids sitting on two entwined hearts, 'Sometimes Love Hurts Until It's Found' is the declaration below in flourishing script. I look up to him and smile again, hoping to ease his pain. "Thank you Jason."

"You know, I'll call you Micky if you'll call me Jase -- but you didn't open it."

When I open the card there is a reservation confirmation from Purgatory Ski Resort. I don't want to hurt him again ... "Jason, I don't see how I could use this. I can't ski -- I can't share a bed with you, if that's what you're thinking."

"Stupid me! I didn't mean it that way Micky. I didn't mean to imply ... I just thought about the fun we could have ... you know, just as friends? And we don't have to ski. There's sleigh rides, sledding, hot-tubs, snowmobile trails, there'll be live music and nice dinning. The rooms have two beds and we can each have our own. Anyway, if you can't go with me I still want you to have it. It's all paid for so it'll just go to waist if you and a friend don't use it. It'd just be too big of a bummer for me to go up alone -- even if it were just to ski, I'm not up for it now. But really, I'll even promise to sleep in my clothes if that makes it work -- there really are two separate beds, that's the way the rooms are. We could also drive up to Silverton and look around. There's lots to do besides skiing. It's just two friends -- forget all the stupid Valentine's stuff."

I know him well enough to believe him -- I trust him. Mama's familiar calm small voice whispers words spoken so long ago: 'Micky, honey the doctor said that you shouldn't use your illness as an excuse to be a recluse. You're one of the lucky ones and you can have a full and happy life...'.

"Okay Jase, I trust you and it would be good to get away for awhile."

I'm sorta stunned -- she seemed so adamant, "Micky, you've saved my holiday and I swear on my mother's bible that I have no intensions of breaking our friendship. All you'll have to do is pack some warm outdoor gear, your swimsuit and Sorel boots if you have them."

I know his words are meant to make me feel better -- they only remind me that I'm the crippled girl -- the girl who never gets asked on a date -- not until the first option rejects him. I feel my eyes betray me -- then the feeling of tears running down my cheeks. His words pull me back ....

"Michele, what's wrong -- did I say something?"

"It's nothing -- just thinking about my mother -- just thinking -- you know?"

'Yeh, I understand. What you say we get outa here, it's too loud and I'm not feeling it here."

We both get off the bar stools -- I use my cane to get stabilized on both feet -- Jase offers an arm and I take it. Once we get moving I do better and soon we're outside on a cold Colorado winter night. His words once again push my thoughts away.

"Have you eaten anything? Did you drive your car down here tonight?"

"No, Leslie dropped me off, why?"

"Just wondering if you wanted to drive your car back to the dorms up at the Fort before we go get something to eat. But since it's not here, I'll drive you back up to the college later. Now, let's go grab something to eat. I know a good little cafe that's a lot quieter than back there. I'll drop you off at your place after."

As we eat our late night breakfast, we share more about ourselves, what she's studying, what I'm studying and what we think of Fort Lewis College. Our friendship has pretty much just been as classmates, she's always been the nicest person in any of the study groups. Already I'm feeling happy about finding out about the real Shelia before I had really dug my grave. And already I'm becoming very interested in a girl named Micky.

*****

Scene Two: Our Journey Begins -- Into The Mountains, Taking A Chance On Each Other

It's a perfect winter day. The clouds have blown away, taking the falling snow with them -- leaving a beautiful clean topping on everything. Looks just like fluffy cake icing on a very large panorama of mountains and forests. As I drive my old Jeep north through the Hermosa Valley, Micky rummages through my cassette tape collection. Turns out we both jumped on the Hippie train back in high-school -- and I'd just upgraded my player to the latest and greatest -- to include better speakers too. I steal glances at her, relieved that she seems to be glad that she came along.

"Let's play this one," she says as she pops the cassette in.

John Denver's voice joins us as we drive along. "Good choice, perfect day for his songs." We drive along just listening to the music and to me it's like we're driving through a winter wonderland -- it's all just too beautiful to even describe. Even being born and raised here doesn't take away from it -- the land is ever changing from the green grass of spring and summer in the mountain valleys and basins in the lower hills -- the ragged grey cliffs of bald rock on the west side of the road beckon to the adventurous to take a gamble, take the risk to conquer me if you dare. Then the Fall gives us all the grand finale with the golden leaves of the Aspen waving in the breeze -- as if bidding farewell to another summer. But above all, looking down from towering heights, the kings, the queens, the princes and princesses of the Rockies stand as they've stood for millions of years.

"You know, we really should drive up to Silverton while we're here. I love seeing Engineer Peak in the winter -- it'll extend our road trip and we can look at the art and stuff."

"I've never been that far, so sounds like fun to me."

"You've lived here your whole life and haven't been up here exploring?"

"My family doesn't live here. I'm from Farmington down in New Mexico -- my family has lived there since before my parents were children."

"Well, I didn't know that but it's even more reason to make a trip north part of our outing. What do your folks do in Farmington?"

"The family has owned the hardware store there since before I was born. They just always wanted me to go to college, and that's why I'm here. It was my mother who persuaded my father that I should get more education. She's no longer living though. I think my brothers will take over the store when Papa can't do it."

"Wow, I'm sorry to bring up sad memories. She sounds like a smart woman to convince your father that an education is what will set you up to take care of yourself. I wish I could have met her, and thank them for sending you up here, hope I can meet your family some day. I've been through Farmington, but never spent much time there. What do the people there think about you being into the hippie stuff?"

"I don't flaunt it much when I'm there -- there aren't many hippies there and some of the people are outright opposed to the whole idea of the ones demanding peace and an end to the war. It's better here, especially at school. I guess I'm an undercover hippie when I'm down there."

"Wow, I've sort of known you for awhile but it turns out I didn't really know you much at all."

I'm not sure if he likes what he now knows or not -- most white guys don't mingle, at least they don't mingle with me. "Really neither of us knows much about the other. But I like you for a friend." -- perhaps I should have said a good friend?

"Micky, the more we talk and the more I get to know you better -- well, I'm super happy you like me because I really like your vibe and stuff. I hope our friendship hangs around a long time."

"I should have said that I like you as a good friend too. I don't have many friends here yet. You maybe think I'm pretty wild coming up here and sharing your room -- but I'm not so wild, not like the real hippies."

"I told you before, I'm not like that. You're as safe with me as you would be with your mother -- promise. And after we go back to Durango you can tell people you had a wild time up at Purgatory if you want."

"I could never do that ... even if I did who'd believe me. How wild can a crippled girl be anyway? I don't think I would do that. It would just become the latest gossip."

I hope I didn't put my foot in my mouth again ... "I was just teasing, trying to get you to smile I guess."

"Oh, I didn't know you were teasing -- and now I look kinda stupid."

"No, it was a stupid joke, I'm the dummy. Let's forget all that cause we're almost there."

*****

Scene Three: Our Weekend In Purgatory -- Will It Be Heaven or Hell

After finding our room and letting her in, I glance around to make sure the room is perfect. Seems it's as advertised; on the west side with a view up the slopes as an unexpected bonus. The two beds are there just like I promised her. Now if we can both just relax and try to have fun. For me, the sexual tension is already trying to push to the forefront of my thoughts -- I don't know how to turn the thoughts off ... even less of an idea of how to maybe turn hers on. I do know how to not pursue them though. As awkward as some of our time has been, I think it's more of a cultural difference. Different places and different ethnicities -- bound to make it harder to say the right things and avoid the wrong things. Been a pretty intense Valentine's so far -- first Shelia and now Michelle seems a little unsure. I don't even know how to approach her -- how to make her really know I can be her friend. Different upbringing, different lives ... but I'm enchanted by her ... it really does feel different than ever before. All I can do is be me -- she has to like me as much as I like her if it's to be more than friends. That's what I'll do ... just be me.

***

While Jason is gone to bring our stuff up, I tour our room. It really is a nice place -- nicest hotel room I've ever seen. Maybe that's why it's called a resort? In the bathroom, my reflection in the large mirror over the vanity captures me. I look at myself trying to see what he sees -- perhaps I'm not ugly but I'm no beauty queen. As I stand looking into the eyes of the reflection staring back at me, the old ghost whispers again; 'You're not enough -- too many flaws to get any hopes set too high. He's a rich white guy -- you're a Hispanic girl from a hispanic family -- you're being foolish -- you have nothing to offer him. That ghost has been around too long. Deep down I know I am that ghost. How do I break free of myself -- how do I kill the ghost that is me? The tears try again, but I squeeze them away -- as I push away the ghost who haunts me. I make myself think of better things, hopeful things ... I'm totally taken by him, by his gentle kindness and his friendship -- I have other feelings too -- most of my friends have already done it. If Mamá and Papá knew ... it would be very bad for us all. But why would they know if we were safe and quiet -- only Jason and I would know. Deep down I know it is only me who can answer my questions -- only me who can decide what to do with my body ... but I wish it could just be so easy -- normal like a flower opening without thought or care. When I hear him return, I quickly wipe my face and go to help him.

"Got it all in one trip -- you're like me; pack light. You get a chance to look around?"

"Yes, it's very nice. I don't think my family ever stayed in such a nice room. But my family never traveled far from home -- mostly just to see relatives and stuff."

"I kind of envy you. We never traveled much either and I guess there weren't any relatives to go see -- at least we never went to see any. Which bed do you want, I'll put your bag there?"

"It doesn't matter, this one is fine."

"Ah, tricky -- you got the one next to the bathroom."

"Oh, it's okay -- I can take that one."

"No, I was just teasing. I think my sense of humor isn't that great."

"Oh, I see. Sometimes jokes go over my head. Can you explain why I should have laughed?"

"Well, it's not really that funny -- I just sort of implied that you could make it into the bathroom faster from there."

"Hmm, I still don't get it."

"Ah, like you woke up and really had to go and because you'd be closer from there than from over here you could make it to the toilet in time."

"Oh, okay now I get it. But it may be good to be closer because I don't sleep well with my brace on. So I do sometimes wake up and it's sometimes hard to get the brace on in time. It will be better over here." It's best I don't tell him that I have had some accidents, it's good to be closer.

"There, so it is the best bed for you. Speaking of your brace, can you wear it in the hot tub? Seems it might not be good for it."

"I've not really been in a hot tub, but I take it off to take a shower. I guess that means no hot tub for me -- I didn't even think about that before you brought it up."

"It's your call, but if you take the brace off, I'm pretty sure I can carry you and get you seated in a hot tub. I think you'll enjoy it if you want to try."

The one thing I hate, even more than the stupid brace, is to be a spectacle for people who try not to stare at me. But we came here to do more than sit in this room -- I owe him that much. Maybe I owe myself that much too? "Okay, I've always wanted to do the hot tub thing -- everyone seems to like it."

"It's a deal then. It's getting kinda late for it tonight though, but tomorrow we'll have all day to do what we want. Maybe day after tomorrow we can drive up to Silverton. But we can just wait and see and play it by ear too. I think there's more to do here than we'll have time for. But we can sure try to do it all."

His wink makes me smile. I think he's almost as shy as I am -- being a guy must be hard ... wonder why they are the ones expected to initiate everything? Maybe it's not like that for everyone though ....

*****

Scene Four: Getting To Know You

After a nice steak dinner, Micky and I follow the sound of music to the lounge. We already shared a small bottle of wine with our dinner, so we sip our sodas and enjoy the couple singing and playing their acoustic instruments -- he on the guitar and she playing a violin ... sometimes in a classic style and for some songs more of an Irish style. All in all it's very soothing and sorta romantic, with a more lively song thrown in every once in awhile. When the couple close out their show, we agree it's time to make our way back to our room.