February Sucks -- Big Time

"Well, it's more like what can I do for you," she said. "You can start by simply calling me Lisa."

"Alright, Lisa," I said. "And please call me Jim."

"Thank you, Jim," she said. "Audrey told me about you last night and I wanted to reach out to you after you read her article. I'm assuming you've read it."

"I have," I said. "And I thought she did a very good job."

"I thought so, too," she said. "Listen, Jim, I'd like to represent you if that's okay. Is it true you're considering legal action against LaValliere and the team in addition to a divorce from your wife?"

"Yes, it is," I said.

"Well, you're in luck," she said. "Because adultery is not only acceptable grounds for divorce in this state, it's also against the law, even though it's not enforced. And lawsuits for alienation of affection are permissible in this state as well. I think you have a very strong case. I understand you have children?"

"Yes," I said. "Two, a boy and a girl."

"Will you be seeking custody?" she asked.

"Absolutely," I said.

"That might be a bit tricky, but we can certainly ask for it," she said. "Listen, I'd like to go ahead and start putting things together today. I'd like you to bring in everything you can regarding your finances and whatever evidence you have of their affair. Can you meet me at my office tomorrow morning, say, at 8:00 am?"

"Yeah," I said. "I can do that. What about a fee? Don't you need a retainer or something?"

"Ordinarily, yes," she said. "But I'm willing to do this pro bono -- free -- for you, anyway."

"Thanks, but why would you do that?" I asked.

"I'll tell you someday, just not now, over the phone," she said.

"Okay," I said.

"One last thing, Jim," she said.

"What's that?" I asked.

"After this morning's article, you're probably going to hear from the Sharks' legal team," she said. "Don't give in to them. At all. Just tell them they can expect to hear from your attorney. Can you do that?"

"Of course," I said.

"Good," she said. "And don't do anything stupid." I chuckled at that.

"I won't, I promise," I told her. We said our goodbyes and ended the call. Looking at the time, I decided to go see the kids. I went back upstairs and threw on a clean pair of jeans and a shirt. Someone was knocking at the door when I got back. I looked through the peephole and saw two well-dressed men in dark suits. Probably from the Sharks, I thought, recalling Lisa's warning. I opened the door.

"Yes, what can I do for you?" I asked calmly.

"Mr. Carlilse," one of the men said. "My name is Roger Billings, and this is Jack Dunston. We're from the Sharks. May we come inside and talk for a few minutes?" Suddenly, I recognized Dunston from photos I had seen in the paper and on television. He was the owner of the Sharks. I figured Roger was probably an attorney. I opened the door and invited them inside.

"Please, come in," I said. "Can I offer you something to drink?"

"No, but thanks, anyway," Jack said. "We won't be taking up much of your time. We're just here to discuss your, uh, issue with Marc LaValliere."

"Issue?" I asked. "You mean, him destroying my marriage and my family and threatening to fuck my wife in my bed in front of me? Is THAT the issue you're talking about?"

"Well, uh, yeah," Jack said, clearly embarrassed by what I had said. He turned to Roger. "Show him the offer, and let's get this done, please." Roger opened his briefcase and pulled out an envelope and a folder. He handed me the envelope and indicated that I should open it. I did and when I looked inside, I was shocked. I could feel my face turn red as I looked at the two men.

"Is everything alright, Mr. Carlisle?" Jack asked.

"You gotta be shitting me," I said.

"Is there a problem, Mr. Carlisle?" Roger asked. "Everything seems to be in order."

"A thousand dollars?" I asked. "You're offering me a thousand dollars for what that asshole did to me and my family? That's not an offer, that's a fucking insult."

"Wait, Mr. Carlisle," Jack said. "That doesn't include season tickets for life along with all the swag you want from our gift store. That's worth a considerable amount of money." I nearly laughed out loud.

"And this is in return for what?" I asked. Roger opened the folder and showed me the unsigned document.

"As this stipulates, all we ask is that you not file a lawsuit against the team or Mr. LaValliere," he said. I looked at the document and couldn't believe what I read.

"And you'll do nothing to LaValliere?" I asked. "What about the morals clause in his contract?" Roger shrugged his shoulders.

"Look, Mr. Carlisle," Jack said. "Boys will be boys. Mr. LaValliere is a highly respected member of the team with very high standing in the community. All we ask is that you reconsider taking any legal action. We don't want to see anyone's reputation get ruined. Surely you can understand that?"

"What I understand is that LaValliere destroyed my marriage," I said. "And he's already ruined my reputation. Those articles and pictures of him with my wife have already gone viral. And what about my two children? How do you propose making up the loss of their mother and their family? You think season tickets and flashy swag will make up for that?"

"What would you have us do?" Jack asked condescendingly.

"Oh, I don't know, maybe you can unfuck my wife or turn the clock back to Thursday and stop the Asshole from meeting her in the first place," I said sarcastically. "Better yet, why don't you cut his fucking balls off and kick them up and down the football field a few times. On live television. Hell, I'd even pay to see that." The two men looked at me, shocked.

"Uh, we can't do any of those things, Mr. Carlisle," Roger said. "Perhaps you'd like to make a counter-offer?"

"Perhaps you can go fuck yourself in the ass with an electric cattle prod," I said, standing up. "You'll be hearing from my attorney. This meeting is over. Please leave." They looked at each other, then stood. Jack reached out to shake my hand, but I didn't accept it. They nodded their heads and walked out the door.

After they left, I called Lisa to let her know what happened, then called my parents and went to their house to spend some time with the children. Emma was still shook up about seeing Linda kissing another man. I spoke with my parents for a bit and decided to take the kids out to Chuck E Cheese for a bit, before picking up more of their stuff.

We had a good time, and for a couple hours, they were children again, laughing and playing. Unfortunately, all good things have to eventually end, and this was no different. They groused for a bit, but joined me as we went to the car.

We went to their rooms and gathered up some things for them to take to their grandparents house, then went back downstairs. The next thing I knew, the front door burst open. I saw the door jamb had been broken and the next thing I knew, the Asshole in all his fury stood there, glaring at me.

"You fucking bastard," he screamed. "I'll fucking kill you for what you did. All I wanted was a piece of ass, but you had to make a big goddamn federal case out of it." I tried to speak, but was unable to as his fist found my face and sent me reeling. After the stars left my vision, I realized I needed to find something to defend myself, since I knew my fists alone wouldn't cut it. I heard Emma scream and turned to see Asshole backhanding her so hard that she flew into the brick fireplace, hitting her head. I was filled with rage and remembered the iron skillet on the stove.

I grabbed it and holding the handle like a baseball bat, I flew into the living room, the skillet over my head. I swung as hard as I could and the iron skillet made contact with his head, opening a gash just above his left ear. He went down to the floor and I dropped the skillet, but my rage hadn't subsided.

I began kicking him in the groin as hard as I could, over and over again. I stepped back and took a running shot at his head, kicking it as hard as I could. His body, now limp, flew a few feet and landed by the couch. I picked up the skillet and knelt down by his head. I raised the skillet high over my head and was ready to bring it back down on him, hopefully ridding the world of Marc Fucking LaValliere. That's when I heard a voice behind me.

"Drop the skillet, sir," the man said. I let go of the cast iron skillet and turned after I heard it hit the floor. "Stay right where you are, hands behind your head." I obeyed the policeman's order and put my hands behind my head. He put my hands behind my back and slipped a set of handcuffs on me. Convinced that I was no longer a threat, he stood me up.

"Officer, he broke into my house and struck my daughter," I said. I looked at Emma and saw her sitting in front of the fireplace, crying her eyes out. There was a red mark where Asshole had hit her.

"I know," he said. "Your neighbor across the street saw him kick the door in and called 911. He says he also saw him strike your daughter. I got here as fast as I could. Are you alright?" Damn, was I really that fast, I asked myself.

"My face hurts like hell," I said. He looked at me and nodded his head.

"Yeah, you're gonna have a shiner, that's for sure," he said. He went to Emma and checked her out. Fortunately, there was nothing physically wrong, but she was shook up and scared. He made a call on his radio then came back to me.

"Officer, can I please call my parents so they can come get the kids?" I asked. He looked around for a moment before answering.

"Do you have a gun?" he asked. I shook my head.

"No, officer, that's why I grabbed the skillet," I said.

"Okay," he said, letting me out of the cuffs. "I'm going to have to take your statement, though."

"Thanks," I said. "Am I going to be arrested?"

"I don't think so," he said. "It looks to me like he broke into your place, assaulted you and assaulted your daughter. You were just defending your children. Unless I'm told otherwise, no, I won't be arresting you. I am going to arrest him, though."

I grabbed my phone, which had fallen out of my pocket when Asshole hit me. I called my parents and my father said he would be right over. By then, an ambulance pulled up in front of our house and paramedics were coming inside. They checked Emma out to make sure she was okay, then examined me before turning their attention to Asshole, who was now unconscious on the floor. As they were taking him out on a gurney, my father had made it to the house.

"What the hell happened?" he asked when he walked in.

"We had an unwanted visitor," I said. He looked at my face for a second.

"Damn, boy, that's gonna be a mess for quite a while," he said. He looked at Emma, who was crying on the couch. He took her in his arms and held her. "It's alright, sweetie, the bad man is gone." He looked around for a minute. "Where's Timmy?" Timmy had hidden himself under the table and was mostly obscured by the floor-length table cloth. We saw him peek out from underneath the table.

"It's okay, son," I said. "You can come out now." He climbed out from under the table and came over to us. My father looked at the policeman.

"Can we leave now?" he asked. The policeman nodded his head.

"Yeah, it's okay," he said. "I'll need to talk to your son for a bit but you don't need to be here."

"Thanks," he said. He gathered the kids and their things, then came back over to me. "Come on over when they're finished, alright?"

"I will, Dad, thanks," I said. I gave the kids a hug and a kiss goodbye, telling them I would be along directly. After they left, the policeman and I sat down on the couch as he took my statement. I couldn't believe all this happened so fast.

"Good thing your neighbor across the street called when he did," the policeman said. "I was only a couple blocks away when I got the call. I've been following that story about LaValliere. Was that your wife he was seen with?" I nodded my head.

"Yes," I said.

"I'm sorry to hear that," he said. "Feel free to call if you need someone to talk to," he added, handing me a card with the name and number of a counselor.

"Thanks, officer, I appreciate that," I said. He left after shaking my hand and I stood there in the front room, looking at the remains of my front door. Fred, the neighbor who called the police, walked up and surveyed the door as well.

"You okay, Jim?" he asked.

"I am now," I said. "I appreciate you calling the cops."

"No problem. I saw him kick that door in and I just happened to be out front with the lawn mower. What'd you do to that guy?"

"Cleaned his clock with a skillet, if you can believe that," I said. He laughed.

"Remind me to never piss you off," he said. "Just curious, why did he kick your door in? It wasn't locked or anything, was it?"

"No, it wasn't," I said. "And the security screen wasn't even locked. All he had to do was turn the doorknob. Guess he was just too pissed to try."

"Well, I think we can still close the door, but the jamb is all messed up," he said. "Probably have to screw it shut until you can replace it. I'll go get my drill and some screws and give ya a hand with it if you want."

"That would be great, Fred," I said. "Thanks. I'll go grab my drill as well." With Fred's help, we got the door to close, but I had to screw it shut because of the damage Asshole did when he kicked it in. Fortunately, the deadbolt wasn't latched at the time, so I was still able to use that.

"That'll do it," he said. "Let me know when you get a replacement and I'll give ya a hand putting it in."

"Thanks again," I said. One more thing my wife's cheating managed to fuck up, I thought to myself. I made two quick calls, one to Lisa and the other to Audrey.

Lisa wasn't exactly pleased that I mopped the floor with Asshole using a skillet, but she was glad it all worked out okay and even more glad that I wasn't in jail and the kids were relatively okay. She did get a kick out of the fact that LaValliere was in the hospital and would be arrested.

Audrey told me she heard the call on her police scanner and had already spoken with the reporter who covered police calls.

"You know I can't keep you anonymous anymore," she said. "It'll all be there in the police report."

"I know," I told her. We talked for a while longer and she told me to keep an eye on the news.

"Everyone's gonna be all over this now," she said. After we ended the call, I went upstairs and showered yet again. My eye was already black and blue when I looked in the mirror. I decided I needed to make one more call and hit the speed dial for my boss. I explained the situation and told her I needed to take a few days to get everything ironed out.

"Damn," she said. "You've had one helluva weekend. No problem, you've got plenty of comp time coming, so take the week off and get it squared away, okay?"

"I will, thanks, boss," I said. We ended the call and I headed out to see my parents and the kids.

Linda puled up to their house the same time I did. I wasn't expecting her to be there and I didn't know what to expect. I got out of the car the same she did and we met on the walkway going to the front door. She was shocked when she saw me.

"Oh my God, are you alright?" she asked. I shook my head. "What happened?"

"Kinda late to be concerned about my well-being, don't you think?" I asked sarcastically. "You wanna know what happened? Your lover happened. He came over to the house to start a fight. Ended up hitting Emma."

"Emma?" she asked, surprised. "Is she okay? He didn't hurt her, did he?"

"Yes, he did," I said. "Don't worry, I cleaned his clock with your big skillet."

"Did you hurt him?" she asked. "Please don't tell me you hurt him." I couldn't believe what she was saying.

"He's been taken to the hospital," I said. "I don't know what shape he's in and I frankly don't care. I do know he'll be in police custody for a while. They're pressing charges against him. Why are you here, by the way?"

"I came over to see the kids," she said. "I miss them and I haven't seen them since, well, you know..."

"You mean since the night you left us to be with Asshole?" I asked her. "About time. It's only been, what, 36 hours? And you're just now thinking about them?"

"Please don't call him that," she said.

"The man destroyed our marriage, Linda, and you helped him without giving me or the kids a second thought," I said, my anger rising. "He destroyed our family. He told me he was going to keep on fucking you, even in our house and our bed. He broke into our house earlier today and hit Emma. I'd say that makes him an Asshole of the Highest Order. And you're defending him." I walked into the house and she followed me inside.

Everyone looked in our direction when we walked inside. The kids clung to their grandmother, who was now in "Mama Grizzly" mode.

"What do you want?" she spit at Linda.

"I want to see my children," Linda said. Timmy seemed scared as he clung to my mother even tighter. Emma looked at her mother, not hiding her disgust.

"Why did you kiss that man, mommy?" she asked.

"What man?" Linda asked.

"That man," Emma said, pointing at the television. "The one who hit me." We looked and saw LaValliere's face on the screen.

"This just in to Eyewitness News," a news anchor read. "Sharks tight end Marc LaValliere is reportedly facing multiple charges tonight after he allegedly kicked in a door of the home of a woman he was spotted with Friday night. According to police reports, he is said to have assaulted the woman's husband and one of her young children. The report says the husband defended the home and his children with a large cast iron skillet.

"LaValliere is currently at County General Hospital where he is being treated for a serious head wound and other injuries," the anchor said. "The District Attorney said that charges will be filed and LaValliere will be taken into custody when his medical condition improves. The Sharks team management just issued a statement saying LaValliere is suspended pending the outcome of the investigation." The scene changed to show Roger and Jack standing behind a microphone.

"We regret to say that tight end Marc LaValliere is currently in the hospital receiving treatment for a head wound and other injuries," Jack said. "We read the police report and would like to express our apologies to the family he allegedly assaulted. For the record, we reached out to the husband and made what we feel is a more than reasonable offer, however, he rejected it."

"How do you respond to the charges being considered?" One reporter asked. "From what we can see, those charges include making a terroristic threat, breaking and entering, assault and battery and striking a child."

"We have no comment at this time," Roger said. "However, we have placed Mr. LaValliere on paid suspension pending the outcome of the investigation. At this time, he is still unconscious, so we have not heard his side of the story. That is all for now. Thank you." The scene shifted to the studio.

"This is a breaking story," the anchor said. "Stay tuned to Eyewitness News for updates as they come in." Everyone turned to Linda when the report ended.

"My God," she said quietly. "Unconscious? What other injuries are they talking about, Jim? What did you do to him?"

"That's right," I said. "Show concern for your lover and not your little girl, who he knocked across the room. If you must know, I kicked him in the balls. Several times." Linda started to approach Emma, but the little girl shied away. My mother spoke up.

"Haven't you done enough to these children?" she asked. "To this family?"

"I think it would be wise if you left now, Linda," my father said. "While you still can."

"And Linda," my mother said. "You're not welcome in this house ever again." Tears in her eyes, Linda looked at the kids, my mother, then my father and finally me. There was no sympathy in that room for her at all. She turned, dejected, and headed for the door.