February Sucks - The Two Notes

But I want him back. It was a terrible mistake."

"This note is from nearly eight months ago. Has he varied from anything in the note? Does it appear he will vary?"

"No. As a matter of fact, when I've tried to get us back to normal, he gets as close as I've seen him to emotion. But he never gets angry, he tells me to read the note. He has told me to read that note a hundred times, or more."

"Do you think there is a way? Or is it just a hope?"

"There has to be a way. You cannot destroy a marriage in one night."

"I think the night of sex was a factor, but not the factor. What would you say to that?"

"You're right. We went out the other night, and a couple who had been with us that night showed up. I had no idea they'd be there. Jim said nothing to them. He said in the note, he'd never be around them, any of them, again. He excused himself to go to the bathroom and never returned."

"How did that make you feel?"

"That is what I was getting to, I was just humiliated. My man, my date, my companion just deserted me, without warning, without a word. He did not go off with some glamor girl, he just left, as he'd promised me, in the note, he would. Still, I was humiliated."

"And?"

"I am not facing what he wants me to see."

"We should talk about this for a while, I think. Why did you think he'd see it differently?"

"A bunch of us had a conversation one time. We all laughingly said all of us would cheat, one night with the right movie star or the right whatever."

"Your husband, too?"

"No, he wasn't there for most of it. It was mostly women. I don't think I ever talked to him about it. It was also just talk. I think we were all serious, but it was different, an abstract evening away from your spouse. My evening was not that. I snuck out while we were together with friends. He was expecting a wonderful evening and instead got humiliated. God, how could I be so stupid?"

Dr. Schott was patient with me. "There is plenty of time for that, but first think about what you did, why you did it. Tell me about that."

"Jim and I have always been partners, equals, friends, and that is a wonderful, important part of my life. This was nothing to do with my life. It was some fantasy. It was almost an abstract concept. I didn't think about it, he wanted me. He took me. It was great for that reason."

The sessions went on. I came in one day and Dr. Schott said she had something to tell me. She began, "I called your husband."

"You did?" I was so happy, "You said you might, but I didn't think you ever really would. What did he say?"

"I called him at work; found out he sells insurance. I identified myself and asked if he had a moment. He didn't respond, so I took that as a yes. I explained your desire to get him back, to do anything you could to make it up. I took quite a while. I stopped and asked him if he would consider coming to counseling with you."

Dr Schott swallowed a chuckle and said, "His response was interesting. He said it sounded complicated, like it would take some time. He then asked if I had many cases that were also involved? I told him yes. He then said, he'd tell me what he thought. He thought I needed a whole life policy, maybe a million or a million and a half. He started telling me the tax advantages of the policy he most liked to offer."

"That sounds like Jim. Did he ever respond about counseling?"

"Well, I finally had to cut him off and tell him I was not talking about buying life insurance. I was not interested, now or ever. He responded that he had a much higher percent chance getting me to buy a policy than I had of getting him to counseling. We said a friendly goodbye."

Dr. Schott and I met several more times. I talked about my feelings. She asked how important love was to me and to Jim. I told her it was especially important to me and even more so to Jim. Her next question sent chills down my spine. What will happen to you and to Jim if you live without love? That question was what made me decide.

I worked hard getting the wording I wanted. For the next session, I came with my own note, to seek her opinion. I handed it to her and let her read it.

My Dearest Jim,

I cannot imagine how I thought we might get over my desertion of you and become what we were. I promise it was a fantasy gone wrong and I thought of only myself. In the fantasy, you would see this was something any wife would do, and in time maybe even come to appreciate me more, because the "hunk" chose me.

It was not until some months later when we went out and you left me, I had any understanding of how it feels to be left by your spouse, without excuse and without recourse. I was humiliated beyond any other time in my life. My humiliation was a fraction of what you suffered. I realized only after that, it was not what I left to do that crushed you, it was that I left.

It is time we end the tragedy I began. My first wish is that somehow you find in your heart a way to forgive me, and we become all we were and all we can be. I am so hopeful and give you my absolute pledge I have learned from my own stupidity and will in every way, be faithful to you in our future.

I have worked on not making this an ultimatum. There is no way I can undo what I have done, without one. I fully understand you may never be able to find the way we can be a married couple, again. If not, then I am sorry I ended our marriage in such a devastating fashion. I hope you can find the way to maintain your friendliness toward me. That has helped and will continue to help my frame of mind. But if we cannot be as we were, I will file for divorce.

I make these assurances. I will live as close to you as I can, and we will find the ways to share our beautiful children as much as possible. We will find the way.

If I file for divorce, we will both move on. I assure you, until I am exclusive with another man, I will come running back to you, if it is your choice. You are my love and my heart, and I am sick I threw you away.

After filing for divorce, I will begin dating, I hope you do, as well. I decided you need to love and to be loved and I can't deny you that. We can continue to live as we are until future romances are in the way. I can move to the guest room, or move out, at that time, or at any time. I hope you will be kind toward me with our children. You have not let my stupidity hurt them so far, and I trust going forward you will continue to be just as concerned.

With all my love,

Linda

The counselor told me she was proud of my progress. We agreed I did not need her services any longer when I told her I was prepared to be happy with which ever choice was made. After I said it, I smiled and said, "Actually, my dreams would come true if he accepted coming back to me. There is no real chance of that, and I'll be pleased to move on when he confirms it." That is what convinced her. I had shown a typed draft of my note. The version I gave Jim was hand-written.

I handed it to him and told him it was important; he needn't read it this moment. The note was folded in half, he opened it and began reading. I don't know how far he got, but he wiped a tear from his cheek and refolded the letter. "Thank you, I can tell this is an honest, heart-felt response, I will give it its due."

He walked away. Stiff and formal I thought, "give it its due?" But a tear and a thank you were neither stiff nor formal. Maybe it had a chance. Now all there was, was to wait.

Several days passed. I was getting used to the fact it was most likely he was not hurt, or mad, but had lost his love that night I left. I was preparing myself for the inevitable. It was Saturday, the kids both had play dates with friends and Jim offered to take them.

He'd been gone longer than it should have taken, I was beginning to be concerned. I heard the garage door. He walked into the den, where I was sitting.

"Do you have some time to talk, Linda?" His tone was that pleasant, but not really friendly one I had gotten so used to. This was going to be it.

"Sure. It's early, but I think I'd like some wine."

"I'll get it for you." I continued sitting on the couch. He joined me a moment later with a glass of white wine. He had coffee.

"Your note meant a lot to me. It helped me see how much pain I'd hidden from myself. I just never could figure out how anyone who loved someone could walk out on them. It is such a betrayal that it couldn't be ignored. Your note told me you honestly got lost in a fantasy and meant no lasting harm. I understand that better. It is impossible to know, I might be able to forgive a fantasy lover, but I cannot ever get by leaving me.

"What you left to do is probably unforgivable, that you left is unforgivable. I want you to seek the divorce."

My weeks with the counsellor had prepared me for this. I was saddened, but not surprised. "Jim, I'm so sorry, and I understand. I have talked to our attorney, Jim Bridges, he will be happy to do the paper-work, if we tell him we both want his representation."

"Oh, that's great. We both think highly of him. I'm sure we can do this so that it ends fairly, and we save money and grief. I do worry about our kids."

"I have a thought." I had thought a lot, truth be told. "Last July 4th, at the neighborhood picnic—remember, I wanted you to go, and you said it was not happening because people from that night would be there. Well, anyway. I got the kids settled with a group of their friends and saw a man, sitting alone in his front yard. He looked so lonely sitting in a single lawn chair, I went and introduced myself. He stood as I approached. We talked for a couple of minutes and he excused himself to go to his garage and get a second chair. He returned and we sat and chatted."

"You never mentioned him."

"No, I only saw him the one time. At the time, my focus was on winning you back and I thought an afternoon's conversation with a single man was not the best topic."

"I see your point." He smiled warmly. The conversation between us was light, despite the topic. "So, who is this single man?"

"Do you remember the name Gary Patterson? Or maybe Sally Patterson?"

"Sally Patterson? Weren't she and her daughter shot by some addict?"

"Yes. They lived right across the street from our common-lot playground. He was devastated. They had been here only a short while. He had just gotten a big promotion and transfer. The shooting had been eighteen months earlier, back then and he was just coming to terms."

"How sad."

"It was and he was lost. I was lost. We had a bond and just talked. He was having trouble connecting with friends. He didn't fit with the single crowd or the married one, either. When he tried to go out, evenings tended to be disasters. People wanted to fix him up with a single friend, but he could not even think about it. We haven't talked since. But I am going to go knock on his door, one day soon."

"I hate to say it, but wouldn't that be sweet. The kids already walk there regularly. It would be a way we could both have them, or nearly have them. They'll get by you know."

I wiped a tear, this was sad for both of us and yet, we had to go through it. "I have seen it work really well, when the parents fought all the time, but were friendlier apart. We've been supportive of them, so this will be a little different. But, if we show love for them, and each other, the way we have. I think it will be fine."

"It is beyond anything I understand, Linda, I do love you, and I want us to move on. What I feel is not enough."

I started to tear up. I was going to lose it. I pushed at him. "Stop it. I understand. We must put that behind us and move on. Stewing on it will just make us both sadder. We don't need it."

"You're right. I'll do my best. I guess I should read my own note." He laughed, heartily.

"What about you? Have you any prospects?" What a surreal conversation. A perfect marriage destroyed in one evening and now we were sitting, contentedly discussing our separate futures.

Epilogue

Things went better for Jim than for me. I guess I could have predicted that. I did contact Gary Patterson right away and we started building a relationship. It wasn't love, really, but we were both scarred.

Jim quickly told me he'd move into the guest bedroom, leaving me the larger closet and private bath. He didn't feel right dating others and coming home to sleep with me. Though he never mentioned it, he must have had a large supply of potential spouses. He always smiled after a night of great sex. He smiled, a lot.

I was happy, in a way, after filing for a divorce, Jim was definitely happier. He has such a high sense of duty he'd have given all those years to see our children didn't suffer. In the end, we both would have been bitter and incapable of love.

Dating didn't work well for me. It seems every man in the immediate world had heard of my fling and thought I was good for a wild evening, but not worth considering for anything else. Gary and I were friends, then lovers, and he was always nice toward me. About a year after the divorce was final Jim announced he was marrying a widow, with a young daughter.

Jim and I were in the process of deciding who would move out when Gary surprised me. He offered to let me move in with him. He told me he was growing to love me, and he was so sweet to both the children. I loved him too, in a way, I knew I was settling for a substitute for the man I threw away. I knew he wanted to love again but was afraid.

We decided to marry. We are happy. The children do well, getting to be with either parent, as often as they like. It is a good life. I try to limit the times I think all I had to do to get this good life was throw away a great one.