tagHumor & SatireField Test 3

Field Test 3



From: Mr. Kilhoffer, assistant director, Division of Research and Development
To: Ms. Johnson, v.p. for sales
Re: Results of Field Test No. 3 for ''The Acme Reducer'' personal human-shrinkage kit.

Ms. Johnson:

Let me first re-iterate how honored I am to be part of this endeavor. Since the initial discovery six years ago of the human-shrinkage process, I have anxiously awaited this phase of the testing, which is why I undertook to conduct it personally. Though I certainly recognize the immense medical and industrial importance of being able to temporarily reduce a full-sized adult to a height of four inches, I have, frankly, been disappointed at the company's initial reluctance to market this process to the general public. I am quite gratified that we are finally exploring the recreational possibilities of self-size-reduction. I truly believe that once The Acme Reducer hits the market, it will become the most successful recreation-and-leisure product since the hula hoop.

I'd also like to thank you for agreeing to proceed with Field Test No. 3 in spite of the mixed results of the two earlier field tests. From those earlier experiments, we have learned that there are, in fact, certain foods and beverages that we can safely recommend to people while they are in Reduction Mode -- though anything that involves carbonation remains a problem because of the size of the bubbles relative to a reduced person (picture a plum exploding in your mouth, and youget an idea of the issue we face). With Field Test No. 2, we confirmed that safe interaction between Reduction-Mode humans and their full-sized house pets won't be realistically possible in the foreseeable future. I was relieved to hear that Mr. Martin from the Products Testing Division is expected to make a full recovery.

Let me assure you that Field Test No. 3 – ''Sexual Issues While in Reduction Mode'' – was far more successful than the first two.

My wife agreed to assist me in this test, though she initially expressed confusion as to what could possibly be the sexual advantages of The Acme Reducer. Indeed, in the first phase of the test (after I completed the Reduction process on myself), Mrs. Kilhoffer assisted me in gathering initial data: We concluded that a male who has an erection of eight (8) inches in Normal Mode will have an erection of roughly one (1) centimeter while in Reduction Mode, with its thickest point being approximately the width of a standard toothpick. Though the Reduction-Mode erection appears to be fully functional – and could even be viewed by some as ''cute'' (Mrs. Kilhoffer's terminology) – there was serious concern as to whether it was of sufficient size for any meaningful penetration of a non-reduced partner. In fact, according to our measurements, my entire Reduction-Mode body, head to toe, was shorter than the length of Mrs. Kilhoffer's Normal-Mode vagina alone.

For the foreplay phase of the test, Mrs. Kilhoffer, fully clothed, laid on her back on our bed. I, unclothed, proceeded to climb up her face in an attempt to kiss her (using her ear for footing). From my Reduction-Mode point of view, each of Mrs. Kilhoffer's lips was almost as long as my arm-span and as thick as my thighs. My kisses on her top and bottom lips were ineffectual to both of us (she equated it with the feeling of an insect landing on her face, and at one point, she said, she was fighting the urge to swat me). So I attempted instead to massage her lips with my hands, arms and feet. This produced a sensation that Mrs. Kilhoffer described as ''way too weird,'' and she put a stop to it almost immediately.

More effective was our experiment with Mrs. Kilhoffer's tongue. Her tongue came up to about my sternum when fully extended out of her mouth. I wrapped my arms and legs around it as if climbing a short, wet tree trunk. Pressing my Reduction-Mode penis against its moist, warm, sponge-like surface produced a pleasant sensation for me, particularly when Mrs. Kilhoffer started laughing (which wiggled her tongue). She later reported that she could feel my diminutive erection against the surface of her tongue and that she found that to be sexually interesting. (NOTE: Around this time, Mrs. Kilhoffer playfully blew at me, which propelled me off her face and almost off the bed. Any future sales of The Acme Reducer aimed at sexual recreation should be marketed with express warnings against any blowing activity toward a person in Reduction Mode.)

Next, I attempted to undress Mrs. Kilhoffer, with limited success. She remained on her back while I worked my way down her blouse, starting at her collar-bone. Undoing the buttons of her blouse was, from my vantage-point, akin to trying to slip a large dinner plate through a thin slit in a table-cloth; it required use of both my arms, leverage under my legs and occasional use of my teeth to hold the fabric up. I could do it, but by the fourth button, I was exhausted. The zipper on her pants was still more difficult, causing what may be a serious problem with my back (please see attached medical voucher for work-related injury). Unlatching her bra and pulling her panties off her body both proved to be altogether physically impossible for me while in Reduction Mode, and she ultimately had to do it herself.

Once naked, Mrs. Kilhoffer again lay on her back, then picked me up and set me between her breasts (which she was pushing upward with her upper arms to create a very deep valley between them – or at least what appeared to me to be a very deep valley). This was a relatively comfortable and secure position for me – two mounds of soft flesh, roughly as tall as I was, rising on either side of me – but I wasn't initially sure how to proceed. The classic approach of sucking the breasts was out of the question, as each of Mrs. Kilhoffer's nipples was almost as large as my head (the surrounding areola, in fact, was, from my vantage point, wider in diameter than a large watermelon).

After some discussion, Mrs. Kilhoffer came up with the idea of introducing canola oil to the experiment. Mrs. Kilhoffer dabbed a little canola oil onto her left nipple, then instructed me to rub it in – a task that required use of both my arms, both legs and my chest. When some of the oil ran down the inner slope of her breast, I quickly figured out that I could slide down the breast, toward the center of her chest, and build up enough momentum (with the help of additional canola oil) to propel my body up the opposite breast and grab the nipple at the top and hold myself there. Mrs. Kilhoffer found this exercise especially amusing, and she encouraged me as I slid my body up and down the inside slope of each breast, pausing at the top each time to stroke the nipple with a bear-hug grip in both arms.

I then proceeded downward for the next phase of our test. I attempted to walk upright over Mrs. Kilhoffer's ribcage and stomach, but I found that the uneven terrain – combined with the canola oil that had gotten all over my feet – caused me to repeatedly stumble and fall. This was ultimately dangerous, as it tickled Mrs. Kilhoffer, causing her to laugh, which in turn almost sent me tumbling off her torso and into the abyss of our bedroom floor, some ten stories below us by my perspective.

I decided it would be safer to stay on my belly and scoot myself along. Mrs. Kilhoffer liked this approach as well, and she suggested my scooting might go better with a little more canola oil. Holding me aside with one hand, she used the other to pour a path of oil from the middle of her collar bone area down to her pubic area. She then set me atop her right breast, where I used her nipple to steady myself. At her command, I leapt off her breast and landed, in a sitting position, on the oil-soaked surface of her sternum, then slid very quickly down her tummy, taking care to skirt the basketball-sized hole of her navel, and plunged with great force toward her pubic area, ultimately landing in the soft mound of her pubic hair. The effect of this was so invigorating to both of us that she plucked me out of her pubic hair, set me back on her breast, watched me slide down again, then repeated this process a half-dozen times.

It was now time to proceed to the most challenging portion of our experiment: penetration. Following my final descent down the canola-oil bobsled course of Mrs. Kilhoffer's torso, I landed again in her pubic hair and instructed her to leave me there. She opened her legs widely, propped her head up on a pillow so she could view the area, and said: ''I've got to see this.''

I admit, I had virtually no idea how to proceed. Mrs. Kilhoffer's pubic area was, from my view, the size of a bed, with the billowy mound of hair coming past my knees as I stood. I could see, through the dense underbrush, the long crevice of her vagina, and my Reduction-Mode penis clearly wasn't going to be able to affect it. I bent down and held aside as much of the pubic hair as I could to get a better assessment of the situation (picture spreading apart a juniper bush in an attempt to view the ground beneath it). Mrs. Kilhoffer's vaginal lips extended before me like two logs lying side by side. I stuck my bare foot between them and pushed, and slipped in almost up to my knee. The effect for me was dramatic, like stepping into tub of warm cream, but Mrs. Kilhoffer said she had barely felt it.

I deduced that any respectable level of penetration would require a radical departure from our usual notion of sexual intercourse. Seized with an idea, I instructed Mrs. Kilhoffer to cover my entire body with canola oil. This she did by pouring some into a cup, picking me up off her pubic hair and dipping me into the oil as you might dip a cookie in milk. When I was covered from the neck down in oil, she set me back onto her pubic hair and I proceeded.

I lay down on my stomach in her pubic hair and, holding onto the hair with both hands to steady myself, I slowly slid downward, feet-first, between her vaginal lips. Her skin was hot against my legs, stomach and Reduction-Mode penis, and it occurred to me that the Reduced partner, at least, could easily enjoy this. The challenge would be to appeal to the Normal-Mode partner. I continued scooting myself downward, gradually working my oil-covered body into the crevice, which became increasing hot and moist as I descended into it: First my feet, then up to my thighs and, finally, my waist and torso. (Envision a man slowly working his way down into a bulky sleeping bag.) Once my Reduction Mode penis was inside her – along with the rest of my body from mid-chest down – my pleasure increased exponentially. Penis-wise, it felt remarkably like the ''normal'' experience of sex, except that instead of my penis alone being thrust into a warm, wet environment, it was my entire body.

I could tell, from Mrs. Kilhoffer's verbal reactions, that she, too, was finally being affected by the experience. If fact, her enthusiasm got the better of her at one point, and she reached down with one hand, gripped me around the shoulders, pulled me halfway out of her vagina, shoved me back in, feet first, all the way to my neck, and repeated this maneuver several times. I was able to tolerate a few of these thrusts by keeping my entire body rigid. But I finally had to insist that she stop this, as I was concerned it might fracture my legs or back.

After Mrs. Kilhoffer reluctantly let go of me, I wriggled in a little deeper, so that only my head and arms remained outside her vagina. I then reached forward, pushing apart the curtain of skin in front of me, to expose Mrs. Kilhoffer's clitoris. It was pink, wet, and about the size and shape of a small loaf of bread. Realizing I couldn't massage the clitoris while continuing to hold open the surrounding lips, I instructed Mrs. Kilhoffer to hold them open for me. She did so.

With my lower body entirely inside Mrs. Kilhoff's vagina and her moist, bread-loaf-sized clitoris now presented before me, I proceeded to the most successful phase of our experiment. I used both hands to knead and pull at the clitoris, which spawned in Mrs. Kilhoffer a series of enthusiastic expletives. I then worked my legs upward, inside her, until my feet found her g-spot, which I know from prior experience is situated about two inches in, roughly behind the clitoris, on the forward-facing inner wall of her vagina. Once I felt the rigid patch of skin that indicated the g-spot, I pushed against it with both feet, then began a ''walking'' motion, pushing with one foot and then the other, back and forth. Meanwhile, I continued tugging and kneading her clitoris with both hands. To an observer, I might have looked like a man desperately holding onto a rock to prevent himself from slipping entirely into a bed of quicksand.

Mrs. Kilhoffer's continuing commentary by this point was reaching unprecedented volume levels, indicating our experiment was nearing its conclusion. It was about this time that I achieved orgasm, an event that Mrs. Kilhoffer couldn't detect but which was quite obvious to me. For the record, a male orgasm achieved while one is almost entirely ensconced inside a vagina is unlike any other kind, and promotion of this fact could become a powerful marketing tool if and when The Acme Reducer hits the market.

I continued using my hands and feet to work Mrs. Kilhoffer's clitoris and g-spot, respectively, until I could deduce, from her increasingly urgent verbal signals, that she was approaching climax. We had a minor mishap when she finally achieved it. The flood of moisture that accompanied the event loosened my grip and sent me spilling out of her vagina, expelling me, essentially. I experienced what was, to me, a drop of about twenty feet, which might have caused injury had I not landed in a soft region of the bedspread. Upon landing, I looked up and realized that Mrs. Kilhoffer's orgasm was still in progress, which was causing her to buck and thrash her hips, further endangering my life. I only narrowly escaped being crushed by her buttocks before it was over.

The entire event was exhausting for me (Mrs. Kilhoffer set me back in her pubic hair afterward, and I slept there, quite comfortably, for a full eight hours), but I can definitely recommend the experience to our future customers.

I hope you'll give serious consideration to this report, and to the potential for marketing The Acme Reducer. I would also like to propose a fourth field test, one in which we would reverse the male-female roles to test the sexual possibilities between a Reduction-Mode woman and a Normal-Mode man. Clearly, vaginal penetration would be impossible (by my estimates, the male erection alone in such a scenario would be roughly twice the height of the entire female). There would also be some concerns about the dangers of the male ejaculation, as it could hit the Reduction-Mode female with the equivalent of a bathtub-sized load of hot liquid. However, Mrs. Kilhoffer has some ideas she believes might be workable in such a scenario, and she has suggested she and I could volunteer for this phase of the research.


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