Fireproof

"What did they do to her? You mean it wasn't just one "

"No. I suspected some of the team. Someone held her from behind, and they placed a bag on her head so she couldn't identify the participants. She told me she fought as hard as she could, but nine football players against one skinny girl; it was no contest, and she knew the outcome wasn't good. They forced her onto the grass and they ripped and tore her clothing from her body. They yanked her panties off, and then tossed them around like a trophy. Amanda doesn't know who actually raped her, that sack covered her eyes, but I know in my heart it was my co-captain, Hal. It was his style."

Mrs. Frederick set her pen down. "She's been carrying this around all these years. I'm beginning to understand now."

"I can't explain it," Ben continued, "but I liked Amanda, plain-Jane looks and all. She's smart as a whip, speaks several languages, and I fell in love with her. We dated after we graduated high school, and the strangest thing happened; we both fell in love. We got married early, we were twenty, and on our wedding night, she became pregnant. We had twins. We had an instant family; we named our daughter Sharon and our son Stephen." Ben puffed out his chest. "Stephen's a smokejumper fighting wildfires in California right now."

Ben smiled and Mrs. Frederick noticed how it filled his face. "Would you like to share that thought?"

"I was just thinking. We went to our five-year high school reunion. My dad pulled some strings, and I got on the fire department. Dad's a firefighter, too. I had a great job that I loved. The twins were three and cute as could be, but Amanda. Oh lord."

"She blossomed, didn't she?"

Ben cocked his head to one side. "That's putting it mildly. She had breasts most women would kill for. A little on the small side for most men, but they're round and soft. I think they're just perfect. Those skinny legs now had curves, and they went all the way to her lips. Her hair, ooh—" Ben closed his eyes and a smile brightened his face.

"Men, we're an odd lot," Ben mused, "There're guys that like legs, butts, and of course boobs. Amanda's hair has a natural curl, and it flows over her shoulders in waves. I could drown in her hair." Ben looked up at Mrs. Frederick. "I bet you think I'm screwy?"

"Not in the least."

"When Amanda lets her hair down, it's as golden as a Kansas wheat field that moves and shimmers in the summer sun when she walks. Her eyes—damn, they're the bluest of blues. As blue as a Kansas summer sky."

Ben quickly glanced away. "Something wrong, Ben?"

"Naw, I just haven't told her that in years."

Mrs. Frederick jotted something in her notes. "Go on, Ben."

"Mrs. Frederick, how's she doing?"

"She's fine. Amanda will be staying with us for several days. What happened between you two?"

"I don't know." Ben hands tightened, and then he wrapped his fingers around his wrists. His eyes darted across the room in an effort to focus on something. Ben shrugged.

"I'm here to help, but I can't if you don't tell me what's on your mind," Mrs. Frederick coaxed.

"We had what I guess was a normal sex life. About two years ago it just stopped. She won't talk about it, at least not to me. I don't know. Now, sex with Amanda is in the dark, missionary style, you know, with her always on the bottom and me on top. The last time I had sex with my wife was at Christmas time. I practically had to beg. I don't understand. We use to "

"Fuck," Mrs. Frederick interrupted. "I've been down the road a few times, Ben, there's nothing you can say that I haven't heard."

Ben grinned. "I wasn't sure how to talk about this shit to a woman."

"Then don't hold back."

Ben's eyes widened and his nostrils flared. He stood and poked his finger on his chest. "I put that stocking in my pants for Amanda to find. I wasn't about to argue anymore. I simply won't beg for Amanda's attention."

"You shouldn't have to beg."

"You're damn fuckin' right I shouldn't!" Ben drilled his finger harder into his chest. "I knew she'd find the nylon. I planned on taking the hit. Being the assholeÐthe guy who cheated on his wife. Her friends would rally around Amanda, telling her to divorce me. I confessed to the affair. I want out, Mrs. Frederick. I didn't figure Amanda would do what she did. As they say, the monkey is on my back now. It's up to me to get the lawyer and terminate this marriage." Ben sat back into his chair and stared at the floor."

He twined his hands together and his breathing slowed. He looked back at Mrs. Frederick.

"Amanda won't let me see her naked. She hides. All Amanda wears from morning-until-night are sweat pants. When Amanda gets all dressed up and walks into a room, she turns heads." Ben's face turned a bright fire-engine-red. "I like to show her off. But now I swear she goes out of her way to look drab. She won't even shave her legs anymore. I hate those fuckin' sweat pants. I get laid once a year. That's all.

"There was an award banquet this January. It was important for me. Amanda was there, and I was on such a high. Mrs. Frederick, all I wanted was to go home and undress my beautiful sexy wife and make love to her."

"Didn't happened, did it?"

"No. We have instant printing, instant messages, and Amanda cornered the market with instant migraines. I have a headache. We got into a hell of a fight. I was so mad I left the house and stayed with a friend. I decided then that I wasn't going to beg for sex anymore. I put a plan in motion to meet a woman in Las Vegas."

"Sometimes, Ben, we really don't feel like it."

"Damn it, I know that! But that night was truly important to me. I don't want you to think that I come home from my shift, and then chase Amanda through the house with a hard-on trying to stick it into every hole she has. I don't and I don't give a rat's fuckin' ass if you believe me."

Mrs. Frederick leaned over her desk to glare at Ben. "You don't throw a good marriage in the shitter because you're not getting laid. What's really going on, Ben?"

Ben palmed his eyes. His chest heaved as he drew in long deep breaths.

"It's not just about sex. Sometimes, men really don't want it all the time either. Sometimes I need something else." Ben grew quiet. His reddened eyes stared sightlessly. "Mrs. Frederick, have you ever removed a dead baby from a mangled car?"

"No, Ben, I haven't."

"How many does it take? I've lost count. How many times have I carried the charred body of a child from a fire? I can't eat hot dogs from a grill "cause they look exactly like the flesh from a burnt corpse. The skin is black and crispy from the fire, but it's still pink underneath. How many does it take?"

"I don't know."

"I hear the radio's speaker break squelch, and the klaxons blare. A pair of teenagers decided to settle their differences with a gun. How many times have I washed their blood from the asphalt?"

"I don't know, Ben."

"How many times does it take before I need a soft place to come home to? Another wreck, another dead baby. I come home, and I want I need a soft place to land. I want to look at my wife naked before me. I want her to lie down beside me. I want the scent of her shampoo that still lingers in her hair from her morning shower to fill my senses. I want to cradle her breasts in my hands so I can feel her softness. I want to move my fingers across her panties so I know I am loved in an intimate way. I need to hold her as tight as I can so everything will be all right, if only for a little while—"

"And she's not there anymore, is she?"

Ben sat quietly. Mrs. Frederick noticed tears pooling in the corners of Ben's eyes. They broke free.

"Not anymore," Ben said. "I need her more for those times than I do for sex." He looked deep into her eyes. "How many does it take? Mrs. Frederick, please tell me—how many?"

Mrs. Frederick stood and waddled to the front of her desk and she touched Ben's shoulder. She picked up the phone. "Ben, I can get you some help. You say the word and I'll call."

"I'm fine. I just had— Huh, I'm fine."

"Ben, no one is fireproof. Not even you."

Ben lifted out of his chair and wiped his eyes dry. "I've been working with someone from the department."

"Who?"

"Doug Parker."

"He's good. He's very good," Mrs. Frederick said.

Ben walked toward the door. "I'm scheduled to work this afternoon."

"Not anymore. I'm quite aware of the public service work schedules in Overland Park, Kansas." Mrs. Frederick stood with her arms akimbo, and looked at Ben. "Ben, as of this minute, you're on two-weeks vacation."

"I can't take a vacation right now."

"Either go on vacation or I'll put you on sick leave. It's up to you. Either way, I don't care. But you're going to take some time off. I personally know the fire commissioner, so don't force my hand."

Ben blew out a quick, short breath. "Vacation, I guess. What about Amanda?"

"Do you still love her?"

"Yeah. Love was never in short supply in our marriage."

"Do me a favor then?"

Ben shrugged his shoulders then placed his hand on the doorknob. "What?"

"Don't do anything with the lawyers yet. Let me work with Amanda. Will you do that for me?"

"Sure, I'll see how things go. Since I'm on vacation, I might run down to Florida and see mom and dad."

Both brows rose. "One more thing, Ben."

"Yeah?"

"You're still married to Amanda. Keep your dick in your pants until this mess is sorted out." Mrs. Frederick leaned on her desk so hard her knuckles turned white. "I hate men that cheat on their wives, especially when they're out of town."

Mrs. Frederick walked over to the window and gazed at the bright sunny day. "Another day is beginning. Another beginning, Ben."

********

The next day Mrs. Frederick sat behind her stone-gray desk as Amanda walked quietly into her office. She walked like she was stepping on broken glass. Her long ponytail didn't even swing when she took those first steps from the doorway. Nicely pressed blue jeans and white sneakers gave Amanda an illusion of height.

"Good to see you, Amanda," Mrs. Frederick said as she walked out from behind the desk.

"I'm scared. They took all my stuff."

Mrs. Frederick sucked in a deep breath. "It's a precaution, that's all." Mrs. Frederick smiled and pointed at a large upholstered chair. She knew there was something eating at Amanda, and it wasn't Ben's affair. Mrs. Frederick decided to lean on Amanda until the truth came spewing out, no matter how toxic.

"Have you talked to Ben?"

"A little on the phone. He says he misses me."

"And what about you?"

The corner of Amanda's eye crinkled and she smiled. "I love him. I miss him so much."

Mrs. Frederick wasted no time. "Ben and I had a long talk yesterday."

"What did he say about me?"

"That's confidential. Just like I can't tell him what you say."

"Does he still love me?"

Mrs. Frederick nodded. "That he does. He also told me how much he enjoys brushing your hair."

Amanda twisted the ends of her hair around her fingertips, and then shrugged slightly. "Did he say he always takes my top off?"

"He did."

"Ooh— Ben has a thing for my hair. He likes to brush it. It feels so good when he does that sometimes I fall asleep. I just don't know why he has to have me naked from the waist up. It makes me uncomfortable."

"You're with your husband."

"I do know when he'd have a bad shift and especially when someone died in a fire or accident, he'd come home and ask me to let him brush my hair. One night there was a terrible fire. He came home, showered, and then sat me on the edge of the bed. He slipped my shirt and my bra off as he always did. I didn't object that time because I could tell he was hurting something awful. He sat behind me. Then, Ben pulled a brush through my hair, his fingers guiding each strand. He never spoke—just brushed my hair using one long continuous stroke. I could see him in the reflection of the vanity mirror. Mrs. Frederick, I sat in silence as my husband wept, brushing my hair while tears rolled down his face."

Mrs. Frederick took her glasses off and put an earpiece to her lips. She nibbled the end, and then allowed them to drop onto her chest by a silver chain.

"Ben needs you more than ever and if he wants to brush your hair while your breasts are bare, I don't see the problem. It's not like you have kids running around the house." Mrs. Frederick moved a chair over beside Amanda, pushed the back of her dress against her rear, and sat beside her.

"Have you ever asked him why?"

"No—"

"Then, Amanda, you should."

Mrs. Frederick scooted her chair so close to Amanda's that their knees touched. Mrs. Frederick rested her elbows on her thighs and held Amanda's fingers.

"Amanda, I've been around the block a few times. Perhaps more times than I'd like to admit." Mrs. Frederick gently squeezed Amanda's fingers. "I've talked to hundreds of rape victims. It's something that you don't just push under a throw rug. I can help you."

Amanda's eyes looked directly at Mrs. Frederick. "I'm sure Ben already told you about it."

"Yes... But he doesn't have a clue what's inside your head. You were the one violated, not Ben. What happened that night?" Mrs. Frederick held Amanda's fingers tight.

Amanda gathered her thoughts together and looked Mrs. Fredrick in the eyes. She began her story.

"Ben took me home from the prom and we sat on the porch swing and talked. Then, he reached up and spread my hair out across my shoulder. You should have seen his grin. Then, Mrs. Frederick, he kissed me. It was a slow sensual kiss like the one on the dance floor in front of the entire class. I know it's corny, but that was the first "real' kiss I ever had. It was better than what I ever dreamt about."

"It sounds like Ben was quite a catch."

"I almost died when he asked me to the prom. He was the co-captain of the football team. The girls were throwing themselves at him—" Amanda shrugged. "I wasn't much to look at then. I didn't like being a girl and wanted to roughhouse with the boys. Then to be asked to the prom by Ben, well he told me why that night. But I was all right with it. In fact, had he pressed I would have given him what he wanted."

"What happened after he left?"

"They were hiding. I had my first kisses that night, and I sat on the swing and felt so pretty. Before he left, the back of Ben's hand "accidently' grazed my chest. I felt so warm and loving. Then, I heard something by my car and when I went to see what it was; they jumped me. They put a bag over my head and pulled me over to the grass. I kicked and I fought as hard as I could. You gotta believe me!"

"I know you did."

"Two held my arms down and two held my legs. Someone started working on my shoes, and I heard my gown's zipper rip. I felt the coldness of a steel blade as it sliced through my bra straps. I had no strength left and I quit fighting. The next thing I knew my pantyhose were being lowered and yanked from my feet. They howled and laughed when Hal removed my panties."

"How do you know it was this Hal person?"

"The bag tore, and I could just make out who it was. He told "em to never pass on a piece of pussy especially when there's a bag over her head. I heard a belt buckle rattle and the sound of a zipper being lowered. He spat into his hand and jammed his fingers inside me— I never told Ben who raped me."

Amanda tightened her grip.

"He—" Tears flowed down her cheeks. "He shoved into me. It hurt. I tried to scream, but they covered my mouth. I'd never been with a boy before, and he took my virginity while all those guys watched. I felt his cum run out between my legs. He told his buddies to wash me off. I didn't know what was going on until I felt the first warm stream hit me "

"They urinated on you? All of them?"

Tears boiled from the corners of her eyes until they broke free and tumbled down her cheeks like twin rivers of sorrow. "Yeah, that's what they did. When they were done, someone whispered not to move for fifteen minutes or they'd come back and everyone would have a piece of me. They spread my legs apart, and I heard them drive away. I was so scared I don't know how I managed to breathe."

Mrs. Frederick let Amanda's fingers go. "Dear God! Why didn't you tell the police?"

Amanda stomped her foot hard. "I did! They covered for each other. The police even tried to blame Ben. I couldn't say for sure who was there, I didn't recognize their voices and without a suspect, the police weren't able to do anything."

"When did Ben find you?"

"I don't know. Time seemed to stand still. I heard footfalls in the grass then they quickened. I heard Ben's voice call out. He scooped me up and carried me to the swing. He took his shirt off, and wrapped it around my waist. He found what was left of my prom dress and covered my nakedness. Just minutes later, mom and dad came home, and with Ben holding me, they took me to the hospital."

"Did they do a rape kit?"

"Yeah, but with no suspects— The football coach backed up their stories. He told the cops they were with him. He lied."

Amanda seemed jittery and upset. She squirmed, and twisted her ponytail around her fingers. Mrs. Frederick knew there was more.

"Sounds to me like Ben and you quickly became more than friends. Wouldn't you say?"

"We dated after school was over. I helped him with his fire exams; he's one hell of a firefighter, but he's a little light upstairs when it comes to taking tests. We grew closer. It was almost a year after the prom and the rape before he took me to bed. My parents were gone for the weekend, and I gave myself to Ben in my bedroom."

"And how did that make you feel?"

Amanda blushed. "Sad mostly. The most precious gift I could give was taken from me that night. I wanted to give it to Ben, but that was never to be." Amanda's face flushed a bright red. "I like sex with Ben."

"Then why all of a sudden did you pull away from him?"

"A few years ago, on my way home from an appointment, I stopped at the grocery store for something for dinner. As Ben would say, I was all prettied up. This man comes up to me and says, "you're Ontario, aren't you?' I said that was my maiden name. He grinned such an evil smile. Then it hit me. It was Hal. He looked at me like I was a piece of meat. I stood there in my skirt and frilly blouse. My heels were high but not trashy and I had suntan hose on. It was an important meeting after all. I froze. I couldn't talk. He stalked closer and whispered that I looked good enuff to fuck without the bag. His eyes scanned the store, and then he lifted the back of my skirt up and squeezed my butt. In a flash, he had his hand on my left breast and he squeezed it so hard it hurt. Hal said he liked how I'd grown up, and he'd be back for seconds. He left me standing in tears."

"Did you tell Ben?"

"No! No! Ben would have killed him. I didn't want him to get into trouble."

"So, you changed that day. Didn't you?"

"Yeah, I did. I stopped wearing skirts and dresses. I didn't want Hal to see me in one. I wore no makeup. I shaved my legs every other week, sometimes longer. I wore nothing but sweat pants. I went braless. I did everything I could so Hal wouldn't get turned on and rape me again. I knew he was watching me."

"Amanda, honey, Hal wasn't watching you. And what about Ben? He suffered and he didn't have a clue."

"I couldn't tell him why. I couldn't get Hal out of my head. Every time the house creaked I thought it was him trying to break in."

"And yet you didn't tell Ben."

"No— I know it doesn't make sense now."

"And you kept your husband in the dark."

Amanda twisted her fingers together and stared out into the cold room. Mrs. Frederick noticed and pressed Amanda.