Fonding and Permission Ch. 02

"Then -- how -- about ... Veronica?"

"No. Right letter, though."

"Hmm ... Victoria!"

"No."

"Valentina?"

"No," she said, grinning. "But thank you all the same."

He returned it. "Damn, I can't think," he said. "Vacuosa!"

"Oh, thanks a bunch."

"You're welcome!" Plenty of V- words were flitting unsaid across his mind and he heard her laughing as he muttered them to himself.

"What?" She was staring at him.

"What?" he asked back innocently.

"Did you just say Viagra?"

"Oh," he said, grimacing and blushing. "I don't remember. I hope I did."

She laughed. "You know, it's actually not incredibly far off ..."

"By sound or meaning?"

"Sound. The meaning's more in the opposite direction."

"I'm lost."

"There is actually another V-word even closer."

"But you won't say it?"

"People tend not to want to hear it."

"Does it involve torture or something similarly horrible?"

"No."

"Then I don't mind."

"Promise?"

"Yes."

She turned left and right to check if anyone was watching, then bent towards his ear. Felix would have avoided it if he had seen it coming, but he couldn't stop himself in time. In the second before his manners kicked in to yank his gaze away, it had found the gap between tunic and skin, dived into its depths and caught most of her twin shapes nestling in the warm shade. He snapped his eyes shut, in effect memorising the last they had seen, and tried not to smile as he felt her cupped hands on his cheek and caught her breathy whisper:

"Vagina."

"Like that?" he whispered back.

"Mr. Dwight!"

Theresa drew away swiftly and Felix spun around. Dr. Velcôte was standing at his side, carrying an armful of artworks.

"Your painting, if you would be so kind!"

Of course. Time to say goodbye, Mr. Dürer. He flipped open his portfolio, pulled out the portrait and handed it to her.

"Thank you," she said, glancing at it critically. "Hmmm ... that's rather a lot of curls you've given young Albrecht."

"Well," said Felix, rallying to defend himself. "I've always thought him a bit on the straggly side. I like some healthy hair!"

Dr. Velcôte smiled at him benevolently and he could have sworn she glanced at Theresa. "We'll see," she said.

***

The next day was free of lectures or seminars, but with plenty of revision to do Felix sought out his favourite corner in the library and settled down. It was a secluded spot at the very end of the last southern aisle with a little table fixed against the wall, its single chair looking out of the window and across the sunlit green. A potted fig tree kept him company, its twigs brushing up against the edge of the table. He got out his notes and was soon immersed, absent-mindedly playing with the leaves, his fingers running gently over them and letting them bounce back up one at a time.

"Him and me?"

Felix jumped and looked around. Perhaps he had been too absorbed to notice anyone arrive, but the voice was only yards away, seemed to be coming from the very next aisle. It was Theresa. She was speaking to someone at low volume, but he could hear every word and inflection.

"Him and me? Are you serious?"

His chest tightened. Her and who? He half-turned in his chair to check that the high bookshelf blocked the view to his right completely, then sat still and listened.

"You mean, have ever I thought about it?"

"Well, yeah." That was Alice's voice.

"I think a lot. And it's hard to avoid the idea when he shoves it under your nose."

"So ...?"

"I think ... I might be unable to cope with his subtlety."

Alice laughed. Felix didn't.

"All this bragging and fakeness," Theresa went on.

Oh ... that kind of subtlety. Felix thought he might know who this was. He eased up a little and looked back down at at his work, realising at the same moment that he'd have trouble concentrating on it now. He gave up and devoted all his attention to listening.

"And all this bullshit sex-talk. Doesn't he get how stupid it is?"

His theory was being confirmed fast. But he was surprised to hear Theresa so vulgar. Perhaps she spoke more loosely to Alice than she ever had to him ... perhaps she, too, trusted her easily.

"Well, he obviously likes you," said Alice. "More than he wants to ..."

"He likes hammerable bitches with nice funbags," Theresa said. "Sorry for the presumption."

Felix's eyes widened. This was definitely not the style he associated with her.

"I know he's well off limits," Alice said. "But you know he has a tough time of it at home?"

"I know his parents have split up" said Theresa, her voice calm and gentle. "And I know he looks after his little sister a lot of the time, which is all good of him. I'm not saying he's got no decency. I'm just saying he's not my sort of person ... Did you hear what he said about me the other day?"

"You mean when we got calculus back?"

"Yes."

"Hard not to."

"I mean, maybe it takes all sorts to make a world. Maybe Cassie likes being treated like a slab of pork, but I don't ... And I wish he'd stop calling me Tessy."

"You don't like Tessy?"

"I don't like people calling me Tessy unless we're really close. I know it's silly ..."

"Hmmm ..." Alice sounded nonplussed. "And how about, you know ..." She must have made a gesture Felix couldn't see, but he heard Theresa's sharp laugh, almost derisive, and Alice's question: "You don't think he's any good at that?"

"Look ..." Theresa broke down laughing again. He pictured her mirth at once and looked longingly at the opaque bookshelf, while she pulled herself together.

"Look, I'm sure he knows his stuff. Cassie seems to think so anyway. And yes, the two of us could probably have some horrible sort of fun. At gunpoint."

Alice chortled.

"There's no need to get excited, Alice. Most people could with a bit of creative effort. But the thought feels pretty wrong -- no, the wrong kind of wrong. Just like a really bad idea. There wouldn't be much respect involved on either side. He's just got a completely different style and outlook and ... everything from me. We'd dry up in a hurry. We've not got much to talk about. We're just not interested in the same things and ... don't speak the same language, if you know what I mean."

"OK ... I guess that makes sense ... But you want to be careful, Tess. The worse you bash him now, the more easily he'll get you with a positive surprise. One day he'll do something awesome and all of a sudden you'll think Wow Darren's so amazing!"

"I know what you mean." Theresa sounded quite calm and sure of herself. "But I won't. Because I'm not falling into the trap of thinking he's all horrible. I'm just saying I don't much like him and we don't match up. I think that hits the nail on the head. Are you saying I'd better get wild about him now to stop it happening tomorrow?"

"Well, no ... That'd be crazy."

"Yes, it would," said Theresa. "I think we can expect me not to get wild about him ever. One of us would need to change a ton. And ..." She paused for a moment. "I'm not that sort of person anyway. I don't think I'd ever get totally carried away by someone. I mean, no-one's superhuman ... We're all made of the same messy stuff. We all eat and drink and sleep and try to have a good time while being decent ... well, some don't bother much about the last bit ... But no-one's a god."

Felix nearly laughed out loud at her incidental survey of human nature. How strikingly similar her views were to his own. A kindred spirit ...

"You're being pretty highbrow about this, Tess," Alice remarked. "Pride goes before the fall."

"I don't think I'm being proud," Theresa said reasonably. "I'm just trying to keep it real ... One shouldn't go around having one's impressionable little head turned at every corner. It makes you ... unreliable. Untrustworthy. I don't want that to happen to me. I want to keep a level head somewhere inside and be dependable. And if something or someone suddenly seems amazing and unbelievable, well ... maybe you shouldn't hurry to believe it. Or them."

"You sound like you could never do romance, Tess," said Alice. "You're a total rationalist. You're not leaving any room for feelings."

"No," said Theresa patiently. "I'm leaving lots of room for them. I think they're the whole point of everything. Good feelings are my goal, they're just not my guides ... I want to love, but without being blind."

"Fair enough --and wow, for the record-- but, I mean ... you sound like you could never do anything wild ...?"

"Well ..." Theresa's quickly stifled laugh seemed to hold secrets and several seconds passed before she spoke again. "Let's say I try not to be flat-out dumb. But the good thing is, there are rules you can sometimes break --spectacularly-- with no harm done."

"But have you ever actually done that?"

"I --come on, Alice. You've had a sample!" Theresa was suddenly giggling like a teenage Cassie.

"What d'you mean?"

"Remember Spain?"

"Spain? What about it?"

"This summer?"

"This --oh ..." Alice fell silent for several seconds, then said decisively: "OK, you win that one." She seemed to think for a moment. "I don't suppose you'll ever tell me the details?"

"I-- " For the first time Theresa seemed flustered. "No. I don't think I'd want to tell anyone ... except maybe someone with that sort of interest in me --I mean, no offence to you. Sorry."

"No problem ... I know I'm untrustworthy."

Felix was looking out of the window, his mouth half-open. He could sense pain lying in wait, threatening to be felt acutely at any moment, but not there just yet. He was also wishing he had a tape recorder. He would have to remember this, make a note at the next opp-- he looked at the pen in his hand and at the nice white gaps between his lecture notes, and moment later he was writing.

He had never heard Theresa open up so freely and beautifully. Amazing. Unbelievable, in fact. He reread what he had just written down.

... If it seems unbelievable, don't believe it ...

He frowned. By the sound of it, the two women had become good friends. So why were they talking like a philosopher introducing herself to her shrink? ... Come on, Felix, said a confident little voice in his head and he began to grin through his frown. Alice knows you like sitting here ... And he felt himself shaking with silent, disbelieving laughter.

"Well, anyway, you've got a reluctant fan in Darren," said Alice.

"Has he told you so?"

"No. I'm not betraying any confidences. But it's obvious. The way he looks at you ..."

"I think his fandom ends below my neck," said Theresa. "And concentrates around here."

"Well, you do have a decent set," said Alice. "Sorry to be frank."

Felix just about managed to keep his silence. Theresa sounded close to the edge herself when she answered.

"Thanks ... I've learnt to cope with it. But if Darren wants those, he can just ... grab some hormones and grow his own ... It's never too late for a new look."

Alice chortled. "I can totally see his little farm with them all planted in neat rows."

All three of them were laughing now, Felix giving up his effort to stifle it. He was sure he'd been heard.

"Well, according to him I'm not a real girl anyway," Theresa said, shrill all of a sudden. "I like the soft shit too much."

"What sort of person are you looking for then?"

Alice's question silenced them all in seconds and Felix felt his pulse surge. The air seemed to thicken like fast-setting glue.

"I think ..." Theresa's voice sounded suddenly brittle, naked, tremulous. "Well, it would have to be someone I can relate to, and talk to about everything ... and feel on level terms with." Her voice was still trembling a little, but gathering confidence, as though realising that it was, after all, still talking sense. "You know, someone to both give to and take from ... someone who thinks about things and cares about the world ... and respects me ... who knows how to listen, not just talk ... and has a positive outlook. And ..."

Felix was holding his pen and breath.

"Someone with soft hands."

As both of the young women laughed again, Felix reached out, watched a single fig leaf bend under his ring finger and slowed his movement until he was pushing it only by the very tip, before allowing it to spring back up.

***

Course trip day had arrived. To most of the students' surprise and (it appeared) delight the authorities had decided the best entertainment-education compromise was to be found in a visit to the adventure pool. But as the chattering group crossed the tiled floor from the reception to the changing rooms, Felix felt his heart sink a little. He had always hated the way the boys had teased him in the changing room. Back at school he had been among the smallest in his class and he still didn't exactly tower over anyone near his age. He didn't mind being on the small side in general. It made you efficient. But the biggest boys had been nearly a foot taller than him and Robbie had lost no opportunity to demonstrate that the difference in size applied to all body parts. Changing before and after swimming lessons had been a regular run of the gauntlet which he had tried to bear with grace in spite of occasional kicks and even grabs. But today was supposed to be a good day.

"I'm not changing with them", he said, mostly to himself.

He began to look for a separate cubicle. But there were merely locker rooms, four of them, to choose from. Darren's lot had already picked one, entered it noisily and were to be heard shouting to Cassie and Jennifer in the neighbouring compartment. Leaving behind their laughter and calls of "Take it off!", Felix found the third room also blocked. Alice and Theresa were heading for the fourth.

"You three hurry up!", called Dr. Velcôte, who was supervising them for the day. She raised her voice to lecture hall volume and called down the corridor, "I expect everyone poolside in five to ten minutes!" And with a final "You too, Lord Absent of Mind!" to Felix, she bustled past them and through a door that led straight to the pool area. A jumble of echoing human voices and splashes reached them for a moment, before the door fell to behind her, shutting it out completely.

"You'd better," said Alice.

Felix looked at the two of them standing there close together, wearing strikingly similar, apologetic looks, and felt suddenly embarrassed. How they had known the question was in his mind he had no idea, but their faces were answering it. We're women, they seemed to be saying. There are things we do together where you get left out. That's how it is. Yes, we like your company. One of us likes you a lot. But the locker room door is where it stops. Well, what did he expect?

"I'll be fine," he said flatly. "Just waiting for someone to finish and I'll pop in after them. I won't take a minute and you bet it's no fun changing with Darren."

"I can believe that," said Alice. "You know what, we'll just hurry up and be out in two minutes."

"Thanks," said Felix, feeling grateful, relieved and yet, somewhere, a little sad. "But don't rush yourselves," he added with a grin. "I'm used to Dr. Velcôte complaining."

Three seconds of silence.

"Oh, this is just silly, Tess", Alice said. "Why don't we just let him change with us and no fuss?"

The two women exchanged a swift glance.

"Unless you mind, that is." Theresa said quite calmly, turning to Felix.

Felix's mind stumbled badly but he managed a neutral "Oh, I'm fine." Fine didn't quite tell the story, though. They couldn't know, surely, but beneath his shock something else was stirring. He was afraid. Alert. Tingling.

"Well ..." said Theresa a little delicately, as they moved through the door, then seemed to decide there was nothing to add.

As routinely as possible, they put down their bags and began to undress. Felix didn't quite know where to look and kept his eyes pointed at his feet as he pulled off his shoes and socks. He was suddenly very aware of how average he must look, how smelly his clothes must be. What a situation to have slithered into ...

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Alice brusquely getting on with things --almost hurrying beyond need, it seemed-- whereas Theresa seemed to be moving a little slowly, as though dazed. Rather like himself, he thought hazily, laboriously pulling his shirt over his head. He also felt frustrated, as though he had suddenly stepped through a hidden curtain to somewhere unthought of and was now too unprepared and cautious to explore, while time ran out. He looked back at the locker room door.

They kept an awkward silence for a minute or two, until they were all standing there in their underwear. Alice didn't slow down even a bit, but Felix only half-noticed. He thought later that some kind of desperation must have made him raise his head to face Theresa, just as she turned his way.

Her face lit up as unexpectedly as the midnight sky. Her mouth stayed closed but spread up into the corners, and her eyes creased. He had no idea how she had conjured it up: a sudden look of life and joy, which said quite clearly, "I'm at ease, Felix. This is where we belong." What a contrast to the apology just a few minutes before ... He felt warmth rush through him, up into his face and radiate off it back towards her. In a moment, most of the awkwardness seemed to have been replaced by promise. He wasn't sure it wouldn't come back, but right now he felt hope.

Alice had her back turned to them and was already fastening her bikini top. Felix had hardly noticed her get this far. "See you two later!" she said, grabbed her bag, and strode out through the back door to their half-hearted see-yous. For the third time in recent days, he thought that she understood more than she was letting on. The sound of the door closing seemed to echo.

Theresa and Felix were still facing each other, but her smile had dropped below his face and become a little reserved.

"Well ..." Her voice sounded tenser and more brittle than it had done two minutes ago. She looked a little lost. Not looking at him, she reached behind her back towards her bra straps, and seemed to slow down, lowering her head even further.

Situation keep going, he thought. No embarrassment. Keep calm. Don't shake. Move smoothly. Easier thought than done. Looking down at himself, he began to fumble ineffectually with the buttons on his shorts, half terrified of his own shape inside them. Thank goodness for buttons, he thought. Work on them and give her time to deal with the more complicated contraption that still covered her own body.

"Damn these boxers," he muttered and forced a chuckle, unable to bear the silence.

It wasn't even a joke, but she had the kindness to laugh. He heard her nerves in it. "Mine's giving me trouble too ..." she said with much more softness than the sentence deserved.

Still staring at the floor tile pattern, he was very conscious of the material parting about his waist and dropping to his ankles, of the coarse hair and flesh he was exposing and at the same time aware of the small sound of her bra sliding down her arms and, out of the corner of his eye, of her lifting first one leg and then the other, and then at last of two new pale bits of clothing lying dejected on the ground.

Trembling badly, he looked up. There she stood, almost but not quite facing him. She was looking just past him but hiding nothing of her front. Her head was raised proudly and both her hands were working at the half-opened bun behind it, leaving the rest of her quite uncovered. She had hoisted a businesslike expression onto her face, but others seemed to be struggling beneath it and her cheeks were flushed. He gazed at her foolishly for a moment. He saw her eyes flick nervously in his direction, just miss his face, zigzag across his chest and stomach ... drawn to, repelled by and again drawn to where he wished his underpants were. Or did he? His arms were making no attempt to cover himself.