Forever Gone, Forever You

Our first date was not some magical, expensive escapade that cost thousands of dollars. I took her to an early movie and we went to get ice cream afterwards. I think what sealed the deal for me was when she accidentally slipped and I caught her. It caused our faces to come in close proximity and our eyes locked. For me it was magical, I saw my future with her and I knew then that she was the woman that I could commit to. She's often told me similar things. The one I love most sounds really corny, but she said that she saw her kids in my eyes. Yep, kids plural and at the time I had none and she only had the one.

Meeting Marie for the first time was scary. I knew that any future I had with Bonnie depended on Marie. We were supposed to be going to the park for that first date that we took Marie along with us on, but Bonnie still wanted to knock my socks off. Perhaps this is a good point to knock your socks off too.

Bonnie isn't some waif thin supermodel type with five foot long legs. Bonnie is very beautiful but she's a bit on the chunky side. She's not fat or huge, she's just not thin. She has big legs, a big butt and huge boobs. I wouldn't change her for all of the money in the world. I love snuggling up to her big soft hips when we sleep. And waking up with one of her legs draped over me always turns my morning wood to steel.

Anyway, back to the date. I was more nervous about meeting Marie than I was about meeting Bonnie's parents. After Bonnie introduced us, I smiled and the little girl came over me and looked at me.

She burst out in a smile and started talking rapid fire. "Hi my name is Marie. I'm three," she said. It all ran together in one burst of words. She paused and held up four fingers showing me she was three.

"Do you know how to play any games, how about Jacks, I love to play Jacks but I'm not very good at it," she said. I got some of it. I remembered that the girls in my neighborhood used to play jacks but I'd never tried.

I shrugged my shoulders and she started up again. "Okay, don't worry about it, I'll teach you okay?" She ran out of the room quickly.

Bonnie must have heard her footsteps and ran into the living room half dressed. Her blouse was still open and for the first time I got a look at her bra covered boobs. I was frozen to the spot. What snapped me out of it was the look of anger on her face.

"What did you do to her?" she snapped. "Maybe you should just go. This isn't going to work out." I was so confused that I didn't know what to do. On one hand I hadn't done anything to the little girl. I didn't really like kids but I'd thought that this one was adorable. I actually wanted to be around her.

On the other hand Bonnie's anger was causing her to breathe a lot harder and those heaving breasts were taking their toll on me. I opened the door and got ready to leave. "I'm really sorry you feel that way," I said. "I thought we had something special."

"I did too," she said.

Suddenly Marie re-appeared carrying a small case. She looked at me, then back to her mother.

"Where are you going?" she asked me. "I thought we were going to play Jacks. I have to teach you how. I had to go and get my jacks. You can't play jacks without jacks."

She grabbed my hand and pulled me back inside the door, then looked at her mother. "Mommy, did you make him go home?"

"No honey, I want him to stay too," said Bonnie. She noticed then that her shirt was unbuttoned and started fastening it. From then on, the three of us were inseparable. And by the three of us I didn't mean me and her boobs.

We got married and a few years later adopted another baby girl. I loved Bonnie more every day and I loved my girls too. I didn't think that my life could possibly get any better until roughly nine months ago when Bonnie told me that she was pregnant.

The astronauts on the international space station probably heard us screaming that day. Not that we loved our girls any less, but this was something that we both really wanted and thought that we'd have to do without.

I knew already that Bonnie had strong feelings about the way that she thought a pregnancy should go. I was worried that I'd be able to live up to her expectations. For a lot of women their dream romantic fantasy revolves around poetry or a trip to Paris or going out to an elegant affair.

To my Bonnie the most romantic, erotic, sensual thing two people can do is to have a baby together. You hear a lot about the saying that when two people are in love their souls blend when they make love. To Bonnie the ultimate expression of love is having a baby with the man you love. She was into the whole belly rubbing, running out in the middle of the night for pickles and ice cream trip.

Each day she got bigger and happier. She also got hornier if that was even possible. I also had to reassure her that the few pounds she'd gained only made her more attractive to me. I had to develop a kind of radar for exactly what she needed to hear and when she needed to hear it.

As I said, yesterday should have been the happiest moment of my life other than when Bonnie first told me that she loved me or the day she agreed to marry me. But all of the happiness yesterday had brought with silly T-shirts and me handing out bubble gum cigars to everyone I met paled in comparison to the despair I felt when an overworked doctor said those three terrible words.

I had, as has been mentioned, already gotten to the hospital very early after waking up from my two hours of sleep, then taking a quick shower and putting on jeans and my ridiculous T-shirt. When I got to the hospital I asked the doctor if I needed to give any more blood and he told me that they were fine but that if they needed any blood it would be better if it came from her mother or her biological father. "Her biological father," I thought, what the hell was I?

As he saw my reaction the doctor knew that he had fucked up. He apologized several times and knew that he'd just possibly gotten himself a lawsuit. The HIPPA laws are very strict when it comes to patient confidentiality.

Suddenly the room got a lot smaller and I had trouble breathing. I had all of these jumbled thoughts going through my mind. Why wasn't I the baby's biological father? Wait, was I supposed to be? I wasn't Marie's biological dad. I wasn't Tara's biological Dad either. So was I supposed to be Brandy's?

Marie wasn't mine. Tara wasn't mine. Now it turned that Brandy wasn't mine. And obviously when you came right down to it Bonnie, wasn't mine either. She had definitely fucked someone else and she'd known it. After 11 years together, she knew how I felt about her so I was sure she knew what this would do to me.

She probably also knew that that Brandy wasn't mine, so she had also besides cheating on me, set out to purposefully deceive me. None of them were mine. Did I have anything that was? I needed to get out and get some air. I pushed brusquely past a bunch of our friends who wanted to wish me well.

Though it wasn't their fault, I just didn't have the patience to deal with them right then. I just needed to get the fuck out of that room before the walls that were closing in on me, crushed me.

The nurse told me that my wife had just awakened and had asked for me. At the same time several of our friends and Bonnie's sister, Brenda, had seen that stupid fucking shirt and started calling me daddy.

It was like I was trapped in a room full of people calling me daddy, sarcastically and laughing at me. I really wasn't anyone's daddy. I was just a fucking joke. Everywhere I looked, another smiling face calling me daddy. It was like an episode of the twilight zone.

Then the nurse stepped up and in a very insistent voice said, "Daddy, your wife wants to see you right now, very badly. She said she needs a kiss."

"Hey, you'd better not go," someone said. "That's what started this whole thing in the first place, Daddy."

I think I must've been temporarily nuts, because everything they said seemed to be coming at me in slow motion. Their voices sounded distorted and unnaturally deep and everything they said no matter how innocent, dripped sarcasm.

Daddy, daddy, your wife wants to see you daddy. No more kisses for you, daddy.

These were my family and friends, but suddenly I hated every God damned one of them. If I could have pushed a button and set off a bomb at that moment, that hospital would be a smoking crater in the middle of the city right now.

"Fuck her," I screamed at the top of my lungs. Everyone in the room stopped and stared at me. Except for the beeping of machines and computers there was abject silence. Then after a few moments someone got over their shock and said, "You already did, that's why we're here."

The next thing I remember was being in the parking starting my car and the sound of my tires shredding as I peeled out of there. Lost in my thoughts, back on the trails I ran faster and faster over the uneven ground with only Amy Lee's depressing wail as my companion.

* * * * * *

Brenda Franklin walked into the room and stood beside her sister's bed. On the surface the two sisters couldn't have been more different. Beneath the surface the differences were even greater. Brought up with similar values, one would expect the sisters to share similar personalities and values, but they didn't.

Where Bonnie entered the convent in her twenties, Brenda became a model. Bonnie was either voluptuous or chunky depending on how generous you were. Brenda was very svelte as her career dictated.

Bonnie could go shopping and most people wouldn't remember seeing her. Men's head snapped nearly off their necks trying to catch a glimpse of Brenda.

Bonnie had gone sex crazy after leaving the convent. Brenda had done her experimenting during her college years and looked at sex as just another human body function. She neither avoided it nor went out after it. While she had no scruples against occasionally putting out to get a better assignment, the times that she'd done it were few and far between.

Bonnie loved children and wanted as many as she could have. Brenda had gotten her tubes tied when she turned twenty two. She didn't want to risk her career or her livelihood with an unwanted pregnancy. Her sister's mishap had been extremely telling for her.

Bonnie loved her husband more than she could ever put into words. Brenda had never felt anything resembling what Bonnie talked about. Bonnie was sure that Brenda just needed to meet the right man under the right circumstances. She went out of her way to try and fix her sister up sometimes. Brenda very gently rebuffed her sister's attempts at matchmaking. She knew that when she was ready, the right man would come around.

Brenda looked down at her sister, in the hospital bed. She shook her head. All of that shit about new mothers looking radiant was pure bull. Bonnie looked like hell. Her hair was all over the place. She didn't have any makeup on and she looked like she was about to cry at any moment.

There were a couple of tubes in her; pumping God knows what combination of chemicals in her veins. There was no way that Brenda would ever go through all of that just to bring another mouth to feed into the world.

And Shit, her sister, even after having the baby had to have put on at least twenty pounds. She was really lucky that Grant loved her, because losing all of that weight would take months.

"Hi Sis, you wanted to see me?" she said.

"I need a really big favor," said Bonnie.

"Okay," said Brenda.

"I need you to go over to the house and talk to Grant," began Bonnie.

"But isn't he coming over here anyway?" asked Brenda.

"Bren, I did something really stupid and really bad. I did it for the best reason in the world. I did it for Grant, but I don't think he's going to see it that way," said Bonnie. Her eyes filled with tears and she started crying. She let it out, secure in the knowledge that only her sister would know.

"Okay, shut off the water works. I'll go," said Brenda. Seeing her sister crying made her feel uncomfortable. Brenda wasn't a very emotional woman. "What do you want me to say to him?"

"Just ask him to call me or come to see me," begged Bonnie. "Tell him, I love him and we can get past this. I made a mistake."

Brenda just shook her head and walked out of the room. This was one of the reasons that she'd never bothered trying to sustain any kind of relationship. It was simply too much fucking work. You had weeks and months of misery, just to balance out a few days or minutes of happiness.

* * * * * *

It had been a good run. My girls would go crazy when I told them that I'd seen a deer. I also saw lots of squirrels in a variety of colors, several chipmunks, a raccoon and a skunk that I gave a wide berth. As I dragged my tired ass into the house that surprisingly no longer felt like home, I was tired but it was a good tired. I realized what I'd tried to do unconsciously and had almost succeeded in doing.

I was trying to run myself into the ground so I'd be too tired to sit down and think about what Bonnie had done to us. Not just what she'd done to me. Her actions had changed our whole family. I had dwelled on the fact that while I was in the hospital I had actually considered Marie, not to be my child.

That was the most insidious part about this whole thing. Most of us in this day and age are enlightened enough that we fool ourselves into thinking things. We all believe that we don't judge either our friends or anyone else by the color of their skin, their nationality or their age. We consider ourselves above all of that bullshit. We believe in our heart of hearts that those things are gone and they're simply remnants of a less enlightened age.

Then in a fit of anger, we scream out the N word or call someone another ethnic slur and we're forced to take an even more serious look at ourselves. At the same time, all of our friends use our outburst to pin a label on us and to at the same time elevate themselves in their own eyes because they are now morally superior to us...until it happens to them.

For the past 11 years, Marie has been my daughter. She has my last name. I couldn't have loved her more if a doctor had pulled her kicking and screaming out of the end of my dick. But in a fit of anger, I had at least in my thoughts either decided or realized that she wasn't mine.

If she isn't, then whose daughter is she? If you added up the hours there is no person on the planet including Bonnie who has spent more time with Marie than I have. I would gladly die for her. Does the amount of time I spend with her make up for the one, two or possibly three drops of sperm that some unknown guy deposited in Bonnie to make her? Does the fact that he's never seen her and probably couldn't pick her out of a group of girls her age if his life depended on it mean anything?

What about Tara? Is she more mine than Marie is because Bonnie and I adopted her together? And the new baby, Brandy. If neither of the others is my biological child, why do I hate her so much already, when only 24 hours ago I was so ready to love her. In fact I did love her for the first brief hours of her life until I discovered that she and I were both the victims of her mother's betrayal.

What about Bonnie? She'd told me about her wild days. Obviously what we had means nothing to her. She probably just got bored and needed more excitement. She decided that she could just get it on the side while I worked my ass off to support her. She fucked up and got pregnant again? No problem, this time she already had a sucker in position to take care of her.

All of that bullshit about how we finally got lucky and how wonderful and beautiful it was. Just so she could get me to raise someone else's fucking kid. Every day when I dragged my ass off to work, they were probably lying in my bed laughing at me. The biggest question was; what was I going to do about it? I couldn't stay married to Bonnie. Though I loved her with all of my heart, this just couldn't be fixed.

The worst thing about it was what this would do to my girls. Under the best possible outcome this would tear the family apart. I ran all of the various scenarios through my head as I cracked a Dos Equis and sat on my deck.

What I wanted to do most was divorce the cheating bitch and somehow be able to obtain custody of my girls. I'd suffer for a while, but I'd get over Bonnie in time. I wasn't sure the girls would. There would come a time when they'd need that female influence in their lives. Even if I remarried, the person I married would get a lot of resentment for daring to try to replace their mom.

The second possibility was even worse for me and exactly the same for the girls. If I divorced Bonnie and she got custody. I'd only be able to see my girls on weekends and holidays. Maybe I'd see them at the odd school function or birthday. That would be hell. It simply wouldn't be enough.

That way would also bring complications. They'd live with Bonnie's new monster. They'd be her sisters too. So after a while, when I stopped by to pick them up or brought them presents, things would be awkward. My claims that she had her own father, would be hard for them to understand. I hated that version.

Lastly, the best short term solution for my girls would be if I could simply live with it. Accept Bonnie's bastard and move on. There was simply no way that I'd ever accept that child or love it. I could sit down with Bonnie and explain to her that I wanted nothing to do with her or her child but that we could stay together and pretend to be a family for the good of my daughters.

Once they all got old enough to understand what was going on, we'd re-assess the situation. It would mean daily contact with Bonnie and her baby. That child, through no fault of its own would be a constant reminder that Bonnie had destroyed our family. So that solution would be the worst for me. But it would also give the greatest reward because I'd get to see my girls every day and watch them grow up and be there to help guide them through life so they didn't grow up with only a whore as a role model.

Of course, there would have to be changes made. We could sell the girls on the fact that the baby and having the baby had caused some of them. Daddy is sleeping in the guest room or the basement because Mommy needs to be there for the baby. That would work except that there is no way I was giving up my bedroom. Bonnie could sleep in the basement. I would help her move some furniture down there, but that would be the end of my involvement.

She would also continue to keep the house clean and make the meals. I would continue to support us. I'd start a saving account for her so that when this shit was all over, she'd have some money to start her new life on. Tap, tap, tap...

I would have to keep up the charade for ten years. That isn't very long in the grand scheme of things. It was only 120 months or 520 weeks. Maybe it was easier to think of it as 3650 days. But they'd be days spent with my girls, I could do it for them. Tap, tap, tap...

Of course, there'd be no relationship outside of being co-parents with Bonnie. No sex, no cuddling, no presents, I wanted no contact with her. Tap, tap, tap...God damn it who the fuck was tapping on my fucking fence.

I walked across the yard and opened the gate. Bonnie's sister, Brenda stood there.

"Hi Grant," she smiled. I'd like to say that she smiled warmly. But ...well maybe if you lived in the Arctic Circle you could call it warm. Anywhere else her smile would be considered pretty God damned frosty. I knew she didn't mean anything by it. She was just being Brenda. I grabbed her and hugged her. As usual she just stood there and let me. She didn't return the hug. It was like hugging one of those soft mannequins or a blow up doll.