Forgetting the Past

She leaned in and whispered menacingly to her captive 'Don't make me hurt you woman. Leave Susan alone; she doesn't want you and you know it. Go peacefully and this goes no further -- try anything and I'll break your arm.'

'Just who the fuck do you think you.... ow, get the fuck off me!!' Carrie had only applied a bit more pressure, not enough to do any damage, but it had the desired effect of making her release her grip on Susan. Carrie then frog marched Sam to the door and pushed her outside, ignoring the stream of slurred obscenities that were being hurled in her direction.

She turned back into the club, smiling at the bouncers who were quite cheerful about her doing their job for them and almost walked straight into Susan who had followed her to the doorway.

'Thanks Carrie, that was starting to get pretty nasty.' 'That's ok, she's known for being a bit aggressive when she's had too much to drink, you should keep your distance. What are you doing here Susan?' 'What do you mean?' 'You do know this is a gay bar don't you?' 'Yes, of course.' 'So what are you doing here?' 'Do I have to spell it out for you Carrie? I'd have thought you of all people might be a bit more intuitive!'

Carrie stared dumfounded until the penny dropped. 'You're gay?'

'Technically bisexual I guess, although it's been a while since I went out with a man. Why are you so surprised?' 'Well, I guess I'm just surprised Jonno didn't mention it.' Stammered Carrie, beginning to feel stupid 'Jon didn't know Carrie. You may have had a close relationship with my brother where you could talk about anything but I didn't, and strangely enough, who I choose to sleep with never became a topic of conversation on his brief visits home.'

Unusually Carrie was stuck for words. It seemed that Jonno had known as little about his sister as she had known about him and now that he was gone it saddened her that they'd never get a chance to rectify that situation.

'Can I buy you a drink as a thank you?' asked Susan, breaking the silence.

'Um sure, yeah I guess so. Let me go tell my friends where I am before they send out a search party,'

When Carrie reached her friends they were looking like they were getting ready to go, offering her a place in their taxi. Carrie explained the incident with Sam and that Susan was just getting her a drink.

'You old dog!' chuckled Ali 'She hasn't been short of offers but she's turned everyone down so far.'

'Don't get excited girl, she's just buying me a drink as a thank you, she's not coming onto me!'

'Yeah right!' and with that Ali left, winking over her shoulder and chuckling to herself.

Carrie joined Susan at the bar and sat on the bar stool next to her. It was getting late and the crowd was thinning slightly, making conversation slightly easier.

'So how come we've never bumped into each other here before?' asked Susan, tipping her glass to Carrie's in a silent 'cheers'.

'I don't come here often. It's too much like a cattle market and there are too many people here like Sam for my liking.' The mention of the aggressive dyke caused Susan to shiver noticeably. 'How on earth did you end up in that situation, didn't anyone warn you about her?'

'I was dancing with a group of friends and she kind of joined in with us. The next thing I know my so-called friends have all left and I'm stuck on the dance floor with her. Wouldn't have been too bad but just then the music slowed down and she grabbed me. I tried to walk away straight after the dance but she had other ideas as you saw. I really can't thank you enough for rescuing me Carrie; I was just about ready to scream if she didn't let me go.'

'Don't worry, the bouncers know her and they wouldn't have let her drag you out against your will. The next time she sees you she'll be falling over herself to apologise -- until she gets drunk again.'

They chatted for a while over a couple of drinks until it was nearly closing time when Carrie suddenly felt the urge to leave. As she was gathering her jacket and bag Susan slipped a piece of paper into her hand with her phone number on it.

Carrie looked at her quizzically until Susan explained. 'Listen we got off on the wrong foot and that's my fault but I've enjoyed the talking to you and I thought it would be nice if we could be friends? If you fancy going for a drink and a chat some time give me a call?' and with that she kissed Carrie gently on the cheek and they went their separate ways.

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Carrie had been working too hard recently and had promised herself some long overdue time off now that the last big project had come to a close. She still had smaller projects in the pipeline but she had a good team and was confident that they could do without her for a few days. They had her number if anything unexpected came up.

Having woken early -- a habit that she was still trying to break from her army days, she decided to go out for a walk in the bright Spring sunshine. She had no specific destination in mind but within 30 minutes she found herself at the gates to the churchyard.

She ambled around the gravestones until she came to Jonno's plot, the ground still raised in a noticeable hump and a temporary marker in place, waiting for the ground to settle before a more permanent headstone could be erected.

She sat down on the soft grass next to the plot, wishing she'd brought flowers. She had no idea how long she'd sat there, the sun warming her back gently as she reminisced about times gone past that she'd shared with her friend. Childhood times when they were competing against each other to be the fastest or strongest or best in whatever sport they were playing; adult times when they'd gone out drinking together, both hoping to pull some cute woman; army times when they'd shared how scared they were in the face of enemy fire -- daring to talk to each other about their fears in a way they never would with their other fellow soldiers; proud times on both getting Firsts in their degrees and the ensuing hangover that followed their celebration.

Most of the memories were happy and full of mischief but they were followed by the inevitable sadness caused by knowing that they would never share such times again. She knew that tears has started to slowly trickle down her face but she let them fall unchecked, allowing herself this time to wallow in how much she missed her friend.

'Hi, mind if I join you?' The voice startled Carrie out of her reverie and back to reality and she stood quickly, wiping the tears from her face.

Susan stood there looking at her, eyes full of sympathy and understanding.

'You know I think you probably miss him more than I do. He may have been my brother but you spent more time with him than me and you knew him so much better.'

'Sorry -- your turn to grieve, I'll leave you to it.' Carrie was embarrassed at being caught sitting there crying and for some reason, the last person she wanted seeing her this vulnerable was Susan, so she wiped her face one last time and turned to leave but she felt herself being tugged back by the sleeve of her jacket.

'Why do you keep running away from me away Carrie, have I done something to offend you?'

'I don't, I'm not, it's just..... I thought you'd want some time alone.' She answered lamely, knowing that it wasn't really the truth but not understanding the real reason herself.

'Actually I just detoured through here on my way to the supermarket to buy something for lunch but I'd much rather go to a café or bistro if you fancy joining me? I hate eating alone -- I'm buying.'

Carrie intended to say no but when she thought about it she couldn't come up with a single reason as to why she shouldn't have lunch with Susan. It wasn't like she had anywhere else to be, or anything else to do, so why was she so reluctant? Before she realised what she was doing she heard a voice that she knew to be her own saying 'Yes ok.'

They sat outside a café in the town square, revelling in the spring sunshine and the blossom that was abundant on the ornamental cherry trees. As they sat drinking coffee and chatting after their meal, Carrie came to a realisation. Susan reminded her of Jonno.

She noticed how their mannerisms and speech idioms were similar, as were their senses of humour. They were both quick to laugh -- the sound itself a bubbling of amusement that seemed to well up from somewhere deep down inside, breaking out onto the surface in an explosion of contagious mirth.

She watched as Susan sat twirling her coffee spoon around her slender fingers and wondered how many times she'd watched Jonno do exactly the same thing, had even been irritated by it.

'Hey, hello -- earth to Carrie!' She looked up startled. Susan had been saying something but she had no idea what.

'I'm really sorry Susan I think I drifted off there for a moment.'

'Yeah, I noticed! By the way, you know how you asked me not to call you CJ? Well would you mind not calling me Susan? The entire world calls me Sue except for you and my Mum and I'd rather not have you two in the same category.'

'Oh sorry. What's wrong with being in the same category as your Mum, don't you get on?'

'We get on ok for the most part. She wasn't overly pleased that just as her Goth daughter started to look and behave normally she came out as gay, but we got over that. Unfortunately now that Jon's gone she's bemoaning the fact that she'll never had grandkids but we do ok.

The reason why I'd rather not have you in the same category is that you're a hottie who I'd really like to get closer to, whereas my Mum is..... well, she's my Mum!''

Carrie sat there with her mouth hanging open. She had no idea what to say to that and had never even considered Sue in that way. Truth be told she hadn't really considered anyone in that way for the longest time, her unfortunate army experience and the following humiliation at the hands of her fellow soldiers had been enough to seriously dampen her ardour. Other than a few brief encounters to 'scratch an itch' so to speak, romance hadn't crossed her mind since returning from Afghanistan.

'It's ok, I wasn't fishing for compliments' stated Sue, obviously a bit disgruntled at the slightly horrified expression on Carrie's face.

'No, it's not ok. I'm sorry Sue, you took me by surprise and to be honest -- well, it's been a while.'

'Yeah I know, your friend Ali mentioned that you weren't seeing anyone and that you hadn't been in a relationship for a while.'

'Great! Nice to know that my friends have been talking about me behind my back!' The hurt of the way she was treated in the army came flooding back; the way some of her mostly-male colleagues had made her life hell; the gossip; the names.

'Jeez Carrie, chill out woman! Ali didn't volunteer any information, I asked her a couple of questions and she answered them, it really wasn't big deal! At least I know now where I stand with you, I won't be making that mistake again.'

'This was a bad idea.' And with that Carrie grabbed her jacket and strode away from the table. She was furious but she wasn't sure why. It wasn't as though Ali would deliberately gossip about her behind her back and Sue was nice enough, so why was she so damned angry?

She knew the answer deep down but didn't want to acknowledge it consciously so she went home and did what she always did -- she stood under a shower that was so hot it hurt, trying to wash the hurt and the shame away.

Later she would get very, very drunk.

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Sue walked into The Flag and scanned the crowd until she found who she was looking for. Ali was sat at the bar chatting to the barman, looking up and smiling as Sue approached.

'Hiya, how are things?'

'I'm ok but I thought I should warn you that I seem to have upset Carrie.' And she proceeded to tell Ali about their confrontation at lunchtime. 'She seemed really pissed off that we'd talked about her; I'm sorry if I've dropped you in it but I thought I should warn you.'

Ali was silent for a time, thinking about Carrie and the way she'd reacted. She also started to analyse Carrie's change in personality and refusal to enter into the dating scene again since her return from Afghanistan.

'Listen Sue, I don't know the details but I think something happened to Carrie when she was stationed overseas. I think kid gloves may be needed with her right now, I think she's fragile somehow.'

'She told me about how they'd discovered her relationship with another woman and that it caused her to leave the army.'

'No Sue, we all know about that. It's something else, something deeper, something worse. Don't worry about getting me in trouble with Carrie, we're old friends and we have history and we won't fall out over this, but watch yourself with her, I don't want to see her hurting.'

'I don't want to hurt her, I really like her but for some reason she seems to hate me and I don't know why. Should I keep trying or just walk away?'

'I don't have the answers, just watch your step that's all I'm saying -- otherwise one of you could wind up getting hurt.'

Sue left the bar and walked out into the cooling evening, wondering what her next move should be. She questioned her motives regarding Carrie. Why did she feel so drawn to her? Was she really that attracted to her or was it because she was the best connection to her lost brother? Maybe she should work things out in her own head before she pursued Carrie any further.

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Carrie woke up with the mother of all hangovers. Her head felt like there was a pneumatic drill inside and the bright morning light felt like it was piercing her brain like a laser. She managed to haul herself into the bathroom and sit on the toilet but as she got up she felt dizzy and stumbled against the sink, just managing to get her head over the basin before vomiting.

She stared at herself in the mirror, noticing the dead look in her red rimmed eyes, the sallow complexion and the lank blonde hair that hung limply about her face. Thoughts of how she'd stormed out on Sue came back into her mind and she groaned, knowing she had to apologise, but not now. She went back to bed.

The phone woke her again and she was surprised to see that it was dark outside. She ignored the ringing and headed into the kitchen, chugging orange juice straight out of the carton in an effort to slake an all consuming thirst.

She noticed the bottle of Dalwhinnie Single Malt sitting on the work surface, now three quarters empty, and groaned inwardly. She had to stop destroying herself like this; maybe this time she really would get some counselling?

After cleaning herself up and getting dressed she remembered about the phone and hit the message button, Ali's bright and cheery voice filling the room.

'Hey babe, how are you? Just to remind you that it's Jenny's hen night tomorrow and you need to be there by 8pm. call me.'

Glancing at the clock she noticed it was after midnight so she changed her sweat soaked sheets, got undressed again and went back to bed.

The next time she surfaced into consciousness she was startled awake by a dream about a time when her and Jonno had gone out drinking together and had ended up passing out in the same bed. In real life she remembered waking the next morning, confused to find him snoring next to her, then relieved as she realised they were both still fully clothed.

In the dream though she had reached out and caressed the side of his face, leant in and kissed him deeply, passionately, had felt her body respond to the hands that were caressing her gently, finally pulling back to look into a face that didn't belong to Jonno at all but to his sister Sue. Eye's so like his but softer and filled with the kindness and passion that only a lover can show.

By the time she woke up fully she was fiercely turned on and her exploring hand found her aching sex wet and wanting, her nipples hard and proud. It wasn't long before her fingers were pounding into her as she pulled on her nipples, her climax coming fast and leaving her panting.

She lay there confused and anxious before mentally berating herself to get a grip. She got up and got on with her life, spending time visiting garden centres and planting the young seedlings into her small garden. She did laundry, cooked meals for the freezer and generally spent a homely day keeping herself busy........ and yet, the dream haunted her; would never quite leave her alone, tormented her with thoughts of how it would be to have a partner, a significant other, someone to whom she belonged and they to her.

She arrived at Ali's a little after 8pm that evening. She didn't really want to go but had nothing better to do so she'd wrapped her present, pulled on a pair of jeans that were tight enough to stop traffic and her favourite Stranglers t-shirt and headed out of the door.

'Hey, I was worried you weren't going to turn up!' Smiled Ali as she hugged Carrie fiercely and dragged her straight into the kitchen before saying anything else 'I have to warn you that Jenny has invited Sue. I would have warned you earlier but I only just found out myself.'

This wasn't entirely true -- she had known that Sue had been invited since early that morning but she was worried about the hermit lifestyle that Carrie seemed to adopting and didn't want to give her the chance to back out. She also didn't want to stop Sue from coming as she felt that maybe Sue was someone who could drag Carrie kicking and screaming back into the real world given time.

'Have you two been talking about me again?' scowled Carrie. She didn't want another confrontation and was about ready to turn on her heal and flee.

Ali grabbed her by the shoulders and forced her down into a chair at the kitchen table, sitting opposite her and holding her hands.

'Now you listen to me ok? Sue's nice. I know how private you've become but we haven't been gossiping about you ok? She likes you for god's sake and would like to be your friend if nothing else; she asked for my advice that's all. Carrie I don't know where you go to in your head these days but I'm getting the impression it's not a nice place. We're all here to help you babe if you need us. You don't have to tell me the details but don't run away from us either alright?'

Carrie was stunned. She had known that her behaviour had changed since she'd come home from the army but she thought she hid it well, had no idea that her friends had picked up on it. She looked at Ali and saw the concern on her friend's face.

'I'm sorry Ali. I can't talk about it but you're right, I have some issues that I'm dealing with right now. I know I snapped at Sue and I need to apologise to her. Thanks for caring Hon.' and she hugged Ali tightly as she fought back the tears that threatened to engulf her.

Just as they joined the others in the living room one of their friends returned from the front door with Sue in tow.

Carrie and her both stood there at opposite ends of the room, staring at each other, neither of them knowing what to say. Finally Carrie managed a half smile and nodded her head slightly; it wasn't much but it was enough to allow Sue to be comfortable in the same room as her and she sat down on the sofa and accepted a glass of wine.

The evening was fun but Carrie found it hard to relax and enjoy herself properly. There was plenty of chatter and laughter as Jenny was opening presents, especially when it turned out that both Carrie and Sue had each bought her a vibrator.

There were several times during the evening when Carrie found her eyes drawn toward Sue and it wasn't uncommon for her to glance covertly in her direction to find Sue looking back at her, both of them looking away quickly as if they'd been caught doing something naughty.