Fourth Position

After enough bones return to my body to keep me upright, we make the short walk back to her place. I feel so lightheaded and floaty I can barely balance on the stool so she lets me eat on the couch, picking at her own food whilst watching me with a soft look in her eyes that I've not seen before.

Bath time is the same as before, and my mind is quiet as I rest my head back on her shoulder whilst she holds me close and presses gentle kisses against my neck. I'm so exhausted I don't spend half as much time as I should admiring her glorious body once it's time to get out. Only once we're in bed, my face pressed into her neck as she plays with my hair, does my brain engage enough to form a slightly coherent sentence.

"Why the bath? You have a beautiful shower that's big enough to fit our entire class plus the instructor...."

She wriggles down next to me so our faces are level, but keeps playing with my hair and brushing it away from my cheek. She almost looks vulnerable for a moment.

"You don't like me taking care of you? Because it seems like you do."

"No, no, I do... I just don't want you to feel like you have to? Or we could take it in turns?"

"Is this really still about getting to touch me? You touch me all the time. We're touching now."

Her tone is exasperated but her eyes are still soft. I grab her hand against my cheek, stilling her fingers and lacing them with my own.

"You know that's not what I meant. I just want to show you how much I appreciate everything that you do for me."

"But you do, beautiful. You show me with your trust, and obedience, and your big, adoring doe eyes. I'm going to side-step the gaps in your knowledge about how this works just for tonight, because I like the idea of a thank you for every orgasm I give you. How about we practise now?"

She rolls us both over so she's straddling me, strong thighs pressing me into the mattress. Daring to dream, my eager hands find her hips but I've barely slipped my fingers beneath the lace hem of her underwear before my hands are pinned above my head.

"Naughty! Did I give permission for you to touch? We need to work on those boundaries Mia. Now keep those up there."

Her hands and mouth are all over me, but so is the creeping, cold wave of rejection that I've been holding at bay. The rush of emotion consumes me, and I give a frustrated sob, and try to struggle out of her grip.

"No, stop, please."

"Your body says otherwise, little one. I didn't hear a safe word."

"Emboite, please..."

She immediately gives me space, so I roll over and bury my face in a pillow, not knowing how to verbalise the rush of emotions I feel. After a couple of minutes the gentle hand on my back is replaced by strong arms around my waist and her warm, lithe body moulding to mine. I relax into her and let the tears come, until they're spent and I'm ready to sleep.

"We need to talk about this, but not now. Rest."

Her words are whispered against the back of my neck, and I mumble my agreement as I drift off.

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When I wake, Natasha is still sound asleep beside me, still annoyingly perfect even now. I close the gap between us again, snuggling into her and burying my face in her neck again. She always smells so good that I'm starting to think it's all her, and even the most expensive perfumes would pale in comparison. I revel in her warmth, the emotion of the night before all but forgotten and my mind in the hazy, sweet spot between wakefulness and sleep.

She starts to stir and I wait for the moment where she gently untangles me from her, teasing me about how needy I am. Instead, her arms tighten around me, and she throws a leg over my hip to hold me even closer. I can feel her heart suddenly hammering against her chest and the room feels about 10 degrees warmer,

When her mouth finds mine her kisses are hungry, slow, and almost... needy? She's kissed me before but she always felt in control. My body catches up to my brain and I respond in kind, moaning when her tongue finds its way into my mouth and feeling her smile against my lips in response.

The real surprise comes when my hands develop a mind of their own and grab her hips to pull her closer. A quiet groan escapes her lips,that I feel more than hear, and she presses herself into me even more.

Emboldened, I gently slip my fingers under the hem of her sleep shirt, stroking my way up and down her back gently, in awe of how toned and strong her back feels. Her whole body shivers in response and when she pulls away slightly, I'm afraid I've pushed my luck too far. Instead, she fumbles for a second with the clasp of my bra before unsnapping it and dragging it impatiently from my shoulders. I shift my weight so it's easier for her to slip my panties down from my hips, and it almost feels like a cruel trick when my hands have to leave her back so I can push them the rest of the way down my legs.

So when she pulls her shirt over her head, with no hesitation or reverence for how important the moment is to me, I almost lose my mind completely. Then her shorts are gone and she pulls me closer, arms snaking around my neck and her kisses slower now, but no less hungry. Another moan bubbles up in my throat because there's nothing between us anymore, and nothing I ever could have dreamed up would've come close to how amazing and intimate it feels having nothing between us.

Our skin burns with shared desire, our limbs tangled and our hands frantic. I almost sob in delight when my fingertips brush the smooth skin of her ass and she bites my lip in response. I grab harder, digging my nails in gently, and I'm rewarded with a frustrated growl and the warmth between her legs as she grinds herself against my thigh. After a second, as my brain catches up with my body, I forget how to breathe when I feel how wet she is against my bare skin. I press closer, my mouth desperately hungry for her, feeling her breathing become more ragged as she grinds herself harder against me.

Skilled fingers work their way inside me and a thumb brushes feverishly against my aching clit. Natasha hums against my mouth, revelling in the effect she has on my body. But between the slippery warmth coating my thighs, and the way her hips buck, she's clearly as affected as I am. As she pushes me closer to the edge, my nails rake the curve of my ass and the growl that escapes her lips makes me dizzy.

I can feel her whole body almost vibrating with tension as she quickens the pace of her hips and fingers, and I'm beyond caring about anything except the feel of her inside me, and her beautiful mouth biting, kissing and sucking my lips. The idea that I can reduce such beautiful, composed perfection to a mess of desire is too much.

"Natasha, please.. I need to..."

"It's ok, baby,. Mia.. come for me."

Her breathless response is almost more of a plea than a command, and when I dig my nails into her perfect ass, sobbing and moaning my appreciation as I let go, she can't hold on any longer. Her body stiffens, the liquid heat on my thighs spreading as she moans quietly into my mouth before collapsing on top of me and pressing sweet kisses wherever she can reach.

We hold each other close for what feels like hours, kissing, nuzzling and stroking, until my stomach growls and she scolds me for not telling her sooner that I was hungry. I'm too shy to tell her that I hadn't even noticed because she left me feeling so full.

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After that blissful morning she's her usual attentive self, spending the next couple of days checking up on me via text and call.

So, early on a Wednesday, when my flatmate taps on my bedroom door and tells me that some redhead with an accent is here to see me, I dare to dream for a second that she's about to confess her feelings for me and is ready to take the next step. But this isn't our routine, and even before she's entered my bedroom I can feel the uncertainty starting to creep through my body. I flip the light on as she enters my room with her usual grace, but lacking the usual intensity. She doesn't need to say anything, in my heart I already know, but my body wants to go to her anyway.

"Mia, please, stay there. I don't want to make this any harder."

I press my lips together and look away. Harder for who? Me or her?

"I owe you an apology. Please look at me, I need to know you're taking in what I'm saying."

I don't budge. I can't, because I'm scared I'll fall apart. Her sigh of disappointment almost makes me waver, but I hold myself together somehow.

"I should've never done this. I was selfish. I thought I could control myself, but I can't."

I can't help but respond to that.

"So don't! I don't want you to. I want you to-"

She cuts me off with a sharp intake of air, visibly frustrated.

"But I can't Mia. I can't give you what you want. I tried to kid myself. I tried to pretend, after all those months of longing, that I could just keep it casual. And it was selfish. I knew how bad you wanted me, and what you wanted, and I lied to myself that what I could offer would be enough-"

She pauses, inhaling sharply, and I can't look at her again because I can't bear to see her so vulnerable.

"But I am not ready, and with every boundary you pushed, that I let you break down, it proved that it was never going to be enough."

She steadies her breathing. I dig my nails into my palms, forcing the emotion back.

"Something happened before, and I made a promise to myself that I would never let someone get close enough to hurt me like that again. And then you sneaked your way into my heart."

Her tone is affectionate now, and that is somehow so much worse. My nails dig deeper into my palms as my eyes burn.

"I can't see you anymore. I won't be in class again. I just need you to know that this isn't because of you. I didn't want to disappear without explaining. Plus, I have something for you."

I can't open my eyes now, can't do anything except hold my body in one place, waiting for her to leave so I can fall apart. She sighs softly, resigned.

"I'll leave it on the dresser. It's a phone number, for a friend of mine. I'm afraid that my poor introduction into BDSM has left you more vulnerable that you were before. If you're interested in exploring it further then please speak to him first."

I have to bite my tongue to focus the hurt that fills me. Why would I want to explore this with anyone but her? She's silent for a minute, and I know she's willing me to look at her, but I can't... I just can't. Another sigh, then soft footsteps. This is it.

"Mia, you are special. You've brought me such joy. And that's why you deserve so much more than I can give you right now. I won't ask for your forgiveness, but I hope you can try to understand."

The room feels like it's dropped ten degrees as the door closes behind her, but I still wait until I hear the slam of the front door before I allow myself to fall apart.