Friday

"Then they began to bring in Bill and Todd. At first I was afraid of them even touching me, because I remembered how awful anything to do with sex had always been with everyone but you. I almost stopped coming to Girls' Night Out then, but Chrissy talked me back into it. The last couple of weeks, Bill and Todd would touch me sometimes while they had sex with Chrissy and Anna. They were gentle, and it felt good, and watching them have sex was hotter than I ever would have imagined. I started to lose my fears.

"Then came that Friday night. The idea was that you would be excited by our strip show, and we could show you that swapping could be good for us, and that it didn't have to hurt anyone. Chrissy convinced me to tie you to your chair, because otherwise you would walk out before we had a chance to show you anything. As you know, she was right. We knew you would never let yourself be tied unless Bill and Todd were too, so we faked cuffing them to their chairs. Once things really started, you were supposed to be included in everything: that's why I insisted that the others get undressed before I did, and that you be the first one to come. I knew something was wrong when Chrissy couldn't get you off, but I was committed, and had to go through with the rest of it.

"Bill and Todd didn't give me a chance to think about it long enough to be afraid of having sex with them. Then once they got started, the sex was all I could think about. I loved it, Jason, I couldn't help it: my body is made to enjoy sex."

I growled deep in my throat, which was probably better than saying what I was thinking, but not by much. Lena looked scared, but persevered.

"You're the one who taught me that. If you hadn't been so patient and gentle and kind with me, I never would have known. Please don't blame me. The way it was planned, you were supposed to enjoy it just as much as I did, and I truly thought you would. You know, both Chrissy and Anna wanted to have sex with you that night? That's why I made them agree that I would have you first. Then when I saw Chrissy was going to leave you tied to the chair, I thought about stopping it somehow, or at least unlocking you, but then the guys were on me and that was about it."

Lena stopped to gather her thoughts. "I've had a lot of time to think about this. I should have stopped the Girls' Night Out when we started having sex, even though you were enjoying the things I learned. I definitely should have told you what was planned for that Friday night before we left our house, and if I couldn't get you to agree to it, we should have stayed home. I knew you wouldn't like watching me strip and give Todd a blow job, even a half one. I thought if you could just remember that I love you, you could make it through that part and enjoy what was supposed to come after. Then we'd go home together and talk about what a great night out we'd had. I was wrong, terribly wrong.

"I know that I love you now just as much as I did on our wedding day. More, because now I've had a taste of life without you, and I hate it. I never wanted to hurt you; if I'd known it would come to this," she glanced briefly at my wrists, and shuddered again, "I would never have done any of it. I know you love me, Jason. You've proved it to me over and over again, and the pain I see in your face tells me you still do." She choked up and I could see tears in her eyes.

She was right. I wasn't tied to a chair and I wasn't bleeding, but I was in just as much emotional pain as I had been on that Friday. I guess that meant I still cared. A lot.

"Jason, this was a terrible mistake: the worst I've ever made. I know you'll never forget it. Neither will I. I know it's my fault, but I truly didn't mean for it to turn out like it did. Is there... could there be... any way we can get past this? Is there anything I can do to help you?"

Lena and I had once been the two happiest people in the world, I had been sure of it. Now I thought we might be the two unhappiest. We certainly weren't a very good advertisement for Romano's. The silence stretched between us, and I watched the hope drain from Lena's face.

"May I ask you a question?" Lena's voice was shy and tentative. I could see the self-confidence we'd built together seeping away from her along with her hope for our reconciliation. It was heart breaking, but I had to be honest with her: I saw no way forward for us together, and it would be too cruel a punishment to give her false hope.

"The day you left, why did you turn your back on me? When I was crying and trying to explain, you didn't say a word, you just turned your back. Why did you do that? I could understand your leaving for a while, you needed your space. I couldn't understand your turning your back, and it hurt me terribly. Even when we had that awful fight, I've never turned my back on you."

"Yes you did, Lena. While I sat in that chair you cuffed me to, weeping for the loss of my love and marriage, you stripped naked for someone else, you looked at me and saw my tears, then you turned your back on me without a word or a backward glance."

Lena stared at me. The color drained from her face. She made a strangled little sound like nothing I'd ever heard, then her eyes rolled back in her head and she began to topple sideways off her chair. I managed to scoot around the table and catch her, and lower her gently to the floor. The waiter was there to help immediately. Lena's pulse was weak but very fast; her breathing shallow and rapid. The waiter dialed 911 as I knelt beside her.

The EMTs arrived. They thought she probably just fainted, but took her to the ER just in case. They hooked her up to monitors and an IV, and began putting something into her, I have no idea what. The doctor looked her over, said "Hmmm" a lot, and told me a bunch of stuff. If I'd been able to understand any of it through my emotional turmoil, I might remember it, but I didn't.

The nurse who checked up on us periodically was more helpful. She said there was nothing to worry about, that Lena would come around in a while, but she would be weak and shouldn't be troubled. "Don't talk about distressing things," she said.

"What if she brings them up?" I asked.

"Just don't." She gave me a stern look and was off to another patient. My mind wandered. How had she known there were distressing things to be talked about? Did other couples go through this sort of thing? How many of them ended up in the ER?

I watched Lena. Her face was drawn and pale, but peaceful; her pulse and breathing had improved, but weren't back to normal. I looked at the serenely beautiful face I loved; then I saw it in the throes of passion as she encouraged Bill and Todd to have their way with her. Back and forth I went, as if my mind were controlled by some diabolically manic movie director. I took Lena's hand: her left one, lying outside the covers, with the rings I had put on it. Fortunately, I had no memories of her ring hand from Fatal Friday; I became calmer.

I must have dozed off; I came to when I felt the slightest pressure in the hand I held. Lena was awake. Before she could start to worry, I reassured her.

"You fainted, Lena. You're in the ER, and they're taking care of you. They want to make sure you're okay before they send you home. Just relax and they'll be in to check you over." Her eyes closed and she relaxed.

I had been overoptimistic. Forty-five minutes later the doctor still had not returned.

"Jason?" Lena had awakened again, and was looking serious. I tried to, what's the word, redirect her?

"Lena, the nurse said I'm not supposed to talk about distressing things with you, and the look she gave me said she meant it."

"I won't tell her if you don't. I just want you to answer one question, then I'll be good and talk about the weather." That the code we had always used when we had to postpone talking about something.

"Jason, do you hate me?" She could barely force the question out through her lips.

"No, Lena, I don't and I never will. Make no mistake, I hate what you did, but I'll never hate you."

The ghost of a smile crossed Lena's face before she relaxed into sleep.

It was fully dark by the time the hospital folks decided Lena could get along without them for a while. Then I had to take a cab back to Romano's, pick up Lena's car, take Lena home, tuck her into bed, take another cab back to Romano's, pick up my car, and head to my apartment.

It felt so strange to be tucking Lena into bed in our home and leaving her there. She didn't try to talk, which I was glad of. I had been right; I would never have been able to hear her story in our home. She only said, in that shy, tentative voice from years ago, "Thank you for staying with me. I'm glad we had so much time together. I'm just sorry I missed most of it." There was that ghost of a smile again. I just nodded; I didn't trust my voice, and I also didn't know what to say.

"I love you, Jason."

I finally got back to my apartment, emotionally wrung out, exhausted, and completely unable to go to sleep. Counting sheep has never worked for me, so I tried to put together what I knew about Topic Number 1. I was pretty confident that the basic facts as related by both Anna and Lena were true. They could have colluded, but I didn't think so. Anna's "Dangerous Liaisons" theory seemed more unlikely the more I thought about it. Chrissy and Bill, and Todd and Anna, were pussy hounds, Lena was beautiful, they went after her, and down she went.

If I believed Lena's story, did I also have to believe what she said about her feelings? Probably so, because it lined up with her actions.

Did that mean there was a chance for us to get back together? No. None of this did anything about my memories, or about the cruelty of her betrayal. If anything, her story gave me yet another problem: what would happen the next time someone, man or woman, decided they wanted her? She had loved the sex, I had seen that much. How much resistance would her next would-be seducer find? She had enjoyed two men at once; would any one man, especially me, ever be enough for her again? Could she ever answer those questions conclusively enough for me? Could I live with her if she didn't? No, and no. Our marriage was dead. Nothing could resurrect it.

Still, I loved Lena. After sitting by her for hours in the ER, I couldn't deny it. I guessed that I would probably have feelings for her until the end of my days. I hoped they would fade enough for me to move on and build another relationship. I had plenty of time and life to start over, and the fact that I'd been able to win a girl like Lena gave me confidence that I wouldn't have to spend the rest of my days alone. At least, that's what I told myself as I finally fell asleep.

I buried myself in my work on Monday. It wasn't until I got to my apartment that I noticed there were no texts or phone messages from Lena. I couldn't help it, I was worried about her, so I called. The listlessness in her "Hello?" didn't sound good.

"Lena, I called to see - well, if you were okay after yesterday." There was a moment of silence.

"Oh? Oh, that. Yes, I'm okay from that. I'm fine." She wasn't fine. Two weeks before, I would have soothed and gently prodded until I knew what was wrong. Now, I didn't know what questions to ask, or even if I should ask any. This business of loving the person who killed your marriage is awkward, I was finding.

"Jason, I've done a lot of thinking today. I called in sick to work so I could take some time and figure some things out." She took a deep breath.

"I know we're probably finished, and that it's my fault. It's my fault we didn't finish our talk yesterday, too, though I didn't do it on purpose." Poor girl, it wasn't as if I thought she practiced fainting at restaurants so she'd be able to do it on cue.

She began again, with more resolution. "There are some things I need to say, and I think it might help you to hear them. Help you to understand, I mean, so you can move on. Could you please come over here one night this week?"

She rushed on before I could answer. "I know you don't want to come here, and I know it will be hard, but it's the only way I'll have the nerve to tell you. I really don't want to faint on you again, and I'm afraid I will. I promise it's the last thing I'll ask of you, ever."

Yes, I wimped out. What else could I do? If I said no, it would be like denying a ten-year-old's dying wish. That "last thing I'll ask of you" was odd, too. I said I would meet her at 7:30 Wednesday night.

I met Anna on Tuesday night at her foofy coffee place; she wanted to talk some more about rescuing Lena from Chrissy and Bill. She had wanted to meet earlier, and was unhappy that I had put her off. She didn't want any more harm to come to Lena, she said, and since she and Chrissy still worked at the same place, who knew what could be happening. Anna, on the other hand, would start her new job next Monday, and couldn't wait.

I got tired of listening to Anna ramble on about the terrible things in the movie - she didn't even ask what I thought of it, she just assumed I agreed with her, and asked her what sort of plan she had in mind.

"I'm not sure how we would work it, but if we could scare her off the path Chrissy has her on, we could save her." I looked dubiously at Anna.

"I was thinking of having her look at someone else who's farther down the path, see what she's headed toward, and that would give her the strength to break off from Chrissy."

"Who?"

"Well," she actually blushed a little, "the only person I can think of is me."

"But she thinks you're fine. She thinks this stuff is working for you and Todd, and that you're her friend."

"True, but Lena doesn't know I only became her friend because Chrissy told me to, and because I wanted her. She has to find out that before I saw what I was becoming, if Chrissy had told me to betray her in the worst way possible, I'd do it - like she betrayed you. Of course I've changed now and I wouldn't do that any more, but she needs to think I would."

"Just how would we work that?"

"I'm not sure. I haven't thought that all the way through. I'll need your help, because you know Lena better than I do and you know what will get through to her. We need to think about this, but we need to do it quickly. There's another Girls' Night Out on Friday. Promise me you'll help?" The light touch of her right hand on my arm underlined the sincere, pleading look in her face. The little voice in my head that I should have listened to a week and a half ago was warning me to be careful.

"That depends. I don't want her to suffer." That was true enough to satisfy my conscience, and ambiguous enough to satisfy the little voice. She smiled, her hand still on my arm.

"I knew I could count on you."

We said our good byes and left. It wasn't until Anna turned to go that I noticed she still wore an engagement ring on her left hand.

I decided to put aside Anna's schemes, and my growing doubts about her, until I'd heard what Lena had to say. Wednesday night, I was prompt to the minute. Lena looked drawn and pale as she let me in.

"Are you sure you're okay? Should we do this another time? You don't look well."

"Thanks, Jason. I'm not okay, but if I don't do this now, I don't know if I'll ever get up the nerve to do it." She sat stiffly on the edge of a dining chair. If she was this ill at ease in her own home, no wonder she didn't want to have this talk elsewhere. I wondered what could be so serious: after all, I already knew everything she'd done.

"Lena, can I ask you something before we start?" She nodded. I think she was relieved to put off what she had to say.

"Did you go to Chrissy's last Friday?"

"NO!" It came out as if shot from a gun. "No, I never want to see that place again as long as I live. Never. How can you even think that, Jason? I still have get along with her and Anna at work, but I wouldn't take so much as a ride home from either one of them. Why do you ask?"

"Wait a minute, you still work with Anna?"

"Yes, of course. What's this about?"

"Nothing really. I guess I'm still trying to figure out how we ended up here, and some things just aren't adding up." The last part was true, for sure.

"I guess that's what I've been doing, too. It's not much fun, is it?"

I met her eyes. "No, Lena, it's not." We each sat for a moment with our own thoughts.

Lena sighed and began. "You have to understand, Jason, that even before I got home that Friday night, I knew I'd made a mistake. A bad one, one that hurt you very much, but just a mistake. I didn't think it would... would really... be the end of us." She was struggling to get the words out.

"Then on that Sunday, you turned your back on me and moved out. I knew how much you loved me. How could I not? I knew I was through with Chrissy and Anna and Girls' Night Out, and I would never do anything remotely like that ever again. I knew I would do anything to help you get past this. So why weren't you willing to at least try? I was devastated; somehow turning your back on me seemed to hurt me more than even your leaving. I think it's because you're the first and only man who's ever truly listened to me. Over the years, I've clung to that more than I think you know.

"Then you wanted to meet me. I hoped it would be the beginning of our getting back together, but even if it wasn't, you deserved to know everything. So I told you. I saw how upset and hurt it made you, and I began to lose hope. I had to ask about turning your back; then you reminded me that I'd done it to you, and far worse. Finally, I began to grasp the depth of what I did to you. It was too much for me.

"I guess like most people, I've always thought I was a good person, someone who at least wouldn't be cruel. Now I've had to face the fact that I was cruel beyond belief to the man who loves me, and whom I love, more than anything. I didn't set out to hurt you. I told you that before, and it's true, but I see now that without intending to, I broke your heart, brutally and cruelly." She began to weep piteously as she continued.

"I devastated the man I love, Jason. I can't fix it, I can't make it better. I don't even know why I did it. I wish I'd never awoken from fainting. I have thought dozens of times over the last two days about killing myself. Then I thought I couldn't do it before telling you that now I know what I did, and I am completely ashamed and sorry and repentant, and will be until I die. I had to give you that release. That, I have done tonight." Lena saw the horror grow on my face as I listened.

"Don't worry, I won't kill myself. It's the coward's way out, and somehow, I can't explain just how, it would be another betrayal of all that you've invested in me.

"I know now we're finished. There is no way you could come back to me after this, and there's no way I would have the nerve to even ask you. Don't misunderstand me, I'd do anything, even kill, to get you back if I thought that would work, but I know it wouldn't. That's why I said tonight would be the last thing I'd ever ask of you.

"There's one last thing I need you to know. I still love you, and I think I always will. I won't promise, though, that I'll never have another man. In a weird sort of way, it almost seems like that would be wasting all that you've taught me about myself, and about love. I do promise that any man I have a relationship with will know how your love changed me into the woman he knows, and will honor and respect you for it. If he can't, I will have nothing to do with him. That will be my tribute to our marriage." She sat in silence for a moment, offering me a chance to speak. As if I could think of anything to say, after that!

"Thank you for coming, Jason. Thank you for listening. Thank you for the years of loving me, and encouraging me, and bringing out the best in me. Thank you for..." She buried her face in her hands and wept briefly. When she raised her face to look at me, it was shiny and wet with her tears. My own were salt in my mouth.