Giving It Up to My Bully

This is more of a psychological exploration of my sexual behavior and compulsions than erotica. There is a lot of background before I get to the sex, so if you're looking for something with more action, this is not it. On the other hand, I think there's something erotic about going deep into a person's motivation and sexual hang-ups, too. Thanks to pennylin for inspiring me to write about my own experiences. Also, there is a cuckolding aspect to this story, so if that's not for you, then you've been forewarned, so don't read it!

There is nothing more common than a story of a woman giving in to a bad boy, or getting involved in an abusive relationship. So in many ways, my story is not that unusual. But to paraphrase Tolstoy, all happy relationships may be the same, but difficult situations have many different explanations.

For the most part, my serious relationships have been with more respectful men, the kind who would describe themselves as feminists, and wouldn't dream of doing anything abusive to their partner. But every now and then, I become entangled with men who aren't just alpha males but real motherfuckers who will mess me up physically or psychologically. Even those of us who pretend to be above animalistic desire will give in to men we shouldn't, given the right circumstances.

What got me thinking about my behavior was reading some stories of other people's experiences that so closely mirrored my own experiences. They really made me see my relationships in a totally new light. I had always seen these encounters with these men as sexual exploration and sometimes victimization-terrible mistakes that I had made. I hadn't realized the extent to which I was drawn to them, or realized that the I didn't just derive sexual pleasure out of these experiences despite the abuse but from the abuse as well.

This story is about a relationship I had with a work colleague in my first job after college, and it wasn't the first or the last of its kind, but it kind of stands out in its intensity and abusiveness. Sean and I were both junior reporters at the same newspaper. We started at the same time, and were assigned to the same desk (newspaper speak for department), and had cubicles next to each other. It was the first job out of college for both of us. We were polar opposites-he was loud and obnoxious, and I suppose you would say that I am more quiet and deferential.

I was put off by Sean when I first met him. He was very self-impressed and thought of himself as quite the player. He was the kind of guy who bragged about the success he had with women. He would talk about how good he was in bed, and imply that he had a very large penis. He had one of those big athletic bodies you get from spending a lot of time in the gym, and the confident air that is attractive to a lot of women, both things that really appeal to me sexually. But if you had asked me if I found him desirable, I would have said denied it. My denial about my physical attraction to him tells you a lot about how I wrestled with my sexuality when I was younger.

Sean was constantly saying inappropriate things of a sexual nature at work. Not just to male colleagues, but to women as well. He was just a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen. I know a lot of the things he said were meant to be jokes, but I felt that they often crossed the line and were disturbing to me. But no one seemed to complain about it, and most people seemed charmed by him.

At some point, he started to target some of his lewd comments towards me. I am not the kind of person who is well-equipped to deal with situations like these. I'm not the kind of woman who gets a beer with the guys after work and can dish it out as well as the men. When someone says something lewd to me, I'm sure I just seem like a deer caught in the headlights.

Sean began by making remarks about my body, mostly about how small and thin I was. He would compliment me on various parts of my body. I once wore leggings to work, and he kept telling me all day about how it was like he could see what I looked like naked, and he liked what he saw. I probably shouldn't have worn them to the office ever again, but I think I wore them more after that. I think the female psyche is sometimes difficult for even us to understand. I just tried to take his comments in stride, and say "Thanks!" when he complimented me, no matter how inappropriately.

But pretty early on, he started asking probing questions about my sex life. At that time, I was living with my boyfriend, Chris, who I had started going out with the year before in my senior year in college. By the way, Chris was Asian, like me. Most of Sean's questions and comments were harmless, and meant to be humorous, but there was also an edge to them. For example, an innocent greeting like, "How was your weekend?" might be answered with: "Great, how was yours? You get any this weekend for a change?"

He was good at saying things about you that would get under your skin. Comments that were both complimentary and critical, like: "You look nice in those jeans, but if you weren't so anorexic you might fill them out better." At twenty-one, I still looked a little like a teenager, and as a skinny Asian, I barely had any breasts. So Sean would say things like, "You're really have no tits, but it's a good thing I like flat-chested women." Or "You're so small, I'm curious how sex with you would work." One of the things he said to me often was: "I'm just wondering, is everything about you small?" I just never had a good comeback for any of his comments, and I think it just caused him to want to keep pushing the boundaries with me.

Most people found Sean to be funny and charming, and I did, too, most of the time, but then he would say something so outrageous that it would kind of knock me back a few steps. Like the time he asked me to open my mouth wide. I did, just for kicks, and he studied it for a second, then said, "Okay, it might just fit." I really didn't know what to say. I just laughed and punched him playfully on the shoulder. Sean would also constantly say insulting things about my boyfriend, like "Chris is a nice guy but he's a bit of a pussy, wouldn't you say?" Or: "Tell me the truth, Chris doesn't always get the job done in bed, does he?" I'm not sure why, but these comments always bothered me more than the comments about my body.

But I think Sean's personal comments about me and my body also hit home. Bullies like Sean recognize a person's weaknesses and exploit them. I think I had deep-seated insecurities based on my race and small size that were easy targets for him to hit. Despite society's stereotype of Asian women being desirable and hypersexual, in reality I think that a lot of Asian women probably felt like I did when I was young, that I didn't measure up to the White girls who had curves and seemed more feminine. By contrast, when I was in high school, my body resembled that of a middle school boy. I know that I felt that I couldn't possibly be woman enough for guys like Sean.

Sometimes the harassment would be more than just verbal. A few times we would be on assignment together, and he usually drove, but once he said, why don't you drive, "so I can look at you and not have to pay attention to the road." While I was driving, he pulled my skirt up so that more of my thighs were exposed. I tried to slap his hand away, but I was driving, so I wasn't very effective at it. Every time I pulled my skirt back down, he pulled it up a little higher. And he wasn't shy about touching my leg in the process. Each time he seemed to rub my thighs more, and eventually he was practically massaging me and getting his fingers close to my private parts. Finally, I just left it pulled up, hiked up to where you could almost see my panties. That incident seemed to cross a line, showing not only how far Sean was willing to go but how much I was willing to let him.

The next time we were going to be driving together, I remembered what happened before and was chagrined that I was wearing a dress. I made sure we would go in his car, but then he got in the passenger's seat and tossed me the keys. Then I thought I was being clever, and pulled the hem of my dress as far up as I could without revealing my underwear.

"Nice," he said. "Your Chinese mama teach you to be so slutty?"

"Ha ha," I said. Like I said, I wasn't good at comebacks. But at least I thought, situation dealt with.

But a few minutes later, as I was pulling out of the parking space, he pulled my dress up to my waist, revealing my panties and everything

"Shit, Sean," I yelled, as I pulled my dress down. "What are you doing?"

"Oh, come on," he said."Now I've already seen them, you might as well leave your dress up."

I pulled my dress up so that he could see my underwear. I don't know why I did that.

"Much better," he said. "God, that's a nice view."

I think I knew Sean was going to do what he wanted anyway, so I might as well do it myself. I never thought of reporting him to HR. I don't even think I thought of it as harassment, even though it clearly was. I think that my approach was always to try to get along and fit in as best as I could.

The bullying wasn't all sexual. He made comments that showed he was smarter than me, that he was more well-liked, that he was hip and I was square, that he was White and I was Asian. When I mentioned that another co-worker was unfriendly towards me, Sean said that it was because I came across as an uptight Chinese bitch.

Especially when we were alone, the conversation would turn more sexual. There are more examples than I can go into here, but the topics included speculations about my possible frigidity, Asian massage parlors as fronts for prostitution, White men with an Asian fetish, Asian women with a White fetish, and my preference for oral or anal sex.

Still, I thought I had no intentions of ever sleeping with Sean, and I'm sure if someone ever proposed that idea to me, I would have thought it preposterous. But then the preposterous thing suddenly happened one day after work, about a year after I started working at the paper. Up to that time, I had never formed the conscious thought in my mind that I wanted to sleep with Sean.

There was a going away party at the office for a long-time copy editor who was moving to another city. There was champagne and cake. I was eating a piece of cake when Sean came up to me.

"I'd like to be that piece of cake," he said. This was typical of the comments he would make.

"Hmm," I replied. "Are you clean enough to eat?"

"No," Sean said. "I'm dirty as hell, but would you eat me anyway?"

I looked him in the eye, and said, "Maybe." I really don't know why I said that, except it seemed like the cool thing to say.

Sean raised his eyebrows. "I'm a little surprised to hear you say that, Kristen."

"I'm surprised myself," I said, and I could feel my whole body go into a state of arousal. I don't know that I wanted him, but it was more that suddenly I wanted him to have me. That's the tricky part of my sexuality, that I didn't necessarily lust after someone, but that my arousal came from wanting someone to take me, to give myself to him.

"I've always put you in the category of women who I would have little chance with," he said.

"How many categories are there?"

"Three-definitely, probably and probably not."

"So when I said 'maybe', did that move me up into the 'probably' category?"

"No, I think it moved you into the 'definitely' group," he said.

"But maybe means probably," I mused. "Not definitely."

"It's like when a parent stops saying no, and says maybe," Sean explained. By this time, my heart was pounding. I'd experienced this before in college, when I would be talking to some guy I didn't even know at a party, and then, out of nowhere, I would be seized by this desire to have him fuck me.

"Have I been saying no all this time?" I laughed. I have this overly girlish giggle that sometimes slips out when I'm nervous. "I didn't know you were asking."

He said, "Okay, I'll ask you now, you wanna get out of here?"

I looked at him, then nodded, yes-I was going to say "I thought you'd never ask," but the words got stuck in my throat because by then my heart seemed to be racing-and he led me to his car. This weird mix of emotions hits me at these times, a blend of excitement, desire, and fear. In these moments, I can even feel tears building up from all the emotions.

Once we got in the car, he leaned over and kissed me, and kissed me hard. He pawed me through my clothes. It got hot and heavy enough that I thought he might fuck me right there in the car, and I was ready to let him. If he had wanted to take me right there, where anyone walking by could see us, I would have let him do it. Instead, he drove me to his apartment, and he practically tore my clothes off as soon as we got in the door.

Sean had pulled off my coat and top, so I was naked on top except for my bra, with my jeans still on. He pushed me down to my knees by the front door, and unzipped his pants. He pulled out a cock that kind of explained his cockiness, if you know what I mean. I mean, I've seen big cocks before, but his might have been the biggest, or at least a close second. The largest I'd seen before Sean's was when I was eighteen, and it literally wouldn't fit inside me.

I wasn't quite sure how to go about sucking something that large. Holding it in both hands, I said, "My god, you weren't exaggerating."

"I can't wait to put it inside you," he said. "Oh shit, I'm gonna have fun doing some nasty things to your body."

I wrapped my lips around the head of his cock, and stroked the shaft with my hands. Sean tried pushing it in further into my mouth but my gag reflex prevented me from taking it much deeper, and I used one arm to keep my distance as Sean tried to pull my head closer.

"Take off your pants," he said. "I want you to be completely naked when you suck my dick."

I obediently took off my jeans and panties, and went back to sucking his cock with just my bra on. As I did, he undid my bra so I was completely naked. I stroked his cock with my hands as I sucked, amazed by how thick and hard it was. I was already having some regret about having come over, and making him come with my mouth to avoid having intercourse with Sean crossed my mind. But then he pulled his shirt off, and his chiseled body had the predictable effect of raising the level of my arousal, and no matter what my brain was saying, my body wanted that body. His cock seemed to quiver and pulse, and I thought he was going to come, but he pulled out of my mouth and led me into his bedroom.

I was thinking, last chance to turn back, but once we were in his bedroom, Sean kind of lifted me and threw me onto his bed. Sean had been an offensive lineman in college, and he was big, beefy and very muscular. I had never been manhandled like that, as if I were a rag doll. It was unnecessarily rough and disrespectful. But I had no time to react because he was on top of me in an instant, and was quickly pushing himself inside me. As it started to go inside, it made me grunt with discomfort. I didn't even think about the fact that he didn't have a condom on.

I gasped as I felt the bulbous head of his cock in my pussy and said, "Oh my god, that's a big cock!" Even though I'd seen it up close, I didn't realize how it would feel to have the big thing invade my pussy. Its girth was more the issue than the length at first. Even though I was very wet and ready, it didn't seem to be able to fit beyond the tip.

Sean reached down and tried to spread my pussy wider with both hands, in an attempt to get his cock in deeper. It hurt and I could feel my labia being stretched abnormally and yelled, "Oh fuck stop, that's as wide as it gets!" I thought he was going to split my vagina with his hands.

Eventually, his cock was inside me, but that first time, I don't think he initially got it completely inside me. "Oh fuck, you've got a small pussy," Sean said. "You're even tight for an Asian babe."

He slowly eased his big dick out of my pussy, then slammed it back in with as much force as he could, stretching my pussy to its limit. The effect of someone as big as Sean colliding into me was jarring. It nearly knocked the wind out of me. When he pulled out again, I braced myself, pushing as hard as I could with my hands against his chest. But he must have weighed at least 250 pounds to my 90 pounds, and I couldn't help but take the full brunt of his crashing into me.

"I see Kristen's orgasm face," he said, tauntingly. But I wasn't coming, I was in shock. He could have easily made me come if he cared at all about it, but he didn't. I could tell he was slamming into me as hard as he could, either to hurt me or to show how rough he could be. All he was interested in was physically dominating me so I would feel small and powerless compared to him, I think.

With his cock being so big, it felt like he was turning me inside out. I felt like my poor pussy was not only being stretched out as he pushed in, but that as he pulled out that he was pulling my insides out with his cock. I think I was just about to come when he pulled out of me.

He then unexpectedly stuffed his dick back in my mouth as I lay on my back, straddled my head, and said, "Can you taste yourself on me?" I couldn't move because he had my shoulders pinned with his legs, and I had trouble breathing with the cock back in my mouth because I had been breathing so hard. Again, there was no need for his sitting on my chest and choking me with his dick. He just did it because he could. I felt a little panicked like I might actually be strangled by someone's dick, but fortunately, after a couple of thrusts, he exploded in my mouth, and I remember that there was a lot of cum. I must have swallowed most of it, but I don't quite remember. But even after he came, his cock remained as hard as a rock, and pleased with himself, he pushed his cock back into my pussy, saying "You like that, you little bitch, feel that hard cock?" As he fucked me, he said, "Oh yeah, you know you love it, come on my cock," he said, but he stopped before I could come.

Afterwards, I was a wreck. I felt like I had been in a car crash. I had what was probably a combination of my saliva and his cum on my face, I could still feel my heart beating, and my body felt like it had been put through the wringer. I felt like my body was still buzzing with stimulation. I also felt relief to have survived sex with Sean, and even felt a sense of accomplishment.

A short time later, his cock again was as hard as a rock, and he spread my legs and climbed on top of me. I wasn't as overheated this time, and I noticed how wide he was when I tried to wrap my legs around him as he pounded me. I had this thought that he could crush or suffocate me with his size. You don't realize how big someone is until they're lying on top of you. He was easily twice my size. In some ways, it was like making love to a monster.

"I always knew you were an Asian whore," he said.

"Oh god, please use me," I pleaded like a little girl. "I want you to."

He stopped to position my legs so that they were up against my chest, then he went back to banging me as hard as he could. It was a good thing that I'm pretty flexible because when he slammed into me, it would make my legs splay out to the side of my body. He was holding onto both my wrists in one hand above my head, and squeezing so tightly that it hurt.

"You can't take something this big, can you?" he said as he put it back in."You've got a junior size pussy, like a girls' extra small." "I can take it," I shot back. "Give it to me hard. I want it." In reality, I felt like he might break me. Every now and then he would go so deep that it would make me cry out, sometimes in pleasure but mostly in pain.