Goes Like an Otter

"Nicki, you and I will be getting a divorce, but it will be on my terms and I am filing on the grounds of adultery."

Nicki was becoming outraged. "That's a total crock! How can you file for adultery if you have had sex with another woman yourself?"

He laughed at her. "What's that got to do with it? You want to counter with a cross petition for adultery, you go for it. See if I care!"

She changed tack, still feeling somewhat bewildered by this turn of events. Her lover was a liar and her husband had been fucking her lover's wife. What the hell had just happened?

Suddenly, curiosity of a morbid type came over her and she just had to ask the question, the one question that perhaps she shouldn't have asked: "What is she like in bed, Mike?"

He looked her in the eye and smiled, but it held no humour or warmth. His eyes looked hard, unrelenting. "Well, she's great. In fact, she goes like an otter!" he said, nodding for emphasis.

For some reason his remark made her shudder. "Oh, God! What a horrible thing to say about her! What does 'goes like an otter' even mean?"

Mike continued to stare at her before he said in a sibilant, but loud voice, "It's because she is always hairy and wet for me!"

She gave a tiny shriek and left the flat, apartment, hovel, yurt, or whatever, in a rage. She tried to slam the door, but it was a modern safety door that, if you tried to slam it, merely made a farting noise.

He heard the sound of the lift as she made her way down to the underground car park.

He shook his head and laughed: "Oh, poor Nicki! With one fart, she was gone!"

He took his mobile phone from his pocket and used speed dial for the number of his lover: "Hi! Yes, happened just now, as the detectives told us that it probably would. Didn't go as they'd planned, though! I think I upset her, but I'll tell you more about that, later. Are you coming over here, or shall I come to your place? Oh, Okay, I'll get the kettle on. Am I right in thinking your boys are with your parents for the next few days?

"Tomorrow we need to get the locks changed on your house and on my flat. And to get our solicitor to sort our finances out. Yeah, I had the divorce papers delivered by the solicitors by First Class post to her secret love nest, which is where I think she is heading now. Should be a pleasant surprise for her! Well, a surprise at any rate!

"Loverboy will be meeting her this evening, after his fake business trip to Doncaster? Oh, maybe I should have told her that her soulmate has another bit on the side in Yorkshire? Oh, well, never mind!"

He said his goodbyes, put the phone back in his pocket and walked through into the kitchen to put on the kettle.

He walked back into the living room and suddenly realised that for the first time in months his anger had been replaced, at least in part, by an extreme feeling of sadness as the loss of the woman who had been his life for twelve years, hit him. It all suddenly seemed very real to him.

His time with Sally would help him, he knew, but even so, the situation would still hurt.

As he heard the electric kettle click off, he realised that he still had enough time to put fresh sheets on the bed for his lover, so that's what he did.

As he did so, he shook his head and grinned: "'Goes like an otter?' Where the hell did that come from?" he thought.