Grumpy Humphrey's Easy Wife

The Principal and Superintendent went on their way, extensively praising the sporting talents of the school's awful student body. The fuming Humphrey erased the fake questions that were the latest prank played upon him, probably by the same punks who vandalized his front yard in the night. He didn't know whether to be angrier about the prank or the Superintendent and Principal thinking this was all just a joke, not interested in finding and punishing those responsible because they were good at sports.

*

At lunchtime Humphrey Grim sat alone in the teachers' lounge smoking cigarettes, other teachers doing the same, and the atmosphere of the staffroom soon resembled a smog. The grouchy Mr. Grim pondered what his disloyal harlot of a wife was up to at the office where she worked in the city, probably flirting with the male lawyers regardless of whether they were married or not, knowing Lorraine.

Last period was the one Humphrey hated most, the one where he was expected to teach economics to his nemesis, the Class of 1961. Tommy, Bobby, Donny, Judy and Sue-Ellen were all there, and the other students had clearly heard about the Halloween prank at the Grim house overnight. Laughing, sniggering and whispering was more prevalent than usual, and caused greater level of disruptions.

The three jocks lounged back surrounded by other members of the football team, Tommy, Bobby and Donny smiling at Mr. Grim, laughing under the breaths, their expressions clearly reading, 'You'll never be able to prove what we did.' Judy and Sue-Ellen likewise had the same smart-ass expressions on their faces, the two slut-bags whispering to their likewise cheap and easy friends about the success of their shenanigans with Grumpy Humphrey's front yard during the night.

The class was halfway through when Judy and Sue-Ellen approached the front of the class, saying that they needed the lavatory passes to visit the girls' room. Humphrey grudgingly handed out the passes, remembering the incident two weeks earlier with these very same young women that caused the changes to the school's bathroom policy for girls.

Judy and Sue-Ellen had asked for the bathroom passes that day, and Humphrey had refused knowing that the two probably wanted to smoke rather than use the toilets. To that, the two girls had excused themselves from the classroom, telling Humphrey Grim and the rest of the class that they had the curse, and that nobody had the right to deny them a visit to the bathroom at any time, much less when it was their time of the month.

Humphrey had given both girls detention when they returned over five minutes later but they fought back, lodging a complaint with the deputy female principal about the situation, both girls' mothers on the phone and on the warpath backing up their daughters saying that the girls should not be denied a visit to the bathroom when they were on their periods. After a conference the policy on female students using the bathroom during class was changed, and from now on any girl who asked for a lavatory pass would be issued with it immediately and without question, in case they had their monthlies.

This time however, Judy and Sue-Ellen returned in less than two minutes. "Hey Mr. Grim, the girls' bathroom across the hall is out of toilet paper," said Judy.

"Yeah, not a single piece of toilet paper in any of the stalls," said Sue-Ellen.

"And what am I supposed to do about it girls?" Humphrey blustered.

"You don't have any spare toilet paper at all?" Judy asked, a smirk like a Cheshire cat on her face. "I'm sure you have spare toilet paper if you looked."

"Yeah, we thought you had toilet paper, lots and lots of toilet paper that grows on trees in your garden," said Sue-Ellen, she and the class all laughing.

"Quiet!" snapped Humphrey Grim, determined not to rise to the bait. He turned to the two girls. "This is not my problem girls, go and see the janitor, or the female deputy principal, the school nurse or use another girls' bathroom, do not interrupt my class further with this nonsense."

"We'll go and ask at the office for some more toilet paper, but it will take longer so we'll miss more of your class, but if that's the way you want it, I guess that's how it is," said Judy, her dark eyes staring her teacher directly in the eye, irritating him all the more.

"Maybe we should just use some of the pages of our economics text book as our toilet paper, for all the use it is," said Sue-Ellen, she and Judy laughing as they left the room.

"Silence!" thundered Humphrey at the rest of his shambolic class, slamming a large ruler onto the front desk as the students continued to laugh.

The laughing did die down, but Tommy, the ringleader of these awful kids, could not stop smirking.

Humphrey stormed up to him. "Something amusing you Mr. Gardner?"

Tommy's answer was the usual smartass response he would have expected from the teenager. "Well Mr. Grim, if I had seen that scene at the front of the class on TV, in a movie or in a play, I would be laughing."

"You aren't watching television, at the drive-in, the cinema or a theatre at the moment Mr. Gardner, so I suggest you wipe that smile off your face and concentrate on the lesson unless you want to find yourself in detention."

Tommy put the back of his hand to his mouth and wiped his smirk away. Humphrey thought about giving Tommy a detention for this insolence but decided that he did not want him in detention after class, so let it go.

Sue-Ellen and Judy returned about ten minutes later. With the girls' bathroom right across the hallway Humphrey was able to hear them flush the toilets and the taps running as they washed their hands before they re-entered the classroom. If the girls were correct that these toilets were out of paper they must have gone and gotten some more and re-stocked the ladies. Or the bathrooms had toilet paper all along and Sue-Ellen and Judy had made this up to cause a disruption. Then again, perhaps the girls had not used the toilets at all but rather spent their bathroom break smoking cigarettes after disrupting the class and had flushed the cigarette butts down the toilet. Humphrey did not know, nor did he care.

Finally the class came to an end, but for Humphrey Grim, the school day was not over. He now had to supervise detention for two hours. With a face like a thunderstorm, Humphrey made his way to the large classroom where the students who were placed on detention would be waiting for him.

*

While Humphrey was stepping into the zoo that was detention hall, Tommy, Bobby, Donny, Judy and Sue-Ellen were making their way to Tommy's car, the five teenagers piling in and Tommy reversing out and driving out of the car park.

"Hey, let's go and see how much shit Grumpy Humphrey has cleaned out of his garden," Tommy suggested.

The other teenagers laughed and agreed, and the tall blonde jock drove to the house where their most disliked teacher lived, the radio blaring all the way. Arriving at their destination, the teenagers continued to listen to their favorite songs courtesy of Sue-Ellen's transistor radio.

"Grumpy Humphrey's gonna have some nice roses this year with all this shit everywhere," laughed Judy.

"Imagine how late Grumpy Humphrey is going to be up tonight getting this toilet paper out of the trees," observed Bobby.

The five teenagers were so absorbed in gloating and laughing about the result of their Halloween prank that they failed to notice somebody else had come up behind them, until they heard a female voice say, "Can you believe what happened to Humphrey Grim's garden?"

They turned around to see a slim and stunningly attractive blonde probably aged about 30, dressed in a pretty floral swing-style dress, a jacket under one arm, her purse slung over her shoulder. The unknown blonde woman joined them in surveying the remainder of their prank.

"Yeah, he wasn't very happy about it this morning," said Donny.

"He's never happy anyway, that's why he's called Grumpy Humphrey at our school," said Sue-Ellen.

"Or Grouchy Grim, but that name's not used as much," said Bobby.

"Mr. Grim was pretty grumpy when he found out what had happened to his garden last night," agreed the blonde woman.

"Yeah, he never saw that one coming," said Tommy. "It was even better than Halloween last year when there was a balloon filled with hydrogen tied to his car."

"Do you know Grumpy Humphrey?" Judy asked the blonde.

The blonde woman nodded. "Oh yes, I know Grumpy Humphrey. I know Grumpy Humphrey pretty well."

"Lucky you, he's such a grouch," said Tommy. He and the other guys and the two girls all laughed, sounding like a pack of hyenas.

"He's my husband," said the blonde, the laughing stopping immediately as the quintet of teens felt the awkwardness of having made a major faux pas. They also fell into silence from shock. All of the students knew Mr. Grim was married - he wore a wedding band on his left finger and they had heard him mention his wife to another teacher - but they had always imagined the unseen Mrs. Grim to be a woman of the same age as her husband and probably overweight, gray-haired, frumpy, unattractive and unpleasant. How could this beautiful blonde woman be married to Grumpy Humphrey, she looked young enough to be his daughter? And if they were married, why was Humphrey such a miserable old sourpuss all the time when he came home to this stunning blonde with Hollywood movie-star good looks, even better looking than Marilyn Monroe or Jayne Mansfield?

Tommy managed to speak first. "You're Mr. Grim's wife?"

Lorraine held out her hand to the tall blonde jock. "That's right, I'm Lorraine Grim, and yes I'm Humphrey Grim's wife. And you are?"

"I'm Tommy," Tommy responded, shaking Lorraine's hand.

"Tommy, one of my brothers is called Tommy so that's nice and easy for me to remember," said Lorraine. She turned to the others. "And you are?"

"I'm Bobby," said the red-haired young man, as he also shook hands with Lorraine, struck dumb by how beautiful Mrs. Grim was.

"Donny." The handsome young Italian-American man was finding it hard not to look at Lorraine's breasts that filled out the front of her pretty floral dress.

"I'm Judy." The pretty Italian-American girl shook hands with the older woman.

"Sue-Ellen." The attractive red-haired teenager in her football jacket and skirt was the last to shake hands with Lorraine.

"Nice to meet you all," said Lorraine. She then pointed at the horse manure that was still in the front yard, and the toilet paper that was still hanging from the trees. "Not so nice what you did to our garden last night though."

Tommy tried to lie his way out of the situation. "It wasn't us, some of the kids in school were saying that there was a Halloween prank played on Mr. Grim last night, and we just came to see it for ourselves ..."

"Hey Tommy, can you guess what year I was born?" Lorraine asked.

Tommy shook his head. "I don't know."

"I was born in 1928," said Lorraine. "And that sure wasn't yesterday. I know that you were responsible for what went on here last night." She pointed at the house. "I've got a pitcher of lemonade in the refrigerator. How about we all go inside and have a drink? I want to talk to you about this."

Tommy, Bobby, Donny and the two girls looked at each other, then at Lorraine, then decided that maybe they should go inside with her. If they didn't Mrs. Grim might call the school and speak to the Principal, and they also got to satisfy their curiosity about seeing inside the house where the grouchiest schoolteacher in America - and probably not just North America but South America too - lived.

Sue-Ellen put her transistor radio back in Tommy's car, Lorraine led the way into the house, and they all sat at the kitchen table while Lorraine opened the refrigerator. The teenagers were stunned however when Mrs. Grim took out not lemonade like she had said earlier but six beers. They were even more stunned when she handed five beers to each of them, and began to drink the sixth one herself as she sat at the table.

"Um Mrs. Grim, this is beer," said Sue-Ellen uncertainly.

"Yes, it is beer Sue-Ellen, you drink it," said Lorraine, taking a swig of her own beer. "Oh, and call me Lorraine. Mrs. Grim is my mother-in-law."

"But we're ..." began Bobby, before Lorraine cut him off.

"Eighteen?" Lorraine laughed. "Would any of you step into a church, take a bible in your hand and swear on your mothers' lives that you had never drank a drop of alcohol, and won't drink any until you turn 21?"

Silence from the teenagers. "There you go, enjoy drinking Humphrey's beers and stop being squares, I won't tell anyone if you don't," said Lorraine.

"This is your husband's beer?" Tommy asked.

"Yes, the last of it," said Lorraine.

"What if he comes home tonight and wants a beer?" Donny asked.

Lorraine was matter-of-fact. "Then Humphrey doesn't get any beer and either goes thirsty or has water."

The thought of Grumpy Humphrey coming home to find his beer all gone amused Judy, who sniggered as she was taking a drink and spluttered beer everywhere.

"Something funny, Judy?" Lorraine asked.

"Yeah, kind of amusing," said Judy.

"You seem to think that lots of things are funny," said Lorraine. "Like tormenting my husband at school and out of it like Halloween pranks with the garden last night? And Humphrey the Homosexual? Good drawing skills yes, but what if the police had seen it and started asking questions?" She looked at the teenagers, all of whom were smirking. "You seem to think it's all very amusing. Why do you enjoy getting my husband so angry?"

"We, um, just don't like the way he teaches his classes, Mrs. Grim, I mean Lorraine," said Tommy.

"You find him boring or too strict?" Lorraine asked.

"Yeah, we do a bit," said Judy.

"He just writes notes on the blackboard and expects us to copy them down, sets us mountains of homework and if you ask for help with something you don't understand he just gets mad," said Sue-Ellen.

"You'd prefer a younger, cooler teacher then?" asked Lorraine.

"Yeah," said Tommy.

"Well I've got bad news from you, Humphrey isn't going to change his ways," said Lorraine. "Do you know when he was born?"

The teenagers shook their heads.

"He was born in 1912," said Lorraine. "The exact same day that the Titanic sank, would you believe?"

The five teenagers looked amazed. "Really?" Donny asked.

"Really," Lorraine assured them. "Obviously 1912 was a long, long time ago and Humphrey was born into a very different world. Humphrey is very old-fashioned, very old school and he isn't going to change now. You just need to accept it. Times always change. Just say any of you became school teachers and were Humphrey's age and trying to teach teenagers in 1990 and 1991. Those teenagers would think you were old-fashioned and square the same way you think of Humphrey. So try not to bother my husband any more at school or out of it, please."

"Yeah, we'll try," said Tommy, heavy emphasis on the word 'try'.

"I mean it," said Lorraine. "If not for my husband's sake, do it for my sake. You kids annoy my husband all day, and I have to come home from a busy day at work and have to put up with a husband who is grouchier than a grizzly bear with a toothache. It gives me a diarrhea problem, to put it mildly."

The teenagers seemed to find this amusing, but Lorraine didn't laugh. "This morning before work I was the one cleaning up the rotten eggs that were thrown at the house, which I didn't appreciate one bit. And sometimes my husband is so stressed by what happens at school that it affects his driving. A few Sundays ago we were driving across the Golden Gate Bridge and Humphrey was so worried about what was going to happen at school the next day that he nearly drifted into a barrier. I really don't want to finish my days at the bottom of San Francisco Bay drowned in my husband's Ford Edsel."

"I just wish he wasn't so grumpy in class," said Bobby.

"Is it any wonder he's grumpy when he has to deal with you all day?" challenged Lorraine. "You're all 18, you all need to grow up and stop playing stupid pranks and annoying your teacher who is just trying to do his job. There's lots of other more grown up things that young people your age should be doing."

"Yeah, such as?" Tommy suggested.

"Oh, like studying human biology," said Lorraine.

Again confused looks from the teenagers. "None of us take human biology," said Sue-Ellen.

"You do now," said Lorraine. "You're having a special lesson of human biology upstairs right now, with me as your teacher." She drained the last of her beer and stood up, turning to leave the kitchen. "Well come on then, what's wrong with you?" she challenged as none of the teenagers moved, but continued to sit at the kitchen table with stunned expressions.

None of them of course knew what was happening in Lorraine's brain and between her legs. They didn't know of the pretty and promiscuous blonde's enormous sex drive and that she had spent this whole time sizing them up, thinking about how much she wanted to have sex with three such handsome young jocks. And while Lorraine had no lesbian tendencies at all, the thought of watching two pretty 18-year-old girls like Judy and Sue-Ellen having sex with good looking young men was an appealing one. Inside Lorraine's white cotton full brief panties, her clitoris was tingling and her vagina getting plenty wet.

"Um, Lorraine, we're not sure what's happening here," said Bobby.

"It's all very simple Bobby," said Lorraine. "We're going to go upstairs to the bedroom - to the bed that Humphrey and I share - and have sex. I see two very good looking girls and three very good looking guys in front of me, and good looking people like us should be having sex, not playing stupid pranks. Humphrey doesn't believe in giving rewards for good behavior - he says people especially teenagers should just do as they are told all the time - but I think giving rewards is a good way to do things. You don't like my husband, that's clear. So if you don't like him, how about getting even in a more mature way - having sex with his wife and with each other on his marital bed?"

Still, the students looked shocked. "We don't know about this," said Judy.

Lorraine laughed her mocking laugh. "What are you Judy, a prude? Shy? I had you picked for the type of girl you are from the moment I saw, and the same goes for your little friend there. How? Because I'm that sort of girl too. It takes one to know one, as they say." Lorraine indicated Sue-Ellen. "Anyway, like I said earlier, can any of you swear on a bible in church that you are virgins and don't believe in sex before marriage?"

Tommy, Bobby, Donny, Judy and Sue-Ellen looked at each other. None were virgins, they had all done it before, often at lover's lane. But doing it with their teacher's wife, in his bedroom, together? Lorraine again laughed at their uncertainty. "Come on, we need to get this done before my husband gets home."

Tommy, Bobby and Donny looked at the two girls, Judy looking so good in her tight blue jeans, Sue-Ellen just as great in her blue jacket and blue skirt. They then looked at Lorraine Grim as she led them upstairs, she was absolutely stunning in her white floral dress. The three jocks felt the desire running through their bodies to their groins, the young men feeling themselves starting to get hard.

Judy and Sue-Ellen, two young 'ladies' who like Lorraine had high sex drives but very low levels of morality looked at their three handsome male friends and thought about how they would like the guys to insert their penises into their definitely non-virginal vaginas, and how they would like to do very unladylike things to the guys with their hands and their mouths. And Sue-Ellen and Judy both had experience at these things before. Between their legs, the saddles of Judy and Sue-Ellen's panties were getting wet and sticky.