Grumpy Old Ladies

"Well," he said, rolling his eyes a little at something off camera. He knew what she was doing, but he also couldn't help himself. "We're gonna be getting rid of a lot of MassFlow's management. People at my level. Keeping the service contracts and the lines and the operators and technicians, but consolidating the hierarchy. We're gonna be firing their boss and installing me, an outsider."

He knew she was stalling, he had to, and she wanted to keep him on his toes, so she jumped right over that shark. "How was your Halloween? Did you and Dierdre do anything fun?"

"Why are you antagonizing her, mom?"

"Oh come on," she said, "You know she—"

Henry waved his hands sharply, and she stopped to let him talk.

"It doesn't matter why. I don't even know why I asked. I know she pushes your buttons. She always did."

"Thank you!" she said, emphatically.

"I don't know why she pushes your buttons so hard, but she does."

"You've never seen that bitch eat crackers." Donna leaned forward, smiling devilishly. "Did someone already tell you what I did?"

Henry smiled, and then quickly wiped the smile off of his face as he reacted very minutely to something off camera. She suspected it was his twin sister, Christina, but it could have been Dierdre; Henry's fiancée had always been partial to Magda. "Yes. How did you guess her Wi-Fi password?"

Donna gave him a smug little smirk. "I have my ways."

"I can't believe you kept turning on her porch light, and she didn't figure it out."

This time, she cackled. "I went out into the yard with my iPad, all bundled up, and set up under the McPherson's oak back in the corner of the yard. Every time she went stomping through the house, she'd turn on the kitchen light so I'd see her going, and I'd quick switch the porch light off again before she got there!"

"That's devious," he said. Then he raised his eyebrows, stared behind the camera, and said, "What. It is."

"Hi Deirdre," Donna said, making an intuitive leap.

"Hi Donna," Deirdre replied, wearily, from off screen.

"How did you know how to do that?"

She licked her lips. "About a year ago, they were bugging her at an Homeowners meeting because she hadn't contributed anything in years. You know, we all bring some ideas to the table, I had the bake sale and the little candle thing at Christmas a couple years ago."

"I remember," Henry said, nodding.

"Anyway, they bugged her and bugged her and bugged her, and eventually she said that, you know, she'd been putting in a bunch of little doodads around the house that automated her lights, and her heating, and her AC, and the little... that stupid... Roomba! God. Can you imagine? Run a vacuum once in a while."

"Mom," he said, giving her a look.

"Anyway," she continued, "She wanted us all to automate our outside lights so that they all turned on, up and down the street, within a couple seconds of each other. Blink!" She made a chopping motion with her hand to emphasize. "Magda thought that would look cool. She demonstrated how it worked, brought her little tablet thing and showed us, and I remembered the name of the app she used. I figured out her Wi-Fi password a while ago, but I sat on it until I figured out something to do with it. Making her get up and give out some candy on Halloween for the first time since Lennox moved away seemed like a pretty good use."

Henry snickered and shook his head. "How did you know she had any candy?"

Donna panicked, briefly, before saying, "Oh, she always used to have a bunch of candy tucked away. You think I didn't know you kids would sneak over there in the afternoon and steal it? Nothing changes." That was true, technically, but she really knew that Magda had candy in the house because she'd seen it the last time she'd used her back door key to trespass and... snoop.

Henry made waving motions off camera. "Mom, you're too old to be pulling stupid stunts like this. I mean, I love it, but what are you doing? Like, what's the end goal here?"

"She—"

"I don't wanna hear who started it," he said, raising his voice slightly and giving her a wide eyed stare. The fact that his lips were curled into a faint smile said he was pretty much coming to her with a gun to his own head, and she respected that. Henry had always been on her side. "Just... end it! Okay? You two are stuck with each other until one of you moves away, and then what are you gonna do?"

"Celebrate," Donna replied. "If she leaves, I win."

Henry laughed and shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration.

"Did you get the gift I sent you?"

Henry nodded and smiled, this time a bit more honestly. "Yeah. We both loved them."

She'd sent him and his twin sister Christina matching framed photographs of them palling around lakeside, on a vacation the family had taken when the twins were seven. The photo was taken of them from behind, as they sprinted down a dock and jumped into the air to cannonball into the water. Donna was not surprised they loved it, and was even less surprised that Henry was so able to explain how his sister felt about it. If they'd said even two words about it, that would have surprised her.

"It's getting harder and harder to buy gifts for you kids," she said. "You've got lives, and jobs, and your own incomes, and you can just... buy yourselves the things you need. I was trying to... I don't know."

"Mom," he said, reassuringly, "we love it!"

His tone of voice set off a whole other set of fears, and she was already upset enough that it just came pouring out of her. "I'm sorry," she said, managing a weak smile. "I didn't mean that to sound like I needed you to prop me up. Your grandmother used to do that. She'd get all self-deprecating as a ploy for attention. I promise, I wasn't—"

"Mom," he said, softly, "are you crying?"

Donna shook her head. "I mean, yeah," she said, dabbing at her cheeks, "my eyes are a little misty, but I've been having a sinus thing for a couple days now, and... You know how it is. It's the cold season."

Henry nodded slowly.

"Anyway," she said, taking one big sniffle and hoping it was enough to settle herself, "the point I was trying to make was that the August to December run of birthdays has always been hard to keep up with. It's a little..." She almost said 'easier'. "... less busy, this year, without your father and without your Uncle Bill. Still, I'll be glad when January comes around again, and I can stop worrying about finding the perfect gift for everyone for a little while. Have you talked to your brother and sisters about Christmas yet? Do you know which weekend will work best for you guys?"

Her youngest made a throaty noise, and smiled tightly. "Mom, we're all doing Christmas this year with our in-laws. We came to your house last year."

"Oh," she said, tapping her fingertips to her forehead. "God. You're right. Ugh. With everything else that's been going on, I just... Damnit."

"Yeah."

"Shit!"

"Whoa," Henry said, laughing. "Mom, that's more cursing in two seconds than I think I've heard from you in the last... well... ever?"

"Oh, fuck off," she said, and gave him a little smirk.

"That's it," he said, throwing up his arms. "My childhood is ruined."

Her children might have relied on Christina to get through to her when they were trying to convince her of something, but none of them could make her laugh like Henry.

"I really hadn't... I really hadn't thought about nobody coming this year," she said, soberly. "Even, you know, two years ago, Ollie and your sister were at home even if no one else was."

"She's married now," Henry said, "and George's parents haven't seen their grandbaby much."

"Well," she said, "At least we'll have Thanksgiving."

Henry cleared his throat. "Uh, Mom, have you talked to Lennox? Or Peter? They're... wanting to do Thanksgiving at Peter's this year, since he's a little closer for everybody."

Donna just blinked.

"You know, a little more in the center of everybody. We all kind of moved north and west, for the most part."

"I just talked to Lennox," she said, not answering anything he'd said directly. "A couple weeks ago. He didn't say anything."

"Oh," Henry said, visibly backpedaling, "I don't think anyone had brought up the idea at that point. This is all kind of... happening quickly."

Donna pressed her lips together and made a sound in her throat.

"Obviously," he said, "you're invited. I just think that, with everything that's going on this year, Peter just thought this would be a good time to, you know, start to transition some family things to his place. That way, you aren't having to do so much cooking and baking for so many."

"I love cooking and baking," she said, defensively. Then, very quietly, in the back of her head, she thought, don't I? "I'm glad I found out before I got much further with the decorations."

"You put up decorations?" Her youngest pinched the bridge of his nose. "Ah, I'm not doing this right. Peter was supposed to call you."

"Yeah, well, Peter has been avoiding my calls," she said.

"That apple didn't fall far from the tree," Henry said, giving her a pointed look. "I tried calling you twice yesterday, and you knew what I wanted to talk about." He gave her a weighing look, and said, "Have you ever thought about taking a cruise? Going to St. Thomas with Grandma?"

"Have you met your Grandma?" Henry laughed, and before he could respond, she said, "No. God, she and I would do nothing but fight. I know she was a good grandmother to you kids, but I always hated visiting her when you were little. She still treats me like I'm twelve."

"That apple didn't fall far from the tree either."

"Har, har," she said, acidly.

"I'm serious, though," he said, persisting. "Get out of that house. See the world. Or, you know, if you don't want to travel, have you thought about getting a dog? Like Magda, but, you know, not a shitty little breed like—" He cut off with a squawk, as Deirdre leaned forward and slugged him in the arm. "Hey!"

"Peanut has a beautiful soul," Deirdre said. "Don't you dare!"

"I'm with Henry on this one," Donna added. "You know I love you, Deirdre, but that dog is awful."

The conversation went on for a bit, drifting to more mundane and less fraught topics, but the part that Donna kept coming back to in her head was the nagging underlying question. It was so fundamental, and such an ingrained part of her being, that she didn't even really know how to begin to approach it.

She tried, though. Little by little, she started to pick it apart.

***

The Millers' Christmas party was as close to a society event as Dayton ever got. It had been hosted annually at the beginning of December for longer than anyone could remember. Somehow it felt like the weather favored the Millers, as it was always on a perfect, crisp winter day. At some occasions, it had even snowed: slowly descending, picture perfect snowflakes slowly drifting through the air.

Donna had always looked forward to the party, spending weeks planning hers and Ollie's attire to project elegant, effortless charm that just happened to be color-coordinated with each other and the season's fashion. Not so this year. This year she dreaded the idea of making her first solo appearance.

Most, if not all, of the partygoers she had met after Ollie's passing either at the funeral or the wake. It would not be a surprise to anyone when she turned up alone, and it was likely her last chance to get to play the widow card again. Maybe she should dress in black? No, that was too gloomy, and she had mourned long enough already.

Donna didn't know why she was so hesitant. She never once thought she wouldn't go; of course she would. As the date got closer, though, she spent a lot of time considering the guest list and how she would meet each of them now that she was on her own. How to engage people. This was a thing she found herself spending more and more time doing in advance, and with such a large guest list there was a lot to think about.

The other thing occupying more and more of Donna's mental time was Magda's... recreation room. Her masturbation habit had stabilized to... not every night but very nearly so, and good as it was, she found herself getting bored with what she could do to herself, alone and unassisted. She couldn't get the sex machine out of her head.

Donna had snuck in a few more times, when she'd been certain Magda was gone, and had nicked a few more of the porn DVDs. Every time she had spent a long while looking wistfully at the machine, wondering how it was operated, and where on earth could one purchase such a thing.

Donna had surfed a few sex shops' websites, but it had made her so uncomfortable, and the selection of choices so overwhelming, that she still didn't own a single sex toy herself. Magda certainly did; Donna had gone through her venerable dick collection more than once, and contemplated on the purpose of some of the other appliances, but the machine was the main focus of her curiosity.

After hours of futzing around in her closet, she finally settled on buying a dress. She'd gone to two boutiques in town and ended up, however unlikely, finding something perfect at the mall, and she was sure some of the other women would recognize it, and its price tag, from the display window. It was dark blue, a color that was suitably solemn and yet not broodingly black, and which made her stunted form seem a tiny bit taller and slimmer. She liked how it flowed on her, and had accessorized it carefully. Her heart ached at thinking how she would have dressed Ollie to fit beside her.

Finding a dress did little to settle her in other ways. She was slowly coming to a boil, and a few days before the event she'd had an idea: she would sneak in when Magda had already left for the party, try the machine, then follow her to the party and nobody would be the wiser.

She had waited for a suitable moment for some time. Often she had almost acted once Magda had left for work, but after nearly being caught on her first break-in she couldn't trust that.

Why leaving for the party felt more reliable than leaving for work, Donna could not say, but it did. The early evening before the Christmas party saw her peeking through the curtains and, once Magda was gone, sneaking into her house. She was grateful there wasn't snow on the ground, as she climbed over the fence at the back corner of their yards and tiptoed over the frozen grass. The ridiculous excuse of a dog was so used to her by now it didn't make a ruckus, even though it did come to greet her enthusiastically when she opened the door.

Donna scurried upstairs, and spent a full minute examining the machine in gleeful anticipation. She tried the controls, and squeaked at how the attached dick stabbed the air energetically. In a few minutes she'd be on the receiving end of that! She was already so worked up by the idea she was breathing harder. She examined the attached dick closely, then carefully detached it. It was beautiful, but it looked much too big for her. She wanted to start with something less intimidating; after all, it had been a long time.

One of the dicks was quite like Ollie's. Donna stroked it evaluatively and suppressed a wave of longing. She found it funny she missed their sexual encounters so much; at the time she had come to think of it almost like a chore, something on her list of household jobs to do regularly, even as it had always been mutually enjoyable. Ollie had always been very insistent on making her come. Donna had sometimes thought it was too much trouble for the payoff. Now that attitude felt distant and incredulous.

She shook away thoughts of Ollie, and of how difficult it would be to find someone like him ever again, and carefully snapped the dick onto the machine. She considered putting on a DVD but was too impatient to choose, and so she just quickly tore away her pants and settled on the bed. She positioned her backside close to the machine, and shivered in excitement as she spread herself open. She moved until the tip of the dildo pressed into her, a feeling that induced a small whimper in her throat. This is going to be amazing, she thought...

...until she realized she couldn't possibly reach the machine. She lay on her back, chest heaving already, and tried to reason through her excitement. There was no remote control or anything she could reach, nothing out on the bedside table. Nothing obvious.

Once upon a time, when confronted with a technical problem, she would have called upon Ollie and let him explain it to her. Over the past months, she had taught herself to figure it out, to work through problems on her own and see how things worked, and soon she set about calming her breathing and doing just that. She sat up a little and craned her head back and forth. Where was the lever she had used to test it just now? Could she reach it with her foot? Maybe...

Donna let out a yelp as the dick suddenly surged inside her. Just as quickly it was gone, and then back again, and she arched her back to it and moaned as it hit some wonderful spot inside her. It briefly occurred to her that she might need some kind of lubrication, but she couldn't focus on it when the pliant silicone penis filled her again and again, and again. Her juices covered the toy quickly, and the air got heavy with her scent and the slick noises her pussy made.

"Oh fuck," she mumbled. The machine was relentless, and just when she thought she needed to shut it off, that this was too much, it dropped the pace to something much slower. She was puzzled at first, then realized it had to be some kind of pre-programmed cycle. The slow penetration felt delicious, and she sighed happily and touched her clit. When the machine accelerated again, she was already quite high, and she was just about to come when the machine slowed again.

"Nooooo," she whined, twitching in frustration. "No don't stop now you stupid thing! I'm almost there!"

Her finger swirled on her clit, quickly ramping up to make up for what the confounded machine had taken away, and as if it had heard her whining and panting, the machine accelerated again after only a few seconds.

"Yess," she hissed and pressed her head hard on the bed. "Just there, just there, just—"

Donna screamed when she came, tumbling over the edge to the agonizing abyss, and her hips jerked with her contractions as the machine continued, faithfully, to plow her. It hit a spot inside her that made her pelvis turn to lava, heightening the sensation to almost intolerable heights, and finally she was so overstimulated she had to crawl backwards, weakly, because she couldn't remember where to turn the machine off.

She lay on the bed, panting, bare assed and upper body fully clothed, and doubted she'd ever be able to get up again. She had come so hard that her legs felt like jello. For an indeterminable time she lay there, dildo still whipping frantically in the air between her legs, and stared at the ceiling in awe. It felt like time had paused, for just a little while, and now was ready to resume again.

With the return of rational thoughts came a heightened sense of urgency; she was going to be late to the party! She had lingered behind to take advantage of this opportunity, but now she was far behind schedule. She hadn't even put on her makeup yet, although that was probably a wise decision seeing how much she had sweated while the machine pushed her to that incredible bliss.