Guilt and Lust

I was pretty sure it was a rhetorical question, but I decided to answer anyway. Mostly because I had a feeling I knew some of the reason, and it wasn't what Kim was going to tell me.

"You." I was more confident than I should have been in my answer considering. Her slight blush confirmed my guess. "I doubt a demon, even one as benevolent as you seem to think the El-Kordai are, would hesitate to feed on someone like me."

"I never said that they are benevolent," she replied, neither confirming or denying my feeling directly. "They feed off of guilt. Mine began feeding off of yours almost from the moment we met. Your succubus could feel it through your bond and pulled away from me and the El-Kordai at first. The succubus was stoking you lust toward Claire and not me. That why you chose Claire instead of me."

"Not really," I disagreed. I didn't need to explain because in the end it wouldn't change anything, but suddenly it was important to me that Kim understand what she meant to me, despite us knowing so little about each other. "Oh, you're right about what Sarina was trying to do, but at the time it wasn't as black and white as you make it sound." I took and chance and placed my hand on hers, which was still resting on my arm before continuing. She didn't pull away.

"There was something special about you that drew me to you. That's why I kissed you. It's also why I chose Claire." Kim was looking at me as I tried to explain. "I didn't know about the El-Kordai. I was just trying to protect you." Her soft brown eyes had a warmth to them I'd never seen in another woman's eyes. I wish I had time to explore it, but I knew that wasn't to be.

"Maybe Sarina had a problem limiting her powers to only one female in the room, but honestly, I don't think so." I paused, shaking my head as I remembered the night before. In some ways it felt like a lifetime ago. "In retrospect, some of it probably had to do with the fact that what I was feeling for you was all me and had nothing to do with the succubus or what her powers did to me. Yet, at the time I didn't realize that was the case."

"You have feelings for me?" Kim asked half in surprise and half in disbelief. She also released my arm and sat back. I missed her hand's warmth as soon as it was gone from my skin. "But we barely know each other."

"True," I agreed easily. "But I saw how you reacted to the regulars at the bar last night. I saw how you took care of Claire after I was done with her. Or are you going to try and tell me that was the El-Kordai?" I didn't bother trying to hide the fact that I knew the answer to my question. Thankfully, Kim didn't deny it.

"On top of all that, you're a beautiful young woman who frankly, has an incredible body." I watched her blush again. "Kim, your someone special. I hope you know that." I paused as I realized that I'd made the shapely brunette uncomfortable, but at least this time it wasn't because she was afraid, at least not yet. I couldn't stop myself from rahcing for her hand once more. She let me take hold of it as I added, "And for what it's worth, I'm not saying this for any other reason than it's the truth."

"Um, thanks." Kim smiled briefly before shifting her eyes toward the apartment door. Sarina's ring and the El-Kordai necklace lay there, blocking the exit. I knew that I couldn't run away from the succubus, but for one short moment I dreamed of doing so with Kim. It was silly, I know. Yet, it was the happiest few seconds I had in a long time.

Kim's expression turned sad and solemn as she pulled free of my hand. "But it doesn't change anything."

"No, it doesn't," I said with a halfhearted sigh as my moment ended. I sat back in my chair and sagged. "We both know how today is going to end." Only, I guess we didn't. Not based on her response.

"Yes, we do," Kim agreed, meeting my eyes once more. "The El-Kordia is going to gorge on your guilt and kill you."

"Or Sarina is going to overwhelm us both with lust and need, and eventually consume your soul." It wasn't so much of a disagreement as a strong belief in the power of the demons tied to our lives. That silenced us both, but not for long.

We didn't have unlimited time before taking back up our demons and there were questions that needed answering. Questions I needed answered. Well, one question anyway. The rest were things I wanted to know, but nothing that truly mattered in the end.

"If the El-Kordai kills me, will that end my curse or will it simply pass on to the next eldest male in my line? In other words, can it break the bond that ties the succubus to my family?"

"I'm sorry, no." There was plenty of feeling behind Kim's words. She truly was sorry for my plight. It was her turn to offer comfort once more. She reached toward me without thought and brushed my cheek with her hand. I leaned into the contact and wished it had lasted longer, but she pulled her hand away as soon as she realized what she was doing. Still, her touch somehow made the news bearable, if only for a few moments.

"Not even the people who told me about the succubus's history know how to do that. If they did then they would have made it happen a long time ago. The knowledge on how to break the bond, if it ever existed, was lost with the death of whatever ancestor forged it with the succubus." She let me sit in silence as her answer sunk in.

"It probably doesn't matter in the end," I finally sighed, thinking about how the succubus was going to use me shortly. "Sarina's been eating more souls than any other of her kind for millennia. She won't be stopped. She can't."

I would fight the succubus as long as I could, but in the end, she would overpower my resistance and take Kim. That would kill me in a way that made true death seem pale in comparison.

"You forget, your demon isn't actually here. Much of the succubus is trapped in the small pocket of its reality in the ring. That limits the power it can bring to bear," Kim argued. "The El-Kordai is truly part of me when I wear the necklace. Unlike the ring, it is a doorway, not a prison."

"Yeah," I smiled, trying to make light of a conversation that was anything but. "I remember the green streaks and yellow highlights." Kim smiled in response, but only briefly.

A sudden image of her popped into my head. It was of what Kim would look like when Sarina was done with her. I'd seen enough young woman afterward to know. I felt my throat constrict as the pancakes I'd eaten began to rise.

I pushed the image out of my head and force swallowed a couple of times to stop myself from being sick. It worked, but didn't stop the wash of regret and yes, guilt that nearly overwhelmed me.

I understood what Kim has said earlier about who was to blame for what happened to the other young women, and in the end, what was going to happen to her too, but I felt what I felt. Somewhere deep down I still blamed myself.

"That's only a small portion of what changes in me when we merge," Kim explained, not aware of my thoughts, but I knew she could feel the guilt and sadness well up inside of me. Just like me with Sarina, the bond to her demon wasn't completely gone simply because I'd pulled off her necklace. "But that's not really the point. I don't think you understand how powerful an El Kordai can become from someone like you. Your guilt is so strong, so pure that the El-Kordai literally craves it."

I had the feeling that her demon would soon learn the meaning of the old saying. 'Be careful what you wish for...you just might get it.'

"And the next time the El-Kordai feeds from you, it won't hesitate in killing you." There was sorrow in the shapely brunette's words, but no doubt. A part of me hoped she was right. Death would be welcome if only it didn't condemn my half-brothers and so many of those around them. A part of me would welcome it in either case. It was the selfish part of me, but so be it. It's not like it would actually happen. Neither Kim or the El-Kordai truly understood Sarina's power.

"The only reason why the El-Kordai wavered the first time was because it understood that despite how powerful your guilt was, it truly wasn't warranted."

"I still think that was more you than it," I smiled despite the topic. "And I understand why the next time you won't fight it. Only is killing me the right answer?" That selfish part of me didn't want to continue, but my conscious insisted I try.

"Sarine told me what would happen if I kill myself before the next host is ready and I believe her. If I die, the succubus will simply fall to one of my half-brothers. She'll use him far worse than she does me, and she'll keep on doing so until the first born of the next generation matures, and by matures, I mean hits puberty. The poor kid will have no change against Sarina."

"No, he won't." It was clear that despite her agreement, the outcome wasn't going to change. I could hear it in her tone. I could see it in her eyes. It wasn't really a surprise by this point. Hope was quickly becoming a luxury I couldn't afford, although truth be told, I wasn't really sure what I was hoping for.

"Then why make him face her?" I rubbed my hand through my hair as I tried to come up with a reason that made sense. "Is it the El-Kordai? Once it was called into our world it is impossible to send it back without it fulfilling its purpose? I know it's here to punish me for the things I've done."

"I said it wasn't benevolent, but that doesn't make it malicious." Kim didn't quite grimace. "And the El-Kordai isn't here for you or your succubus." She paused for a beat and met my eyes. "I am." I waited for her to explain because what else could I do?

"The human in the El-Kordai pairing chooses who to punish, but not without the added benefit of the knowledge the demon brings. Your guilt drew me halfway across the city." She was talking slowly at first, but her words came faster and faster as she continued. "Still, I wasn't prepared for the succubus. I didn't even realize it was involved until it took control over poor Claire, and by that point I knew it was too late." Kim shook her head sadly and added, "I'm to blame for what happened to Claire as much as the succubus."

"Was she a friend?" I asked gently.

"Not really," Kim answered honestly, clearly lost in thought for a few moments. "Claire was more of a coworker. It was her job to distract whoever was around while I dealt with the guilt-ridden target. She was good at it too, but could be a real handful to work with. Still, she didn't deserve what happened to her."

"No one ever does."

"No, they don't," the shapely brunette agreed, focusing on me once more, but continuing to explain what happened. "The sudden realization that there was a succubus involved and the fact that it took control of Claire made me panic. I froze, uncertain of what to do. Claire would have died if I let the El-Kordai take you while she was under your demon's control so I did nothing."

"Not nothing," I argued gently. "You called whoever you called and learned more about me and Sarina so that you knew what you were dealing with." I paused, trying to get her to meet my eyes, but Kim resisted. "And you saved Claire's life. She might never be the same, but she'll survive and most likely recover, eventually. Sarina hadn't eaten enough of her soul to kill her or make her lose her will to live."

"Thanks to you." There was real gratitude in her voice as she finally met my eyes. It was odd to hear and I appreciated it on one level. I couldn't disagree, but by the same token I still felt responsible for what did happen to Claire. Kim obviously could feel my guilt based on her expression. I thought she was going to comment on it again, but she didn't. Instead, Kim explained why she and her El-Kordai were going to kill me. Well, try anyway.

"If this was only about who would do better controlling the succubus, and you could guarantee that you would continue doing so indefinitely then my decision would be different, but you can't make that promise. It's a miracle you've held out as long as you have."

Kim was leaning toward me with her elbows on the table. She didn't reach out to me and I didn't try and touch her because it would only make what was going to happen harder, but both felt the pull to comfort each other. It changed nothing.

"We both know that your control is fraying despite your best efforts. You've fought hard, harder than most thought humanly possible, but even you can only hold off the inevitable for so long." There was compassion in her voice, but no give. Kim had made up her mind and there was nothing I could say that would change it. The selfish part of me felt almost relieved.

"But even if you could, it wouldn't matter." I frowned in confusion and curiosity, waiting for her to explain. "The succubus only told you part of the truth about what happens when you die. Yes, it will take over the next in your line and wreak havoc, and yes it will eventually bond with the eldest of the next generation."

"What it didn't tell you is that if you don't hand the ring off to the next bearer like your father did with you before he died, then your death will weaken it considerably, and that's not even taking into consideration the amount of its power it will use fighting us."

"Neither the El-Kordai nor I can break the bond between the succubus and your family, but we can help weaken it. Your death and what we can drain from it during the fight will gut the demon of a millennium worth of horded souls."

"Okay," I said slowly, trying to absorb what I was being told. "Anything that weakens her sounds good, but if it doesn't change the bond between her and my blood line won't she just eat more souls to replace those my death and your attack take from her? If that's the case then what's the point?"

"That's something else the succubus failed to mention, and the reason why your bond is considered extremely dangerous." Kim was looking at me watching for my reaction. I realized that whatever she said next wasn't going to be good. I was wrong. It wasn't just 'not good'. It was horrific.

"Its plan was never just to use your family to keep it fed on souls. Frankly, it doesn't need many souls to survive. If it's kind did then they would have died off long ago." That made sense based on what she said about their world being soulless and the effort it took for a demon to force its way into our world.

"Your succubus has been hording the souls of only God knows how many women for a reason," Kim said with a finality that struck something deep inside. "Its end game is to use that power to destroy the barrier that separates our worlds."

"Fuck." I said the word with surprisingly calm, but that was only on the outside. Inside, my stomach churned and my head ached at the possibilities.

"No one knows if what it's trying to do is even possible," Kim said into the silence that followed. "Nor how close it is to being powerful enough to attempt it, but it will try one day and if I can stop or delay that then I have to try." She paused, once more refusing to meet my gaze. "I'm sorry."

"I understand," I said, meaning it. Kim reasoning made sense. That didn't stop her from continuing to try and explain.

"Even if the succubus doesn't succeed," the shapely brunette added. "The attempt will cause far more harm than what she can do because of your untimely death." I took a chance and reached across, touching Kim's hand long enough to make her look at me.

"I get it," I smiled sadly. "I even hope you succeed, but what if you don't? What if Sarina takes control of you and eats your soul?" Kim clearly wasn't moved. I should have known self-preservation wasn't the right approach.

"I'm willing to take that chance," Kim shrugged, but then offered a better explanation after she saw the concern in my eyes. "I agreed to work with the El-Kordai to make the world a better place. To punish those who hurt the innocent. Stopping your succubus would do more than I ever hoped to accomplish."

"But are you ready?" I asked, trying to hide my desperation. I didn't want to live under Sarina's control, but by the same token I didn't want Kim to risk herself, especially when I was reasonably certain that she would lose. "Wouldn't more time to prepare work to your advantage?"

"I doubt I'll be able to hold off Sarina for long once I wear her ring again, but I'm certain it would be long enough for you to grab your necklace and go. Now that you know what you'll be facing maybe you can work with whoever told you about the bond between Sarina and me." My desperation grew as I blurted out, "Aren't there others of your kind that could help you? Maybe someone more senior?"

It was Kim's turn to hesitate. I felt a small glimmer of hope until I realized she wasn't waffling on her decision to face Sarina. She was just deciding how much she wanted to tell me. In the end, I saw her come to the same realization I has earlier. Nothing we shared would change the outcome of what would happen if the El-Kordai and Sarina faced each other.

"There aren't any others of my kind," she said with a sad smile. "One per generation, and I had to study hard and fight to be the one of ours."

"Oh," I said in disappointment. That didn't mean I was willing to give up. "But what about taking more time to prepare? I'm sorry, but I get the sense that despite all the studying and training you've done, your bond with the El-Kordai is still relatively new." Again, she hesitated.

"It is new, but that works to my benefit. The El-Kordai can exist in our reality due to the necklace and my willingness to allow it to work through my body, but it doesn't belong on our world any more than your demon. The longer the El-Kordai stays, the weaker it becomes. Our best chance to take the succubus is right now."

I'd realized that not only was I failing to convince Kim to save herself, but I saw her commitment solidify into something unmovable. My mind raced for a few more seconds trying to find a way to save her. Nothing came. Finally, I admitted the truth to myself, and then I said it out loud.

"This is going to happen." It wasn't a question. Kim answered anyway.

"Yes, it is." There was no give in her voice. I found myself respected her for it despite my wish that we could avoid the coming battle, and that's exactly what it was going to be.

"It's weird as hell knowing that the best outcome of what's about to happen is my own death." It really was. Don't get me wrong, I craved the release death would bring plenty of times over the last ten years. Deep down, I still didn't believe it would happen, but this was the first time there might actually be a chance.

I was surprised to find a part of me not ready for the possibility. It made me smile, if only briefly. I guess Kim was right about the human condition. The instinctual need to survive was definitely a key part of that. Yet, I still think I was right too. We humans, as flawed as we were, had somehow learned to go beyond our instincts. My grandparents taught me that early in life, and reinforced it every chance they could. I had to keep believing. It was the only thing keeping me sane most days.

"If I do die, I need a favor." The words slipped out without conscious thought. Kim looked at me and waited, not willing to commit to an answer until I explained what I wanted. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"I don't know if my grandparents are still alive. I broke all ties with them and ran as soon as I realized what my father had given to me...done to me. They don't even know why I left. I couldn't tell them. They would have insisted on helping and there was nothing they could do. Worse, Sarina would have enjoyed using them against me if I let her."

"You want me to find them and tell them what?" Kim asked, not unwilling to do what I asked based on her tone.

"That's I'm sorry." Thoughts of them saddened me more than I expected. I'd thought I'd accepted long ago that they were lost to me. I guess some part of me still hoped I'd see them again. "Tell them they were the ones that gave me the strength to fight as long and as hard as I have." I paused, shaking my head. I didn't want them to know what happened to me. It would only hurt them. "No, just tell them that I'm sorry and never stopped loving them."