Guilt Trip

Stephanie was on a 'guilt trip.' That's what she called her drives back from a conference, meeting or training where she had been intimate with a man other than her husband. The long drive back was used to deal with the guilt she felt after each instance. She was not unfaithful on all her trips. She was careful. Stephanie flirted with men at wherever the others from her office wanted to go for drinks and dancing. She required a combination of good looks, married (therefore less likely to cause problems), and, more importantly a plan for meeting him in a place that guaranteed as much as possible, privacy. Condoms were required, and she bought some for each trip and disposed of the unused ones before returning home. If the combination was missing an element, she would go to her room, alone. There were always more meetings, trainings and conferences, usually 3-4 a year.

She never got beyond first names. No exchange of phone numbers. No addresses. No detailed personal information. No second meetings. Everything to cut the chances of getting caught.

Stephanie would go over in her mind all the things she had to lose. First was the love of her wonderful children, aged 10 and 13. They were smart, caring, athletic, and loving. They were typical kids in most ways, but they both obeyed their parents and seemed to enjoy family times together. They seemed to equally love their mother and their father. It would absolutely devastate them if their parents split. One would think fear of her kids' feelings would have made it less likely that Stephanie would risk cheating. Instead the heavy weight of the implications of getting caught made the risk higher and that increased the excitement value. Affairs weren't supposed to make sense, they just had to be exciting.

Secondly, she didn't want her husband to find out. She had gone through many boyfriends in college, using their sexual skills as a measure of future dates. A few wanted to get serious, but she got bored easily. As her college career wound down, she got desperate to find a husband. She was ready to settle down. Roger came along. He was bright, caring, and did well in the bedroom. It was a matter of timing as much as it was love for both of them.

Their marriage was successful from all visible measures. There were few arguments. They shared duties at home. They planned a budget together and stuck to it. They agreed on when to have kids and both shared most parenting duties. Actually, Roger had to talk her into having kids when they did, but Stephanie was glad once she became a mother. When one had to be gone or was sick, the other automatically took on the household duties of the other, without complaint. They were best friends.

Stephanie and Roger enjoyed their sex life. In a few years, they had explored most sexual activities except the bondage and similar freaky things. Sharing or swapping was not even discussed. They both seemed to believe in traditional marriage. Or so it appeared.

Stephanie did not seem interested in more than she had until one conference when one of her married, female colleagues had a rather obvious liaison with a man she met. Stephanie was curious and swore herself to secrecy if her co-worker would tell all. After hearing of the excitement of an affair, the great sex, and the declaration that the tryst would only affect her marriage in a positive way if at all, Stephanie was hooked. Stephanie, however, did wait to see if lightening would strike the woman dead or what would happen to her marriage. She began to be able to compartmentalize her marriage from a possible affair. One did not have to affect the other.

After a couple of years, nothing had happened negatively to her co-worker that Stephanie could see. Now she started active planning. Careful planning. The first two meetings where she had a chance, she did not feel she should take the risk. Then the next time, she met a guy who was not associated with the training, married, good looking and had a room to himself. She was super excited and paranoid. But everything went according to plan. Stephanie enjoyed the sex, said goodbye to the man, and returned home. Roger did not seem to suspect anything and was happy to receive a makeup blowjob as soon as she returned home. For a couple of weeks, she was anxious that somehow Roger would find out. Didn't happen. It was if the gods were blessing her actions.

From then on, Stephanie became more comfortable in hunting an acceptable lover. She never, however, went beyond her risk conditions. More often than not, she came home without having experienced another man, but neither was she punished for looking and lusting.

Stephanie worried about her co-workers. They were the ones most likely to notice something about her that would make them suspect hanky-panky. She was careful to flirt at the same level at each bar room adventure whether she would score that night or not. If she ever had to share a room with a colleague, she would do the flirting and drinking, then return to the room when her roommate did. No sex occurred on those trips, but it established the assumption among her co-workers that she drank, flirted and went to her room alone even when she did not have a roommate. She never asked for a single room. When it happened she had one, it happened.

Carol was the one she worried about the most. She had been a slut (by her own admission) before going through a conversion experience at a revival. Since then she decided to become the voluntary conscience of the women at work. She noted any clothing that she considered too sexy or suggestive. The women with naturally good figures were often the subject of her criticism although their husbands or boyfriends saw no problem. Good bodies are usually seen regardless of the clothes. If Carol was on one of the trips, Stephanie was on alert. If Carol went to bed before Stephanie, Stephanie would wait a while and, if not too late, might go on the hunt. Usually if Carol went, Stephanie went without.

Another problem was Joel. He was a colleague, one of very few men in this social work office. He was definitely good looking, and he had the self-reported reputation of having a large tool. He hit on all the eligible and supposedly ineligible women at work. Joel saw out of town meetings as time to increase the notches on his belt. All other things considered, Stephanie would have loved to try him out. After a few drinks and the lack of better prospects, Stephanie would consider lowering her conditions for copulation and take Joel up on one of his many offers. She never gave in. Too risky.

Stephanie saw the 73 miles to go sign on the parkway. She changed her thoughts to her latest lover. One last erotic memory before she started thinking about home. As usual, the gang had gone to a bar where they could dance. Stephanie drank and danced and scoped out the prospects. This night there were two and they were sitting together. After she danced with each one, they invited her to their table for a drink. She agreed and noted the time. Staying too long with any male strangers would peak the curiosity of her colleagues.

Tim and Jim both seemed interested as they all shared some basic but not personally specific information. Stephanie was beginning to wonder how she could separate one from the other or perhaps have her first threesome. Before she had to choose, Jim said he was heading for the room and wished them a good night. Tim seemed a little surprised but a lot grateful. After she elevated the flirting, she challenged Tim to put up or shut up. Stephanie slid him her extra room key card and told him to wait 20 minutes after she had left her friends. She said, "Make sure no one is in the hallway when you knock."

Stephanie spent about 15 minutes with her co-workers before she and a couple of others decided to call it a night. Twenty minutes later, Tim came to her door. As with most of the men she had met, he was in a hurry. She slowed him down by controlling the speed of clothing removal. His efforts to get right to fucking was redirected by Stephanie before he figured out that it was foreplay or no play. She loved giving and receiving oral, making sure each had at least one orgasm before he got to enter her vagina. Tim was rather big, but Stephanie was no size queen. She was actually disappointed at this size because her experience was that large men thought that having a large penis was all they needed to bring to lovemaking. Tim fit the stereotype and Stephanie had to do most of the work to get herself to another orgasm. She was glad she had insisted on foreplay. In less than an hour, she was in bed alone. She had spent a half hour cleaning out any evidence of the lubricated condom they had used. Standing in front of the full-length mirror, Stephanie looked for any bite marks or hickeys. Clear.

As she remembered the particulars of their session, Stephanie realized she was getting wet. That was not an unwanted situation but potentially dangerous depending on whether or not she encountered Roger upon first getting home. Sometimes he wanted to go right at it. Oh well, without Tim's cum to worry about, she can tell Roger the wetness was caused by thinking of coming home to him. He would want to believe that.

Stephanie next debated if it was time to stop the trysts. She knew the more she engaged in, the more likely she was to make a mistake and get caught. Like any addict, she fooled herself that she could quit at any time. But only if need be. She believed that her affairs had not negatively affected her marriage or family, because she wanted to believe that.

The 23 miles to go sign meant it was time to get her mind adjusted to returning to a faithful wife and devoted mother. She thought of the kids' sports schedules and what transportation would be needed. The kids would leave notes on the refrigerator if they needed something baked for school or if they were responsible for snacks at the next soccer game. Roger would need to be reminded to get the meat for the cookout this weekend. It was easy for Stephanie to get enthused about makeup sex for Roger having had to miss her loving the past several days.

Stephanie pulled her suitcase up the porch stairs and into the living room. Even though there was no sign of Roger's car or the kids being home yet, she called out just to make sure. With no response, Stephanie rolled the suitcase into the laundry room. Quickly she deposited her dirty clothing into the washer and started it up. She didn't want any telltale signs like strange cologne smells on any of her clothes. She smiled at the thought of having gotten away with it again, and Roger would get the benefit of her good feeling tonight.

Once upstairs, she transferred her toiletries to her half of the bathroom. When the suitcase was empty, she replaced it in the closet. She stopped and looked around the bedroom. Roger had made the bed which was a little unusual. For some reason she could not pinpoint, things did not feel right. She went to the kids' rooms. Surprisingly, their beds were made also.

Stephanie finally rationalized her uneasy feeling as just a residual from her guilt and moved on with her plans for the evening. She was going to cook one of Roger's favorite meals which meant she had to cook a second meal the kids would eat. Going down to the kitchen she got out the pots and pans she would need. Upon setting the first ones down on the island, she saw it and gasped.

There was a piece of legal paper and Roger's wedding band.

She picked up the paper as if it was toxic. In a way, it was. Roger's note told her that the kids were at his parents. He was in the process of finding an apartment that would be big enough for him and the kids. She could expect to be served in a few days. The note ended with the explanation that Jim was a college fraternity brother and had recognized who Stephanie was even with the little information she had given about herself. Tim had given Jim a vivid description about Stephanie's bedroom activities. Roger would contact her about his lawyer's contact information and would arrange a time for he and the kids could pick up more clothes.

Stephanie did curse herself but did not cry. She long ago had made a plan for what to do if found out but had not rehearsed it lately after getting away with it for so long. The first thing was to talk to Roger in person. When she did, she would cry. Roger hated to hear her cry, become sympathetic, and would usually give in to her. She would tell him that it was a one-time mistake. Menopause could be blamed. She would beg forgiveness and swear never to do it again. Finally, she would use the kids as leverage. The kids need both parents and going back and forth between parents would be detrimental to their education and stability. She got out the scotch and took a slug before starting her assault.

Roger's phone went to voice mail every time. She left tearful messages to call her until his mailbox was full. As it became bedtime, she called his parents. Again, she sobbed and begged to talk to her 'babies.' Roger's father told her 'Hell no.' Stephanie was taken aback as she had never heard a harsh word from him. She tried to argue that it was her legal right to talk to them. He responded he would have to see a legal warrant. She asked to speak to Roger. His father said he was not there. He was looking at apartments. Stephanie tried on last plea, "Please tell my husband that we need to talk and that he should not waste money on an apartment when that money could go for things for the kids." She figured that would get to Roger.

It was several days before Roger called her with the contact information for his lawyer and asked her when he could come by for more of his and the kids' clothes. Roger asked where she wanted to be served so as not to embarrass her. She used the chance to beg to talk to him in person. Once she heard her story, he would stop this divorce nonsense. Why did he want to tear his family apart for so little reason? All of this was said with sobs between many of the words.

Roger said he would come by tomorrow and get more clothes. After he got the clothes, he would give her a chance to talk. She asked to make dinner. He said coffee would be fine. Once he hung up, Stephanie's tears stopped. She felt good about her chances to turn things back in her favor. She worked on her speech.

Roger was silent as he packed clothes from his and the kids' bedrooms. He returned from putting them in his car and sat down at the kitchen table where Stephanie had a cup of coffee fixed just the way he liked. Roger asked to say one thing first. She agreed. "Do you have a lawyer yet? If so, my lawyer needs to know who it is."

"Roger, I have not looked for a lawyer yet because I can't believe a divorce would be the best thing for our kids, you, or me. Yes, I cheated. Why? I don't know. I guess I'm not used to drinking as much as I thought. I really don't remember what happened. My drink may have been drugged. I'm not trying to say that I'm not responsible for putting myself in that position in the first place, I'm just saying I got out of control partially due to alcohol and maybe drugs.

"Think of the kids. I believe I have been a good mother. My one-time mistake will not hurt my ability to mother them. Separating their mother and father from them WILL hurt them emotionally. Having to pay rent, utilities, etc. for two households will reduce money we could use to spend on them. That WILL hurt them. Do you really want to hurt them anymore for something that happened that won't matter to them? Do you want them to see you taking revenge against their mother? Are you sure you want to do that?

"I believe I have been a good wife at least until the other night. My mistake has harmed our marriage and it's my fault. An event that happened one time does not have to be a continuing, reoccurring wound to our marriage. All you have to do is forgive me this once. Then you will see that it will NEVER happen again and all the wonderful things you thought about our marriage and our family before you heard from Jim will come back. I will do whatever you ask to repair our marriage. I will not, however, do anything to make it even more broken than it is now."

Stephanie thought her words would bring the hoped-for reaction from Roger. He was thinking about what she had said. She decided to go for the close. "You and the kids move back in. I will stay in the guest room. Let us stay mother and father while I prove to you that I am worthy for us to be husband and wife again." Her monologue had probably won Roger over. If she had just kept her mouth shut.

"Roger, please believe me, they meant nothing to me. You're the only one I love."

Roger picked up on it immediately. "THEY? There were more men you slept with? You . . . miserable . . . . BITCH! I was going to go out of my way to be nice to you in the divorce, but that's gone out the window." He stomped out.

Stephanie weakly tried, "That was just a slip of the tongue. I meant HE meant nothing to me." This time the tears were real. Now she was on a real guilt trip because for the first time she really felt guilty.

That was the last time Stephanie saw her family. When Roger went to see his lawyer to see how badly he could treat Stephanie in a divorce, he was hit with the reality that no matter what she had done, she would receive the kids, the house, alimony, child support and household support plus 50% of their joint assets. She was going to be rewarded for screwing around. Unless.

Roger, the kids and all the money he could gather headed for parts unknown. He took his guilt trip. He felt guilty, however, because he was not able to punish her even more than he had.