tagReviews & EssaysHalloween Proposal - No More Candy

Halloween Proposal - No More Candy


What if, instead of candy, we passed out something else, something we all could use.

For those of you who thought that I was proposing marriage by writing this Halloween Proposal, I'm not. I'm proposing a change in how we celebrate Halloween and trick or treat for that matter in general. What I am proposing is that it's time for a change in what we pass out at Halloween. With this long recession, during this period of economic hard times, where so many of us are struggling between being out of a job and home foreclosures, what if, instead of candy, we passed out something else, something more useful and something that we all could use?

Imagine receiving some free stuff, while getting rid of some of the junk we don't need or use anymore. Under the guise and pretense of Halloween trick or treating, a way for us not to feel embarrassed begging, what I'm proposing is a way for us all to benefit, sort of a Halloween door-to-door flea market, but for free. More for us adults than our kids, I wouldn't mind wearing a costume, if it was going to, possibly, net some neat stuff that I could use and didn't have to go out and buy, while ridding my cellar and attic of all my junk to make room for the really good junk that I received trick or treating during Halloween.

In a country where too many of our children are already obese, it's time we stop passing out candy that our kids don't need. Just as we do at Easter, just as we tell our children that the Easter Bunny brought them their candy, as a way for us to control and monitor how much candy they consume, we'll buy them their own damn candy at Halloween and tell them that the Good Halloween Witch brought it for them.

"Trick or treat. Here's your candy, kids."

Halloween is just another holiday created by big business to sell costumes and candy, anyway. Unless our children are really small and look really cute for Halloween, unless we're wearing a costume at a swingers' masquerade ball, Halloween is not a holiday for adults. Most of us hate having the expense and the undue aggravation, especially in these economic hard times, of passing out candy to all the neighborhood brats that we hate anyway.

"Hold on a second, while I get up on my soapbox. There. Okay. I'm ready, now."

It's time we had a Halloween for adults and I'm not talking about a masquerade ball at some swingers party, although that is a good image to have, too. I'm writing about we adults going trick or treating ourselves. The Hell with the kids. Yeah, Halloween trick or treating for adults. Think about it. Forget about taking the kids. Leave the children home. Forget about trick or treating for candy. Oh, and bring a truck and a pushcart, as you'll be collecting some big, heavy stuff, hopefully some of it you'll really love to have and the rest of it, you can give away to someone else next Halloween.

Why not make the Halloween holiday more meaningful? First of all, the majority of the people on my street don't give out anything for Halloween anyway. They're too cheap to spend twenty dollars on candy to pass out to the kids. Don't you hate people like that? Sorry, I didn't know you were like that, too. Never mind.

Yet, what if, instead of passing out candy, something that no one needs or wants, but the kids, why not use the holiday to pass out stuff that we all have an excess of and don't need, especially if someone else can use? Think of it as a giant free flea market Halloween giveaway.

"Where'd you get the pool table, Jim? It's really nice. It must have set you back a bundle."

"I went trick or treating and a guy, who wanted to unload it, gave it to me."

"No way! Seriously? No kidding? You're such a lucky bastard. Gees, he gave you everything, the balls, the sticks, even the pool table light. Wow!"

"What did you get, Phil?"

"Oh, I got a pair of rusty, old ice skates that aren't even my size. I figure I'll either give them away next Halloween or trade them for something else on Craigslist."

"So, did you egg his house for just giving you lousy ice skates that aren't even your size?"

"Nah, I'm not small like that. Live and let live, I always say," said Phil with a devious laugh. "I flattened his car parked out front with my Big Foot truck, instead."

"Cool," said Jim. "Gimme a high five. I betcha he won't be so cheap next year on Halloween."

"Yeah, that will teach him."

Just in the way that our kids do for M&M's and Tootsie Roll Pops, imagine the possibilities of having one official holiday that we adults can panhandle for cool and valuable stuff. Definitely, on Halloween night, you want to hit the better neighborhoods first.

"Trick or treat."

"Come out to the garage, I have something you might like for Halloween."

"A car? Seriously?"

"Yep, it's all yours. The title is in the glove box. It's an older model, of course. I buy a new one every three years and instead of trading it in at the dealer, I figured I'd give it away at Halloween."

"Thank you. Thank you so very much for the Mercedes. I'll take good care of it. Thank you again. Happy Halloween!"

On the flip side of the coin, of course, those people who don't have anything to give, don't have to give anything. They can just say that they weren't home to pass out anything. They can just use the excuse that they were out trick or treating with everyone else.

Further, and we need the cooperation of the Internal Revenue Service to help us with this, but we'd all receive better stuff when trick or treating on Halloween if the IRS allowed those who gave their stuff away to claim it as a charitable Halloween deduction on their itemized 1040 form. What do you think? Huh? Who's wearing a thinking cap today, while writing this story? Hey, there's no need to thank me, just give me a 5 vote for this story. I got your back covered.

"Wait, hold on, before you drive off with my Mercedes, I need to see two photo IDs. I need you to fill out this form with your name, address, social security number, a description and a value of the merchandise that I gave you and, lastly, I need for you to sign here and initial here and here."

I don't know about you, but I'm liking this idea. Seriously, we all have junk that's a pain-in-the-ass to try and sell. What if Uncle Sam made it easier for us to give our things away, while picking up a tax donation benefit for regular people, instead of just charities? A win/win, it's all good. Most of us are all just a bunch of junk collectors and hoarders anyway.

Only, and there's always one exception to the rule. Someone is always trying to work the system. Can you imagine a guy, a smart man, an enterprising lad, a man so sick of his mother-in-law and/or his wife that he gave her or them away for Halloween? Wow. Seriously, this could be good, very good. Definitely, it would catch on, much like a house on fire. Imagine the possibilities.

"You know, honey, Halloween is just around the corner and just like Christmas, you better watch out, you better not pout, you better not cry, Halloween is why, you better be good, you better not be bad, that is, unless you're really bad, if you know what I mean..."

So, anyway, what would your wife say, if you gave away her mother at Halloween? I know, I'm excited with the thoughts of that, just by writing this.

"Honey! You can't give my mother away for Halloween."

"Why not?"

"You just can't. She's not a thing. She's a human. Besides, I'll miss her."

"Oh, don't worry about missing your mother, Sally. She's going to a good home. The guy I'm giving her to writes mother-in-law incest stories for Literotica. Trust me, he'll take real good care of her. Besides, I gave you to him, too."

"You what?"


Now, can you imagine this guy being audited at tax time?

"Let me get this straight, Mr. Roberts, you're claiming a lifetime, inestimable tax deduction for not only giving away your mother-in-law but also for giving away your wife, too, on Halloween."

"Yes, that's right."

"I see. Do you have a signed receipt for your mother-in-law and for your wife?"

"Of course. I have the signed receipt for them right here. I donated them to a needy pervert at Halloween, a writer on Literotica, who specializes in writing mother-in-law incest and taboo stories and Loving Wives stories. Now, a man who didn't have a family last year, (sniff, sniff), sorry I get all choked up knowing that I made a perverted man, I mean, a needy man, a man in need, happy by donating my wife and mother-in-law to him."

Viola! Instantly, now, along with receiving a huge tax deduction, the guy unloaded his wife and his mother-in-law. It's a win/win situation. Everyone is happy, especially the man who never had a family and who never had a wife or a mother-in-law and now he instantly has both. Now, if, by next year at this time, he's unhappy with his newly donated wife and/or mother-in-law, he can give them away, sort of like a regift at Christmas, but on Halloween, instead.

"This is unprecedented, Mr. Roberts. As far as I know, no one has given away their wife and mother-in-law on Halloween. Although, there were those two brothers in West Virginia who swapped sisters and claimed a moving expense, but that's another story in the Incest category for Literotica."

"It was a huge sacrifice on my part, but I was done with them. They were just cluttering up my house and scaring the dog, actually. To be honest, with football season here and a fall special on beer, I'm glad they're gone. Now, I can keep the fridge in my living room, next to my easy chair. Wanna beer?"

"Beer? No thank you, Mr. Roberts. I'm on the job. Tell me, what about this restraining order that was taken out by your wife and her mother on you three years ago Halloween. It says here and I quote your wife, he's a real bastard and he called me a bitch and my mother a witch. Even though she didn't disagree that her mother is a witch, she goes on to write that she's not a bitch."

"Oh, that. That was all a misunderstanding and we have since reconciled. We are still deeply in love, which is why this Halloween donation was so difficult for me to do and its tax deductible value is immeasurable."

"I see. Well, I'm going to have to check with my supervisor for this one, Mr. Roberts. We'll give you our decision by mail within 60 days."

Yet, now that I think about it, on the other side of the coin, maybe this isn't such a good idea after all. Let's not give the wives any ideas. No doubt, they'll be women who will want to dump their husbands and maybe even their kids at Halloween.

"Take him. Take them all. They're all yours. I'm sick and tired of cleaning up, picking up, and cooking for people who don't appreciate me. Trick or treat."

"Wait! Lady! Hello? You just can't leave your kids and husband here. I have a husband and children of my own."

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. Never mind. Forget that I even mentioned any of this. Maybe I'll just pass out candy this Halloween. Trick or treat!

"Honey, can I help you clear the dinner table and do the dishes? Yeah, go relax and I'll draw you a bath. Happy Halloween, sweetie."

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