Hateship, Loveship

Disclaimer:

This story is a slow burn, sex is mentioned at the ending. Also there's mention of depression, anxiety and eating disorders.

All characters are 18 and older.

If you decide to continue reading, thank you so much for your time and I hope you enjoy it!

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When I finished highschool I felt really lost. Didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life, I had a huge ego and thought I was smarter than everyone else. At the same time, I disliked myself so much, I was taller than most girls but I also was 20 pounds overweight, which caused me to be really self-conscious.

Life was not going so well for me, at least that's how I felt, I thought I had nothing, but I actually had almost everything.

It was my first year in college, I always wanted to be a writer but was a coward, so I went with journalism, as it turns out most of my classmates didn't know what to study either, so they went with journalism.

Even though I had to take the same classes with the same people everyday, being a first semester student, I managed to switch one of the classes to the time slot of the other group because I didn't want to end classes so late at night, so they switched me to the other group's literature class.

That day a friend of mine came to my university to see if she wanted to study journalism there, I snuck her on to my class. Everyone was introducing themselves, my friend and I were talking and the guy sitting in front of us, turned around and chimed in.

"So you don't even go here?" he asked my friend.

"No, but don't say anything."

And he had the audacity of trying to participate in our conversation! Excuse me, who are you?! But of course I didn't say any of that, instead I think my face did the talking. I never said I was perfect...

The following week I got in the classroom and there he was again, the guy who couldn't mind his own bussiness was waving and smiling at me, okay... I don't even know your name, I just waved and sat down, he kept trying to make conversation and I guess I talked a little to him, but I just didn't what his intentions were and if he was flirting, he better look somewhere else! I'm not interest in gingers. Wow, I know I sound like such a bitch, but bear with me.

Anyways, on saturdays I had german classes at a language school, and it was my first day, from afar I saw the ginger, and I honestly was hoping he wouldn't see me, when I got to the classroom he was already sitting there waiting for the class to start, I had no choice but to sit right next to him. We chatted a bit, I guess he was fine, not as annoying as I originally thought. His name was Ben.

For the next two weeks I kept running into him in the halls, and he would say hi and give me a hug, which I found weird, I didn't like people giving me hugs, it made me feel self-conscious and he wasn't even my friend. Though, I had noticed he hugged everyone, I guess he was just a hugger?

One day after the literature class was over, a bunch of classmates were outside and he looked at me and he said "give me a hug", he came up to me, and started trying to hug me, and I lost it! I don't know what came over me, but I yelled at him at the top of my lungs in front of everyone:

"Don't touch me!"

He froze and said "sorry", everyone just stared at me like I was a psycho. I felt awkward and I added:

"I don't like people touching me" and I walked away.

The next day I was in the cafeteria with a friend telling her about what happened

"... and I just lost it" I told her.

"Well, at least he will stop talking to you."

"Yes I don't he'll ever dare to speak to me again, it will be awkward when I see him in german class, who cares, but I guess everyone thought I was a little crazy."

As I was telling this to my friend I saw him in the cafeteria with a group of his friends, they were passing next to me, I thought he would just pretend he couldn't see me, but he looked at me and he smiled shyly and waved at me, I waved back. I was very surprised that he would say hi to me after that.

On saturday when we were at the break in german class, we talked about it.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable with the hugs" he apologized to me.

"Thank you, I'm sorry I yelled at you like a psycho!"

"No, don't worry, it's water under the bridge" he said genuinely.

I really admire people's ability to recognize that maybe they're wrong and talking about difficult things, so I gained respect for Ben, he didn't appear as annoying as he used to. We kept talking during that break and as it turns out we had a lot in common.

"You know which author I love?" he asked me.

"Who?"

"Raymond Carver."

"Oh I like him too, his stories are simple yet effective."

"Effective? I think he just reflects what being a person is, no matter who you are we are all so complex, which books do you like?."

"I like house of leaves, gravity's rainbow" to be honest I hadn't read either.

He laughed and said "you're such a poser."

"Me? a poser?"

"Yes, a literature snob."

"I guess I am..." and we both laughed.

On monday I was in the school library, and I saw him in one of the individual study cubicules doing some work on his computer, and I decided to approach him.

"Hey, what are you up to?" I said.

"Hey Jodie, just using facebook while i'm waiting for my next class."

"Oh you should add me."

He added me, and we started browsing through my pictures, in some of them I appeared with my friends, and I would tell him who they were.

"And that's Kelly, she's very pretty, everyone in highschool had a crush on her."

"Yeah? well I think you're very beautiful" he said to me, I was in shock, no man had called me that.

"You think so?" I asked him.

"Yeah, I do."

"But I'm chubby."

"And who cares? You are beautiful."

"Thanks Ben."

The next history class we had, we sat together. And on friday he started texting me through facebook.

B: what are u up to?

J: nothing just chilling, u?

B: I went for a run, but it started raining so I came back.

J: that sucks, I don't want to go to german class tomorow.

B: oh come on, we gotta learn!

J: I know, i'm gonna make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for the break tomorrow.

B: oh I love those! will you make me one? ;)

J: yeah, right, you wish!

B: :(

The next day, when we were on the break I pulled out of my backpack two sandwiches, and gave one to him. He was very surprised.

"Jodie, thank you, this is really sweet, I never expected you to actually bring me the sandwich, I was just teasing" he thanked me.

"You're welcome, you see? i'm not as mean as I look."

"You know, when we first met I felt like I knew you from somewhere else, but didn't know from where" he said to me.

"Which highschool did you go to?" I asked him.

"Oh, no, I was in college before."

"What? how old are you?."

"23, I was studying in another college but got into trouble with a teacher for a story I wrote for the school paper, and let's say I had to transfer."

"Wow dinosaur! so you'll have to study everything all over again?"

"No, I'll just have to study two more years, so I'll be 25 when I'm done."

"Interesting, I thought you were my age, but you're basically a grandpa."

"I'm not that old."

My days in college didn't seem like a burden anymore, at least I got to see Ben, who was becoming a really good friend, but I want to emphasize, like a friend, because I wasn't attracted to him at all. I also started dieting but kept it a secret because I didn't like telling people my bussiness, ever.

One day in class Ben turned to me and asked me:

"Have you lost weight?"

"I don't know, maybe."

"Yes, you have, you look thinner."

And that right there was a motivation to keep going, I had always struggled to loose weight, but now, I was actually starting to loose it.

I was starting to feel happier in college but I ultimately decided to switch majors, and I decided I would switch to business, even though I thought my calling was to be a writer. I just couldn't stand the academic enviroment surrounding it, I was still very immature, and had a black or white mentality.

I had no faith in myself, I just had a very big ego, and lots of self-loathing. I also had a very big crush on a jock, and I used to tell Ben all about it, he would listen, and listen, he'd give me the best advice he could. He told me that before he transferred universties he used to have a girlfriend:

"We dated for 8 years! since we were 15, but I honestly got into the relationship because everyone told me she liked me and I went for it, we had the same friends and we had a routine, I loved her but I just wasn't in love."

"What? how can you stay that long if you didn't have any feelings like buttlerflies and all that stuff" I asked him.

"Maybe some day you'll undestand, you're still young."

On the other hand, I was working out like crazy, barely eating, counting calories and the weight kept dropping. When you've always been chubby, the prospect of losing the weight, to me at least, meant all my problems would go away, and just like that I would be happy, I would stop hating mysef, I'd stop feeling shame. Shame had been chasing me for the longest time, I just was ashamed of who I was. None of my friends from highschool inspired that kind of trust in me, where I could fully express myself, my parents would get on my nerves constantly, I had always felt lonely, and I just couldn't trust people. My shame was mine to carry.

Contrary to me, Ben seemed proud of who he was, people liked him, he was very polite, but he wasn't close friends with mant people. He was picky when it came to his friends, but he was loyal and just an overall good human being. He liked music, reading and music. He didn't party hard, but he liked going out. He was funny and could see things many people would easily dismiss.

The semester was coming to an end, and christmas was approaching, and also Ben's birthday.

"So, I'm gonna throw a party for my birthday on december the 5th, you're coming right?" asked Ben while we were walking to class.

"Maybe, what day is it?, because a friend invited me to a christmas dinner that weeked and I said yes already."

"It's saturday."

"Sorry, I can't, it's the same day as the dinner."

To be honest Ben and I had never hung out outside of school, I still had my reservations about him, but considered him a friend, I was very surprised when he broke the news.

"So, I decided to change my party to friday, so you can come" he told me.

"You did that? you didn't have to do that! thanks! you can count me in."

"Well, I wanted you to come, you're a really good friend."

"Am I?"

"Yes, a little rough around the edges, but when you brought me the sandwich to german class I just knew you were a sweetheart, a diamond in the rough."

And we laughed.

He had a really nice house, well, his parents. He was very excited when I showed up, and he really put in an effort into throwing his party. We had a good time, nothing out of the ordinary happened.

When we came back in january we didn't have any classes but we kept hanging out, and we became closer.

He messaged me one friday afternoon

B: what are you doing? do you want to go get fondue?

J: fondue? haha

B: yes, fondue, I'm really craving it

J: ok, but I really look homeless right now and I don't want to dress up

He came to pick me up, when he looked at me he said:

"You weren't exaggerating when you told me you looked homeless" said whilst smiling, I knew he was joking.

"I know but I warned you."

"Well, at least people will say "he's so nice, taking out a homeless woman to lunch.""

That spring we started hanging out more outside school, we would go to the movies, we'd hang out at his house, he'd always call me to hang out. He'd always come pick me up and never allowed me to pay. As a broke 18 year old that wasn't that bad. I started trusting Ben. So much. I shared everything with him, we became sidekicks, we'd have our inside jokes, we agreed on so many things that many people didn't seem to get.

Once we got into an argument, and he called me to see if we could meet up and talk, we went to a park and we were walking through the trees.

"I just feel so small to you some times" he complained.

"What are you even saying? I always listen to you Ben!"

"Do you? really? i just feel like the things I do or say to you are just like this" and he kicked the dirt.

"Like that?" and I pointed to the dirt.

"Yes, meaningless, it's frustrating."

Suddenly it started raining and we ran to his car, he said he would take me home, I interrupted him.

"Ben, what you said earlier about what you do being meaningless, it's not meaningless at all for me. I love you. I love you so much." I started crying, I was overwhelmed by how much I loved him, as a friend, as a person, as a life partner. I wasn't thinking romantically. I loved who he was, and I loved how kind and sweet he was to me, I'd never felt such warmth from anyone else, not even my parents. "You're my best friend, I have a hard time trusting people, but I trust you so much, and you're an amazing friend. You're my number one, when something good happens, you're the first one I want to tell, I don't know, I love you and you mean so much to me, I just have to say it."

He hugged me.

"I love you too, and you're my best friend too, I don't want to fight, not with you."

He wiped my tears and everything was better.

We grew closer and closer, once we even went to the movies and dinner with his mom, and she called me her "daughter in law", he told me to ignore her, because she was just doing it to piss him off.

When summer came I started working at a clothing store for women, I didn't have as much time to hang out with Ben. Since I had lost a ton of weight, I was working to buy new clothes, because I always loved fashion.

I hadn't seen Ben in a few weeks, I was working the cash registry and from afar I saw him walking in to the store, he was looking for me. Honestly I felt such a rush of emotions. excitement, my heart dropped to my stomach in a good way. I just knew I could rely on him.

He approached me, smiling and feeling a little self conscious.

"Hey! what a surprise!" I greeted him.

"Well, yes, since we haven't been able to hang out I thought I dropped by to say hi."

"Thanks Ben!"

"When's your shift over?"

"In two hours."

"Well, I'll wait for you in the foodcourt, I brought my laptop to advance some work."

"Okay, great, see you in a bit."

When I got out of my shift I saw him sitting, the mall was practically empty, and there he was waiting for me.

We hung out and then I went home. I was really happy he came to see me.

During the summer we hung out a little more, he even gave me some driving lessons. I just liked hanging around him, him being older he could always listen to me and give me advice. When school started, we would walk around the hallways arm in arm, laughing, telling each other secrets, people thought we were dating, but we were just friends. Ben said to me once:

"You're like the sister I never had."

"Thanks Ben, but you do have a sister!"

"Yes, but we're not that close, but changing the subject I have big news" he said to me.

"What is it?" I asked

"You saw the flyers about the singing competition?"

"Yes, I did, are you entering the contest?"

Ben liked music and playing the piano, but I wasn't so sure he could sing.

"Yes I am, in fact I can play the song i'm singing, so you can tell me what you think."

"Yes, sure!"

After school we went to his house and sat in the piano together, and he started playing the song, it was a song of a love who disappeared, who left, who stopped calling, and it was honestly so beautiful, I was feeing cynical about the whole thing and once he played fhe song I started bawling my eyes out.

"I love it Ben, it's amazing, you'll win, I'm sure of it."

The contest came, and he played it, the crowd lost it, once he was done, I ran to the backstaged and hugged him. I started crying again.

"That was amazing Ben, so wonderful, everyone was moved to tears, they love you!, you bring people together."

He won the contest.

It had been two years since we first met. Our friendship kept growing, I told him things I'd never say to anyone else, showed him my stories.

"You're so talented Jodie, i love your stories, they're hilarious" he said after he finished reading my story.

"Thanks Ben, I just always wanted to be a writer, even though I switched majors."

"I know, but it's also a way to heal, all the things that are painful to you, I start to see how you heal them, you've grown so much since I first met you, you're such an amazing woman."

"Thanks Ben, I guess I'm learning as I go, but I wish the guys I liked thought I'm amazing too!"

"Well, they're idiots, maybe right now they don't see it, but once they're mature enough they'll realize how amazing you are, even when we go out together, women look at me differently when i'm with you."

"What do you mean?"

"Yes, you're beautiful, they see me with you and think "he must have something about him if he's with her.""

Life kept moving forward, Ben told me he liked a girl, and they started dating I didn't care. She was plain looking. We kept being friends, and she was nice, I liked her. But Ben started to pull away from me. He would get mad at me, and then he would come back and say he was sorry. For a few months we had this dynamic, and I just was tired from it, so I stopped initiating contact.

He was graduating, and he invited me to his graduation, his girlfriend wasn't there, just his family, two other friends and me. That night we both drank a lot, and long story short, things imploded. We had a small discussion, but I knew it was over.

Our friendship was over. I was so heartbroken. I cried the entire summer. I missed him but I also hated him. I cursed him for the longest time and hoped he'd come back to me, but he never called, and I didn't either. I deleted his number, blocked him on facebook, I never wanted to see him again. I felt so hurt, the time I trusted someone I got punched right in the gut, but I wasn't gonna let myself go. I saw him a couple of times at university, and ignored him, he would try to say hi, but I wasn't keen on greeting him. I started going out more, making more friends, anything to distract myself, some times I stilled missed him, when I told a teacher who was a very close friend and whom I loved and admired she told me "There's just some connections that we can't have with anyone else" It's true. We had a true connection. But it was gone, I didn't understand why he treated me that way, my friends and parents said he probably had liked me as more than a friend and that's why he resented me. I felt like the song he wrote, why had he left? why had he stopped calling? Could it be he liked me as more than friends? But he never said anything to me! How could I possibly know... the thought never ocurred to me.

I promised myself I would never let someone else get so stuck in me. I would be independent.

I moved on, started hanging out with "the cool kids", it was very fun while it lasted. But also led me to a crippling anxiety, and I started going to art classes. I loved because it took me out of myself.

I graduated college and stayed unemployed, I just couldn't handle going to an office and pretending I was busy.

I kept doing art and as it turns out, I was good. I was crazy in love with it, it consumed me. I didn't care that much about social lice anymore, but I kept dating. I loved going out with new guys, I finally felt beautiful, or at least I knew I was in fact attractive, I dated really handsome guys, but there never was a spark or connection.