He is Your Master Now Pt. 14

After a passionate night with Manuel, a gentle, loving giant of a man, Ambrose, small, soft and feminized is filled with a new kind longing, one that might offer a path to true happiness. It's a longing, however, he fears may be contrary to Cassilda's ultimate aims. After Manuel reveals some disturbing news, the future becomes a many branching road, the most prominent of which is a path diminishing to a murky darkness in the distance.

* * * * *

For the second time since Ambrose arrived at Carcosa, he experienced time as a river which ran synchronically forward and backward, feeding into and out of itself, causing the creation of a causal loop where the future and past influenced one another. But this time, it was different.

* * * * *

Ambrose raged at the indignity of being forced into the role of a delicate, demurely sensuous ballerina. His rage was made worse by having to force himself to smother that very rage while a man, who was the very epitome of strong but gentle masculinity, held him in an erotic pose. Ambrose, who had never been one for ballet as a spectator and certainly not as a ballerina, suddenly recognized, in a very real sense, the highly sexual and passionate nature of some of dance elements. He was well on the road of forced feminization, and now his confusion regarding his own sexuality filled him with both great trepidation and despair.

* * * * *

Miss Amanda's anger, self-loathing and confusion melted away in the very arms of his former dance partner/turned lover; a man who truly valued him as both an object of desire and as something more. It was a total repudiation of what Ambrose believed about himself in his former life.

* * * * *

While the ballerina was in the midst of a turbulent battle between his male ego and his unacknowledged desires, he was suddenly confronted with a disturbing vision of himself in the throes of sexual ecstasy while his dance partner, a black man, gently fucked him in the ass.

* * * * *

Miss Amanda peered into the past, looked the fearful ballerina in the eyes and smiled. It was meant to reassure that frightened little thing that everything was going to be fine, that he'd find the happiness that eluded him all his life.

* * * * *

Ambrose the ballerina, unaware that he was staring at his future wanted to rage at the smile that met him. He read it as his own psyche mocking and taunting him and ridiculing him for wishing to be passive as his budding desire for powerful male companionship began crawling upward through the earth toward sunlight.

* * * * *

As before, both the ballerina and Miss Amanda looked at each other, but Miss Amanda now understood that his reassuring smile, which mocked him as the ballerina, had nurtured the seed of this desire in them both. Had Manuel not been as wonderful and loving as he was, he would not have smiled at the ballerina and in not doing so, the thread of this timeline would have been reordered from the moment during the ballet lesson that each looked into the other.

But smile he did, and in doing so he bridged the past and present as a single event. The result was so profound that it resulted in a violent sissygasm powerful enough to cause him to lose consciousness.

And yet he did not see the Yellow Sign.

After sex, Ambrose and Manuel were so parched from the exertion that they downed two cokes each. Afterward, Ambrose, delicate and tender, lay against Manuel, enveloped in the larger man's strong arms. Each had their own reasons for remaining silent.

The very idea of making love to a black man was once so abhorrent to him that he could not even conceive of it. The territory that had to be covered to get from that disposition to the point where he willingly and without coercion invited a black man into his bed should have been impossible to cover. And the improbable payoff was total emotional investment on his part as well as sexual bliss.

And still no Yellow Sign!

What did he have to do to see the Yellow Sign when making love to Manuel? Was it even possible that he could force such a thing? Pippi indicated that seeing the Yellow Sign was random but he refused to believe it was unattainable with a master of one's choice.

Cassilda and Pippi weren't exactly wrong about his desire to be debased and used, but that just wasn't a complete picture of Ambrose' sexual anima.

The degradation of being mistreated by men all boiled down to being overpowered. Ambrose well knew that stronger men than himself could be overcome. It happened in prison all the time. Forcing Ambrose to submit to sex would have required little effort by a man of only half of Manuel's fitness.

The moment he saw the Masked Man's improbably massive penis jutting out like a crane from a physique even more impressive than that of Manuel's, Ambrose experienced a sense of inadequacy so powerful that it broke all the barriers that constrained his sense of himself. Cassilda's strange mix of encouragement and mockery contributed greatly. If someone like the Masked Man wanted to make Ambrose his bitch, it was probable that Ambrose's resistance would scarcely have been noticed.

But Manuel had not overpowered Ambrose, he didn't even really seduce him. He complimented his beauty and playfully flirted. More importantly, when he sensed that his impish flirtations were making Ambrose too uncomfortable, he respectfully pulled back. And never once did he use his bulk to intimidate the smaller man with threatening body language. To Ambrose thinking, what Manuel did was far more emasculating than merely overpowering him physically.

With no effort on his part, he presented an admirable example of a strong, virile gentleman that bordered on chivalry. Without meaning to, Manuel committed the most emasculating act against Ambrose that any man ever could, he made the smaller man's heart flutter like that of a schoolgirl and gave rise to butterflies in his stomach.

The result was that Manuel caused Ambrose to overpower himself.

Finally, when they landed in bed, Manuel didn't fuck Ambrose, he made love to him. It was soulful and beautiful; an experience he would have never thought possible for him.

In his old life, Ambrose had rarely engaged in deep self-reflection, but when he did, he often yearned for a woman to respond to him just as he had responded to Manuel. It now seemed to him that what he specifically wanted was tenderness and a sense of wellbeing regardless of whom was fucking whom.

Manuel would always be a gentleman. He would hold doors open for him, he wouldn't let Ambrose lift something heavy and though he had no doubt Manuel would continue to be lusty, he would never see Ambrose as just a sex object and would never force himself on the fragile man.

Manuel would remember special dates, buy Ambrose flowers, put serious thoughts into gifts and take him out dining and dancing. He would do all the tiny little things for him that were once in fashion for gentlemen when it came to their special ladies. And the more he continued to simply be himself, the more Ambrose would desire him and care for him.

Ambrose would see to his needs, worry that he wasn't getting enough to eat, or that he was doing too much. He'd be scared if Manuel failed to arrive home on time; fearing the worst: that he had an innocent run in with the police that turned tragic. That particularly, was now a distinct concern that he had never imagined having.

"My god. I'm envisioning myself as his wife." It was a shocking realization. He had only known Manuel for a very short time and under the most unwanted circumstances, and yet he was unmistakably falling in love with him.

The pall that hung over everything was the suspicion that his fate was to be mastered by the Man in the pallid mask.

The Masked Man would show no such warmth, of that, he was sure. He would use Ambrose like a toy. He would provide him no good times, no sense of peace or belonging; none of the things that Manuel would give him as a natural consequence of his essence.

"Miss Amanda."

Ambrose broke away from his thoughts and stared into space, enjoying the feel of resting against the large man's warm, naked body.

"Hmm?" he felt himself feeling far away.

"You know that my affection for you is genuine. Right?"

"I feel the same. I didn't think it would be possible, now I feel stupid for feeling ashamed of being attracted to you."

"That really makes me feel good, but I really, really need you to know that I have strong feelings for you."

Ambrose reached a hand to Manuel's and entwined his small delicate fingers with those of the big man's. He turned slightly and propped up to kiss him.

Manuel gently pushed him away. He looked troubled and worried. "I really need you to know that I really like you because I have to tell you something that might upset you. It really shouldn't because, it's all turning out for the best so it's not really a big deal but I'm bad at figuring out how people will react to some things, so maybe it might hurt you."

Ambrose pulled away, sat up and turned to face Manuel with an expression of worried alertness.

"What do you need to tell me?"

"I'll tell you, but just know that no matter what I tell you, I thought you were cute when I first met you but then I started liking you for real. I really need you to understand that I---" he paused in apparent worry "I might even be falling in love with you and that's why I feel like I have to tell you this--- thing."

Love? The word cut his agitation in half but it also raised his suspicions because after all, he didn't yet know what Manuel had to tell him. "Whatever you have to tell me," said Ambrose with eyes closed and through a trembling voice, "we can work through it or at least try, if Cassilda will let us."

"First I have to tell you that the way you know me, I mean the way I am, emotionally and personality-wise," the big man stuttered, "I am exactly that person. I can't really pretend to be any other way. But I'm not a driver or handyman or anything else like that."

Ambrose opened his eyes, his brows furrowed with confusion. "I don't understand."

"I'll explain, but I really want you to know that I'm exactly as you know me. I can never call you a faggot bitch, or rough you up and shove my penis wherever I want. That's just not me because I don't see people like you in that way."

"People like me? You mean 'sissies'?" he said nastily.

Manuel shook his head in response to the word. "Look, I like the word sissy, but for me, I don't use it as an insult, and I don't use it with just anyone. If I call you a sissy, it'll be in private and it'll be an endearment. It means I have affection for you but," he added hastily, "we don't have to call you that if you don't like it. But if you learn anything from what I'm about to say, just know that my feelings for you are very real."

"Yeah, yeah. So you keep saying. But what you're not saying is what you're worried about telling me."

"Miss Amanda, I'm really very nervous right now because I don't want this to end. I want to let it go where it goes. So--- yeah, my feelings for you are very real and now, I think I'm fucking this up, and you got me worried that your feelings aren't. But even there, I refuse to believe that you can be that manipulative or that somebody can manipulate you like that. There were too many little things in the way you acted for me to believe that your feelings aren't real but I'm still--- worried. And seriously, at no point did I ever plan to hurt you or play with your feelings."

"Manuel," said Ambrose becoming irritated, "you're too confused and you're confusing the shit out of me, and I don't have a clue where this conversation is going. All I know is that you say you have strong feelings for me, but I don't know who the fuck are you if you're not a driver or a handyman."

"OK. Sorry. Let me think."

Manuel moves his lips silently as he organized his thoughts and worked out what to say.

"First, my name really is Manuel and I'm not a driver or maintenance man. I actually earned an MBA, and right out of college I started a small security guard company with a tiny loan from my parents. We're sort of like upper middle class, so they have that kind of money, but I didn't really need much because I already had some clients going in.

"I grew the company pretty quickly and we expanded to security in general. I grew it big enough to attract some investors who wanted to buy me out. I only own one percent of the company now, but I started selling them pieces of my interest over two years. They would always offer me more money for each chunk of my interest I sold. In the end, they wanted to buy me out completely, but I stood firm about not selling out completely. They gave me a shit ton of money the last time and agreed to let me keep one percent but only under the condition that I no longer work there.

"I'm not insanely rich--- I'm not like--- private jet rich. But I really don't have to work for the next few years."

"So why the fuck are you driving people for Cassilda and working on the estate?" Ambrose asked in confusion.

"I---," the big man breathed deeply, "I don't work for Cassilda."

"But that can't be, you drove us, you work in Carcosa."

"Well, yeah--- I do things--- and I do them for real, but I'm not an employee."

Ambrose was speechless. He didn't know what any of this meant for him going forward.

"Look. I only left the company like seven months ago. I'm a young guy, and uh, I'm going to do something in the near future because I just have to, but I wanted to take some time off. Except I didn't know what to do with myself. I'm not a huge partier but I do like it on occasion and my friends were always trying to get getting me to get me to go to clubs and things more often. I decided to try living a party lifestyle for a while."

Manuel paused.

"One of my friends introduced me to Cassilda. I later found out he was on the hook with her for something and I haven't been able to reach him for a while. I thought she was strange, that she was a freak, and I wasn't sure I wanted to know her. To be honest, at the time, I don't think I even wanted to know that such a person existed. Right away, she wanted to have sex with me, but she was way outside of my comfort zone. She tried to hide it, but she was shocked that I turned her down.

"I'm pretty sure you're not aware of this but Cassilda provides entertainment."

"What kind of entertainment?"

"Umphhhhhhhhh," he breathed out nervously. "Like, people to party with."

"You mean for sex. She provides people to fuck?" Ambrose started getting woozy. Was that what he was? A prostitute essentially? With Cassilda his pimp.

"Did you pay to fuck me?" There was much anger in his voice.

"No, no no no. Seriously no. Don't even think that.

"At first, she tried to seduce me, but like I said, she kind of scared me, and to be honest Miss Amanda, I've always been attracted to transwomen but more so to siss--- people like--- you--- like feminine guys. But for me, I'm always looking for something beyond sex.

"It's always about the sex with them and submission. That's just how most of them see it because they fetishize me. I don't really like that, but I put up with it because I try to see if something deeper can happen but eventually, they leave when they see I'm not going to treat them like shit or get into race play. I'm more--- serious than they want."

"I'd be lying if I said she didn't hook me up with a few femboys. But no, I didn't pay her for sex with them or to make love to you. She never even bought that up. Plus, she made you sound different than the others."

"Look. All I need to know is, how did we get here." Ambrose tried to sound icy, but he was too upset.

Manuel took a breath and continued. "One day out of the blue, she told me she had a proposition for me, something that I'd like. She wouldn't say what, but she talked to me differently than she did before. It was like she figured out how to talk to me."

"Manuel! Get to the fucking point!"

Ambrose was surprised at himself and to see the big man startle.

"She told me about you. But she said that what you were doing here was living out a fantasy and that after a while, when you got tired of it, you were going to look for someone to get serious with. She said you were really committed to the life you were living here. She made it sound like you were role playing twenty-four-seven, that it was a like full time sexual cosplay. I don't know. She just convinced me to meet you because she thought we might like each other.

"I agreed to role play but honestly, with the little that I know now, I think she did something to soften me up to the idea. The truth is that I was set up in your life on purpose."

"Cassilda eventually gets her way even if she has to force it." Ambrose said bitterly.

"I learned that, eventually. I just found this whole thing insane when I first met you, but at the same time, I really liked you. So I got involved in all this against my better judgement."

"But you saw the way they treated me. Didn't it occur to you that you were helping them victimize me? I mean, if you're so nice, why would you even get involved with all this?"

"Miss Amanda, I hadn't been around Cassilda all that much at the time, but I had already seen some crazy shit around her parties, and I've met a lot of crazy freaks through her. She convinced me that you were into all the stuff she did with you. But keep in mind, she made it sound like something you were only doing temporarily before you moved on with real life. I'm telling you this now because I was kind of slow in seeing something was off. You were too convincing."

Ambrose remembered how easily Cassilda manipulated him, even going so far as to cut off the signals from libido to his penis from over a hundred miles away. It was entirely possible that she manipulated Manuel.

"Cassilda probably made you more--- approving of what was happening here. You're probably right about that. Think about it. You said she freaked you out when you met her and yet you seem to be fine with this insane mansion and the crazy things that go on in here." Ambrose head was pounding. He rubbed his temples.

"So you wait until after you fucked me to tell me all this?" His close his eyes in anger once more.

"Miss Amanda, when I came up here tonight, I thought you were going to tell me that you weren't interested in me in that way."

That he had a point did not diminish Ambrose' confused feelings.

"But you moved so fast, and I wanted you so bad, I didn't have time to think."

Ambrose opened his eyes and emptily looked at a spot in the air.

"Cassilda never stops playing games."

"What does that mean for us?" said Manuel worriedly.

"It means I can't be angry at you because like me, you got caught in Cassilda's web and now I think we're both fucked." The truth was that he didn't want to be angry at Manuel.

"You did something to her. You hurt her or insulted her or maybe you did something you're not even aware of, but you should have known better, or it could just be that you turned her down when she wanted to fuck you, or it could also be that she just likes fucking with people no matter what."

"Or it could have been an arrangement with my so-called friend, to get him off the hook. But then, I haven't been able to reach him, so I don't know."

"She brought us together because she knows we were meant for each other and she needs to twist the knife she stuck into me and to punish you. And now I know she has something awful in store for me."

Ambrose got off the bed and looked Manuel in the eye with tears welling up in his eyes. "She'll let us be together because she wants us to fall in deeper and then, when it suits her, she'll never let us be together again."