Helping Her, Saving Me

I picked it up, feeling strangely nostalgic for my younger self. I'd been good at English Literature, but it was very uncool to admit to that kind of thing. My teachers had despaired of me. I think, looking back, they could see that I had some talent, a spark for the subject, but of course I'd been too ignorant and arrogant to let them coax it out of me. I'd sat the exam and passed it, but with nothing like the flying colours I suspected deep down I was capable of. As for going on to study anything further at university -- god no. I had wanted to get out into the real world, earn some money, have some fun. Besides, studying was hard.

Now, looking at this book, I was struck by the unpleasant sense that perhaps that had been the wrong choice.

I took it into the living room, planning to flick through it and see if I could remember any of it, just for fun. In five minutes I thought I'd probably be bored with it and have moved onto the safer, if less challenging, delights of Netflix. But when Penny came home four hours later, I was still reading.

"That's my book," she said, vaguely accusing.

"Yes," I said. "Sorry. I was just... flicking through it."

She looked at me doubtfully, as if suspecting I had some secret motive.

"Do you need it back? I've nearly finished."

"You read the whole thing!"

"Um... most of it, yes. I've read it before though." I don't know why I felt defensive about it, but I did.

She looked incredulous. I can't say I blame her.

"I don't need it tonight. Keep it until tomorrow, if you want."

"Thanks."

With a final dubious look she disappeared upstairs. I reflected, a little gloomily, that that had been our longest conversation for quite a while.

Then I sat down, and read a little more about King Lear, Macbeth, Othello, and Hamlet. Broken families, murder, greed, lust, jealousy and revenge. Just what I was in the mood for, really.

**

After that I got the study bug in a big way. I didn't make the mistake of borrowing any more of my niece's textbooks. For some reason I was rather self-conscious about wanting to catch up on my education. Instead I started spending my afternoons at the local library, which had the two great advantages of being very well-stocked and practically empty most of the time. Initially I just sat and read, but after a while that didn't satisfy me. I wanted to write some of my ideas down, as if to prove to myself I could do it. A number of the books had suggested essay topics at the end of each chapter, and I started trying to do some of those. My first efforts were laughable, just a few scribbled paragraphs before I ran out of inspiration and ideas. I think I was trying too hard.

That stalled me for a while. I started thinking that I'd been right the first time around, and it was best not to get ideas above my station. Who was I kidding, thinking that somehow in my mid-thirties I was going to suddenly change direction and finish the education I'd abandoned two decades earlier? Why did I even want to? I was a copywriter for web pages and an expert on search engine optimisation. What was the point in reading all these old books and then reading more books about the old books?

But, like the proverbial moth to the flame, they kept calling me back.

It was Pride and Prejudice that was my breakthrough.

Discuss how both the two main characters could be said to be guilty of both the vices mentioned in the title.

Well, duh, I thought, in my best literary manner. Too easy.

And there, in the library, on my laptop, I opened up a new document and started typing. I wrote about two thousand words almost without stopping. It wasn't brilliantly structured, and it was probably repetitive in places, but it was as if I had suddenly found all the missing pieces I needed. I suddenly thought to myself, yes, I can do this. And that confidence, as any writer or student will tell you, is absolutely crucial.

When I was done, I stared at it in delight. Then I looked around at the empty rows of desks all around me. I'd made a breakthrough, of some sort. But -- excuse my French -- what the fuck was I supposed to do with it?

**

"I need some money for some driving lessons."

Eight whole words. A veritable deluge. I looked at my niece.

"How much are they?"

She told me.

"Jesus! How many do you need?"

"As many as it takes to get my license."

"But that could be... ten! Twenty... even more!"

"Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"I didn't mean that. But... it took me ages to learn to drive."

"You probably didn't try very hard."

There was almost certainly some truth in that, but it was still an annoying jibe from a girl barely half my age.

"I'll teach you."

"God no! I'll get Belinda - Mrs Spencer - to teach me. She's teaching Ellie and Jessica."

"Do they wear clothes in the car?"

"Ha ha. Very funny." She glared at me, but I was used to that.

"How about money for... ten lessons to start with? I bet that's all I need."

"Nope. I'm going to give you lessons." I didn't really want to, of course. But that was my stubborn pig-headedness getting in the way again.

I got another withering look, and an exasperated sigh.

"Fine. Come on then."

"What, now?"

"If you're going to teach me, let's get started."

I groaned inwardly. I should have just given her the money.

**

We did a few miles while I watched her and made some small suggestions and comments. It turned out her mother had given her half-a-dozen or so lessons before she died. Penelope wasn't bad -- she was a bright girl, I grudgingly admitted, and when she applied herself to something she gave it her full, focussed attention. But she was also nervous, self-conscious, and trying much too hard, treating the car and its controls like an enemy to be forced into submission than an ally. She knew what to do, just lacked confidence in her ability to do it.

I directed her a little way out of town, where there were some quieter roads.

"OK," I said. "Drop me off here."

"What?"

"Drop me off here. Then go on for a couple of miles, until you can find a place to turn around, then come back and pick me up."

"Why?"

"Because you can. You can drive. You don't need me there. So prove it."

"But... that's illegal!"

"You going to call the police?"

"No -- but what if they stop me?"

"Why would they? There's nobody around out here anyway."

She considered.

"And you're just going to wait here for me to come back?"

"Yup."

A sly smirk appeared on her face. It wasn't overly charming, but it was the closest thing to a smile I'd ever seen from her, so it was welcome.

"And what if I go home another way and leave you out here?"

"Then I'll have a long walk back, and you can make your own dinner."

She thought about it for another moment. I could tell she was torn, but very tempted.

"You think I can do it?"

"Of course." I got out of the car. "See you in five or ten minutes. Don't run anybody over. Especially me."

"Oooh, that is tempting." A proper smile now. And for a moment she looked so like her mother it hurt.

With a final, hesitant glance at me she put the car back into gear, released the handbrake, and rolled jerkily back onto the road. And then she drove off, round a corner, and was gone. I heard a painful gear change and smiled to myself. She'd be reprimanding herself over that, I knew.

I walked a little way along the road and found myself a gate to lean against. I browsed my phone for messages but there was no signal so I put it back in my pocket and waited for her. I admit, I was a little nervous. This was a gamble, but one I thought was worth making. I could remember the first time I'd taken a car out on my own, and how suddenly it had transformed how I felt about the whole business of driving.

About ten minutes later I heard her coming back. A smoother gear change as she went up a small hill. As she got closer I saw the broad grin on her face and I heaved a mental sigh of relief. She pulled over and -- rather sweetly -- leaned over and opened the passenger door for me.

"That was great!"

"Well done."

"I mean... that was really naughty! But wow... it just felt... so different!"

She was glowing.

"I can't wait to tell the girls I did this!"

"Um," I said. "Maybe we'd better keep it to ourselves."

She pouted. "Oh, all right. But -- can we do that again tomorrow?"

"Sure. Now try and get us home without killing us. That would really spoil things."

"I can totally do that!"

Her enthusiasm and delight was charming and rather infectious. I looked out of the passenger window, turning my head so she couldn't see me smiling.

**

After that the relationship between us was considerably better. I wouldn't say we suddenly became best buddies, but she was certainly more cordial and communicative when she was home. Which wasn't often -- she still came home quite late most days. I guessed she was spending a lot of time with Jessica and Ellie at their house. This still grated a little, but if I forbade her to go there I had absolutely zero chance of enforcing it. I knew deep down it would also be a petty, spiteful thing to do.

We went out in the car several times a week. If it wasn't raining we would sometimes repeat the exercise of leaving me somewhere while she drove herself alone for a while. When I was in the car with her she was quietly receptive to my advice, and we even mastered the art of parallel parking relatively painlessly and with only a few minor bumps.

I found a routine that worked for me, mainly doing work for my clients in the mornings and then adjourning to the library in the afternoons. I still didn't know what I was doing, but I'd worked out a study plan for myself and, for whatever reason, I found myself not only sticking to it but relishing it.

I came home one day late from the library to find Penny in the living room with two other girls. One was about Penny's age, the other slightly older. I recognised the older one who was a blonde, very attractive girl, though she was wearing clothes this time.

"Hey!" said Penny, with much more enthusiasm than I was used to.

"Hey," I said.

"So... this is Ellie and Jessica." They smiled a little nervously at me, and I did the same to them.

A slightly uncomfortable silence followed. Then Ellie looked at Penny, and nudged her.

"They... I mean... we were wondering," said Penny. "You're such a good driving teacher... that maybe... you could give some lessons to them too?"

I was more than a little taken aback.

"Er... I thought... you said they were getting lessons from their mother?"

There was a slightly embarrassed silence.

"They are," said Penny. "But... they'd like some extra ones, with you."

"Oh," I said. "I don't think... does your mother... would she be OK with that?"

Ellie spoke for the first time. "It would be... better if she didn't know."

Another short silence.

Jessica said, "I mean, she's great. But... she's not... I mean... she's not the best teacher. Ellie should really have her license by now, but she's failed twice. Not that it's mum's fault... Not really."

"Ah," I said, some understanding finally creeping in.

"The thing is," said Ellie. "She's not like... a totally brilliant driver herself."

"Ah," I said again.

"Just a few lessons," said Penny, looking at me with a beseeching, puppy-ish look that I wasn't used to. "Ellie wants to take her test again next month, and it would be so cool if Jess and I could take it at the same time too."

"Um," I said. Always good to vary one's single syllable responses, I think.

"Please," said Jessica. She was as pretty as her sister, with slightly darker hair and a paler skin.

"It would be very kind of you," said Ellie. "Even one lesson would help."

"But not really," said Penny. "You need at least four or five." She turned to me, and I saw her eyes were sparkling. "And you're going to do it, aren't you?"

"Why?" I said, a little disgruntled at her presumption.

"Because... you're actually slightly nicer than everybody thinks."

There was an awful lot to unpick that last statement, very little of it flattering, but I decided to take it in the spirit of rapprochement in which it was clearly intended.

"Fine," I said. "But just four lessons each. And a lesson is no more than forty-five minutes."

"Yay!" said Penny.

"Thanks so much," said Jess, and gave me a warm smile.

"Yes," said Ellie. "Thank you ever so much." She gave me a slightly more considered look. Friendly, yes, but something else too. I wasn't quite sure what, but it both unsettled me and excited me in equal measure. She was her mother's daughter, I suspected, capable of switching from friendly charm to icy fury in the blink of an eye.

"And," I said awkwardly. "Obviously I'll need one of you others to be there as a passenger when it's Ellie or Jessica's turn for a lesson."

"Why?" Jessica was perplexed.

Penny sighed. "In case he tries to rape you, silly."

"Oh." Jessica blushed. "I hadn't thought of that." She looked at me. "But you're not a rapist, are you?"

Ellie gestured graphically with her hand -- a sharp, vicious movement. "Even if he was, which he's not, you just grab him in the nuts, twist, and squeeze hard. Remember what mum told us?"

Yikes.

Ellie looked at me again. "But yes, agreed. You'll have a chaperone at all times, Mr Kemp."

"Thank you. And, er, I suppose you can call me... Rob."

"When can we start?" Jessica had recovered her composure. "Can I go first?"

"Hey - I'm older! And I've got my test already booked!"

I said, "How about a joint lesson, so I can see what level you're at. Ellie drives us out of town, Jessica drives us back."

This was considered an acceptable compromise all round. Penny said she would join us too.

And so, to my mild astonishment, I found myself in the passenger seat with a carful of teenage girls. The girls were initially a little shy with a man in the car, but that soon faded as we headed out into the countryside. Soon there was a fairly constant chit-chat, most of which meant very little to me -- school stuff, mild gossip about other people at school and in the town, forthcoming plans for the weekend.

It was soon evident that Ellie was already quite an accomplished driver, but she did have a tendency to forget to use her mirrors. This led to some good-natured teasing, of course.

"Who'd have thought there was a mirror that Ellie didn't look at every ten seconds?"

"Me! You're the vain one. You're the one who begged for a nose job for your eighteenth birthday!"

"I did not! I just said I didn't like my nose and maybe I'd like to do something about it one day."

"But your nose is so cute!"

"It's all crooked!"

"It really isn't, Jess."

"Eyes on the road, Ellie... you're drifting to the middle."

"Oh fuck! Sorry."

"Don't kill us Ellie!"

"Though maybe if we crashed my nose would look better."

"We love your nose. Never change your nose. Now, your hair, on the other hand..."

"What's wrong with my hair?"

"You've got to be more adventurous. You still wear your hair like a twelve-year-old."

"I do not!"

"How about you, Mr Ke... I mean, Rob? Do you like my hair?"

"Er... yes."

"He would say that. He's a guy. He doesn't know anything about hair."

"How about my nose?"

"Your nose... look, your nose is perfectly... charming, but... I think we have to introduce some new rules. No talking, unless it's to do with driving."

This led to a chorus of contemptuous protest from all three of them, and I sighed. But honestly, although I felt about a hundred years old compared to them, I felt strangely happy as Ellie drove us along.

**

My limit of four lessons somehow became five and then six and then was quietly forgotten. The weeks passed and all three girls became increasingly competent drivers, though of the three, Jessica lacked confidence and was the most prone to doubt herself. Her sister was always the first to reassure her, but Penny would usually only be a second or two behind. There was a real camaraderie between them all and I reflected more than once that perhaps letting Belinda look after Penny would have been the better move. So what if they were nudists? They seemed a lot more loving and a lot less dysfunctional than my own family had been.

I convinced myself that I'd done the right thing, but on a deeper level I knew that was because I was actually enjoying myself more than I expected. I wasn't any kind of father replacement to Penny, it was far too late in the day for that, but I did genuinely like her. And I liked her friends. When we returned home from our outings and the girls piled out of the car to go off to Penny's room or go out or whatever they did next, I would feel a pang of loneliness. Just a small one, but unmistakeable.

**

They somehow arranged to have their tests on the same day, Ellie in the morning then Jessica and Penny in the afternoon. I was on tenterhooks until I heard back. Then, around 4pm, I received a barrage of smiling emojis from Penny and I punched the air.

Relaxing for the first time, I got a beer from the fridge and settled down in an armchair with my current book. It was on nineteenth century poetry and I was finding it a bit of a slog, frankly. Some parts of literature were such a joy that it didn't feel like work or study at all. Other parts -- definitely not so much. So when the doorbell went I was grateful for the distraction. I didn't have many visitors. That understates it. I never had ANY visitors, unless you counted delivery drivers.

I opened the door and saw, to my surprise, it was Belinda. I hadn't seen her since the day I'd stalked away from her house, several months ago now.

"Oh..." I said. "Hello."

"Hello. Can I come in?"

I held the door open and she slipped past me into the hallway. She stood there for a moment, looking around at the stairway, the hallway table, down at the carpets. She seemed to be doing a kind of audit, and I bristled.

"Were you expecting us to be knee deep in pizza boxes and overflowing rubbish bags?"

She didn't respond to the aggression in my voice.

"No. I was just remembering when Sally lived here. She liked this house a lot. She was happy here. Can we sit down?"

I followed her into the living room and we sat uneasily opposite each other, me in my usual armchair and her on the sofa opposite.

She saw the book open on the table beside me.

"Penny said you'd been studying a lot."

"She did?" So much for my attempts at discretion. I don't know why I was a little embarrassed by my belated attempts to finish my education, but I was.

"Always reading in the evenings. And a very regular visitor to the library."

I shrugged. "It passes the time."

She nodded. There was a pause.

"So... I wanted to say... thank you."

"What for?"

"For helping Ellie -- and Jessica -- with their driving."

She looked at me, a mixture of amusement and mild reproach in her eyes.

"Ah," I said. "I'm... they said...the thing is..."

I trailed off. "Sorry," I said. "How did you find out? Did they tell you?"

She held up her phone. "Modern technology. If you think I don't know where my daughters-- or at least their phones -- are every hour of the day, then you've never been a parent. So when I saw they were here, and then they were both out of town, moving quite fast -- and this was happening several times a week... it wasn't too hard to figure out."

"Sorry," I said again. "I should have told you."

She nodded. "You should. But... I forgive you. And, if I'm honest, I hated teaching them to drive. So I was actually quite glad when I saw you were doing it."

"It wasn't that much work. They're all very good drivers, really. Better than I was at their age."

"That's good," she said. "It's nice that you've been able to help them. Which is why I came over, really. I wanted to... apologise that we got off on the wrong foot." She paused. "I think, actually, you've been good for Penny."