Her

"Holy shit," Ade said, seeming equally breathless.

"That was good," she replied. "Like, really good." She ran a hand through her hair, brushing some of it back from her face for, like, a whole five seconds. "I'm a little disappointed though."

Ade turned halfway around, staring bug-eyed at her. "What?!"

Frankie bit her lip. "There was, like, the one minute at the beginning where she was brushing her teeth, and then, like... everything was exploding and it never let up. Not once!"

"And?"

"And," she said, drawing the word out slowly, "I was... maybe... looking for a slow point to... like..." She twitched when she felt something behind her, and was surprised to find Ade was twirling some of her dark brown hair around a finger.

"Something like that," Frankie purred, "yeah."

Ade chuckled, and when it looked like Ade was going to move, going to do something, Frankie felt that pull of intuition. The nudge to leap. She moved, turning, straddling Ade and planting herself in Ade's lap, and she kissed her best friend. A lot.

Confirmed, she thought. I've got it bad.

It was tender at first, a series of short pecks with each one lasting longer. Holding longer. Feeling longer. Her breath coming long and hard through her nostrils.

Her chest was rising and falling with dramatic swells when she sat back. Bare feet nestled in behind Ade's knees. Her hands were resting gently against Ade's ribs while Ade cupped her cheeks.

Ade had soft hands.

I like holding those, she thought, and I like it when they hold me. God, do I have to go through all of these things like a checklist before I'll just—

"I'm so gay," she blurted, softly, before kissing Ade again.

***

"—feeling a lot better," her dad said. "She hasn't got her taste or smell back yet, but Carol's been smoking since she was fourteen." He paused and smirked. "Didn't have much to lose, you know?"

Frankie snuggled deeper into her couch, squeezing a throw pillow between her legs that Ade had been using the night before. "Was Aunt Carol the one that burned that brisket that one Fourth of July party?"

"That was me," he said, flatly, "and it was Labor Day."

"Riiight," Frankie said. She ran her finger along the seam at the edge of the pillow, letting her nail drag and making a zipping sound. She liked touching it. Thinking about where it had been. "Hey Dad."

He peered out at her from the screen of her iPad. "Yes?"

She couldn't bring herself to look up from the pillow as she said, "What... What would you say if you found out that... that Jimmy was gay?"

Her dad coughed to cover a laugh, his eyes bulging. "Jimmy is..." Then he stopped and blinked at her. "Jimmy." It wasn't a question.

"Yeah," she said, still avoiding eye contact. Eighty percent avoiding eye contact, twenty percent staring at the pillow where Ade had rested her arm.

"We're talking about Jimmy. Your brother."

"Yeah," she said, artlessly plucking at a stray thread.

He made a long, drawn out sound, somewhere between "aww" and "uhhhh". Then he licked his lips, shuffled around in his chair to sit more upright, and smiled. "If Jimmy came to me and told me that he was gay, I would—"

"It's me," Frankie said, interrupting him and planting her forehead in her hand. "It's me. I don't know why I said Jimmy. I shouldn't have. It's me. We're talking about me."

"You shock me," her dad replied, smirking lopsidedly as he normally did.

Frankie, upon realizing that he was not, in fact, shocked, brushed all the hairs back from her face and stared down at the screen. "You... what?"

"Your mother guessed it. Long time ago."

"Dinah?"

"No." He got that faraway look in his eye, as he did whenever he talked about Frankie's birth mother. "I don't know how she knew, but she called it. I told her she was crazy." Then he added, a bit more wistfully, "Probably not right to say she guessed. She always knew."

"Mom was the best," Frankie replied softly.

"I wish you could come to visit, kiddo. I'd really like to give you a hug."

"I know, Dad. Me too."

"Soon, though?"

"As soon as I can," Frankie said, feeling her throat tighten. "I gotta let you go, Dad. I um..."

He nodded in understanding. "Talk to you tomorrow?"

Frankie nodded, finding it hard to make eye contact again, and added, "Tell Dinah I love her." Then she pulled the tablet tight against her chest, sandwiched the pillow against the back of it, and hugged both of them tightly while she cried.

***

"That's good," Ade said, as Frankie moved through a turning leap. "Real good."

"I can do better," Frankie panted. "I just..." She wiped the back of her sweat-covered hand across her sweat-covered brow, smearing it, and then whipped her hand back and forth. The sweat still made it to her eyes, though.

As she turned, her vision blacked out completely. The soft whump of a towel, as it settled over her entire face, was not loud enough to hide Ade's surprised guffaw.

"I'm so sorry!" She didn't sound apologetic, trying to squeeze the words out in the midst of side-splitting laughter. "Oh shit, I thought you were looking!"

Frankie just smirked, beet-red, as she reached for the towel and started wiping. Ade was leaning against the wall, still laughing, when she threw the towel back, but her aim was terrible. She glared in mock irritation as she turned and stalked to the door, and then peered out into the rest of the studio. The light was on in Madam Castillo's office, but the tumbling class next door had let out.

It took her exactly one second to cross the room and kiss Ade.

Frankie loved kissing Ade. They were of a height, with Ade edging her out by a couple of inches, but that made their interactions so much more even. She didn't get a kink in her neck any time she wanted to try something.

More importantly, though, Ade had the most incredible lips. The bow of them was so pretty. Frankie had found herself staring at them often.

After a few seconds, Ade leaned her head forward so that their foreheads were touching, and their noses were touching, but their lips were slightly parted.

"I need to say something," she said, breathlessly. "I think I need to say it, like, out loud."

"Okay," Frankie replied. Each deep breath filled her lungs with the heady scent of Ade. "Did I do something wrong?"

Ade's grip on the back of her scalp intensified, and when she shook her head it turned Frankie's head too. "No, I just—"

"You can tell me if I did. I promise."

Ade looked up, staring directly into her eyes, with minute twitches as she shifted her focus from eye to eye. "I've been afraid to do more... than this. Even though I really want to."

"With me?" Frankie asked.

Ade's burst of laughter made her feel just a little embarrassed, but it also made her want to run around the room in childish glee.

"Yes, with you. Dope."

"Is that why you stopped... after the movie?"

"Yeah," she said.

"I thought something was up," Frankie said. "I didn't want to say anything."

Ade licked her lips, which made them glisten, which made Frankie want to kiss them, which she resisted. Barely.

"I'm afraid," she said, carefully, "of... opening up, and showing you, you know... and then for you later to be, like..."

Frankie blinked. "Straight again?"

Ade just looked at her. This time, Frankie did kiss her.

"That probably wasn't helpful," Frankie murmured, their lips still pressed together.

"Nice though," Ade whispered back.

"I get it. I totally get it. I'm afraid of my feelings too. I mean, I took you out on a secret date that only I knew about because I wasn't positive. How can anyone ever know something like that?"

Ade laughed. "What if, like, it's not as good? What if it's not what you built it up to be in your head?"

"What if I look in the toy box and run screaming?" Frankie offered.

This earned her a broken, jangling laugh, and this was telling. Ade always had a lot of composure.

"Have I ever told you," Frankie said, "that I'm scared of my parents basement?"

"You don't say," Ade replied, giving her a flat smirk. "No, never specifically, but you made me come with you to get a tablecloth for Thanksgiving that one year and used that giant-ass flashlight even though the lights were on."

"Have I ever told you thaaaat... I'm scared of hot dog stands? That there's no way those things could stand up to a health inspection, and it freaks me out?"

"Are you just trying to demonstrate that being afraid of anything is silly? Because, I don't think that really applies."

Frankie thought for a moment. "Have I ever told you that I'm scared to go to my mom's grave?"

Ade just looked at her, standing still and blinking, but Frankie couldn't bring herself to look up and meet her gaze.

"I've never been. I wouldn't get out of the car when they had the service, and I never went back. Like, I..."

"You haven't been back?"

Frankie sniffled and shook her head. "At a certain point, it became too complicated. Too heavy."

Ade nodded, very slowly, and said, "I read somewhere that Wheat Thins have an allowable tolerance for bug parts."

"What?" Frankie cried, stopping the tears just before they threatened to start falling.

"Yeah, it's like... like it can be five percent bugs and that's okay. Haven't been able to bring myself to look at them the same way."

"Where did you read that?"

"I swear it was on the box," she said, laughing and shaking her head, "but it's been a while. I could be wrong."

Frankie nodded and sniffed, and said, "I'm afraid to think about us making this Patreon thing successful because, like, if it's just a subscription service and everyone unsubscribes on the same day, where does that leave us?"

"They're not all gonna—"

"I know they're not," Frankie insisted, "but still! Thinking about that made me realize that I think I still wanna teach. I like teaching. Here, somewhere else... Our own place. Who knows?"

Ade said, slowly, "Our own place?"

Frankie shrugged.

"You think about that?"

"Yeah," she said, nodding. "It's okay to be afraid of stuff. Being afraid means you don't take it for granted, and try to be real about it. I barely know who I am today, and I can't promise who I'm gonna be, you know, tomorrow. Metaphorically." When Ade rolled her eyes, Frankie stepped closer, took her hands, and added, "What I know is that... when I think about us together, and when we're together? I light up. My whole... everything. It's just... tingling from head to toe."

Ade swallowed audibly.

"Is that what it feels like for you?"

Her friend, her best friend, took a long, slow breath, and instead of an answer Ade pulled out her phone, tapped at it, and held it out in front of her like a small tray.

"What's up," came a voice from the phone that Frankie didn't quite recognize.

"Coral," Ade said, making direct eye contact with her. "Hey. Listen. You and Jodi need to find somewhere else to be tonight."

"What?" Ade's roommate said, sounding frustrated. "How soon? I mean... ah... fuck. Okay. Like... thirty minutes?"

"That'll be fine."

"And then, what, I still owe you one after that, right? For last month?"

"Something like that."

"Fine," Coral grumbled. "What about tomorrow morning? What time?"

Ade looked at Frankie.

She looked back, and silently mouthed, Breakfast?

Ade gave her a long look, and said, "Make it ten."

"Fine," Coral grumbled, even less amiably. "See you tomorrow."

After Ade put the phone away, Frankie said, "I kind of hate your roommates."

"My lease is up in a month," Ade said, biting her lip, "and if you think I haven't been counting the days, you'd be wrong."

Frankie's lease was up in three months, but she slammed on the metaphorical brakes before those wheels started turning in earnest. She had much more immediate concerns.

***

All the lights were off in Ade's apartment when they arrived forty minutes later ("Just for good measure," Ade had said). Frankie was a nervous wreck, for so many reasons, and felt like she was just barely keeping herself upright.

"Girls?" Ade said, as she walked through the living room. "You here?"

Frankie said nothing. She wasn't sure she'd be up for facing either one of them. Coral was kind of a bitch, but at least Coral was up front about it. Frankie had never been able to read Jodi in the least, and not in a good, fun, mysterious way.

"Alright! I think they're gone!"

Frankie hadn't realized she was frozen in place at the front door until Ade came over to gently take her hand.

"Don't worry," she said. "I'm here."

Aside from watching a veritable mountain of lesbian porn, which her thinking brain knew probably wasn't indicative of anything real but her heart had created expectations around, Frankie only really knew one thing about the kind of sex that Ade had; Ade liked toys. She had talked about a number of them at length over the years, in conversations Frankie could now see she had soaked up like a sponge. A thirsty, horny sponge.

Staring down the barrel of it, though, Frankie was finding that she was equal parts thirsty, horny, and nervous. Terribly, terribly nervous.

For her part, Ade seemed not to notice. Having gotten her fears out back at the studio, she was all excitement and twitchy joy. She pulled Frankie down the hall like getting there faster meant—

It was at that moment, as she crossed that threshold, that Frankie realized that sex with Ade, and indeed sex with women in general, was likely going to last a lot longer. Getting there faster probably did mean there would be more of it. This revelation gave her complicated feelings, with strong notes of excited and intimidated. There were so many things that were going to be different, and her mind was in a rush to anticipate. She felt that old, familiar paralysis settling in.

Except, that wasn't it at all; it wasn't a paralyzing fear. Her nerves were affecting her but it was a nervous excitement, so much so that it was hard to tell the difference.

Without a word Ade slipped into her bathroom, leaving Frankie to stare in confused, excited horror at the plastic tub tucked innocently beside Ade's nightstand. Ordinary, gray, plastic. Also dread, but mostly confused and excited horror.

She knelt down in front of it, and was proud of herself for lifting off the lid without any hesitation. What she was faced with was, in a word, disappointing. She didn't recognize any of it. She dug around a little bit, moving a few things that looked like apostrophes aside, and finally found something near the bottom that she recognized; something she'd seen online when she was buying her own first toy. Something that drew her to it, or it to her.

"Whoa," Ade said, surprising Frankie so much that Frankie stood quickly, toy clutched in her hands. Ade looked down at it and smirked. "Interesting choice." She reached for it, and Frankie flinched, drawing it closer to her own chest instinctively.

"No," Frankie mumbled. "I..."

"You don't want me to..." Ade drifted to a stop, eyes narrowing and then widening. "Oh."

Frankie couldn't verbalize what she was feeling. She just looked down at the toy in her hands.

"Okay," Ade said. She turned and gestured toward her bathroom, where the door was open and the light was on. "Go ahead."

Frankie went into the bathroom, and closed the door behind her on instinct. She paused, took a long breath, and then it was all quickness. Off went her cropped t-shirt, then slipped her arms out of her leotard and pushed that and her shorts down in one go. She had never felt so much like a woman as she did in that moment, naked and about to make love to another woman for the first time.

She reached down and touched herself, and was not surprised that she was already wet.

The toy was a little longer than her hand, fingers fully extended, with a nice upward curve and a pronounced head. It had a flexible, insertable base that, once she pushed it inside of herself, held the thing flush against her skin. When she had seen one like it online, sold under the oxymoronic name of a strapless strapon, Frankie had struggled to imagine the where, and the how. Now all she could think about was using it on Ade.

She didn't feel particularly special, or go out of her way to strike a pose as she left the bathroom, but Ade's expression and low whistle were more than she'd been expecting.

"That is a look," Ade said.

Despite the reaction, and the platitudes, it did not escape Frankie's notice that Ade had stripped down completely. In the soft, yellow, indirect light of her nightstand lamps, laying on her side with one hand propping up her head and the other resting gently on her hip, Ade looked like a dream. Her limbs seemed so long.

Perfect to get tangled up in, she thought.

The more she stared at Ade the more she realized that Ade was staring very intensely at her, which triggered a kind of bashfulness she had never known. She tried to put her hands on her hips and stand up straighter, for effect.

Ade said, "I can only get so turned on, you know." Then she laughed, patted her hip, and added, "Like, there's a hard limit."

Frankie looked down at herself. "I didn't prepare any good lines to use with this."

"Did you have some material for other situations?" Ade asked, brow arching fiercely as she pushed herself up to a seated position on the edge of the bed.

"No," she said, looking down at herself, "but this seems like the kind of thing that should inspire some wit."

"I'll forgive you this time," Ade said, as she planted her hands behind her and leaned back, "but next time I want your A game."

Frankie took a longer, more confident step forward, and her body began to tell her things. For one, her being wet had made the insertion of the toy much easier, but it also meant that coming out would be easier too. She adjusted her gait, planting her feet more in a line, which caused the tip of the dong to sway in front of her. For another, it seemed her body had some ideas of its own.

At no point in her relationship with Mark had Frankie ever done anything that approached control. At least, not in the bedroom anyway. Her flexibility had afforded him a near infinite number of positions to put her into, and this had become something she simply expected. Given the opportunity, though, she found that taking that role for herself came naturally.

As she approached, Ade smirked and spread her legs a little wider. She liked the way Ade's eyes moved over her body, taking in the whole of her, and it made her hungry. She reached for Ade's legs, hooking her fingers in behind the knees, and raised them. For her part, Ade rolled onto her back more fully, smiling brightly, and said nothing.

Immediately, there was trouble. On her back like she was, Ade's hips were very near to the bed, which meant that as Frankie crawled onto the bed toward her, she needed to widen her stance considerably to line herself up right. So wide, in fact, that once she was lined up, her hips did not have the flexibility to move forward. Or backward.

Ade was merely smiling at her, letting her explore at her own pace, which probably also meant that Ade knew how to do it better and was enjoying watching her flounder, which was both infuriating and made her want to kiss Ade.

She crawled over Ade, which she found she really liked doing, and kissed her profusely. She found, as she balanced herself on one arm so she could hold Ade's cheek, that when she was on top Ade's hands were all over her. Ade had such a gentle touch, a softness to her caress, that set Frankie's skin aflame. She wanted more of it. Much more.