Her Face

In the morning, I woke late. Looking out of the window, I saw, on the beach, Angie and Karin playing with the ball. As I watched Karin dropped the ball, and together they ran into the sea. I felt a stab of regret for what I was missing.

I hastened down to the dining room for a late breakfast, and asked if some sandwiches could be provided for my walk to the hills. The sandwiches produced, I set off on my walk.

I was used to walking alone and certainly, the rain forest was captivating enough, but I felt a sort of emptiness inside. The further I got from the hotel the more I felt I wanted to turn and go back. I wondered what the hell was going on with me. Tough old me, who didn't need anyone, except perhaps some girl to fuck occasionally. Now I was getting soft over a kid and her disfigured mother.

After about an hour walking I could not resist the urge to go back any longer. I began my return walk, and as I neared the hotel, I was almost running. I went straight to the beach, and they were gone.

I hunted around in the hotel and its environs. I inquired of the staff as to their whereabouts. No one knew. I felt ridiculous, but still went on looking.

Lunchtime and the waiter who had attended to my sandwich request looked at me curiously as I sat down to eat.

"Did we have a pleasant walk, sir?"

"Er…yes…well, I changed my mind."

"Would you, sir, happen to be seeking Mrs. and Miss Robbart?"

"Well, yes. I was wondering where they've got to."

"As it happens, sir, I did observe them leaving in Mrs.Robbart's car. I would surmise that they have gone to the town up the coast. There is a large shopping complex there."

"Thank you," I said a trifle absently.

"Damn and blast. Sod it," I said silently with more feeling. "I chucked in a decent walk and they've cleared off."

I managed to eat some lunch, and then wandered out to the front of the hotel. I tossed up whether to go for a swim or another walk along the beach. I did neither, but sat on a low wall at the front of the hotel and waited.

I waited for an hour and a half, constantly telling myself what a fool I was. Then a very expensive car pulled into the parking area, and out got Angie and Karin.

I had intended to act casually, but failed completely in that resolution. I rose and begin to move to them, when Karin saw me and ran towards me.

"Mr.Holbrook, Mr.Holbrook, look what I've got for you."

I was handed a small oblong parcel.

Angie had come up to us and said, "She did so want to give you something for being so kind to her yesterday."

What she gave me must have cost what I would have called "a fortune." When I opened a velvet-lined case, nestling inside was a heart shaped pendent on a chain; it was made of solid gold.

"Do you like it, Mr.Holbrook? Do you?"

"Karin, you mustn't ask people that when you give them a gift," said Angie.

"Karin, it's beautiful, very beautiful."

"Open the heart, Mr.Holbrook, please."

Karin was leaping up and down with excitement as I did as she asked. I nearly choked with emotion when I saw what was inside.

"I have a pendent very like that one, with her photograph in it," said Angie, "So when she saw this one in the jeweler's shop, nothing would do but we must get it for you. She had her photograph taken so she could put it in the heart."

I looked down at the photograph of a smiling Karin, and emotion nearly unmanned me. If I could have decently left them, I would have gone somewhere to cry.

"Do you like it, Mr.Holbrook?"

"Karin, what did I tell you?"

I swept the gyrating little bundle into my arms. "Darling, it's the loveliest present I've ever had. Thank you…thank you very much."

"Don't I get a kiss. I always give mummy a kiss when she gives me a present."

"Karin!" exploded Angie, but giving up simply raised her eyes heavenwards in a hopeless gesture.

I gave Karin her kiss without any difficulty.

Angie said, "Come along, Karin, we have to get ready to go to dinner."

Karin ran up the steps to the hotel entrance, but I stopped Angie for a moment.

"Angie, its wonderful present, but such an expensive one, for what, one day playing and walking with a little girl on a beach?"

For the first time, Angie deliberately turned her full face to me. "Peter, one day's playing and walking with a little girl and associating with her disfigured mother, might have meant more than you realise."

I went to protest, but she stopped me.

"Don't say it Peter. You don't believe it and neither do I. Just know that with that little golden heart, go our hearts."

She turned to flee up the step, but I touched her arm and said, "Please, may I have dinner with you both tonight?"

Once more she turned full faced towards me. "Of course, but please, let it be because you want to be with us, and not out of misguided pity."

"I shall look forward to spending the evening with you both."

Her eyes seemed to look into my soul for a moment, then she said, "Will you call for us at six o'clock?"

"Yes."

She turned and walked into the hotel.

I stood holding my gift, looking after her. "What the hell was going on? Were they trying to buy me? Why was I spending my precious week getting around with those two? Did Angie want a temporary daddy for Karin? Damn and blast; let her real daddy come and play with her."

I was bewildered. At every turn, I found myself caught in contradictions. One minute I wanted to hold little Karin in my arms, the next I wanted her far from me. And Angie? Well, what are women for? They're for bed, and not all that love garbage. Screw them and send them on their way had always been my motto. I don't want to be daddy to some other guy's kid, and I don't want any love stuff with someone else's secondhand damaged goods.

With these negative, anti-Angie and Karin thoughts, I stomped determinedly to my room. I'll get rid of these two.

At six sharp, I was knocking at their door.

Karin opened the door and said, "Mummy won't be a minute. Let's go down to the lobby and wait there. We can look at the people.

She took my hand, but I said, "It would be polite to wait for mummy."

"All right, come in then."

I entered with Karin still holding my hand. I was invited to sit on the sofa, and still not relinquishing my hand, she sat with me. We must have looked funny, a tiny little girl seated beside a six feet three man, holding hands.

Angie came in from their bedroom saying, "Sorry Peter, had a bit of a struggle zipping myself up. Would you mind pulling it up the last few centimetres, I don't seem to be able to manage it?"

I suppose this is where the "accident" happens. In fighting with the zip it somehow comes down instead of up. The dress falls to the floor exposing the naked body with full-breasts in resplendent view.

I have to tell you that the zip went up without any trouble, and nothing was exposed.

"I hope you don't mind, Peter, I've booked a table at the restaurant we've been going to?"

As I had failed to make any booking myself, and had been so busy wrestling around with my feelings I'd forgotten about that aspect anyway, I gratefully agreed to the arrangement. We set off with Karin between us, now holding both our hands. Angie, I noticed, had not arranged her hair to try and hide her disfigurement."

Arriving at the restaurant, I noted, with a tremor, that it looked very expensive. The menu did nothing to comfort me with its prices that went through the roof. I tried to do some quick mental arithmetic on what was left of my prize money. The rest of the week was going to be very tight financially.

At this point Angie said, "This is my treat, Peter."

The male ego thrust itself to the fore. "But I insist…"

"Yes, I thought you might, but just let me do this. I'll explain later."

Looking around while we waited for our meal to arrive - it being an expensive place we were kept waiting for some time – I understood why Angie frequented it rather than the hotel dining room. The lights were very dim, thus making her face less visible.

The ego quieted, I thoroughly enjoyed the evening, and on the way back to the hotel Angie asked, "Would you like to come in for a drink?"

I admit this invitation aroused a worm of suspicion in me. Throughout the evening, it almost seemed we were playing "Happy Families." The trouble was, I liked it. By coming "in for a drink," was there about to be an extension of "family life"?

Once inside their room Angie said, "I'd better get Karin to bed, it's well past her bed time. The drinks are over there. Help yourself, and I'll have a small brandy and dry"

Karin, who was nearly asleep anyway, kissed me good night with a weary, "Goodnight, Mr.Holbrook," and went off with her mother.

Angie was gone for nearly ten minutes, which seemed an excessive amount of time to put a child to bed. On her return she apologised, explaining that she always had a little talk with Karin about the day, read her part of a story, and said a prayer with her.

"Still playing 'Happy Families'," was my unworthy thought, plus a sneer from my agnostic self about the prayer.

Angie took a sip of her drink, looking at me as if weighing up what she ought to say.

"Peter, there's something I want to say to you."

"Yes?" (Very wary).

"I think you must be finding our behaviour a trifle odd."

"Well, I…"

"No, it's all right. I understand that it does seem a bit…shall we say…bizarre, eccentric even. I could tell by the look on your face, that when Karin gave you her present, you were puzzled. As you said, it seemed a very expensive gift for a little girl to give someone she'd known for hardly more than a day."

"I promise you that it really was her idea. You see, she has little idea of money and, to be frank with you, I can afford it."

I interrupted, "But the photograph would have been enough…"

"I know, but she so much wanted to give you the heart. I must say, you handled it rather well, given what a surprise it must have been."

"And the dinner tonight. Thank you for not going on with your male ego thing. I didn't want to say anything in front of Karin, but if you'd gone on, I might have had to. From the odd conversations we've had, I picked up that you are a student struggling on with not much money. I heard how you are in this hotel because of the prize you won. Unfortunately, someone on the hotel staff told one of the people stopping here, so in no time the word has got around."

"You must forgive me for what I'm now going to say, but I know you could not have easily afforded that restaurant, so I was certainly not going to let you pay the bill."

"The other thing is, I wanted to add my thanks to those of Karin for you're kindness and care for my little girl. I don't want to say any more, but as I said this afternoon, you probably don't know the true value of what you have done."

She ceased speaking, and I struggled for a response that would be adequate without pressing any of the questions that seethed in my head. I felt a sense of shame for my earlier thoughts, but at the same time wondered what was really going on – inside me, as well as with these two charming, yet slightly alarming, people.

A trifle lamely I said, "Karin is a lovely child. It hasn't been hard to play and walk with her."

I thought, "No, not hard to play and walk! The hard bit is afterwards when I've got feelings of…feelings I don't want to have like…like…like love, damn it."

"I'm off for a walk to the hills, tomorrow, why don't you and Karin come part of the way with me?" (Sod it, what have I said! Why do I always put my foot in it? Why can't I keep my mouth shut?)

"That is kind of you, Peter. Are you sure you want us…I mean…wouldn't you prefer to be on your own? We have intruded on your time quite a lot."

"I'd love to have you with me." – ("Shut up, you fool, you'll end up offering to adopt the kid if you go on like this.").

"Lovely, Peter. I'll order some sandwiches, shall I?"

"Would you? That'll be fine." – ("Why don't you just let her take over your life completely, idiot.")

Angie yawned. "Time for bed I think. I'll see you in the morning."

"Yes. We'll leave about nine thirty, if that's all right?"

"Certainly. Goodnight."

I went to my room not quite certain about whom I was anymore.

"She didn't invite me to complete the family evening with a bed time love story! Good God, with a face like…but…her figure as she came out of the sea…What the blazes are you thinking…as if…she's not that sort of…Why the hell can't Mr.Robbart arrive like the SAS and rescue me from all this nonsense? Damnation, I'm getting stiff."

I found it necessary to attend to my sexual needs by hand that night.

Next morning it was Karin hammering at my door.

"Mr.Holbrook, thank you for letting us come with you. Can we go now?"

The excitement of a child over what we adults take so matter of factly.

Somehow, her enthusiasm implanted itself into me. As we walked along there was a constant barrage of questions and comments from her.

"Mr.Holbrook, why is that tree silver instead of brown or green?" "Do any animals live in the trees?" "What do they eat?" "Will I be able to see one?" "I thought I saw a little brown animal," and so it went.

About midday, we stopped to eat, and it was decided that this was the point where they would turn back, leaving me to go on to the top of a hill I had set as my objective.

Karin protested; "Can't I go with Mr.Holbrook mummy, like the other day?"

"No darling, not this time."

"But mummy…"

I chimed in; "Not this time, sweetheart, it's very rough and I might not be able to carry you. You go back with mummy."

"Yes, Mr.Holbrook."

"Good God, I thought, I'm behaving just like a father."

I continued my walk, but I seemed to lose interest in the passing scene. The excitement of a child, seeing it all with fresh eyes – lovely grey-green eyes like her mother's, except… ("What the hell are you thinking, Holbrook?").

It took me a little over an hour to reach the top of the hill. I took in the view for ten minutes, and then started on my way back.

I passed the place where I had parted from Angie and Karin, and after another quarter of an hour, I heard voices that I soon identified as those of my two "girl friends." They were sitting at the side of the track.

At first I was alarmed, thinking one of them might have had a mishap and been hurt. Angie put me straight.

"Karin insisted we wait for you. She says it's not so much fun without you. I'm not sure what that says about me." She gave a contralto chuckle.

"Why is everything so becoming about this woman, except…?"

I joined with her laugh and said, "Well, Karin, do you think you can get all the way back without being carried?"

"Of course, Mr.Holbrook."

She couldn't, and I carried her the last half-hour. "Such a little thing. So delicate…" ("Stop it, Holbrook").

It was no use I was lost. For what was left of my holiday, my time was spent with the two of them. They would invite me, or I would invite them. We swam, walked, played and dined together. I might argue with myself, but no matter what negative conclusion I might arrive at, the mere sight of them now melted my resolution.

My time at the hotel came to an end, and I was to leave them. So many questions I had about this curious pair were unasked and unanswered.

Who, what and where was Mr.Robbart?

How had Angie sustained her injury?

What was the apparent wealth that they seemed to have?

Above all, how had we become entangled with each other? And why?

All the time the real relationship seemed to be between Karin and I. Angie stood on the sidelines, listening and watching. She was friendly and charming, but somehow, remote.

It was partly with relief, and partly with regret that I parted from them. Karin made it difficult.

She cried and clung to me asking, "Will you come and see me and play with me again? If you come to see me on my birthday, I'd like a spaniel puppy, please."

The now familiar voice of gentle admonition from Angie sang out. "Karin!"

"We'll see, darling. Goodbye."

I drove away. No addresses or telephone numbers had been exchanged. A line had been drawn under our association. I suppose it was a bit like those "Ship board romances" one hears about, that took place when the great liners plied between the continents. Hot and passionate for the voyage, but once disembarked, as if none of it had ever happened.

Except…except that hot and passionate hardly described what had happened, and it had not been "Ship Board." "No doubt they'll head for home and Mr.Robbart," I thought."

I was in the process of working for my doctorate, with a long way to go with my thesis. In the weeks following my hotel "holiday" I tried to get down to work, but those two damned females kept popping up in my mind. It fouled up concentration.

I could, I suppose, have looked them up in the telephone directory, but I thought of Mr.Robbart. He might, like the pub owner, prove to be seven feet tall, and of uncertain disposition where his wife was concerned. I sought no trouble with a jealous husband, even though nothing remotely resembling sex had occurred with Angie and I.

I tried to forget, and failed, then arriving one morning in the Physics Department, a colleague called out, "Holbrook, there's a telephone message for you. Someone called 'Angie Robbart'. Sounded pretty sexy. Wants you to ring her. The number's on the pad by the phone."

I pressed in the number, and quickly Angie's voice came over.

"Peter, I took a chance and rang the university, I wouldn't have bothered you, but I've got a bit of a problem. I know it's a big ask, but could you possibly come and see me?"

"Of course. What's the problem?"

Why was my heart beating like a pile driver?

"I'd rather not talk about it over the phone if you don't mind. What about coming over for dinner tonight?"

I had actually set up a date for the evening with some girl that I suspected I could bed fairly easily, so why did I say, "Of course I'll come"? ("Jesus, I must be out of my mind).

"I would appreciate it, Peter. You really are a dear. Seven o'clock, then?"

"Right."

She gave me an address that I recognised as being in one of the most affluent suburbs of our city. "Heavens, her old man must be well heeled."

"You really are a dear"? Couldn't recall anyone ever saying that to me before! We rang off.

By 6.55 p.m. I was ringing the bell of a very elegant though not overly large, house. My old Toyota, as it stood parked at the kerb, was very out of its league in this Mercedes Benz and Jaguar suburb.

There was a patter of feet, a struggle with the door handle, and then Karin was standing there, apparently dressed for bed.

Her arms went out to me. I picked her up and received a damp kiss.

"I told mummy you'd come to see me."

She snuggled into my neck. I did not want to admit it to myself at the time, but I can now. I liked it.

I was directed down a short passage and through a door into a room that proved to be a combination of kitchen, dining room and lounge. One seemed to flow into the other.

Angie was doing something at the cooking stove, and whatever it was, it exuded a delicious aroma.

She turned, and wiping her hands on her apron, she came towards me to shake hands.

"I'm so grateful you've come, Peter. I hope I haven't upset your evening."

I said, "Of course not." I thought, "Not nearly as much as it upset that girl when I cancelled our date."

We went into the "How are you," "How have you been," routine, with Karin, still in my arms, chattering on about her life and deed. "I go to school now." "It's my birthday in two weeks. I shall be six." " Would you like to see the picture I did today at school?"

"Would you mind, Peter, she did it specially for you."

I was shown the picture, which, I was informed, was of me and Karin swimming at the beach.