Heritage

"Rick! My god, are you ok?" I could hear the stress in her voice. "Where are you? What happened?"

I won't go into the details but I quickly lied and told her I had found out a boyhood friend had died yesterday, and I had left work and started drinking.

"My god, Rick. I called the cops and about all the hospitals. What were you thinking? Why didn't you call me? Didn't you hear your phone ringing consequently?"

"I guess the battery must have died."

"I can't believe you did this Rick. What the fuck?"

I knew she was mad. She never cussed at me. And at this point, she didn't know what I had found out.

I wanted to call her a cheating whore, tell her I knew my kids weren't mine, but I knew that was a bad idea. Last night, sitting in that bar before the alcohol overtook my reasoning, I realized the last thing that I wanted was for my boys to ever find out I wasn't really their father. I WAS their father dammit, and I had to do everything I could to protect that. I was probably going to divorce Trish, but the boys couldn't find out they weren't mine.

When I got home, the boys were gone. Trish had banished them to the neighbors who had kids their age. I knew there was hell to pay, and Trish let me have it with both barrels. She could see how hungover I was. Her yelling sounded like a megaphone in my ear. I didn't say a word as I went to the cabinet for Tylenol.

I did apologize for not calling her, and I told her I know I frightened her, but other than that, I wasn't very nice. I think she thought my extreme hangover was the cause of my silence. Between my hangover and the fact that my family life was in shambles, I just wasn't in the mood for an argument.

My lack of contrition didn't go over well with Trish. After raking my ass over the coals for about 15 minutes she realized I wasn't really listening. It seemed impossible but her mood worsened.

She stopped yelling at me and said nothing for about twenty seconds. "Your friend died, I get it. I know you are a sensitive guy, but there is no excuse for not calling me. I thought you were dead. Your ass is in the guest room until further notice."

After all the drama and yelling, when a whisper was too loud for my pounding head, this worked for me. The last thing I wanted was to be in the same bed with Trish. The woman who had cuckolded me into raising two kids that weren't even mine. I had a lot of thinking to do, and the guest room seemed like the perfect place.

****

Trish was colder than cold for the next few days. Even over the weekend, she had just taken the boys to the movies and didn't even ask me if I wanted to go. As I said, that was fine with me. Us not talking was just fine.

This went on for about two weeks. I think Trish was expecting me to apologize, and when I didn't, she was perpetually pissed off. I had used the time to do some investigations, but I couldn't find out anything useful about her time at the insurance agency. I considered hiring a private detective, but it seemed like a waste.

The boys were my only real concern. I figured if the biological father hadn't been involved with the boys up to this point, he probably didn't want to be. In fact, I prayed Trish hadn't even told the fucker.

****

After a few weeks of the cold war, I decided to make peace, so I bought flowers and took Trish to a nice dinner. I had been monitoring her closely and realized I didn't think she was actively involved in an affair. I still wasn't sure what I was going to do, but our cold war needed to end.

Over the next few weeks, Trish and I had mostly gone back to our normal routine but something was off. It was me. I realized I couldn't hold it together and act like a loving husband to my cheating wife. My resentment was going to fester, and eventually, I would blow a gasket.

I decided to file for divorce and hoped Trish would tell me how it all went down. I decided to act like I didn't know the boys weren't mine. I would tell her that a former colleague of hers ratted her out. If she believed me, I knew she wouldn't bring up the boy's being the result of a sperm donor. I was formulating a plan to separate from Trish but not lose my sons.

The boys were born over two years apart. She had had a long term affair, and I knew some of her friends or colleagues must have known. Trish would think one of them had finally spilled the beans.

I found a lawyer. We met and I found out all the information I needed to provide him. It was going to take some time and I decided I no longer wanted to deal with the rift between Trish and me. The lawyer said to file separation papers first, and they would complete the divorce paperwork over the next couple of weeks. We would serve her the separation paperwork on Friday, then hopefully I could have my 'talk' with Trish that night and over the weekend. This would give us a couple of days to help the boys understand that their mother and father were no longer going to be together. Thinking of the upcoming conversation tore my heart out.

The only person I would tell before Trish received the paperwork would be my mother. My father had died five years ago and my 79-year-old mother lived in an assisted living facility. She had fractured a hip 3 years ago and had a hard time getting around. The place was like a hotel with each resident having their own room.

****

I took Friday off. I didn't know what time Trish would be served, but I figured, shortly after it happened, she would want to talk.

Mom was surprised to see me on that Friday morning. My boys, Trish and I saw her regularly. It wasn't always all of us, but I visited her every weekend. We also took her with us at least once a month. She would come back home with us for dinner, or we'd go to a movie but she always returned to her room before the day was over. I know she felt safe and comfortable there.

I signed in and they announced to her room that I was on my way up.

"Rick, it's good to see... is everything all right?" I could see the concern in her eyes.

"Everyone is fine, Mom, but I have some news I need to share with you."

Mom could tell I was having a hard time.

"Would you like water or a Coke? Let's sit here at the table."

After she delivered my Coke, I started. "Mom, I want to get right to it. It's not good news."

"Oh, what is it, Rick? Is someone sick?"

"Mom, Trish and I are going to separate, maybe get a divorce. I'm serving her separation papers today."

Mom was stunned. "Rick, I don't know what to say." She paused for a moment. "How did this happen, Rick? You guys have always been so good together."

I hadn't thought about how much I would tell mom, but I knew I had to give her something. She may be older, but she still had her full mind, and I couldn't just pat her on the head.

"We have always gotten along well," I said. "Well, for the last ten years I guess. It seems that she was cheating on me early in our marriage."

"Early in your marriage. And you just found out recently?" The confusion and concern were obvious on her face.

"Yes, that's about it... I guess." I really didn't want to go into details, and I definitely didn't want her finding out about the boys.

"How did you just discover this Rick? Did she tell you about it?"

"No, not exactly mom."

Mom started to look a little angry. "Not exactly. How did you discover it?"

"Mom, I really don't want to talk about it." I could still see the anger on her face.

The thing about Mom and me was, we were more than just mom and son. I was the youngest of four children, and I was her baby, but she didn't treat me like a baby. She had always treated me more grown-up than the others, more like a friend. Mom and I talked about things more than my siblings. We had similar personalities and just meshed in a more friendly way.

"Rick, if you are not going to talk to me, who are you going to talk to? I'm your mother, for god's sake, and your friend."

I wondered if I could or should tell her. Just the thought of her heart breaking, like mine, brought tears to my eyes. Mom came around the table and hugged me around the back.

"Oh, god Mom." I was now crying like a baby. "I just can't tell you."

"Yes, you can, Rick. Just spit it out."

So I did. I just blurted it out.

"The boys, Mom. The boys aren't mine," I said now sobbing.

Mom didn't say a word. She slowly walked back around the table. I could see she was stunned, just as I had been when I first found out.

"She told you that? I just can't believe it, Rick. She told you she had an affair and your sons were fathered by some other guy?"

I looked at mom without saying anything for a moment. It was stunned silence.

"No, Mom. She didn't have to tell me. I found out through DNA. Ryan's class did a genetics test as a class project and I saw the results."

Mom was still just sitting there, taking it in.

"You know they can do genetics and determine the heritage of a person, right Mom?"

"Yes, Rick. I may be old, but I keep up on things," she said.

"Well, Ryan doesn't have any German in him. And I had Greg tested. He doesn't either." I paused for a moment. "So obviously, they can't be mine."

Mom slowly set her water glass on the table, staring into it. She didn't look up or say anything.

"Mom, are you okay? Do you understand what I am telling you? Do you see what I am saying?"

"Stop for a second, Rick. Give me a minute."

"Mom, I'm not going to stay with Trish when she has done such a horrible thing to me."

"Oh, god, Rick. Oh my god, this is just terrible."

"I know Mom, but I don't know what else I can..."

"RICK! Stop... stop talking for a second and let me think."

I'm a smart boy. I stopped talking. Mom got up from the table and went into the kitchen. She came back with a big mason jar and two glasses with ice. She poured the brown liquid into the glasses. "Rick, we need to talk."

I look at my mom. Hearing those words from any woman is never a good thing. Confused, I put my nose to the glass.

"Whoa, Mom. Whiskey at 11 in the morning? You aren't supposed to have alcohol here are you?"

"That's why it's in a jar. I keep it for times just like these. Now, bottoms up."

I watched Mom take a swig, so I did the same.

"Rick, what I'm about to tell you is going to be a big shock, but hopefully it's good news... kinda."

I didn't know where this was going, so I kept quiet.

"Rick, your dad is not your biological father."

I just stared at Mom, trying to decipher the words that had just come out of her mouth. I understood each of them, but she still seemed to be speaking a foreign language.

"What? What? My dad is not my father?" I was still confused and Mom just looked at me with sad eyes. She gave me time for it to sink in and waited for my reaction.

"What the fuck, Mom? Note here, I don't think I've ever said the 'f' word in front of my mother before, certainly not to her.

"I know, Rick. I know it sounds crazy but Dom is not your biological father."

"Oh, god, Mom. You cheated on Dad?" My sadness had been replaced with anger.

"Well... not exactly."

"Oh, bullshit, Mom. That's just bullshit." I guessed I was using even more cuss words at my mother now, but I couldn't believe what she was telling me.

"Rick, it not what you think."

My anger spiked.

"That's a load of crap, Mom. That is the shit I thought I would be hearing from Trish later today and now it's you saying them? I don't care who's saying them. It's the same bullshit you always hear from cheaters.

I downed the rest of my whiskey. It was a big mouthful and went down burning. I stood up quickly.

"I'm outta here. I don't want to sit and listen to how you fucked over my dad."

My mom stood up abruptly.

"How dare you! I didn't f-fuck over your dad." Mom was almost screaming. I loved that man for-"

I turned to leave.

I had to walk past her to get to the door and she grabbed me, hugging me around my chest.

"Stop, Rick, stop." She was sobbing. "Please, you have to listen. I will die if you don't listen to me."

Talk of her death gave me pause. If she were to die, and I didn't know the truth, I would probably forever hate myself.

"Ok, Mom. I'm going to listen, but don't expect any sympathy from me. Dad should have left you like I was planning to leave Trish."

I sat back in my chair. Mom refilled my glass not asking if I wanted more.

****

"Your dad knew he wasn't your biological father. In fact, your dad knew none of our children were actually his."

She just looked at me for a moment and let it sink in.

"What, what are you saying, Mom?"

"Your dad couldn't father children. He had Scarlet fever as a child, and he didn't have viable sperm. God, we both wanted children and talked often about it when we first married. From the day we married we never took precautions. We both wanted a big family and didn't see a need to wait. We talked about me being pregnant and how we would set up the baby's room. He promised me he would take care of me and the baby when it was born.

"After a couple of years without any results, I went to a doctor. We both assumed it was me, but it wasn't. After your dad was tested, we realized the chances of me becoming pregnant from him were zero."

"Oh, Rick. Your father was lost. I talked endlessly about adoption, but it didn't help. He knew how much I wanted children and was beside himself he couldn't give them to me.

"He was depressed for a year and wasn't getting better. I told him adoption was fine, but he knew better. He knew I wanted the whole experience. He told me I should divorce him and find someone who could give me the children I wanted. I was actually afraid he might kill himself to get out of my way. He kept saying I needed to move on.

"So as you know, I did get pregnant, four times. I found sperm donors."

"Wait a minute, mom. I'm not stupid. They didn't have in vitro back in those days."

Mom hung her head.

"You're right. I had them the old fashioned way."

"Ok, come on, Mom. Are you telling me dad let you go out and screw men just so you could get pregnant?"

"Rick, look at me." I looked Mom straight in the eyes. She wanted me to see she was being sincere. "Yes, that is exactly what happened."

"Mom, that seems hard to believe. Dad just lets you screw around? I don't believe that. What, did you have an open marriage? Did Dad screw other women, too?"

"Not hardly, Rick." I could tell that question had made her angry. "No, I didn't screw around and your dad would never cheat on me. He was a man of honor."

"I guess he had more honor than you did, huh?"

"Rick! How dare you speak to me that way? Don't try to make this seem all sordid. I never cheated on your father. Never!"

Mom was angry. I knew she was seeing this very differently than I was.

"Ok, Mom. You tell me, just how did you get pregnant and NOT cheat on dad?"

Mom took a deep breath and another big gulp of her whiskey. I followed her lead and took a drink as well.

"Rick, I prayed throughout the years that you children would never find out. I hope this doesn't taint your impression of your father, but I'm going to tell you how it happened.

"It was about a year after we found out he couldn't sire, and I was very worried about him. He came to me one night and told me he wanted me to get pregnant and for us to have children. I was terribly confused. He said I should just have sex with someone and get pregnant. He acted like it was a simple solution. He said it would still be our child. I was totally shocked. I couldn't just have sex with another man. I became angry. I was livid and screamed at him telling him his idea was crazy and I wouldn't do it.

"I was so mad at his suggestion that I didn't speak to him for a couple of days but things slowly went back to normal. But our normal in those days was your dad being very depressed. I think I became depressed as well. It got so bad that a few times when he came home a little later than usual I was afraid he had killed himself. I kept seeing him driving his car over some cliff or doing some other stupid thing.

"So, as you know, I finally agreed to do it."

"Wait a minute, mom. Are you saying you just found a boyfriend or started hitting the bar, cruising for men?"

"Rick. It wasn't like that at all."

"Then how was it, Mom? How did you just become pregnant?"

"That night, after I agreed, your dad and I talked for some time. He said that I wouldn't be dating or having a boyfriend. He knew I didn't want that anyway. He said it was up to me to find the guy. He didn't want to know anything about that part, only that it wasn't someone that he knew or knew him. We would determine the time in my cycle I was most likely I would become pregnant, and then I would do what I needed to do."

"What you needed to do?"

"Yes, those were his exact words. I remember it like it was yesterday. He also said he didn't want to know anything about what I was doing. No when, no where, and he definitely didn't want to know who. He just wanted me to get pregnant. He left it all up to me."

"Mom, that's crazy. Didn't you worry that after you became pregnant, he would somehow resent what you had done, or maybe not take to your new child after it was born?"

"At first, yes, I was worried but I knew your dad. He was a man of honor. He wouldn't tell me one thing then do something different. And, after I agreed, his depression lifted. Even before I became pregnant. Even before I started trying to get pregnant. It was like we were excited to be starting our family. I tell you, your dad was an amazing man."

"And our sex life. I know you don't want to hear this from your mother but it was like he was trying to get me pregnant. We both knew the child would never be his biologically, but he certainly didn't act that way."

"And you did this for 8 years and had four children. That's just crazy."

"It wasn't like I was out cruising for men for eight years. I only had sex outside my marriage when necessary. The first time, after I found the guy, we only had sex four times, twice during my cycle for two months.

"I was very concerned the day I told your dad I was pregnant. I was so worried it would all come crashing down but it didn't. You should have seen the excitement on his face. To him, it seemed like I had magically gotten pregnant. He never once acted as if I had cheated on him. He took me out the next night to the best restaurant in town and took great pride in telling me I couldn't drink alcohol. He began telling all his friends and family that we had a child on the way."

"Wow, Mom. So are all my brothers and sister from the same biological father?"

"No. At first, that was my plan. After the first one, I didn't try again for two years then one day your father asked about us having another. I knew it was time to try again."

"Mom, the longer you speak the crazier your story becomes. It's all so hard to believe."

"I know, but I swear, it's all true. So, the second time we decided to try, I went back to the first man but he wasn't interested. He was engaged to be married. Finding another wasn't hard. Men are so easy. If they think you are horny they are happy to screw you. After two months of trying with the second guy, I was pregnant again. Actually, all four of you kids are from different biological fathers.

"So that's how it went? Four tries and four kids. It all sounds so clinical, but I'm sure it wasn't exactly like that, huh Ma?" I gave her a slight grin.

"I'm not going into details, Rick, but no, it wasn't all clinical. But it wasn't just fun either. I tried to enjoy the experiences, but when I did, I felt guilty. Two of the guys were good in bed and the other two weren't so much. I didn't care. In fact, the less I liked the act, the better. It helped with my guilt. And believe me, I did feel guilty. I was a virgin when I met your dad. Then I became an experienced woman. I couldn't just ask them to put it in my vagina and come, so I was doing things with them. God, it embarrasses me to this day. I look back and don't know how I did it.