Hey Sis...

When Jessica was old enough to graduate from her crib to a bed, she rarely slept a full night in it. On many mornings, Bryan and I would get up and go to wake the kids. We would usually find them both in Roy's bed, with his arms wrapped protectively around his little sister. We never did find out if Jessica went to his room in the night, or if Roy fetched her every night. It was probably a little of both.

One afternoon, I watched as Roy helped Amanda with a Math assignment while Jessica sat on his lap. Amanda scratched her head and said, "But I don't understand. What's a denominator?"

Roy looked at Jessica. "Butter Bean, shall we let the dingbat know what she missed or just keep it from her?"

"Roy...," I scorned. "That isn't nice."

"No Mrs. Belton," said Amanda, as she flew to Roy's defense. "This is his way of including Butter Bean. I take no offence." Then Amanda winked at me.

What could I do? I smiled and said "Ok." I was very proud of my family.

What was once a duo, easily became a trio. Their antics were so much fun to watch. One day Bryan bought us all ice-cream cones. Jessica dropped hers and started to cry. Amanda scooped up some of the fallen ice-cream and threw it at Roy, yelling, "Watch out for the ice-cream monster." Roy, of course, played along and started chasing Amanda and Jessica throwing ice-cream everywhere. By the time they were through, all three of them were covered with ice-cream. Roy rinsed himself and the two girls off with the water hose before going inside to change. Roy made sure that Jessica was bathed, dried, and changed into clean clothes before he would even start on himself. Amanda went home to change.

One Saturday, Roy and Amanda took Jessica to the park. They had only been gone a short while, when a panicked Roy burst through the front door carrying a crying Jessica. "Mom! Quick, we need help. Butter Bean has been hurt." Of course, I rushed to my daughter.

Amanda came in right behind Roy, but she wasn't nearly as panicked. In fact, looking back, her face was filled with pride. Roy pulled Jessica's shirt off. There was a red mark, about the size of a large thumb print, near her neck. "What happened?" I asked.

"A bully mom. He came up behind Jessica and pinched her neck," Roy volunteered.

"What's his name? I will be calling his mother!" I yelled.

"You don't have to worry about that Mrs. Belton," Amanda said with a calm, pride-filled voice. "Roy took care of him. He will never, ever, touch Butter Bean again." She looked at Roy with admiration, then she continued, "The second that Butter Bean screamed, Roy went to defend her. He fought the bully off and broke his nose. Two full-grown men had to pull Roy off him. There was blood everywhere."

Only as he finished treating Jessica did I notice that Roy's shirt was covered in blood. I frantically examined Roy to see where he was bleeding.

"No, Mrs. Belton. Trust me, that isn't Roy's blood. It is Steven's," Amanda assured me.

I got some ice and a child-friendly painkiller for Jessica. Roy took over as her 'doctor', keeping the ice in place and soothing her.

When Bryan came home, we had to retell the story. Bryan took the news more calmly than I did, but I could tell he wasn't happy.

That night, after dinner and clean-up, our family was sitting on the sofa watching television when the doorbell rang. Bryan answered the door. I could hear voices and, after a few moments, Bryan led two males into the living room.

Roy leapt to his feet, positioned himself between the two males and Jessica, and adopted a defensive posture. Bryan and the other two males froze.

The older of the two males was at least six foot three, and had to weigh nearly two hundred eighty pounds. He said, "Mr. and Mrs. Belton, I am James Odell and my son has something he wants to say to you."

A younger version of that huge man stepped forward. He wasn't quite as big as his father but, even so, he towered over Roy. His nose was bandaged, and he had two black eyes. His hand was also bandaged, and he seemed to be limping. He made sure that he did not get close to Roy. I assumed that this person was Steven, the bully from the park.

"Mrs. and Mr. Belton. Roy, ahh, you too. I am sorry for what I did at the park today. I was being a jerk. I guess you could say I was showing off, and I pinched Butter Bean. I didn't mean to make her cry but, well I guess you know, I shouldn't have ever done that. You can rest assured that I will never touch her again."

He stood there red-faced looking down at the floor. "Please forgive me. I am so sorry."

I was in a state of utter disbelief looking at a boy that stood at least six feet tall and close to 200 pounds. Roy was five foot seven, at best, and maybe 150 pounds. I couldn't believe Roy had fought him.

Roy stared at him for a long time. I was about to say something, when Roy finally spoke, "Ok, but you don't owe me anything. It's Butter Bean you owe the apology to, not me." He took a step back, allowing Steven to see her for the first time.

As Steven looked at her, his expression showed sadness and shame. "Butter Bean, ..I, ..I, ..oh, ..I am so, so, sorry. I won't do it again."

Jessica got up from the sofa and walked to her brother. Roy picked her up and held her.

Then Amanda went to Roy. She hugged him with admiration. I felt very proud.

Jessica's 'terrible twos' weren't terrible at all for our family. Roy studied information from websites dealing with childhood development and lovingly applied it to his sister. Love and care for Jessica was paramount and Amanda supported Roy at every step.

As Roy matured, I expected him to show more interest in girls and that Jessica and Amanda would take second place in his affections. However, as this did not happen, I asked if he had a girl friend at school he wasn't telling us about.

"Mom, I really don't have time to start dating. I have Butter Bean to care for. Besides, Amanda isn't old enough to date yet, so I think I will just hang around and wait till Butter Bean can start dating me."

I wanted to hit him, but I smiled instead.

For Roy's first official date with Amanda, the three of them (yes, including Jessica) went to the movies and then for ice-cream. I picked them up afterwards, pleased to see that Roy held Amanda's hand and both were smiling from ear to ear. Jessica was asleep in Roy's other arm. I wished I had a camera.

It wasn't long before Roy and Amanda were exclusive. I thought that Amanda looked really good on Roy's arm.

Chapter four: Bad news

The trouble started six weeks before Jessica's fifth and Roy's seventeenth birthday. It was only because Roy knew Jessica so well that he could tell she had started having headaches. Under my directions, Roy would give her half a headache tablet to relieve her pain.

After a while, Jessica started needing the tablets every day which worried Roy. He begged us to take her to the doctor. "What would it hurt mom?"

We made an appointment for the next Monday, the soonest we could get her in.

The Friday before the appointment was date night for Bryan and me. We knew that Jessica was in very safe hands with Roy and Amanda babysitting her.

Bryan and I went to a very nice Italian restaurant. I wore a sexy burgundy dress, low cut and short, with stockings and my six-inch stiletto heels. I was hoping to get lucky with Bryan when we got home.

As we were sitting, making goo-goo eyes at each other, the phone rang. It was Roy. I instinctively knew it had to be important, so I answered it.

"MOM, MOM, please. You have to hurry. We are taking her to Memorial Hospital. Hurry please. I have the insurance cards, but I need you there."

"Roy. What is going on? What hospital? Who?" I was beginning to panic.

"Butter Bean. She won't stop shaking. Hurry. I called 911. The paramedics stopped her shaking, but she needs the hospital. Hurry please." He hung up.

I looked at Bryan. "We've got to go."

Bryan pulled out several large bills and left them on the table. We headed out of the restaurant, found our car, and drove to the hospital in record time. Stopping at the emergency room entrance, Bryan let me out and proceeded to park the car.

Entering the hospital, the first person I saw was Amanda. She rushed to me. "Mrs. Belton, oh my god. It's Butter Bean. She had what they called a grand mal seizure and wouldn't stop shaking. Roy called 911 and they sent an ambulance. They gave her anti-seizure medication through an IV drip. It stopped the convulsions, but she is pretty much out of it. Roy rode in the ambulance and I came with my folks." She pointed to where they sat with concern showing on their faces.

"I need to see Jessica. Where is she?"

Amanda took my hand and led me to a small curtained-off space. I was surprised that no one stopped us. She opened the curtain which revealed an empty bed and a chair with Roy sitting in it. He was holding Jessica, who had an IV drip in her arm, dispensing medication.

My heart was beating fast as I asked, "Are you ok, Roy?" Jessica looked great compared to my son's appearance.

"Momma, I'm scared," he said.

I closed the distance between us and wrapped my arms around him, as best I could. Roy was scared, but not for himself. He was scared for his sister. "You did the right thing Roy. Calling for an ambulance when she wouldn't stop shaking was the best thing for her."

Roy looked at me. "I know what I did mom, but she... she... isn't... I don't know if they can fix this."

"If anyone can help her, they can do it here."

I tried to be reassuring, but how do you do that when you aren't sure yourself?.

"Amanda, would you please go back out and get Bryan? He needs to be here too."

"Ok Mrs. Belton," she said as she left.

I stood next to Roy and Jessica, stroked their hair and kissed each of them on the cheek. I didn't try to hold Jessica as Roy was in protection-mode and, besides, she had the IV drip in her arm. I wrapped my arms around the pair of them and held the embrace until Amanda returned with Bryan.

There wasn't time for a conversation because two orderlies came to take Jessica for a CAT scan and an MRI. As her mother, I was scared for her welfare.

Neither Jessica nor Roy would let go of their hold on each other. The orderlies finally agreed that the best course of action was to let Roy go with her. As only one family member could accompany her, Bryan and I waited behind in the room. It was a heart-wrenching decision, but I knew it was the right one.

Bryan took my hand and I leaned on him heavily. I had no idea what Bryan was feeling, but I knew that, like me, he had to be in a lot of pain. Little did we know that the pain would get much worse.

A nurse approached us and asked, "Mrs. and Mr. Belton?"

"Yes, I am Mrs. Belton."

"Good. We need you two to head upstairs to the sixth floor. The ward staff will have a room ready for ... uh... Butter Bean, is it?" she stammered.

"Her name is Jessica, but Butter Bean is ok too."

"Ok, well. They will be expecting you," she finished.

"What does the sixth floor specialize in?" I asked before she could leave.

I knew that each floor had their own specialty; third floor for stroke victims; second floor was cardiology; and so on.

I was not prepared for the shock of her reply. "It is our Oncology Wing, Mrs. Belton."

If Bryan hadn't caught me, I would have fallen.

It was almost an hour later that Roy and Jessica met us in Jessica's new room. Jessica was in a wheelchair, in keeping with hospital policy, but Roy was pushing her, not an orderly. The orderlies laughed when they saw us, telling Bryan and me what we already knew, that Roy would not allow Jessica to be alone at any time.

I smiled weakly and thanked them for their insight.

Roy sat in a chair holding Jessica's hand as she rested comfortably in the hospital bed. I could see that Roy was frightened and wanting answers and reassurance, just like Bryan and me.

We waited almost three hours before two nurses, one male and one female, and two doctors entered the room. Their faces were somber as they prepared to deliver the sad news.

"Mr. and Mrs. Belton?" asked the senior doctor.

"Yes."

He looked inquiringly at Roy.

"This is our son Roy; he needs to hear what you have to say," I answered his unspoken question.

Dr. Collins took a deep breath before proceeding. He placed an X-ray on the wall light, so we could see what was happening. "This is a glioblastoma," he said, pointing to a shady spot on the X-ray. "It has rooted itself deep within the cerebrum. It is what caused the grand mal seizure Butter Bean had."

"Jessica," I corrected needlessly.

Dr. Collins nodded. "Jessica," he acknowledged. "This particular tumor has advanced beyond treatment." He looked at us with compassion. "I am so sorry, but all we can do is make her comfortable."

I heard a low throaty sound, "Noooooo."

I thought it was my voice; God knows it was what I was thinking. But it wasn't my voice, it was Roy's.

"No. This isn't her X-ray, it belongs to someone else." Roy said, pointing to the X-ray, his voice getting louder, his posture getting more aggressive. The other doctor and the male nurse immediately took positions beside him.

"This is bullshit," Roy began to scream. "We will go somewhere else and find out what is going on. This quack doesn't know us. He doesn't know Butter Bean. He doesn't know shit. Where did you get your license to practice? WALLMART?"

I went to hold him, but he pushed me aside. He was pissed. I had never seen anyone so full of anger.

The two men grabbed him and brought him to the floor. The female nurse had a syringe I hadn't noticed. As soon as the men had Roy immobilized, she injected him with a quick-acting tranquilizer. Roy's aggression was immediately reduced.

The way that the doctors and nurses worked so efficiently as a team, it was obvious that this situation was common.

At Bryan and my insistence, the doctors agreed that, provided Roy remained calm, he could stay in the room with Jessica.

Bryan and I left the room to sign admission and insurance papers and make a phone call or two. Well, Bryan did that, while I found a stall in a lady's room and cried.

It took a while, but I pulled myself together and returned to the room. Roy was on the bed with Jessica lying in his arms.

It was a while before one of the nurses came in. "Oh, there you are. Your daughter and son are so sweet. Butter Bean called me in and told me that she needed her brother to lie on the bed with her. I think that she would have pulled out her IV if I hadn't allowed it. She was quite distressed and would not take "No" for an answer."

I couldn't help thinking how inseparable these two were and, yet, how they would soon be separated forever. My tears started to flow anew.

When Bryan returned it took several attempts to share what had happened. He cried as well, the first time I had ever seen him do so. It broke my heart.

There seemed to be a never-ending stream of visitors to our home. However, I was miserable and didn't want company. I wanted to wrap myself in a blanket and just lie on my bed.

Many of the well-wishers were from Roy's school, with Steven Odell being among the first to come. I overheard Roy ask Steven, "How do I fight this? I need to fight this."

Steven offered to let Roy beat him up again, if it would make him feel better. Roy took his offer with good humor and almost laughed but, sadly, I think that Steven meant it.

The hospice was full of very caring, compassionate and professional people. Jessica was admitted for in-patient care right from the start. Eventually, the number of visitors to Jessica's room dwindled. Almost like cancer was contagious or something.

Roy refused to attend school, emotionally telling me that he would repeat the whole 11th grade if necessary, but that he couldn't repeat even one missed second with Butter Bean. I couldn't deny the truth of his argument.

Chapter five: Funeral

Jessica 'Butter Bean' Belton died in Roy's arms on September 20th. She was two days short of five years of age. Roy had to be persuaded to release her body.

Bryan and I made the funeral arrangements. Roy refused to be a pallbearer, but there were plenty of volunteers.

I was amazed at the size of the turnout. Almost 300 people attended, and it was comforting to realize that so many people cared deeply for our family. Roy stood apart from Bryan and me, with Amanda at his side, during the chapel service. I saw him speak to Steven, but could not tell what was said, nor did I see any emotion from Roy. In fact, I had not seen Roy show any emotion, besides anger, since the doctor gave us Jessica's diagnosis.

The funeral service was well done. The pastor talked about Jessica and the love she shared with her brother. He spoke about how the wonderful brother-sister relationship that existed between Jessica (or Butter Bean) and Roy became an inspiration for many students at his school who also had brothers and/or sisters. He related how Roy would boast, to anyone who would listen, about his wonderful sister and how people would know her before they ever met her.

I never knew the full extent of Roy's love for his sister before the service. It was then that I realized how much he must be hurting in his misery over losing Jessica. I prayed that God would help him through this ordeal.

Roy refused to ride with us to the cemetery. Instead he drove, with Amanda, in his old pickup. The road to the cemetery was lined with people who evidently couldn't fit into the chapel. The school football team was there in uniform jerseys, along with the basketball, baseball and softball teams. They all formed a guard of honor for the other mourners to walk between on the way to the graveside.

For the graveside service Bryan's friend, and fellow pastor, recited Psalm 29 as the pallbearers laid the small casket beside the open grave. I had to hold on to Bryan for support and, lost in my own grief, didn't notice Roy's lack of emotion.

There is no pain greater than losing one of your own children. I knew my heart would never completely heal. Bryan and I left the grave in a flood of tears, and everyone else seemed to follow.

Most of what happened next was relayed to us in the following days.

After the service, Roy and Amanda maintained a vigil. In addition, Steven Odell had organized for the football and baseball teams to stay also. Several students fetched folding chairs, blankets and a cooler with ice water from Roy's pickup and carried them to the graveside.

The cemetery workers told Roy that everyone had to leave. Steven replied, "Do whatever you have to do, but my friend and I aren't leaving."

The men became aggressive and insisted that Roy and his friends had to leave. Steven repeated that he and his friends were not going anywhere.

Finally, the three men in charge of the funeral detail tried to threaten Steven and Roy. The men realized that they had made a mistake when the high school athletes surrounded them and reinforced Steven's words.

The cemetery workers decided that the best course of action was to finish their job, despite having the crowd around them. They lowered Jessica into her resting place, filled the grave with soil, covered the soil with artificial turf, and raked the grass neatly around the edges. Then they picked up the official chairs and canopy, wished the students well, and left. Only after that did the football and baseball teams begin to leave.

I woke the next morning and went to check on Roy. When I saw that he wasn't in his room, and the bed hadn't been slept in, I rushed to wake Bryan.

"Bryan, did Roy come home last night? He isn't in his room."

He grumbled a bit and told me to check downstairs, but Roy was not there either.

Finally, we got dressed and went to the cemetery.