His Eyes

All participants are over the age of 18. Fictional and participants don't represent anyone living or dead. No extra-large boobs or dicks.

My older brother, Kevin, happened to be in my apartment when my world went up in flames. Kevin is about 3 years older than my soon-to-be 27. I'm a successful real estate agent specializing in commercial properties, which is why Kevin was there that night. He's in the financial world (although not really sure what he does) and was interested in one of my listings. We had gone over that and were just talking, mainly about my upcoming wedding, and having a drink.

After dating off and on for two years, Karl had finally asked me to marry him. It is now three months out and I'm hyped. Kevin seemed supportive but less so that I thought a big brother should be. Admittedly, while he was always my protector and go to person we really weren't very close. We'd share almost everything under the Sun but never had the relationship where I could say things like "How often do you masturbate?" Nor were we overly touchy-feely. Plenty of hugs but a quick kiss on the cheek at Christmas was the extent of our physical contact. I was always the one who ran to him to be comforted when my love life took a turn for the worst. From the time I was in my early teens he was my rock.

Sorry for the late introduction. I'm Lisa. Brown hair, often in a ponytail. Five foot-four and about 105 pounds. Boobs to match my slight frame (like B, at best) and firm rear end from running. Guess I am pretty enough, as I had no problem attracting men. You'd only call me beautiful if the light was low or you were my brother. My legs were my second best feature. My ass, definitely. Even caught my brother looking. Got a star tattoo just above my ass crack.

Kevin is almost six feet and probably 180. Strangely, for an American, he is a rugby enthusiast. He fulfilled the rugby bumper sticker: Donate blood. Play rugby. He is seldom without cuts and bruises. His position is a prop. It is for the strongest on the team. His legs were massive. I watched him push in the scrum: thought he could move a mountain. He is utterly fearless, never hesitating to engage the toughest guy on the opposing team nor backing down an inch from a fight. I doubt that's anything on this Earth he's afraid of. Hands covered in black hair (outside only!) looked as though he could crack walnuts between his fingers. His twice-broken nose gave him character. But his eyes: The most expressive I've ever seen. You could look into his soul through them.

As we were talking my phone beeped with a text message. I almost ignored it until I saw it is from Karl. Figured Kevin didn't mind me reading it, so it opened to this:

"Lisa, I cheated on you and knocked her up. We're getting married. She's so much better in bed than you. Sorry. Best of luck. Karl"

Holy shit!!!!!!! How do you react to your fiancé telling you he's marrying somebody else via a text message? To say I am stunned would be the understatement of the year. I immediately called him.

"What the fuck???"

"Sorry, Lisa, don't want to communicate with you anymore... Goodbye." Is his response. CLICK

Kevin is just sitting there, not understanding. Tears pouring down my face, I handed him the phone with the text message. Then jumped into his arms. Crying so hard that catching my breath is almost impossible. My world is ending and it couldn't get any worse. There I was greatly mistaken.

After 10-15 minutes of me clinging to him tighter than any barnacle, Kevin said that is the most cowardly thing he had ever seen. Breaking an engagement with a 25-word text. His face got red, the cords in his neck bulged out and his eyes were laser beams. "Nobody deserves that. Especially not my sister. I'll make that son of a bitch wish he'd never been born! That fucking bastard!" He didn't try to get up. He just got a hard look on his face. That worries me more than if he had jumped up and head out the door.

I knew he meant every word of it. Kevin always meant what he said. I had just enough functioning brain cells to understand nothing good would come of him putting Karl into the hospital. Karl is a fucking lawyer so would certainly have Kevin arrested after he, Karl, got out of the hospital. Wouldn't have minded Karl's lumps but Kevin would suffer, too. I'm sure that Kevin didn't give a shit but...

"No, no, Kevin. He's not even worth you taking a shit on him."

Kevin calmed down a bit but his eyes became cold as ice. "You're right, there are better ways to make him pay."

That sent a shiver down my spine. What would he do? "Kevin..."

He lit up again.

"How could he do such a rotten fucking thing to the sweetest, most beautiful person in the world? How can he not love you with his whole heart and soul? I would give everything I own to have been in his shoes for a single day." He continued to verbally abuse Karl for some moments more.

It took a couple of moments for that statement to penetrate my wall of grief. "Wait... What did you just say?"

"That Karl is a rotten bastard?"

"No. You said something else I didn't catch."

"That you were sweet and beautiful?"

For some reason this conversation surpassed my grief. "Yeah, you said that but you're hiding something...You're dancing around."

"I'm not hiding anything."

I thought for a second, trying to recall everything he said. "What was that about loving me with your heart and soul?"

"Of course I love you. You're my sister."

I couldn't focused very well, with the Karl thing but something seemed amiss. "That's not what it sounded like."

"What did it sound like, then?" He stopped.

He got this look in his dark brown eyes that I had never seen before and didn't understand. He is silent long enough for me to repeat the question. "Shit!" He is unable to look me in my teary eyes.

"Lisa, I...I...I"

"What Kevin? What did you mean?"

"I should have kept my mouth shut... Can't lie to you... I love you, not just as a brother...I want to wrap my arms around you and never let go...Kiss your lips... Spend this life with you... I've loved you for as long as I can remember...Seeing you with other men, engaged to that piece of shit, never feeling I am as important to you as you were to me."

He stopped and pulled slightly away to look at me. His eyes? I couldn't read everything in them. Hope, maybe? Fear, maybe - that strange look? Uncertainty, yes.

"It just slipped out. Forget it."

"How can I forget it?"

"Try."

"I can't. I don't know..."

"Probably would have come out eventually. I couldn't let you marry Karl without trying to stop you, because I always figured he's a piece of shit... I didn't intend for it to come out when all this is going on... I want you so badly that I ache when we're together. I want every bit of you."

Everything that happened today is swirling around in my mind, short circuiting my mouth: Karl ditching me and my brother wanting me. "That's sick" He visibly flinched. "Disgusting". Another flinch. "How can you even think about me that way?" Like he is being hit with machine gun fire. Bang, bang, bang.

Through my tear-blurry sight I saw his eyes take on a look like the world has ended. Such sadness and pain that it almost took my soul but I couldn't think, couldn't say anything.

Without saying a word he gets up and leaves. Alas, I am too entangled in my own grief for that to register more than a casual shadow. Hours of tears, tossing and turning in bed and a heaviness that overlaid everything.

It is afternoon the next day before I could think even close to straight. In any of my prior love disasters, Kevin would be my comfort. He has been there for my whole life. When I fell off my bike and broke my wrist, when I wrecked the family car...When my parents died, he was the pillar that kept me upright. I missed him now. Need his shoulder to cry on. Why isn't he here? Slowly, through a sleep-deprived memory a curtain of pain parted as I recalled what I said to him. Oh, shit! How could I have been so harsh and mean? Is this such a surprise? I've seen the way he's always looking at me but I guess that I just understood that as normal. Men aren't the only ones who ignore what they don't want to hear or see. Although, I didn't feel for him as he did me, I shouldn't have hurt him like that. He is still my brother, my kin... It is time to talk to him. Could I make him see that he is still the most important person in my life? Still, it took a while for me to gather my courage to open that wound.

My call to his cell went to voice mail. My text isn't answered. My call to his home phone (yes, he still has one) went to the answering machine. About 4:30 I called his office. Nancy, his long-time 50-some personal assistant and professional shepherd, answered. When I asked to speak to Kevin she said he isn't in. "He said he was stressed out and was taking two weeks' vacation, starting immediately. He went so far to leave his cell at home. He took his business phone. He left me the number but said it is for emergencies only. Emergencies were business and police only. If anyone other than me called, I'd be looking for another job. He said he'd call me every couple of days, though."

I am stunned. Kevin is a workaholic. Has he ever take two weeks off? Not take his phone? An uneasy feeling creeps in. Kevin didn't have a lot of friends outside of work, so he won't miss much without his phone. There is only me? "Can you ask him to please call his sister? It's very important."

"I'll let him know you called and want him to call you. If you'll forgive me but you two are very close, so I don't understand why he didn't give you the business cell number."

"We had a disagreement."

"It must have been a dilly. He's put important clients on hold while he talked to you or ran your errands."

I had to swallow my tears to ask "Did he say where he was going?"

"No. That actually funny. When I asked him where he was going, he just said he'd decide when he got to the airport and take the first plane that looked like it was going to someplace that looked interesting."

That hurt. I need his shoulder to cry on and his friendly face. More tears. Guess you don't know how much you miss somebody till you reach out for a hug and find the space empty.

Soul searching time. How often had I seen my brother go out on a date or mention any woman? Not very often as I recall, although admittedly I was always too caught up in my own problems to pay attention to his. Could he really have gone out so infrequently because he is only interested in me? I mean, he's a good looking guy, well-educated and loquacious. His eyes always held only... What? Love as a brother or something else that I shouldn't have ignored? It then hit me hard that I really don't know my brother that well. It is all one sided. When my love life hit a pothole, it was only my concerns that we dealt with. Everything was about me. I don't remember ever asking if there was anything he could use my help with - not even... Nothing! Did I drive him off? Maybe I don't love him that way but I do as a brother. Shit, shit, shit! I really fucked up. Please let me try to fix this.

A couple of very long days passed without a call or text from Kevin. A call to his office, with Nancy assuring me that my request for a return call had been made. She said his response was just an acknowledgement, not a commitment to call me - a response that puzzled her. Meanwhile, I'm eating and sleeping poorly. Pretty sure I wouldn't keep my 105. Between the hurt of a broken engagement and a missing brother, I am totally miserable. In times past, I would have been crying on Kevin's shoulder every night. The weight is heavy. The pain from Karl's hit-job is fading as I slowly realized that I hadn't loved him completely, the way a future wife should and that it is probably a good thing we weren't married. Or maybe I'm just rationalizing. Still, the way he dropped me hurt like hell. In contrast, the hurt from missing Kevin is only increasing day by day.

Did get one piece of good news: One of my friends on social media posted a blurb about a local lawyer, Karl Germain, being arrested for statuary rape. Seems his new prospective spouse was only 17. It couldn't have been me ratting him out as I didn't know who she was. Kevin?

Getting towards the end of the long, long two weeks, and coincidently my 27^th birthday, I called Nancy to see if he is in the office yet. Her reply paralyzed me. She said that he decided to take another week off! Surely, after not missing my birthday for 26 straight years, he would be home for it or at least call.

My birthday came and went with nothing from my brother. I can't believe that he didn't call or at least text. A birthday? Shit! I doubt that it could be more serious unless I had a heart attack.

I am so miserable that my work continued to sufferer, as well as my co-workers from my sudden departure from my usual cheery self. One particular example: A major potential buyer asked me to dinner to discuss the proposed real estate deal. Jason is a young, rich client looking for a prime location to expand his operations. Additionally, he is a handsome and witty 30-year-old that I would normally be happy to go to dinner with (at a minimum). Felt so miserable that I had to decline with a promise of "maybe later" despite what this might do to my sale.

How could I miss Kevin so much? Maybe more than Karl, since Kevin, unlike Karl, hadn't tossed me into the gutter. Is this what love is? Pain and missing a presence that you've depended on for your whole life? Should feelings for a brother be different from a lost lover? I think there should be a difference between missing somebody and love but I'm not able to define it.

I know my feelings are evolving. I like sex. Who doesn't? However for me to really enjoy it, there needs to be some "attachment", not necessarily "love", but an emotional connection. Some feelings for the other person and not just as a pleasant interlude. Maybe I never had strong enough feeling for Karl which is why he'd say I was bad in bed? We did pretty much everything two people could do together. Not fully committed? Insufficient passion? Did I lack complete involvement that got communicated to Karl? I thought I was completely committed to him but now doubt that? Or maybe he is just an asshole.

Can I consider sex with my brother as something desirable? We certainly have very strong feelings for each other, so that part of the attachment equation is fulfilled. I imagine Kevin's arms around me, kissing me, rubbing my back. Warm skin on skin. Maybe the idea of having sex with him isn't so unsettling after all. Do I love him like he loves me? I don't think so, but there's a lot of uncertainty now. More every day. More questions I can't answer.

I guess I envisioned finding my "true love" as a knight riding in on a white horse and carrying me off to live happy ever after. No questions, no ambiguity. Can it be something else? Can siblings love each other that way? Clearly, he does love me that way. Could I fall that way, too, changing my feelings? Suppose when you went to bed, you had a Chevy in the garage, but when you got up in the morning there is a BMW. What would you think? What is looking back at me from the mirror? What I am, what I should be or what I want to be? Do I know what I want? It's not clear I have any idea.

Finally, at the end of three weeks, I called his office. Nancy said he is in a conference but would let him know I called. The same response I got that afternoon, and the next day and the day after. I could actually feel the pain in Nancy's voice every time she told me. No response on his cell or home phone. Can't take it. Going fucking crazy.

One desperate attempt: I have a phone number that goes directly to his office. He doesn't know I found it in some old text messages and I'm sure he doesn't want me using it as Nancy never gave it to me. Since he will likely not answer if he recognized my number, I visited a friend and use her office phone. Swallowing my tears and with shaky hand I dial.

He answers on the third ring "Hello?"

"Kevin, it's Lisa... Please, please, please don't hang up on me."

A short silence: "OK, Lisa, I'm busy... What do you want?"

"Can we meet? I'd need to talk to you in person."

"I have no interest in meeting you..." A pause, then "Goodbye, Lisa... Take care."

A desperate yell: "Wait, wait... Please, for everything we have ever meant to each other, as your only sister, I beg you for this... Please, please don't leave like this." Tears falling so thick I can't see the phone.

A long (like a lifetime) pause. "All right... Guess I owe you this...Meet me at the Starbucks in the Hill Top Hotel lobby at 5."

"Thank you, thank you, thank you." The last thank you to a dead line.

The afternoon snailed past, with me arriving at the hotel by 4. Pretty sure I went to the toilet at least five times. Had a hard time not puking my guts out as my stomach is so tight. Rehearsing everything I wanted to say. Right on time he walks in. If he was a minute late I would have become a cringing blob curled up in the corner. His eyes, though, were obdurate and cold. His face expressionless.

"Wasn't sure you'd show up."

"I keep my word... Why do you want to meet with somebody who's sick and disgusting?" He said as he sits down at the table, keeping it between us. He is stiff and his face told nothing. His eyes make me shiver.

Oh, shit!

His eyes change to show infinite sorrow. "Have your say... Then I will hug you good bye and this will be the last time you ever see me."

If he would have hit me, I wouldn't have been more shocked. I wish he would hit me, as it wouldn't hurt as much. "Kevin, I'm so, so sorry about what I said that night. You're my brother and I had no right to call you sick or disgusting. It was so wrong. I was caught up in Karl's shit, I wasn't thinking. You're my brother and you could never be disgusting or sick... Nothing will excuse my words. Nothing... I need to apologize and beg for your forgiveness. Please...

I've thought about what I said and the emotions behind it but can't really understand why I reacted like that. How could I have hurt you, my beloved brother? Only knowing that I did is destroying me... Will you accept that I'm sorry and forgive me?"

I reach across the table to take his hand. He doesn't move it nor does he give any indication that it is welcome.

His eyes softened somewhat and take on a more saddened gaze. "That hurt so bad that I don't think I'll ever get over it...As long as I live...Why didn't you just say that you only loved me as brother?

I accept your apology and forgive you... However, nothing has changed... Whether you think it's sick or disgusting, I love you with everything that is me. I can't live alongside of you as just your brother, though. Watching you go out with other men, and seeing you drool over some guy when we go to dinner, having you cry on my shoulder whenever one of your loves dumped you... It's killing me. I can't stand next to you, see you hurt and have my heart destroyed with predictable regularity. Everyone has a breaking point...

I need you to love me like I love you. I realize that's impossible... What you said in a time of great emotional crisis is very probably what you deeply feel. I can't live with you around and just watch from the corner...However much I love you and want to be with you, I just can't take it... I have to get you completely out of my life. I have to pull the bandage off in one yank or I'll bleed forever...Fifteen fucking years of being next to you but not close to you! I'm sorry for giving up but I just can't keep on.

So, we're relocating our office to the other side of the country where there's no chance I will ever accidently run into you. If you do track me down, which given the internet is very likely, well...You won't get anything from me. Please don't try. Let me go in whatever peace I can find."