His North Star

It was the feeling that Brasilians called 'saudade.'

Even now, saudade filled him whenever he looked at the photo or re-read the letter. He kept the photo and letter together, in the locked drawer of his nightstand.

Only in the last couple weeks had he been able to think about Her without that vicious ache. The thoughts still came frequently, but they no longer knocked him sideways. It was a pinprick now. Sharp but fleeting.

In time, he figured the pinpricks would also fade. One day, remembering Her wouldn't ache at all. There'd just be nostalgia.

Nathan drank his coffee, hardly registering its charred taste as vivid memories passed through his mind: a walk through coastal forests...arriving at the blue house...a kiss hello at the kitchen door...a long conversation...torrential rain drumming on the terracotta roof...moqueca simmering on the stove...going to the guest room...deeper kisses...her warm naked body beside his...the rain pounding...

Now that it was mid-September, Her husband would soon return home from working at the emerald mine. Home to be reunited with his lawfully-wedded wife.

There was another pinprick.

With a sigh, Nathan sat down on one of the cushion chairs, stretching his legs in front of him. He'd enjoy this 15-minute break to the full. Unless, of course, there was a Code Blue. If so, he'd shoot out of here like a bullet and grab the nearest defibrillator.

Things in the ER could change on a dime. The strain was there, every minute of every shift. But he now knew that he couldn't be satisfied without it. He needed this.

Yeah, he hated it sometimes. But he needed it.

Did it still kill a piece of his soul when he lost a patient? Yes. Did it still frustrate him when he came across those he couldn't help? Yes. Were there still moments when he questioned whether the brutal hours and personal sacrifices were worth it? Yes.

But this was the job that suited him. This was the place he did his best work. This was the only thing that satisfied him. He wouldn't fight against that.

He wouldn't fight against himself.

This was the answer he'd needed to find. It was his north star. Her letter was what had guided him to the decision to return here. To the Emergency Department of Delta Lake Hospital, where he'd picked up right where he'd left off.

Once his 15-minute break was over, he headed back into the fray. His next patient was an elderly man with a kidney infection. The infection was severe enough that he was in danger of becoming septic, so Nathan admitted him to the renal ward after treating him.

The next patient had a hole in his thigh. He'd tripped and fallen while using his power drill and the tool had gone clean through his flesh. He'd tried bandaging the wound at home, but it was no use. Blood simply kept gushing through the mess of torn skin and punctured muscle. Nathan treated the wound, gave him a tetanus shot and had him discharged.

His final patient was a 15-year-old boy. The teen's reason for ending up in the ER was that, with no money to buy beer, he'd had the genius idea to drink hand sanitizer instead. Dizziness had soon set in, then vomiting, then seizures.

When he'd gotten the 15-year-old stabilized and alert, Nathan asked him: "On a scale of 1 to 10, how stupid would you say you were in drinking hand sanitizer?"

The boy hung his head. "I know it was dumb. My friend said I could get a buzz from it."

"Your friend's an idiot for suggesting it. You're worse for acting on it. You're healthy. Nothing's wrong with you, physically or mentally. You didn't need to be here today." Nathan's look was steady and cold. "You've wasted the time of everyone involved in treating you, you're lying in a bed that should be available for someone who legitimately needs it, and you could have senselessly ended your life at 15."

The boy swallowed. "Sorry," he mumbled.

"I don't want to see you in this ER for a stupid reason again. Understood?"

"Understood. I'm never drinking that crap again, trust me."

By 5:54p.m., his shift was finally over. Rubbing the weariness from his face, Nathan hung up his white coat and started for the side exit. He didn't need to change out of scrubs; he'd lately switched to wearing his own clothes underneath his white coat.

He was halfway down the corridor to the exit when an adjacent door opened.

Dr Elizabeth Elgar, the pint-sized residency director, was stepping out of her office. She saw Nathan at the same time he saw her. She nodded at him. "Dr Bellamy," she said in greeting.

Nathan nodded back. He stopped in the corridor, politely waiting for her.

Elizabeth Elgar was a senior doctor who he was still learning from and whose opinion he'd always respected. She'd been his mentor and boss while he was a Resident. But strictly speaking, she was no longer his boss. Not now that he was also an Attending.

He'd completed his residency two weeks ago and become an Attending. This was around the same time he'd chosen to stop wearing scrubs.

"Didn't know we were on the same shift today," he said to her.

"We're not," she replied. "I should have left two hours ago, but I've had to stay behind doing damage control. Earlier this afternoon, some fucks decided to get together and form a cluster."

This got Nathan to smile. "Yeah? What happened?"

"One of the interns talked to a patient's family in a way they didn't like. They got pissy. I had to personally apologize to them on behalf of the entire hospital and smooth their ruffled feathers or we'd have had a lawsuit on our hands." Elizabeth Elgar rolled her eyes. "The intern should have known better. These new intakes are giving me more headaches than your set ever did. Which reminds me. The medical students from SUNY and Cornell will be descending on us next week. I've arranged for 10 of them to report to you. It'll make your workload a hell of a lot heavier, but all the Attendings are in the same boat. Plus, you can delegate some students to your resident."

"No problem. I was expecting it, now the semester's beginning."

Funny the way things came full circle. He was currently talking to someone who'd once been his boss, about medical students he'd soon be a boss to. He'd teach the med students, give them hands-on training and answer their questions. He'd be the person they'd come to with any concerns.

He and Dr Elgar walked out to the parking lot together. There was a cold snap in the air; summer was on the cusp of becoming fall. Soon enough, it would be winter. The season that She hated.

Another pinprick.

He and Dr Elgar said their goodnights in the parking lot. She went to her car. He went to his.

After Nathan unlocked the door of his AMC Eagle, he sat in the car some time without starting the engine. He was exhausted, but he couldn't think of a more worthwhile way to have spent these past 12 hours.

He'd had shifts yesterday and the day before. He'd have another tomorrow, then he was off until Tuesday. He was looking forward to relaxing at home on those days. So far, his other days off had been busier. He'd been to Binghamton to see his parents, and to Queens to see his sister Tessa.

He figured he owed them the visits after neglecting them. Aside from the postcards, they'd gotten radio silence from him while he was in Brasil. All told, it had been over 5 months since he'd seen them.

They'd asked many questions about Brasil. The places he'd seen. The things he'd done. The people he'd met. He'd answered all their questions, with notable omissions. He hadn't mentioned Her. Not only was it unnecessary, but it was too personal to discuss with anyone. Even family.

At last, Nathan started his engine and began the drive to his apartment.

An empty house awaited him. Nobody was there to kiss him at the door. There was nobody to ask him about his day, and to tell him about theirs. In the kitchen, he poured himself a drink and threw a passable dinner together, aware of his aloneness all the while.

He hadn't minded it before. He'd even enjoyed it. But now, he minded.

Nathan tossed back half his drink. He fucking hated it now—coming back to this solitary apartment to sleep in his solitary bed. He was 30 now. He'd turned 30 last month. Maybe he was getting too old for singleness. Maybe, in remaining a bachelor, he was fighting against himself. Maybe he'd reached a road and he needed to choose.

For several minutes, Nathan stood staring into the rest of his drink. And he chose.

His shift the next day started by 10:30am., but he left his apartment an hour earlier than necessary. As he headed towards the hospital, he made a detour. He turned left before the dam of Delta Lake and followed the road for a mile until he reached Rossini's Inn.

He hadn't been here ever since he'd returned from Brasil. He'd made a subconscious decision to stay away until he made his choice. Now, he was making that choice.

He was here at the place he'd used to eat breakfast often. It hadn't only been because the breakfast was good. Something else had kept him coming back, but he hadn't done anything about it. Now he would.

Giorgio Rossini, a widower, owned the inn and cooked all the meals. But his daughter Emma was the one who was really in charge. She did the accounts, ruled the staff and handled the daily running.

That morning, Nathan drove to Rossini's Inn. He walked into the breakfast parlor and sat at an empty table. Despite that he hadn't been here in over 3 months, it all was the same. Familiar enough that he might have been there yesterday.

There were other customers. Most tables were full, because it was technically still high season for businesses in the area. A waitress came to his table, poured him coffee and took his order.

Nathan sat drinking it, his eyes going out the window. Outside, the lawn was being mowed and the landscaping maintained. Several people were out there. He scanned for the person he wanted to talk to.

There she was. A tall, slender, long-legged woman of 27. Her dark hair was cut to her angular chin, its shortness somehow heightening her femininity rather than diminishing it. She was standing at the hawthorn hedge, overseeing the landscapers as they did the job she'd hired them to do.

Emma Rossini.

When he saw her, Nathan rose. Coffee cup in hand, he left his table and walked across the breakfast parlor to the glass doors that were opened on to the lawn.

She stood with her back to the door, so she didn't immediately notice his approach. He wondered just how shocked she would be to see him. When he was a few feet away, he cleared his throat.

Emma turned around.

Her mouth dropped open when she saw him. She stood to the spot, gaping at him.

Nathan had to smile at the look on her face.

Emma continued gaping...then an answering smile tugged at her lips. Still standing at the same spot, she gave him a formal nod. "Good day to you, Dr Bellamy."

Nathan returned the ceremonious nod, even adding a gentlemanly bow. "And a good day to you, Miss Rossini. I trust you're in good health."

"I am indeed in good health, thank you Doctor. And yourself?"

"I too am in good health."

Emma stared at him again, then she laughed. It was a rich, bubbling sound. She was the sort of woman who laughed loud and laughed often. "Oh my God! I can't believe it's you." She took one step towards him, then another, and launched herself at him in a boisterous hug.

The unexpected hug knocked him back a step, his coffee sloshing with the impact of her body slamming into his. Nathan wrapped his free hand around her waist, returning the hug. "Hey, Em."

"Hey, you." Emma squeezed him, then eased back to see his face. "You're so tanned now! And even leaner than before."

"Yeah. I was outdoors a lot. And I was pretty active."

"It suits you. But where've you been? You didn't come around for so long, I thought you must have moved."

"Moved? No. Not without telling you first. I took a hiatus from work. Traveled around Brasil awhile."

Emma grinned. "You're telling me you've been playing frontiersman all this time? You've been traipsing around Brasilian jungles for the last 5 months?"

"No jungles were involved. Most of what you'll see in Brasil are cities and villages. Just like here. And I didn't have enough time to get remotely near Amazônia. It was too far up northwest. I went to Rio first, then hit up some good spots on my way to Bahia and stayed there some weeks."

"Weeks? You must really have liked it there."

"I did." The pinprick lanced Nathan, but his facial expression didn't betray it. "There's something in Bahia for everyone to like. The sights were great and most people were okay. The culture's interesting too."

"It sounds great. I guess you'll be itching to visit again soon."

Nathan shook his head. He slipped his free hand into his pocket. "I don't think I will."

And he wouldn't. There was no point walking into temptation with his eyes wide open. He'd met Her by accident while trespassing on the plantation, but going back would be intentionally seeking Her out. As soon as he saw Her again, he would want Her again.

He'd want Her and he damn well knew he wouldn't have enough self-control to keep his hands off Her. He might be married to someone else by then, which would make him something he detested—a philanderer. Her own husband might find out. She might have children by then. Innocent kids who would be hurt by the fallout.

But even if nobody found out, the affair still wouldn't be permanent. It would end again, and he'd have to get over Her again. He'd ache for Her all over again.

No. It was best to stay away for good. He couldn't emerge unscathed from a second affair with Her. They'd played with fire and gotten away with it. Next time might not be so lucky.

Aloud he said, "There's no point seeing places I've already been to. Whenever I visit Brasil again, I'll tour other states I haven't seen. It'd take about a year to really see the whole country. And I have a lot of other countries on my bucket list." He paused. "But all that's for later."

"Traveling isn't your priority right now?"

"It isn't." Nathan looked down into her eyes. Golden brown eyes in a pale face. Freckles were scattered across her nose and cheekbones. "I've got other things in mind."

Emma returned his appraisal, her expression speculative. "You have? Do tell me more." An impish smile played on her lips. "Or am I being too bold in asking?"

"I don't mind telling you. Listen very carefully, okay?" He sipped his coffee, suppressing his own smile as he held her eyes over the mug's rim. "I could show up at your house one evening and knock on your door. You'd come out, I'd take you somewhere nice and try to impress you. You'd laugh at all my jokes and tell me how amazing I am."

She arched a brow. "Are you referring to a date?"

"Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays?"

Emma burst out laughing, tossing her head back. Then, sobering, she looked directly into his eyes. "God, Nathan, I've waited nearly 2 years for you to ask me out. What the hell took you so long?"

He gave a faint, serious smile. "I had to go get my head straightened out first."

She eyed him. "And is it straightened out now?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, then. My answer is yes. Yes, I'll go on a date with you." The mischievous glint returned to her eyes. "Or whatever it is the kids are calling it nowadays."

"I'm working today, but I'm off until Tuesday. When are you free?"

"Tomorrow night's good for me. I don't care where we go."

"Fine. I'll swing by around eight o'clock. That okay?"

"It's perfect." Emma reached for his hand. "Have you been to say hi to my dad?"

"Not yet. Someone had just taken my order when I saw you and came out here."

"Come on and say hi to him." Holding onto his hand, Emma turned for the door. "He's also been wondering where the hell you got to. He'll be so glad to see you that he'll give you free honey muffins for a year. The real Giorgio Rossini red carpet experience."

Nathan laughed. As they headed inside, he looked at Emma's profile.

Many things were temporary, but some things had the potential to last. This, he thought with his eyes on Emma Rossini's face, might just last. There was nothing stopping them. If they wanted it, they could have the house in the suburbs with the big yard and the 2.2 children.

He'd come to this path, and it felt right to him.

He'd take this step forward, trusting in the power of tomorrow.

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THE END

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