His World was On Fire

If she had it to do all over again, she would have just divorced Parker five years ago and made the best of it. She inhaled sharply and tried unsuccessfully to cut off more tears. She knew Parker didn't deserve that, but faced with her current situation, she understood he really didn't deserve to see what he saw today either. She felt spineless, but regret was a pacifier for a shallow soul. She had to find a way forward for her whole family.

After finishing her shower, she put on her robe and wrapped her damp hair in a towel. Then Holly headed back downstairs for the conversation she had been trying to avoid for the past five years. She was somewhat surprised to see Parker sitting quietly, just as she had left him. She half thought he would leave the house never to be seen again.

When he noticed her standing, looking at him with pity, Parker huffed in frustration. "This isn't a game, Holly! Can you tell me why, at least?"

It was a moment of truth for Holly. Just one of many she supposed would occur over the next several weeks. "I know it isn't, Parker...I know. You absolutely deserve an answer, but I don't want to hurt you any more than I have. And, so far, I can't think of how to explain myself, without doing so?"

"I'm not sure you can hurt me any more than I'm hurting right now." He stated flatly. Parker turned to face Holly.

Holly gently placed her hand on his shoulder and looked deeply into his eyes. He flinched as she touched him but didn't pull away. He had to hear it from her. His previous insecurities notwithstanding, Parker had to know why life as he knew it was crashing and burning.

Parker was wrong. It wasn't pity his wife was feeling. It was a recognition of what had to be done. She, at last, understood what she had done to this poor, decent man. She couldn't hide from it any longer.

Holly sat down beside him cautiously. "Are you sure, Honey? I mean, really sure." Parker just nodded his assent. "Honey, first of all, this is all on me. You didn't do anything wrong. And, you certainly don't deserve what I've done to you..."

"Isn't that what all cheaters say?" Parker twitched nervously with impatience. He rolled his finger at her as a signal to speed things up.

"Ok...Ok. Sweetheart, the simplest way to put this is, well. I guess I changed, and you haven't..." She paused, mostly in an act of self-protection, because at this point, she figured he would go ballistic. She wouldn't have blamed him if he would yell, scream, break things, and then run out the door. She was stunned to see his lack of reaction. All she noticed was him slumping further into the chair.

"How long have we been married?" She spoke quietly and with resignation. Not really expecting a response, she continued. "Fifteen years, Honey. Fifteen years, and I bet if I walked into your closet right now, most of the clothes in there, you had before we were married."

Parker's head snapped up and he looked at her with incredulity. He started to speak, but Holly stopped him.

"It's just to illustrate my point, Parker. You haven't changed at all since we started dating. You have the same job, and in fact, have turned down promotions that would have meant more money for us. Your friends are the same and you do the same things with them. Every holiday we do the same damn things we always have." She stopped to assess his demeanor. There was no change.

"Where do we go on family vacations, Parker? The same place every year. When you and I talk, which is rare. What do we talk about? The kids and the weather, that's about all." She hesitated for a minute. "I could go on and on, but you see my point, Honey?"

"Okay, I think I understand where you are coming from, Holly. But...why didn't we have this conversation when you began to feel this way?" he implored. "Didn't you at least owe me that?" Holly knew it was a fair question.

"Then maybe we could have done something...something together to work through it."

"Well, I guess the bottom line, Parker, is that I was a coward?" She paused to collect her thoughts. While cowardice was involved, it wasn't the whole answer. "Believe it or not, the cheating...I suppose, was a way for me to avoid having this very conversation. I don't know, Parker...maybe it was a way for me to shift my unhappiness away from the real issue."

"Christ, Holly! What is the real issue then?" He slammed his palm on the table. He saw her jump. He raised his arms in surrender and quickly apologized, then waited for an answer.

She was thoughtful for a minute. I know you've heard the saying, 'Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.' In actuality, I think in this day and age, it is truer for most married women. Don't I deserve to be fulfilled?" She debated the merits of continuing but decided to anyway. "Parker, up until this afternoon, would you say your life was complete?"

He didn't have to think about his answer. "YES! That's what makes this..." he pointed with both palms up at Holly and back at himself. "So, so crazy."

Holly was thoughtfully nodding her head at him. "Do you think you deserve happiness, Parker?"

"Yesss, I think I do..." He wasn't sure where she was going with this. Maybe Holly finally understood him.

"I think you do too, honey." She explained tearfully. She was drained. "But, don't I deserve the same?" She begged.

Parker just stared silently at Holly. He had no answer for her. He supposed she did. If nothing else, he understood her a little better. But, it didn't alleviate any of his confusion as to what happened to his world. Nor did it paint a clearer picture for them to move forward.

Holly sighed in relief at his understanding. "You know, Parker, over the years, I have had very straightforward conversations with my mother. I think she releases some of her regrets and frustrations about...what her life is not, by sharing them with me. I don't want to be like that when I'm her age. Her mind is filled with regrets, what ifs, and if I'd only's.

"And, finally. If I'm being completely honest, I would say that, well...I really enjoyed it. It made me feel like I had some control over who I am." There, she had said it. Again, no reaction from Parker. Very odd. "It made me feel wicked. And like I said before. It helped mask my pain.

"I could tell you more about it, the why of it, but is there a reason for me to continue with it, is there?"

"I suppose not..." What was he supposed to argue? 'No, you're wrong to feel this way? Your life is really perfect. You just don't know it.' It was a moment of Clarity for Parker.

"Honey, it's late, and I'm tired." She broke in. "I'm going to bed. Please come with me and maybe we can talk some more?"

Parker just looked at his wife in disbelief. He shook his head and gave a disgusted sharp laugh. Holly just turned and silently headed upstairs. She was confident he wouldn't follow her.

Parker forced himself out of his chair and went to grab another beer. He had an overwhelming desire to drink himself into oblivion with Colorado-Cool-Aid. God must have been watching out for him though because there was only one lonely soldier left. Fuck! This day sucks! He snatched it angrily off the glass shelf and collapsed back onto his chair. Fuck! Fuck, fuck it!

Parker never had much in the way with words, or for that matter, an extensive vocabulary. But no one who could have read his mind at that moment would mistake how he felt. His mind raced as he sat alone. All sorts of responses crossed his mind in between sips of beer. Most were childish or carried with them the possibility of being arrested. Not to mention, being unable to see his children very often.

Was Holly, right? As much as he wanted to dismiss what she said, it made some sense. He really hadn't changed much. He didn't want to change. He liked his life. Then he had a revelation. He had always viewed his marriage, his whole family and life, only through his eyes. Damn it. Maybe I should just leave? He quickly discarded that thought. No, he would have to address it head on. It's my life and my house too. So, Parker headed upstairs.

Holly was thinking to herself as she turned down the covers of the bed. If nothing else, Parker now understood where she was coming from. Just as she was taking off her robe and climbing into bed nude, as she always did, she heard Parker inhaling a sharp breath and exclaiming. "Shit!"

He was staring in disgust at the love marks on her breasts that she knew were obvious. Parker started to run from the room. Under the circumstances, it seemed to him the only safe and reasonable thing to do, if he wanted to stay out of jail.

"Parker, wait! Please. Don't leave. I didn't do this on purpose. I honestly didn't think you would come up." She started crying again. I just keep hurting him. "Don't leave, come to bed and we'll talk more." She quickly turned off the light on her nightstand and climbed under the covers in a vain attempt to conceal her infidelity.

Parker snorted as he stood and watched Holly dive under the bedding. He couldn't believe how completely clueless he was. "How come I never noticed any marks on you before?" he shook his head in disbelief and tried to maintain his composure. The question was directed more at himself than her. But she answered it anyway.

"I don't know, honey. I guess you weren't looking for them? Also, for the past several years, we only made love on Friday and Saturday nights with the lights out. The...Well, I mean...any marks would only take a couple of days to disappear. Ummm, my outside...activities were only on Mondays and Tuesdays." She shook her head sadly as she saw him further deflate. "I guess that was TMI?"

He dejectedly nodded his head and went into the bathroom to prepare for bed. Holly had been correct. He was a creature of habit. Parker thought the movie Ground Hog Day was an excellent metaphor for his life.

They both lay stiffly on their respective sides of the bed. Their bodies were tense, like two boxers waiting for the bell to ring to begin their bout.

The only noise in the bedroom was an occasional hoot from the old Great Horned owl that resided in a tall Lodge Pole pine tree on their property. Parker spoke softly. "Well, are you at least going to stop fucking your boy toy until we can sort this out?"

"His name is William, and no I'm not going to stop seeing him." She hesitated to continue but decided to. "He isn't the first one, either."

Her matter-of-fact tenor stung Parker. To Parker, it seemed as if she didn't care at all. He was mistaking her tone. Holly was resigned to the inevitable, so her voice was flat like a condemned prisoner, with a no-hope feel.

"Christ, Holly, what do you want from me?" He bickered back at her.

"Well, part of me wants to have you just forget that today ever happened..."

"Shit!" He intruded. "I won't live like that, Holly. I love you but I can't accept that." Even in the darkness, Parker could see Holly's grim, tight, knowing smile.

"I...I know......I knew it when I made the decision. That, that if I got caught, it would end us. Honestly, if you'd decided to stay, Then I would have really lost respect for you."

It was Parker's turn to smile bitterly. "I know. So now what do we do?"

"I guess we figure out how to make our split as painless for the kids as possible, I suppose." She paused and exhaled. "You have any thoughts?"

"Not a clue, Holly. Not a clue." Twelve hours hadn't even passed since his comfortable life was turned upside down. "What about you?"

Holly inhaled a hopeful breath and replied. "I do, actually. Part of the reason I was so late..." Parker just snorted at her.

Holly gave a short skittish laugh with a slight smirk on her face. "Well, I did say it was part of the reason."

Now that the hard part was over, even Parker had to give a chuckle, bitter though it was. It was time to move on.

Holly quickly sat up and turned the light back on. She was unaware that her exposed breasts were once again showing evidence of her treachery to Parker. If he noticed, he didn't give a hint of it.

After flipping her light switch, she turned to Parker. I think we both agree that we have to make our split as painless as possible for the kids." She waited for his acknowledgement. "Do you remember the new apartment complex being built in town over off of North Ford?"

"Yeah?" Parker was surprised at Holly's new enthusiasm as she spoke. He wasn't sure where this was going.

"Well, one of the floor plans has two master suites." She looked at Parker to see if he was catching on. It was clear he wasn't. "I stopped in at the leasing office on my way home." She glanced at him. His face was still blank. "They had one of those units still available. I put a deposit on it..."

Parker caught on and immediately liked the plan. "So, we share the apartment. The kids stay in the house and you, and I switch off between the two locations." His mind raced with a thousand problems that could arise from such an arrangement. "Can we afford to do that?" was the most obvious question.

"We'll make it work, Parker. We'll make it." She put her arm over his chest and laid her head on his shoulder. They were both quiet for an extended period. They were lost in their own thoughts about the coming dramatic changes.

"I am sorry, Parker. I really am." She was pleasantly surprised that Parker hadn't pushed her away.

"I know. So am I."

"That really caught Holly off guard. "What are you sorry for? You didn't do anything wrong."

"I guess I'm sorry I couldn't have been someone else for you." He tried to come up with a better explanation but could only come up with, "I am who I am, I guess." There really wasn't anything more to say.

And, they did make it work. It wasn't easy. There were bumps along the way. The children were upset of course.

Their fifteen-year-old, Craig, seemed the least concerned when Holly and Parker sat the three children down together to tell them about the upcoming changes. He told them, "I felt a great disturbance in the force" for a while. He was of course a huge Star Wars fan. Neither Holly nor Parker was too concerned with his dramatics because he tended to say the same thing if his hamburger was overcooked.

Holly and Parker's only daughter, and their baby at ten years old, appeared to be the most affected. She burst into tears and was worried her world was ending. Her fears were mollified over time after Holly and Parker spelled out the plan in greater detail.

All three of the children recognized within a few short months that the plan actually worked well. Especially because both parents remained heavily involved in their lives to make sure it operated well.

The most significant ongoing issue was Holly's work schedule. Initially, Parker was very upset when Holly couldn't always meet her in-home living requirements. In his mind, she wasn't putting the kids first. However, he soon realized his anger was transferring to the children. That upset what at the time a very fragile family dynamic. He recognized too, that since he wasn't doing much but working and spending time with his kids anyway, Holly's issue gave him more time to do what he wanted to do anyway. Being separated from the children was his greatest concern. Holly asking him to fill in, helped to alleviate Parker's angst.

Then there was the time Parker remembered that he left his phone on his nightstand in the apartment. He was in a hurry to get to the house and 'relieve' Holly, so he decided to stop by and pick it up on his way to work the following morning. When he walked into the apartment, he got a surprise. Well, actually, all three of them got quite a jolt. It was incredibly awkward for all concerned and could have gotten ugly, but Holly managed to diffuse it with stiff introductions and an apology. Parker knew she didn't need to. Both were very careful from then on to never go to the apartment unannounced.

Throughout this period, Holly felt she should have been more content with her life. Wasn't this what she wanted? But somehow, she didn't have a complete sense of satisfaction. She finally recognized it was because she had solved her own problems but hadn't made amends to Parker. He was a shell of himself. He didn't really go out with friends or have much of a social life in any way. He seemed to place his emphasis on the kids, and work. Every time she saw him, to her he seemed hollow.

She was dealing with a terrible contradiction of emotions. In order to overcome this incongruity, Holly tried to focus even more on her career. And it was paying off for her in increased salary, responsibility, and the control and respect she desired and cherished. She couldn't have been happier in that part of her life. On the other hand, when she was around Parker, which because of the children was often, she felt a great deal of melancholy. She felt impotent as oftentimes she tried to get Parker to rejoin the human race without success.

He didn't really refuse or even get angry at her for these conversations. She got the impression he felt he didn't care or maybe he felt powerless to change what he saw as the 'new norm' for his life. For someone with Holly's drive and energy level, this was difficult to understand and accept.

Three Years Later:

Immediately after coming in the door from another repetitive and dull day of work, Parker threw his keys onto the sideboard in the entryway and headed straight for the refrigerator. He grabbed a cold beer, opened it quickly, and took a long pull from it. Damn, that's good. He thought to himself as he mindlessly studied the label. He gave a quick snort as he appreciated the flavor from his Ellie's Brown. He gave a sharp laugh even though he was alone and quipped out loud. "And Holly says I never change. What does she know!" Then he laughed again.

As he often did these days, he walked over and stood gazing out at the view he loved so much. It was so quiet and peaceful. In his early forties now, he was becoming more meditative about his existence. He took stock of his life. It was mostly good, he felt. Three years after his divorce, the kids were fine. Actually, better than fine. He and Holly made sure they were strong and independent. They could take care of themselves and didn't need him nearly as much now.

Parker's thoughts returned to work. He wasn't exactly sure when he quit enjoying his job. He thought it wasn't really that he didn't like it. It paid well and he was good at it, but it didn't bring him pleasure any longer. It was more like that it had become work to him. It made him uncomfortable, but as of yet, he hadn't any plans to do anything about it. He guessed that wouldn't surprise Holly.

His thoughts were interrupted by his cell phone playing Elton John's, "The Bitch is Back." That was Holly's ringtone he had entered for her after everything fell apart. Wow! She must be reading my mind.

"Hey, Holly. What's up?" He tittered good-humoredly.

Holly could hear the mirth in his voice. "You still haven't changed my ringtone have you, Parker?" It wasn't spoken harshly. It was a bit of an ongoing joke between them.

"You know me, Holly. I never change. Seriously, everything okay?" She didn't really call him all that often anymore as the kids had aged. So, his concern was genuine.

"I need a favor, Honey." She never stopped using her favorite terms of endearment for him. "It's a pretty big one..." She paused to wait for any reaction but only received silence in response. "I need a date for a thing Saturday night..." Still nothing, which wasn't an unusual response from Parker. He had always tended to wait for her to get to the point.

Parker was silent only because in his mind, he wondered if she wanted him to fix her up with one of his friends, which made absolutely no sense. His analytical mind was trying to formulate where this was going.