Hit'n Those Notes Ch. 05

Author retains all rights to this original work of fiction.

Warning: Graphic sexual content...

Tuesday, March 27th 10:06 PM

The request to be kissed threw me off - at least until his lips met mine and our tongues began the dance. Tyler's hand at the back my neck was unexpected, aggressive, and made me feel like my knees were going to give out any second. I had goose bumps on goose bumps all up and down my arms and I could taste the alcohol on his breath. There was want and I could feel every bit of it as our body pressed against each other.

My mind was blown away and shocked at what I'd allowed to happen so easily. Not so shocked that I was certainly drunk on my own desires, my own wants to be accepted for the woman I was. It had been a very long time since I had been held, let alone kissed. And before it got too intense in the hallway - the kiss was over. I refused to open my eyes, trying to savor the few seconds we were connecting...

"I am sorry about earlier," Tyler whispered in my ear before kissing my neck.

The kiss caused me to shudder ever so slightly and I felt chilled, unsure of exactly what he'd just said, and I tried to nuzzle in closer to where his lips were kissing just below my ear. I could barely think, hold a coherent thought, and twisted my head ever so slightly when he kissed my neck a little lower.

With my eyes still shut I turned my head towards his and found his lips. This time the kiss was more desperate, more intense - I was seeking more, hungering for more, and he was giving me that which I desired. Every nerve throughout my body was in an overloaded state and when he leaned his body into mine, pulling me closer I couldn't help but moan softly.

When he pulled away, I chased his lips with mine to kiss him again. There was certainly more urgency in my want when our lips touched for the third time. He did not disappoint, he wanted what I wanted. His hand still cupping the back of my neck had my head turned to best control our kiss - it was gentle, sexually energizing, and demanded my submission - which I was all too happy to give to him.

When he pulled away, I opened my eyes, but could not look him in his eyes.

"You want to invite me in?"

And with that ask the reality of the situation I was in became a fear inducing gut punch. I pulled back ever so slightly, running scenario after painful scenario through my mind as quickly as I could until I felt my stomach churn uncontrollably. I tried to reason his request with the fact he knew I was Trans - did that matter to him? Does he think I've fully transitioned? What are his expectations of the incomplete woman standing before him? How far was I willing to...

"Brea... I'm not pressuring you for anything you aren't comfortable doing. I... I find you incredibly sexy and I would be kicking myself if I didn't at least try to see if you had similar feelings... I want you to know I respect who you are and..."

I held a finger to his lips, "I, I am not all you see. And, I don't do casual... You know, like hookups? I just... It's probably best if we..."

"Are you saying there's no attraction?"

That wasn't the reply I expected and jumped on it earnestly, "No, that's no... Not, what I said. You know, probably better than most having supported Dana through his transition, what I mean...," I sounded unsure of my point and still couldn't make eye contact with him. Jesus! Would I be kissing you if there wasn't an attraction?!

"Nothing about you is going to scare me off Brea... I'm sure of my sexuality and I know you may be struggling with portions of yours, but I know who you are on the inside and complete or not I would still be attracted to you... You know, the woman you are. I respect everything about who you are..."

There is rarely a moment in my transition that the dysphoria gorilla isn't jockeying for a better position on my back. Right now, with Tyler professing a want to be with me, in any capacity, that gorilla was beating its chest with one mighty hand while trying to choke me out with his other arm. Fuck! Fear was now ruling my choice to be myself, to give myself permission to fully be the woman I was inside. Fuck!

When I didn't answer he took my hands in his, "Look... I can see you're struggling with a lot right now. How about we call it a night and tomorrow we find some time to just chill, talk, see if we can carve out an environment that makes you feel comfortable and we see what happens. What do you think?"

I could feel the moment slipping away, his want, desire, all of it - fading. If we waited to over analyze it tomorrow for my benefit - it would be different, we would be in different places, and the moment would be lost. Shit! I looked into his eyes, replaying his last statement in my mind, searching for an answer, searching for my truth, for his sincerity... No! And I stepped backwards into the slightly propped open door, pulling him with me into the darkened room lit only by the light from the hallway.

When the door shut behind him, he pulled me to him in the dark, "No pressure Brea..."

He leaned in to kiss my lips softly and I pulled him closer trying to get lost in a moment I didn't want to end.

Tuesday, March 27th 10:13 PM

In the darkness and quiet of the room, every movement seemed to be amplified. The rustling of my skirt against his slacks, my blouse, my breathing and how it was strained while kissing him. The thumping of my heart alone I swear could be heard as clearly as if someone were beating a drum in double time.

Then there was the ringing buzz in my ears making me feel like I was going to pass out, dizzying. I felt like I was outside my body looking at us holding one another in the entryway. I wasn't prepared for this -- my want versus being able to walk the walk - no, I can't do this... What the hell was I thinking?! Obviously I wasn't or I wouldn't be in this predicament.

I could count the number of sexual encounters with men on four fingers and the number I had kissed was maybe seven. Only two of those encounters resulted in full-blown sex and between nerves, being unsure of what it was really going to be like, my struggles with not being complete, and the raw lust by those men rushing to get their rocks off - those encounters were anything but pleasurable.

Screw the concept of pleasurable - it was painful, scary, and not something I was not interested in repeating without a more caring partner. Those thoughts really spoke volumes as to why I wasn't sexually experienced and sex had only happened twice. Sure, I could have put myself out there for the fetish junkies, but it wouldn't have moved me toward the women I knew I was and wanted to be.

When I thought about those two times I had had sex I thanked God it was over quickly on both occasions. All my sexual experiences with men were over the course of the four years I had been transitioning for God's sake - so I wasn't even sure what I wanted from an intimate encounter. I hadn't taken the training wheels off of my attempt to appreciate the female form my body was morphing into via HRT!

Yeah, I wasn't naive to what might be expected or what might be about to happen or even how to perform - but my confidence that I was anything like a CIS female was going to cripple Tyler's expectations. Was it too late to change my...

"You okay," Tyler asked.

I hesitated, "Yeah, just... This is very new for me, and I... Look, I'm not... I am still a ways from...," I had to stop speaking because what I was spewing was making me even more nervous and NOT doing anything for my confidence. Not to mention I didn't think I was making any sense - would he understand? My stomach roiled and I huffed a defeated sigh...

Tyler chuckled, "I'm good with just kicking back and watching TV or going for a walk or whatever you feel like Brea. Really, I just wanted to spend time with you... No expectations, I've got no demands. I just wanted to be with you. Do you want to just get comfortable, dial up a movie, and chill?"

Why? Why do you want to be with me? I'm not your typical woman. I've got all sorts of issues, hang ups, fears... Fuck!! Let that shit go God damn it!

"Sure..." That was all I could think to reply quietly in the dark of the room.

Tyler moved around me to the nightstand and clicked on a light. We both were squinting and I chuckled nervously - who knows why blinding light was the least bit funny to me at the moment. I watched him looking around the room until he found the remote for the TV. He picked it up and turned it on. I excused myself and headed into the bathroom, closing the door behind me - breathing a temporary sigh of relief.

OMG! What the hell are you doing?! I thought staring at myself in the mirror. No, WHAT the fuck are you doing?! This was probably a huge mistake. Tyler lived in Chicago! After this competition the likelihood of us furthering whatever this was would be slim. I shook my head - Fuck! Think... What is... Slow down, slow down, you can handle this... Think...

What do you need to do first to feel more comfortable? Gaff - get the tape and gaff off... I hiked my skirt and slip up, hooked my thumbs inside the waistband of the compression boy short panties, and slid them down until I could step out of them. Next - get the thong gaff off, which involved removing a couple strips of surgical tape - which was always slightly painful.

Being aroused, while being tucked, did pose comfort issues a few moments ago, so getting out of the gaff would be a relief. Gingerly I peeled the tape from the fabric of the gaff and then from the skin on the inside of my ass cheeks. The tape, while working as it should, did make for an uncomfortable removal process.

Fuck! That does not feel good! I pulled the second strip off quickly - Shit! There would be red marks down there from the tape - was that going to matter? Would Tyler even get the opportunity to see where I had been taped? Augh! Why was it so hard to transition, to be me?!

Tape and thong gaff removed, I stared at the biggest source of my gender dysphoria in all its pathetic glory. I didn't play the CIS female shave your pussy bullshit game - mostly because of razor burn, but also because I didn't have someone in my life to impress with a sexy smooth crotch area. I did keep the area neatly trimmed so it wasn't a bushy forest and because I liked to wear a bikini on occasion. Good grief!

I brushed the pubic hair absently and felt a sickening tinge in my gut. I'm not ready for this...

Grrr! Fuck it, nothing is going to happen tonight - we'll chill and watch TV. Put your big girl panties on and just go with the flow. I stepped into the compression boy shorts panties and adjusted that last bastion of male appendage down to somewhat hide it. I let my skirt and slip fall back into place, brushed it smooth in the front, and there was just the slightest sign of a bump showing. I absolutely hated that I could see that small lump down there, but it would have to do...

Move a little to the left you fucking dysphoria gorilla!

I checked my hair, fiddled with a few stray strands, and picked up a blush applicator to smooth out the makeup on my cheeks. One last look -- AUGH GOOD GOD! What happened to coming back to your room, practicing your songs for tomorrow, and going to bed?!

Tuesday, March 27th 10:29 PM

When I came back into the room I purposely left the bathroom light on and pulled the door nearly closed. I clicked the nightstand lamp off and with the light from the bathroom and TV - the room was a bit more relaxing - forgiving of my flaws. It also made it harder to see the tiny lump peeking through the front of my skirt.

Tyler was sitting at the foot of the bed scrolling through movie titles and looked over at me, "There she is... You look a bit more relaxed. All good?"

Had I been in the bathroom that long I wondered? Did I really look relaxed? It can't be that dark in here that he can't see my anxious anxiety has annihilated any confidence I might have!

"Yeah, I'm... I'll be fine...," and I joined him at the foot of the bed. I'm sure I was on the verge of shivering - nerves? Cold in here? Gorilla drool drying on my back?

"Something you care to watch," he asked putting a hand on my thigh as he clicked the button on the remote to move the selections of movies on the screen.

I wasn't in the mood to watch a movie and doubted seriously I could make it through one without falling asleep. I put my hand on his and asked if there were any music channels. He exited to the main menu, found some music and without asking selected an adult hits channel, which put us in the middle of the Bruno Mars song 'Locked out of Heaven'.

"How's that," he asked, while adjusting the volume to something akin to background noise.

"This song always makes me wanna dance...," I said trying my best to smiling like I had my shit together.

"I'll dance with you... Wanna," he asked shifting as if he were about to stand up and get 'jiggy wit it'.

"Nooo, no," I squeezed his hand, "Maybe if I can get us in the club tomorrow night we can explore my pathetic dance moves. I do a great 'chained elephant'..."

There was confusion on his face, so I stood and stepped side to side to the rhythm of the Bruno Mars song.

"Ah... That's one of my favorites dance steps," he said standing to join me in my attempt at being cute, funny.

When the song ended and another began he stepped towards me, taking my hips in his hands and we swayed to the beat of a song by the Arianna Grande I wasn't familiar with. The dancing lasted less than a couple seconds before we were kissing, bodies grinding seductively against each other, tongues seeking and finding pleasure.

He pulled away and kissed my neck, which made me shudder ever so slightly. His arms were wrapped around me, with his hands positioned on my ass trying to pull me even closer - which would be physically impossible since our bodies were already nearly one.

Tyler took my earlobe in his lips and I couldn't help but to moan - louder than I expected.

"You alright, I didn't hurt you did I," he asked concerned.

Was I 'alright'? Are you kidding me?! I'm high on the sexual tension and you aren't helping matters by pushing every erogenous zone button I have above my shoulders - all while your hands on my ass begging me to give myself to you completely. Am I 'alright'? I'm...

He shifted and I felt something stiff grind softly into my waist. I knew I was partially aroused and I was trying everything to keep him from feeling my tiny lump. I could certainly feel of his excitement down there and it felt substantial. In the end I didn't answer him, but found his lips and kissed him softly. He returned my efforts and the intensity of his tongue probing mine was mesmerizing.

I could feel his hands pulling my skirt and slip up towards my waist and before I could protest his hands were on my ass, sliding happily over the silky material of my panties. He was exploring for his own pleasure and certainly giving me more of a rise than he probably realized. He squeezed my ass softly and tried to pull me closer, causing me to grind his manhood firmly now into my midriff...

HRT had dulled my ability to get aroused at the drop of a hat like when I was a teenager. What was happening to me right now was proving my male parts still had some life left in them. As embarrassing and dysphoric as seeing that part of me was daily - there was no denying Tyler had me spun up right now.

It had been at least three, maybe four months since I had been worked up enough mentally, through watching porn, to have a mildly pathetic partial erection. Try as I might I couldn't bring myself to cum - though I worked at it pretty hard and eventually gave up in disgust and guilt. I loathed that appendage!

My ability to get aroused required a lot of mental gymnastics - which Tyler would be getting a "10" from the judges at this rate. Hormones were amazing - but did nothing except make that area between my legs virtually dormant -- unless my mind was fully engaged like it was at the moment. I wondered if after SRS / GCS if I would be able to enjoy an orgasm like when I was younger.

Many women said it was possible, but really involved being in the right mental frame of mind. Pretty sure I was half way there with being able to get the mental side of the coin dialed in right now. I'd have to wait a while longer to prove out the orgasm quest after surgery. The idea of having an orgasm like when I was...

My skirt dropping back into place snapped my mind back into the present - to Tyler pulling my blouse from being tucked inside my skirt. He stood back looking for my reaction and I made it clear to him by getting my hands on his belt he shouldn't stop. I was struggling a little getting that damn belt undone, but succeeded while he tried his best to undo the buttons on my blouse and not interrupting my efforts.

I didn't want to think about what was happening, to fear what was happening, so I just moved on to concentrating on undoing the button on his dress slacks, and then getting the zipper down. I pushed his pants down aggressively as he gave up on the buttons and was coaxing my blouse over my head. I raised my arms and wiggled out of the silky blouse as he pulled it up, over, and off. He tossed it absently toward the chair in the corner. I tried absently to do something about my messed up of my hair - fuck it - focus, focus...

For some reason we were both smiling at each other. Tyler with pants at his ankles and me in just my bra and skirt. We weren't being shy about fully taking in each other's bodies. He ran a hand over my chest, hooking a finger inside one of the cups and passing that finger over an aroused nipple. I did something similar to the stiff cock stretching the fabric of his athletic cut boxer shorts. He put a hand on my shoulder and I watched as he pried his feet from his slip-on loafers, then stepping out of his slacks while balancing himself against me.

He bent over and scooped up his pants, they went flying through the air towards my blouse. I reached out for his button-down shirt and got the first couple buttons undone, but he wanted to move this show along and ended up pulling it off over his head saving me from the tedious job of unbuttoning every button.

I was dreading having to remove my skirt, but at this point the vibe between us was keeping my demons at bay. I made the move, before he could, and reached around back to unzip my skirt, stepped out of it while shimmying down my slip, and because it was kind of 'our thing' right now - I tossed both towards the chair.

It unfortunately had a higher arch than expected and careened along the ceiling and fell short. Tyler looked back at where it landed, then back at me.

"You're not much of a hoopster, eh?"

I shrugged, in the dim light of the room and dark blue glare from the TV screen, "I'm not much of a sports kind of person. I like to watch almost any sport - I have never been too athletically inclined..."

He stepped in closer, "Ah, this body says differently... You must do something."

"I mountain bike a little, but really, I'm a couch potato... Good genes maybe?"

His hand were at my shoulders, then at my hips, "You're pretty cute, you know that..."

If the lighting was better he would see my face was flush, I turned away just in case he could see my beet-red face.

"Yeah... I doubt that," I replied sheepishly.

He cupped my chin with his hand, turned my face back towards his, and then leaned in to kiss me. Our bodies moved together and his excitement felt so much more pronounced. I wrapped my arms around his waist and without thinking gently squeezed a toned, muscular ass. He pulled away and looked at me with a little smirk on his face while squeezing my ass.

"Mmmuh... Very nice...," I said squeezing his ass again.