Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 112

Mike sighed. "I'm aware."

"But, and here's the really big question, why is he giving you time to think about it? If he knows you've got a secret shortcut, why not just tell you to bring him the eggs by dinnertime? Or be a big dick and demand them now?" Kisa put her hands on her hips. "If he doesn't want the Order showing up, why give you such a long time frame to plan for something?"

"Because..." Mike looked down at his lap and frowned. Why did the Captain give them such a long time frame? What was so special about daybreak? If Mike didn't bring the eggs, then Francois would--

"Night marchers." Mike looked up at Kisa with wide eyes. "They actually came out early, and it seems like they were hunting him specifically. He's afraid they'll do it again because I bet there are easily thousands of them."

"Shit, that's right!" Kisa hopped up and down. "The night marchers might help us!"

"So that's probably why he has a sunrise deadline. Once they come into play, he knows he's fucked."

Kisa nodded. "But that also means he thinks he can take the eggs before sundown. If he doesn't, then the marchers show up and ruin everything for him. So that's our deadline. If we stall him until sundown, we win. Who do you think will help?"

"The merfolk. Well, maybe." Mike frowned. He really didn't like the idea of asking anyone to potentially die for a cause that was his alone. "Why is it that the marchers can't come out during the day?"

"That's probably something you should ask Pele. The Order knows them pretty well, so Ingrid might know, too." Kisa bit her lip.

Mike nodded. At least he felt like they had some options and avenues to explore. "Okay, so let's get intel on the marchers and then see if the Order and merfolk might be able to help us out. What else should we do?"

"Well, that brings me back to those rules. We're all caught up in the Order's rules, the Great Game's rules, all that shit. What if we just stopped caring? Well, about the ones that aren't enforced, anyway. I bet the Captain thinks we're going to try and keep everything quiet so as not to upset the balance. But if we do end up fighting Francois, everyone on the island is going to see it. So why not go balls to the wall and give them a show they'll never forget?"

"I..." Mike looked up. "Hestia, if we did something like that, would it cause a problem?"

"Several, actually." The goddess made a face. "But the Great Game itself does not forbid it. You will gather plenty of attention from other...interested parties, though."

"Unspoken rule number one; thou shalt not do magic in public. Francois doesn't care, so no longer do we." Kisa held up a finger for emphasis. "So let's break that rule and give them hell."

"You said you had two unspoken rules."

"Unspoken rule number two." Kisa's ears went flat on her head and her voice became hard. "You don't fuck with the Radley family. That's a rule he's already broken, and it's time he pays up."

"While I agree with the sentiment, I'm not sure how that helps us."

"You've got a house full of very angry people who could really use something to do right now." The catgirl narrowed her eyes. "Francois didn't just call you out. He called us all out. This isn't just your fight. It belongs to all of us."

Mike took a deep breath in through his nose, then let it out. The catgirl was right. This was a problem everyone could contribute to. "Can we stay here for a little bit?" he asked the goddess.

"You can. Why?"

Mike cracked his knuckles and gestured with his hands. Before him, a trio of game boards appeared, all of them packed with different pieces that represented a member of his household. There were also hundreds of tiny little rat figurines. Kisa knelt down by the closest board to inspect a figurine that looked identical to her.

"Because I intend to use the extra time to come up with a plan." Mike picked up Beth's piece, the figurine warm in his hand. He studied it for several long moments, then set it back down. "We may be here a while."

Kisa looked up from her figurine. "Does my butt really look this big?"

"Yes."

The catgirl smirked. "Good."

Mike opened his eyes to see that Beth was kneeling in front of him with a look of concern on her face. His eyes dipped briefly to the valley of cleavage this had put in his face, but it was mainly out of reflex. In that brief moment, his magic reached out for hers, causing Beth's cheeks to turn bright red.

"How long was I out?" he asked.

"Maybe a minute?" Beth stood back and offered a hand. "Naia said you were communing with Hestia."

"I was. That place is like the Dreamscape, I was there for..." He frowned, unable to quantify the time spent. Had it been hours? Days? It didn't really matter. He let Beth help him to his feet. "I've got bad news. I met with the Captain in the garden of the gods. He's planning to kill everyone on Maui if I don't hand over the clutch that Di is guarding."

"What?" Beth took a step back in shock. "How?"

"The guy has been saving up undead for centuries and is gonna let them all loose. We have until sunrise tomorrow in Hawaii to figure out how to stop him and protect the residents."

"But that's..." Beth cut herself off with the wave of a hand. "How are we going to do it?"

"I need your help. I need everybody's help." He looked at Eulalie. "You still have all those government contacts from doing odd jobs for them, right?"

"I do, but..." Eulalie fidgeted with her hands. "What about the kids?"

Mike narrowed his eyes. "I stayed much longer after the Captain left. I have a plan for the kids." It had been a constant back and forth between himself, Hestia, and Kisa. Between the three of them, they had hotly debated all the possible outcomes as well as identifying the ones that were most likely to succeed. "I have a plan for everything."

"There's my little boy scout." Lily sauntered over and leaned her head on Mike's shoulder. "Always prepared for anything."

"I've come to expect the unexpected. Beth, I need you back in Maui."

She bit her lower lip and looked up at him. "What do you need me to do?"

"First, you're going to speak with Pele. You'll like her, she's really nice. We need to know why the night marchers only come out when it's dark, and to see if we can bypass that somehow. If we can get the marchers to come out during the day, we stand a very strong chance of saving the people who live on the island. I also want you to talk with the merfolk and get them on our side. We're going to need their help as well."

Beth nodded. "I'll do my best."

"I know you will." Mike felt his phone vibrate. He pulled it from his pocket and saw that it was a text. "It's Ingrid. She's letting me know that dickhead is on his way back and that she could use our help. " He handed the phone to Lily. "You're my liaison with the Order. I need you to go as me, but take it seriously. No funny business. You know their people better than I do. Don't just agree to helping them. Make them offer their help to us. I don't want to get caught up in another pissing match with their higher ups. Stay visible, I want Francois to think that you're me."

"Let's play the sexy shell game again." Lily's features rippled and she became Mike. "I'll try to remain the center of attention," she said in his voice.

The back door of the home slammed open. Mike looked over to see Tink storming out, her yellow eyes tinged with red. Kisa was close behind her, a worried look on her face. Tink threw a dirty look at Lily-Mike and moved to stand in front of Mike.

"Did Kisa explain what happened?" he asked.

The goblin nodded.

Mike sighed. "Good. What I need from you is--"

"No."

Mike blinked in surprise and noticed how quiet the backyard suddenly was. He looked at the others to see his own surprise mirrored in their faces.

"Why not?" Mike asked.

"Tink go after baby legs." The goblin stepped forward to stare directly up at Mike. "Nobody stop Tink."

"That's not going to happen. Tink, I know you want to go after the kids, but I need you somewhere else. Other families are in just as much danger, and I think you might be the only one who can figure out how to help them. You're the smartest person here by a long shot, which is why you're going to be in charge of everything over in Maui. Kisa will explain the plan we came up with, and I know you'll make it a hundred times better. Between your brain and Eulalie's tech, we have a chance of winning."

"Tink refuse." The goblin bared her teeth at him. "Go save kids."

"How are you going to do that?" Mike tapped the edge of Tink's goggles. "Are you planning to steal a car and catch up with the others? Shoot everyone you see until you find them?"

The goblin's lower lip quivered. "Tink do anything for family."

"Then I need you to trust me, to believe me when I say that the best place for you is over there." He looked up at the others. "Eulalie, you and Tink will take point on this. You're also going to need the rats, all of them. Reggie, where are you?"

"Caretaker." The rat king hopped onto the edge of the fountain and bowed. "I am at your service."

"You have roughly twelve hours to figure out how and where to evacuate an entire island using portals." Amymone actually gasped at this. Lily broke into wild laughter.

"Are you sure that's the best idea?" asked Ratu, lines of concern on her forehead.

"No, I'm not." Mike looked at her sadly. "But it's what I've got. You're going with Tink. Everyone able to leave must go and help. It's the only chance we have. Whatever decision she makes, no matter how insane it sounds, do it." He looked back at the goblin. "Because I believe in her."

"Husband no go?" The goblin wiped her nose with the back of her hand.

"Not yet." He smiled and knelt down so they were eye level with each other. "The reason I don't want you going after the kids is because I am. In the same way that I believe in you, I need you to believe in me."

Tink sniffled. "Tink always believe in husband."

"I know." He shifted her goggles to place a kiss on her forehead. "And once I bring the kids home, I'll come find you. Then you can fill me in on the beautiful plan you've devised." He stood up straight and looked at the others. "So I guess I'll see you all in Hawaii."

"Not fair." Amymone pouted with her arms crossed. "Being stationary bites. I suppose you're just gonna leave Naia and me to watch the house while you're all gone?"

"I can seal the front entrance by shifting the earth." Ratu started walking toward the back door. "They'll have to climb the walls to get in."

"I'll see if the centaurs will shoot anyone who tries. They can be here for when the kids return. Hey, the jabberwock is still around, right?" Mike tried to look at Yuki, then remembered she wasn't there.

Eulalie made a face. "It is, but someone needs to hose it off. It's...a messy eater."

"Between the jabberwock and the lions, we should be okay." Mike rubbed his forehead in frustration. Even though his body was fine, his brain felt tired. "Sorry, trying to keep everything straight. I need to get ready. Ratu, when you're done sealing the entrance up, feel free to alter the walls to make them harder to scale. Before you head back to Maui, you should grab the wand of Osiris. We need every edge we can get."

"What if Isis comes for it?" asked Beth.

"Even better. We could ask her to help us with our problem in exchange for its return." Ever since claiming the wand of Osiris, Mike had tried various methods of contacting the goddess, but had failed. He sometimes wondered if she was like Freya and had hidden herself away to avoid the gaze of the Outsiders.

Ratu bowed her head in acknowledgement and then walked into the house. Mike turned to Beth. "Come with me."

The two of them went inside, followed by some of the others. Eulalie squirmed through a portal to her lair in the Library along with Reggie and a bunch of rats. Tink and Kisa went upstairs to the bedroom, most likely for a proper change of clothes. Mike walked into the living room and looked around for several seconds before addressing a lamp by the front door.

"Hey, buddy, how are you doing?"

A thin metal arm peeled away from the base of the lamp and waved at him.

"I'm gonna need the Grimoire." Mike turned his back on Tick Tock and Beth followed his lead. There was a flumping sound, and when they looked back at the mimic, it was a small treasure chest that opened with a chime. Inside lay the Grimoire of Morgan Le Fey. Mike picked up the book and patted the mimic affectionately. "Thanks."

"What are you doing?" asked Beth.

"Breaking an unspoken rule of my own." Mike held up the book. "I need a quick primer on how to use it."

Beth stared hungrily at the book. "It's addictive," she muttered, looking up at Mike. "A shortcut that shouldn't be taken."

"Tonight is the night for shortcuts. I'm going to use this to get my kids back if I have to." Mike cracked open the book and studied the blank pages within. The paper glowed ominously as words magically wrote themselves across the page.

"I guess, but even Yuki couldn't track them with magic. The book is powerful, but if they've been hidden properly, it's not something you can just brute force." Beth frowned. "Not without using the more powerful stuff, anyway. But even looking at those pages might kill you."

He waved a hand dismissively. "Oh, the book isn't for tracking them. I already know how I'm going to do that."

"So then what is it for?"

"Creative problem solving." He snapped the book shut. "Getting the kids back is too important. Be prepared, remember? I promise I'll only use it if I have to." His mind immediately went to Emily and the power that had eventually corrupted her. Hestia had warned him about using the Grimoire for anything that wasn't a natural extension of his own abilities and he intended to heed her advice.

Beth sighed. "Just think about what you need the magic to do," she said. "Then open the book or flip the pages. It senses what you need and then shows it to you."

"Thank you." Mike stared at the tome, then looked over at Tick Tock. "Want to come with me? There will probably be snacks."

The treasure box hopped up and down in excitement. When nobody was looking, there was a leathery snap and the mimic became a backpack. Mike put the Grimoire back in Tick Tock and then slung it onto his shoulders.

"You've got plenty of energy today," he said, patting the straps. "Did you eat earlier?"

One of the backpack flaps unzipped and a red, fabric tongue lolled out. The Caretaker tightened the straps and moved toward the backdoor, but Beth stopped him.

"Let me talk to the centaurs for you," she said, then leaned forward to kiss him on the cheek. "Go get your kids. Stay alive."

"Beth." Mike gazed into her eyes and then kissed her on the mouth. She melted into him, but only for a moment. Her magic sang out to his, causing it to resonate inside his body. When their kiss broke, Mike smiled and let out a sigh.

"It's gonna be a long day," he said, then moved toward the front door. "If you'll excuse me, I have a tree to catch."

"You know where to go?"

He nodded. "I just have to follow Bigfoot's trail."

"Weren't you going to change?"

"Oh, right. I forgot." He headed for the stairs and stopped at the bottom. "Hey, you still in there?" Mike poked the collar of his shirt. Daisy popped free and hovered in front of him. "I need your sisters' help. Go get them. Oh, and please find me some rats."

Mike jogged up the stairs to his bedroom and changed into clothes that didn't stink of ash. By the time he finished, a few furry figures stood in his doorway.

"I need some of you guys to come with me," he said as he tied his shoes. The rats looked at each other in hesitation, their whiskers vibrating with anxiety. "It's not for anything dangerous," Mike assured them. "I just need you around to open a portal for the kids after I find them is all."

After some chittering back and forth, one of them stepped forward and did a little head bob.

"We come," it said, and the rats gathered around his feet. They followed him down the stairs to the front room where Eulalie stood, her eyes on his while he descended.

"Mike." The Arachne held up her weapon. "Take Mace with you."

"Thank you." Mike held out his hand and the enchanted weapon flew into it. He hefted the weapon over his shoulder. "I'm starting to feel like a one man army, here."

There was a loud bang from the back of the house, and all four fairy girls came shooting around the corner, leaving glittering trails behind them. They giggled as they flew, then landed on the head of Mace.

"Forward!" shouted Olivia.

"To victory!" added Carmine.

"Death to our enemies!" Cerulea pumped her hand so hard that she fell off and had to fly back up.

"Good luck." Eulalie stepped aside to allow him to pass.

Mike opened the front door and walked out onto the porch. He stared in horror at what was left of his yard, as well as what remained all over it. "That...is a lot of blood."

"Watch your step," Cerulea said from atop Mace.

"No slipping!" added Carmine.

Olivia put a hand over her mouth and gagged. Daisy just shook her head and signed at Mike.

"Yeah, let's go."

He walked across the yard to find the jabberwock, its stomach bulging out at an awkward angle. If he didn't know better, it looked like the beast had swallowed a car whole. The jabberwock listened to its new orders and then shifted to take up a new napping location by the house. Its stomach bounced on the ground as it walked, causing the creature to wobble dangerously. Before it could reach the front porch, it made a retching sound and then vomited up the gore-covered front half of a black suburban.

"I definitely don't want to see what comes out next," Mike muttered as he turned away. He heard the jabberwock wretch again, followed by a noise that could only be described as a bag of soup hitting concrete. The rats at his feet gasped in horror. Cerulea dropped onto his collar and squirmed inside his shirt.

Mike spoke with the plants on his property and was led to a small copse of trees in one corner. They had been planted shortly after Amymone returned to life and were thriving quite well, though some of their leaves were scorched. A portal opened in one of them and Mike stepped through, emerging at a local park.

He traveled in this manner, bouncing across the city as he traced Bigfoot's path. The trees were extremely eager to share that they had seen the cryptid come marching through. He was essentially a celebrity and trees loved to gossip. Roughly twenty minutes later, Mike found himself in the middle of the woods. He stopped for a moment and cocked his head.

"Do you feel that?" he asked the fairies. The sensation was similar to hiding beneath a blanket and it took him a minute to realize that he couldn't sense Kisa's presence. Stepping back through the tree's portal, he could once again sense the cat girl.

"Looks like I'm where I need to be." Mike stepped back through and asked the nearest trees if they could point him in the direction of Bigfoot or the others. They rustled as if the wind passed through their branches, his mind filled with brief emotional snapshots of Bigfoot, Dana, and Yuki. Jenny was likely being carried and was beneath the tree's notice.

"All right girls, your time to shine." He snapped his fingers and the fairies moved to hover in front of him. "Track down the others. Let them know I'm here and have a way to find the kids. Daisy, you'll stay with me so your sisters can bring the others back."

The yellow fairy saluted and buzzed into his shirt pocket. The other fairies shot off into the woods, spiraling upward to get a better view. Mike looked down at the rats by his feet.

"Keep up with me, but stay back a bit. If things get violent, I want you to hide. Let me know right away if you find an abandoned shed or something we can use to put a portal in."