Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 048

"Hi." She looked at the gate. "What are you looking at?"

"Thought I heard something." The nymph sank into the fountain, her body disappearing beneath the water up to her shoulders. "It's been unusually quiet this morning. Everybody is busy getting ready to send Mike and Beth to the faerie realm."

"Really?" She replayed the memories in her head from last night. After helping Tink, she had rushed straight to the garage, caught up in her own head. "When are they leaving?"

"Tonight, when it gets dark, but I don't know the full details." She bobbed up and down, sending ripples through the water. "I hope he isn't gone for too long."

"I'm sure he'll be fine. He seems unusually lucky when it comes to stuff like this."

Naia laughed. "Trouble also sure does seem to find him."

Dana laughed, then went inside. Mike and the others were sitting around the table going over the details of his trip, but she noticed that there was no sign of Beth. After a few minutes of listening, she realized that none of the plans required her expertise, so wandered off to find something else to keep her busy.

The house still had some damage from yesterday, so she spent some time doing basic repairs. On more than one occasion, she found herself looking up at the third floor of the new addition.

From the outside, it had a dome-like structure with no windows, which meant it was going to be difficult to get inside. Replacing busted shingles and spackling over cracks became boring after several hours, and she decided to go check out the third floor door again.

A small squad of rats had been stationed outside the door. A couple of them were keeping watch, but the rest of them were playing a card game on the floor when she arrived.

"Seen anything interesting?" Dana asked.

The rats looked at the door, then back to her and shrugged.

The wall across from the door was patched up with some spare particle board and a thin layer of newly applied plaster around the edges. It was what she and Tink had finished the previous night, and was probably what the goblin would work on tomorrow if given a chance.

Behind her, she heard the click of a door. When she turned around, she saw Beth coming out of her room. There were dark circles under her eyes, and her hair was unkempt. She was wearing a long t-shirt and nothing else, and she smelled delicious—an odor reminiscent of butter cookies and roses, with just a hint of spice beneath.

"Oh, thought I heard someone." She yawned, then looked at the rats. "How is everybody today?"

The rats gave a series of chirps and squeaks in response, then went back to their game. Beth walked over and stood next to Dana, then looked at the door. "Heard you had a bad experience with this thing."

"Yeah." The experience itself hadn't been bad; it was the aftermath that had triggered some issues. Still, she saw no need to correct her. "It's password protected. You're sleeping in pretty late. It's almost one in the afternoon."

"I feel like shit." She yawned again. "I was up late going over faerie etiquette, and when I fell asleep, I had a bunch of nightmares. I think having that piece of demon removed from my soul was kind of like a spiritual teeth cleaning, and I'm still sore or something."

"Oh? What does that feel like?"

"I'm a fucking grouch. Don't feel up to going tonight, but that's not up to me."

"Why not ask Mike to wait? If you aren't feeling good, I'm sure he would understand."

"Actually, he did offer to wait. Time flows differently in the faerie realm, and I don't want Cecilia to wait another five years or something because I'm dealing with a demonic hangover." She rubbed her eyes and yawned again. "Anyway, I'm going to get some coffee. You want some?"

"I do."

"Great, let me change first." Beth went back in her room.

Dana waited in the hall for a few minutes, and when Beth emerged, she wore a pair of jeans and a button up shirt. Her hair was piled high with a clip, and they walked down the stairs together, then skirted the conversation in the dining hall. Once in the kitchen, Beth saw that there was coffee in the pot and poured a pair of glasses for both of them. She opened the door of the fridge and grabbed the creamer and then a shot glass of spunk for Dana.

"I'll try not to mix them up." She winked, then put some cream in her coffee. "So can you really not drink anything without adding this stuff to it?"

"I tried it once." Dana picked up her cup, not sure how to tell Beth that she wasn't interested in the coffee, but her company. "It doesn't taste like anything, really."

"So is it just numb in your mouth? Like, completely flavorless?"

"Essentially. Imagine if someone poured a glass of water in a recent coffee cup and then tasted it." She took a sip to demonstrate, but her mouth was suddenly flooded with the bitter taste of dark roast, causing her to spit it out immediately.

"Hey, you don't have to prove—"

"No, that's not it." Dana took another sip of coffee, then looked at Beth in awe. "I can taste it!"

"Wait, really?" Beth frowned at her own cup. "Is it... because..."

"No, I know what that tastes like, and this isn't it." She took another sip. "It tastes terrible, like it's burnt, but it's actually coffee." It was like some of her taste buds had randomly activated and were taking their best guess at what the dark fluid should taste like without properly consulting each other.

"Well, cheers then." Beth held up her glass. "To the mysteries of the Radley house."

"Indeed. I think I'll pass on the cream this morning. Don't know when I'll need it." She didn't feel like spending the afternoon feeling horny, not after last night anyway, and she wanted to have a clear head this afternoon.

Dana took the shot glass and put it back in the fridge, noticing that a couple extra glasses had been placed there already. It seemed like Mike had prepared for a semi-long departure, just in case.

That was who Mike Radley was. In all the time she had lived in the house, she was still looking at him as the man she had to deal with, forced to consume his juices to stay alive. But he was also the man who went out of his way to help her be comfortable, who always gave the others choices, and rubbed out some extra man juice for her knowing that he would be away soon. He was constantly thinking of others and trying to make them all happy.

"Hey, you good?" Beth put a hand on Dana's wrist. "You zoned out there."

"Yeah, just thinking." It wasn't just Mike that she thought about. Had she ever had a conversation with Beth before? They had lived together for awhile now, and Beth was the only other human woman that lived there. They had both been pulled into this crazy-ass world against their will, so they probably had more in common than she realized.

"About?"

"Just stuff and things." She had properly moved in after her trek across the States, and was in a holding pattern until Ratu told her what to do next. But even though she had become a part of the household, she hadn't spent much time with the others outside of what was necessary. If she truly admitted it, she had been treating the home as a rest stop.

But to where?

"Well, I guess I'll leave you to it." Beth smiled and headed for the door. "Duty calls."

"Later." Dana took another sip of her coffee, then dumped it out. The excitement of being able to taste it didn't dampen the fact that it tasted nasty. She rinsed out the cup, then put it back where it belonged.

A quick trip into the dining room revealed that everybody but Beth had scattered. She was sitting over some old books and scribbling notes to herself, so Dana left her alone and kept going. Moving from room to room, she couldn't help but notice just how much life and movement there was. Everybody seemed to have a job, and pursued it with gusto.

She walked out into the front yard and wandered into the garden, moving through the maze with ease. If she closed her eyes, she could picture it down to the inch. Many restless nights had been spent wandering it, and it was properly mapped out in her mind.

"The house seems busy today." Sulyvahn was sitting on the sundial with a faint smile on his face.

"Oh. Hi." She tilted her head. "Should you really be doing that?"

"Doing what?" A look of concern crossed his face.

"Sitting on the sundial."

"I... don't see why not." He hopped down and inspected it. "It doesn't seem cracked or anything."

"Never mind." She remembered how abrupt she had been with him yesterday morning, and wondered if it was too late to get a fresh start and be friendly to the newcomer. "Sorry about yesterday. I was in a hurry."

"Hmm? Oh, right." He laughed. "I'm used to it. People usually run and scream when they see me coming, so I hardly noticed."

"Why do they run and scream?"

"It's my job. Hunting down the departed." He squinted one eye. "Ya look different today. Something's changed."

She nodded. "I think something has. I couldn't tell you what though, so feel free to enlighten me."

"That's the queer bit. I can't quite figure it out myself, but I get a feelin' off of ya." He looked over Dana's shoulder at the small shed Tink was finishing up. The rats were already inside, the sounds of their teeth chewing into wood carrying across the yard. "As for that, I've already heard. Sounds like Mike is planning to go see Her Majesty."

"Who did you hear that from?"

"It isn't exactly a secret. They were all out here this morning chattin' about it." He grabbed Dana's wrist and pulled her toward him. "Beggin' yer pardon, but if you've any sway with the man, ye should beg him not to go."

Her first impulse was to pull away from the dullahan, but his dark eyes somehow conveyed sincerity. His lips were pulled into a tight frown, and he looked past her at the shed.

"I mean it. If he goes over there, he may never come back."

"You seem adamant against him going."

"I'll let you in on a little secret." He lowered his voice. "The fae realm is boring. Has been for many of your years now. It's complicated, but something happened a ways back that caused the queen to forbid the fae from interacting with humans outside o' the old contracts. She dinna want my kind and your kind mixing, you see."

"What happened?"

"I canna say."

Dana rolled her eyes.

"No, really. Like, I can't speak the words at all. She forbade us from speaking of it, and when the queen forbids something, we canna do it, even if we want ta."

"Are you afraid of her?"

"No more than a child fears its mother, but she has her own ways, she does pity those who incur the wrath of the queen." He shivered. "Would ye at least be talkin' to him?"

"No." She curled up one side of her lips into a grin. "When Mike decides he is doing something, it's no different than when the queen forbids it."

Sulyvahn laughed, a sound that was a cross between a bark and the cawing of a crow. "Well now, an unstoppable force versus an immovable object. I wonder who will win?"

She looked across the yard. Tink was inspecting the outer perimeter of the shed, and a few centaurs had come over to help her. Reggie was staring into the open door of the shed and reading off of a sheet of paper.

"I guess we will have to find out."

She left him there, in the garden, and wandered up to the porch. The debris in the yard had been cleared away, and Cecilia's swing had been moved to the far side of the door, away from the damaged porch. She took a seat and watched the world pass by, wondering what her place in it should be. She wondered about the sudden urge to self-reflect, and if it was somehow related to yesterday.

The hours crept by, and when it was dark, she could hear the others eating dinner inside. Out in the yard, a few centaurs were doing some final maintenance on the grounds before clearing out for the night, and Sulyvahn kept them company, his dark form wandering among the shrubs.

Hours after the sun had set, she was startled from her thoughts by a commotion inside the house. Mike came outside, reset the sundial, and ran back in without another word. Curious, she followed him in to see the others were standing in the living room waiting for him. He was wearing a sports coat with a button down shirt and fresh-pressed slacks. Even though his tie was crooked, Dana had to admit that he cut a striking figure. Tink, Yuki and Sofia stood nearby, and Reggie watched from the stairs while sitting next to Jenny.

"Special occasion?" she asked.

"You can say that." He checked his pockets, which were filled with an assortment of odd items and a couple sheets of paper. "Hoping to gain an audience with the queen. Gotta dress for the occasion."

"Well, you look nice. What's all that stuff?" She gestured at his pockets.

"Um, well..." He looked up at Sofia. "Have you ever watched any of the James Bond spy movies?"

She nodded. "My dad was a fan, so I watched them. Loved all the gadgets that Q built for him. It was my favorite part of each movie."

"Okay, well, these are faerie-realm-specific gadgets." He opened his hand to reveal a bunch of shiny buttons. "Nothing dangerous to the fae themselves, but there are other creatures that live there that may cause problems, so it should be okay."

"Mike." She moved close to him, her eyes on his. "You do realize that you're holding a handful of buttons and calling them spy gadgets. Are you sure you're up for this?"

"Smaller fae are distracted by shiny objects," Sofia explained. "We went with buttons instead of coins to avoid taking iron into their realm."

"Still, though... buttons." Maybe Sulyvahn was right, but she had no idea what to say to him to talk him out of it. "What else do you have in there?"

"Ah, well, a few different things. Oh, and some snacks. Apparently we shouldn't eat anything while we're there, just in case."

"Buttons. And snacks." She shook her head. "I hope Beth is better prepared than you are."

"Always am." Beth's voice came from up the stairs, followed by her footsteps. Everyone looked up the stairs as Beth descended. She wore a red blazer over a white blouse with a matching red skirt, and her hair was pulled up into a bun. She carried a messenger bag slung over one shoulder. "I've got everything I need, anyway."

"Okay, so I think we're ready." Mike clapped his hands together and looked at the others.

"Almost," Beth said when she got to the bottom of the stairs. She adjusted the collar of Mike's dress shirt and then re-tied his tie for him. "There. Now you look like you're ready to meet the queen."

His face turned red, and Beth ran her hand down his tie, pressing it flat against his chest. "Do you have everything?"

"I do," he replied.

"I really think I should be going with you," Yuki said, scowling at both of them.

"I would love to have you with me, but we want to be a non-threat. Just me and my attorney." He flashed Beth a smile.

"And Tink!" the goblin piped up.

"Not Tink." He patted her on the head. "I need all of you here to watch the house. I just reset the dial, but you will all need to keep an eye out for me, okay?"

Tink rolled her eyes and sat down on the couch, her face stuck in a frown.

"Oh, and Dana... you good?" he asked.

She nodded. "Yeah. I'm in good shape for a few days now, thank you."

His cheeks turned red again, and he looked at Reggie. "Okay, I think we're ready."

"Follow me, Caretaker." Reggie took them outside where a small shed had been built in the front yard. Sulyvahn was waiting for them, leaning against the frame of the shed and shaking his head.

"Is there a problem?" Mike asked.

"This is a terrible idea. The queen is..." The dullahan sighed. "I can't stop ye. Friendly advice is all."

"You could just lead us there."

"Nope. Worse idea. Anyone showing up in your company is in for a world of hurt. Mark my words." Sulyvahn stepped away from the shed. "Yer welcome to yer fate, let no man stand in your way." He threw Dana a knowing wink, and she thought back on his words.

"On that, we see eye to eye." Mike looked at the others. "We will be back as soon as possible. We know that time can be weird in there, but based on Ratu's calculations, the faerie realm should be close to synced up with ours. Every hour here will be three in there, so I'm hoping we will be back by tomorrow night."

Hugs were quickly exchanged, and then Mike opened the door to the shed. Inside, a portal had been opened in the wall. Through it she could see a starlit sky and a mossy forest with large rocks scattered about. A cold breeze came through the portal and washed over the front yard.

Mike chuckled and looked at Beth. "I'm looking forward to seeing you in action. Ever try a case for before royalty?"

"There's a first time for everything. But if this works, it's going on my resume. And I'm increasing my fee." Beth winked, then stepped through the portal. Mike followed, and everyone watched as they walked through the forest on the other side, using their phones as flashlights.

"Yer friends are bitin' off more than they can chew," Sulyvahn said, shaking his head. "The queen, she will not be amused."

Dana looked at him, then over her shoulder. Abella clung to the roof of the porch, her tail curled up on the shingles behind her. Tink sat on the front step of the porch next to Yuki, both of them scowling. In the window, Jenny had pressed herself against the glass.

"In my opinion, if something happens to them, it's your queen who should be careful." Dana turned her attention back to the shed. Reggie had closed the door, the cold breeze vanishing.

"You be thinkin' the two of them a match for the queen?" Sulyvahn's voice was laced with disbelief.

"Not at all, actually." She nodded her head at the others. "It's them she needs to worry about. Them... and me." A smile crossed her face. "And the centaurs, too. Everybody would go to Hell and back for Mike."

Sulyvahn bowed his head. "I judge the man, but maybe it's the company he keeps that should impress me."

"Now you're getting it. I—"

A loud blast of thunder shook the front yard, and the others stepped off the porch, eyes to the sky. A second blast came, followed by a third, but the sky was clear in every direction. Abella's head was clutched tightly in her hands as she protected her ears, and the Jabberwock lifted its head, sniffing the air.

"It's coming from there!" Yuki pointed at the shed. A bright light had filled the shed, increasing in intensity until the whole building glowed like a lightbulb. The kitsune summoned a wall of frost which the others took cover behind.

"What the hell is that?" Dana asked, looking to Sulyvahn. His dark eyes were on the ominous light, his mouth hanging open.

"That... that's the queen's magic!" He bolted, running for cover around the side of the house. Dana wondered if she should follow suit when the front door of the shed blew apart, light spilling across the yard. A figure sailed through the air and crashed into the bushes beneath the porch.

"Husband!" Tink was already running to Mike's side when another figure was launched from the shed, and Abella leapt into the air from the roof, catching Beth in her talons and then landing safely in the yard. The whole shed began to vibrate, the wood shaking itself apart as an electrical field radiated outward. Dana's hair stood on end, and her whole body now crackled with her movements. The whole yard was buzzing with electric streamers forming along the edges of the house.

Dana held up a hand in awe. Thin, blue streamers stuck out of her fingers, and became bigger when she pushed them together. It was St. Elmo's fire, a phenomenon typically caused by an immense buildup of an electrical charge. Her feet were getting shocked around the soles of her shoes, and she moved away from the shed, worried about what was to come.

The shed exploded, and a bright white figure was thrown through the air. It was a woman with long, white hair, and she was completely naked. She formed a parabolic path across the yard, scorching the ground beneath her with blasts of miniature lightning.