Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 059

"This spider was supposed to be part of a prank," Death informed Beth, as if letting her in on some big secret. "Please do not tell Mike Radley, for I wish to prank him later." He looked at the shadow. "And as for your map, the goblin Tinker ate it and introduced me to a fun joke involving toilet paper on someone's home. I would have been home sooner, but we got lost after running from a car with flashing lights. It was great fun."

"Uh...okay." Beth didn't know what else to say.

Death discarded the toy spider and stuck his hand back in his robes again while continuing to block the beam with his free hand. When he pulled it out this time, it was like watching a cartoon pull a hammer from its pocket. A long staff emerged, taller than Death himself, and when he tapped it on the ground, a curved blade appeared. He gave the scythe an experimental swing, and it made a soft whooshing noise similar to someone whistling in a graveyard.

"Ah, there we go." Death turned his attention toward the shadow. "It appears that I missed you the first time, but I shan't miss again."

The shadow's features distorted, and he shouted something in a foreign tongue. The remaining spirits rushed in toward Death, yelling battlecries with their weapons held high.

Death moved so fast, it was like watching ink splash across the yard. He swung his scythe and tore through the warriors like paper, their faces frozen in shock as they shattered like glass and fell to the ground in pieces and then melted. The shadow's beam couldn't keep up with him as he danced around the yard, his scythe ripping through the shadow's remaining troops.

"No! No!" The shadow spun around and pointed at the house. The surface of the sphere rippled before becoming a fiery orb that cast light much like the sun. Beams of light barreled into the house, and Beth caught a whiff of wood-smoke.

The bird on top of the house stomped its feet, and then tumultuous rain from above fell on the house, extinguishing the early flames. The shadow let out a cry of anger, and spun around in time for Death to cut him in half.

Instead of evaporating like the other spirits, the shadow let out a shriek and fell apart like sand. Tiny pieces of his body hit the ground and sparkled like gemstones, many of them crumbling into ash. Death tilted his head in curiosity, then knelt down to pick one of them up.

"Is he gone?" Beth had picked up the Grimoire and now stood next to Death. "And I can see you. How can I see you?"

"He was barely here in the first place, his soul was like a string that held these poor, trapped souls together. There wasn't even enough of him left to tell who he was." Death flicked the soul he was holding into the air, where it vanished with a pop. "As for my presence, I think you already know that today is a special occasion."

Sulyvahn limped over, then knelt down to pick up one of the fragments. "If ye dinna mind, this one technically be my responsibility. And kin I say, an honor meeting yerself in the flesh, as it were."

Death said nothing and just watched as the souls sparkled and then fizzled out. As the last one vanished, Sulyvahn's horse came over and let out a soft whinny.

"You have a very fine steed," Death said, then put his hand out toward the spectral beast. The horse pressed its nose into Death's bony hand and let out a huff. "It is almost as big as my own."

Sulyvahn chuckled, and then moved next to Beth. "Well lass, t'was an exciting night. Hopefully Lord Mike won't be too angry when he sees how ye left the place."

Up above, the lightning and rain died down as the last trickle of souls left the home. Somewhere in the distance, Cerberus howled, and Beth let out a sigh as the night went silent. Unfortunately, she could hear water running inside the house, and hoped it was something Tink would be able to fix.

Tink!

"C'mon, let's go inside," she said. "We can check on Abella, and I want to make sure Jenny is okay. Once we get Abella outside, she can help us find Kisa and Tink, figure out where they went." She knelt down and picked up Cerulea, who was covered in dirt but unharmed.

"The wee ghost should be fine, if not a bit startled," Sulyvahn added. "That one can take more than a lash, I promise ye."

She nodded, then turned to Death, who was now wandering the front yard rubbing his skull anxiously. His scythe had disappeared, and he crouched down to pick something up.

"Everything okay?" she asked, still amazed that she could see him.

"It is now," Death replied, then turned to face her while slipping something into his robes. "I thought I had lost my spider and would be forced to give Mike Radley a treat instead of a trick."

She laughed, the trauma of the night suddenly overwhelming her. Hugging the Grimoire to her chest, she stepped away from the house so that she could look up at Quetzalli. "Thank you," she shouted so that she could be heard. "I think we've had enough lightning for the night."

"You can never have too much lightning," Quetzalli replied while adjusting her horn. "But you are very welcome."

Mike watched in awe as Lily attacked the queen while Ratu brought down balls of blazing fire. Lily was immune to the heat, and was whirling about in a tight leather outfit with a pair of black batons that she used to block the swords. Zel placed herself between Mike and his mothers, her hands going to her pouch.

"If you're going to make an appearance," she said, "now rather than later would be great."

An eerie wail filled the air and Cecilia passed through the wall of the house, her shrieks causing his moms' voices to be drowned out. They tried to attack the banshee, but burst into smoke in the presence of her screams.

"Mmph?" he asked.

"Tink fix." The goblin crawled up from under the porch holding a cutting torch. He shrugged and knelt down, allowing her to cut the metal off his face. It was a trick that wouldn't work in the real world, but as long as he didn't focus on specifics, it wouldn't hurt him in the Dreamscape.

Lily let out a yelp and was tossed through the air, allowing the queen to summon rays of golden light that circled Ratu, forcing her to dance about as the ground turned black around her. Seeing an opening, the queen raced toward Mike, her swords held high, only to be intercepted by Abella, who tackled her from above and knocked her to the ground.

"I heard you like it rough," Abella said, then punched the queen in the mouth. The queen shrieked in rage and blocked the gargoyle's blows with one set of arms while the others twisted about in a set of gestures. Thick vines wrapped around Abella and ripped her away just as Tink got the metal plate off of Mike's face.

"How?" he asked, then moved away as the queen leapt over Zel and stabbed the door with one of her swords. She slashed him across his midsection and was about to hit him again when Tink crawled up her side and bit the side of her boob.

"Cursed goblin!" The queen ripped Tink free and made to stab her, but the blade was blocked and then countered by Sofia. Though the cyclops was eclipsed by the queen's size, she was quick enough to dodge and deflect her blows with ease.

"I think you know how," Zel said with a smirk, then jumped away as the battle moved her way.

"Are all of you in my head?" he asked.

"Not all of us," Zel replied. "But it is getting rather full in here. Now, if you don't mind, could you help us out a bit?"

"Absolutely." He jumped off the porch and fixed an object in his mind. It was difficult to make from dirt, but eventually a large, marble basin formed in the front yard and filled with water.

"You tricked me, Caretaker! I'll have your head!" The queen's blades whirled in place as she summoned a series of glowing runes that blasted the cyclops out of the way. Once the path was clear, she grabbed her blades out of the air and came toward him. Cecilia rushed in and let out a scream, but the queen was unfettered by the aural assault and tore through the banshee like paper. It gave Mike an extra second, and he hoped it was all he needed.

"Naia!" Mike jumped in the fountain. "Naia, where are you?"

When the queen moved to attack him, she passed right through his body. Puzzled, he looked down at his hands and saw that he was made of water. The queen shrieked in frustration and tried to attack him again, but her blades passed through him effortlessly.

"Neat trick, right?" It was Naia's voice just inside his ear. "I can't do much to fight a queen, but I can do plenty to protect you here."

"She can't hurt the others, right?"

Naia giggled. "No. This whole thing will be over soon. See?"

He didn't see it at first, but Lily came back into the clearing dragging a large door behind her. It was the anxiety, and Abella had broken free of the vines and was helping Lily carry it over. Sofia was busy fighting the queen again, and Tink had become a literal ankle biter, tripping up the queen.

"I don't get it. Are they going to stuff her in my 'can't stop peeing' dream?"

"No. Once she's in there, she will face an anxiety of her own." No sooner had Naia spoken did Lily open the door. Abella picked up the whole frame like a giant bug net and slammed it over the queen's head.

The queen vanished, gobbled up by the dream. Lily slammed the door and summoned a large key to lock it shut.

"Can't she just break out of there?" Mike asked while stepping out of the fountain. His body solidified, and the others vanished from sight, except for Lily.

"Oh, she's having a very bad time right now." Lily smirked. "Wanna see?"

"I'm not going in there," he told her. His sudden reversal of fortune was too good to pass up.

"You don't have to go in there. This is all inside your head, remember? You just have to want to see it. Here, I'll show you." Lily extended her hand and Mike took it.

The home and the beach vanished, and he found himself back in the court of the faerie queen. Convinced he had woken up, his first clue that he was still asleep was that the court was in black and white. As he looked around, he saw that there were two thrones now instead of one.

"The humans need to be made to understand," said an elegant man with six wings and a scepter. "We can no longer allow our people to suffer, my Queen."

The queen looked younger, somehow. Maybe it was the smile that reached her eyes, or the way she looked at the man, but Mike felt a sudden kinship with them.

"We must let the mortals work out their own problems, Oberon. Our kind are not meant to persist in their world." The queen moved close and laid her head on his chest when he embraced her. "Besides, I will miss you."

Oberon chuckled. "You will hardly know I'm gone. The time cycle is in our favor, a few days for you will be years for me in the real world. I just need time and the world's attention. I found a human I believe I could possess, the human world already refers to him as a king."

"You can't go about possessing the monarchy. They aren't like us."

Oberon laughed. "Ah, but this one is! He sings and dances like one of our own, and I have made arrangements to meet him soon. Well, he doesn't know that we'll be meeting, but you catch my drift."

"You promise you'll come back to me? I couldn't bear the rest of eternity without you."

Their words were lost in a wail of grief, and Mike flinched when he realized that the faerie queen was on her knees next to him. Her extra arms were gone, and she was back to her normal height.

"No, please, don't make me watch," she cried, and covered her eyes with her hands. The skin of her hands became translucent, forcing her to watch as the sky filled with random images of a man known as the King. Crowds of adoring fans shrieked his name and cried out for him, and the scene changed to a dressing room.

"Holy shit," whispered Mike as he watched Oberon argue with his wife in his human form. The two of them were shrieking at each other in fast forward, and the conversation finally slowed down enough that he could hear it.

"You need to come back," she begged. "The human world has poisoned you. This form has poisoned you."

"I'm so close," Oberon hissed, then picked up his guitar. "I just need a little more fame, a little more time, please."

"Look at you. You're starting to fall apart." She took his hands in hers. "You've even built yourself a kingdom here. Do you plan to stay in the human world?"

Oberon simply winked at her, and now they were standing in a cemetery. The real queen was a blubbering mess, but her past self stood next to Oberon on the edge of a packed gathering. The mourners moved in slow motion, and her face was puckered in anger.

"But you failed," she said. "Your human host couldn't contain you any longer, and you nearly died with him."

"It was an abject lesson in humility," Oberon confessed. "A lesson which I will not need to learn a second time. I simply need a younger host."

"Don't you dare," she warned him. "Oberon, you need to come home, our people need you."

Oberon shook his head. "Our people need you to lead them while I try to save them from this side. For my next host, I will work on bringing the world together, and getting them to part with their parasitic ways."

"That hardly worked this time. You were so caught up in fame that you never once worked to better our people, my king." Her voice was harsh, and her cheeks had turned green. "You squandered your time here, and for what? For them?" She gestured at the mourners.

"I'm simply not used to human time versus our own. A human decade isn't that long as a fey, and I admit that time got the better of me." When Oberon turned to face her, Mike could see the deep lines in the brow of his forehead. He looked sickly, with heavy shadows beneath his eyes. "But I am the king of the fey, and I will do right by our people. You have my promise."

"Your promise is meaningless if you fail to deliver."

Oberon scowled at his queen, but said nothing. They watched the mourners in silence, and the scene rippled once more. It was the queen, and she was sitting on her throne, and a fey with wings behind his ears knelt before her.

"What did he say?" she asked, her eyes fierce, but her lower lip trembling.

"Your Majesty." The messenger looked nervous. "He said that the human world deserves his gifts, and that he does not intend to return anytime soon."

"And has he addressed the plight of our people? Has he taught them to take care of the planet, to stop poisoning our streams and our air?"

The messenger licked his lips, then shook his head. "He said he will get around to it after his next world tour. He doesn't think his host's fame is big enough to make any changes, yet."

"Please. I've seen the humans and how they fawn over Oberon and his host. The king has fallen in love with the human world at the detriment of our own." She smacked her hand on the armrest of her throne and rose. "What is it about the human world that seduces our kind, even our very own king? What can be so wonderful about them that he would willingly stay away?"

"He says the people love him." The messenger ducked his head in fear as the queen's fist lit up with emerald light. She spun out of her throne and slammed her fist into the empty throne next to hers, causing it to explode.

"But I love him," she cried. "Is my love not good enough? What of the love of our people, our children?"

On the ground, the real queen was shrieking in agony as she was forced to relive her worst days. More images flitted by of another king of music, one who would drive people to scream in his very presence. Mike recognized the singer immediately, but also recognized the silhouette of Oberon superimposed on top of him. The faerie king did not look well, and the final memory showed the queen with dark tears streaming down her face, kneeling over the broken throne.

"Why?" she whispered, clutching what was left of the throne. "Why did you stay until he died? You couldn't control him and he couldn't comprehend you, and now you're both dead as a result. Why must I be cursed with the burden of eternity all by myself? Was I not worthy of your love?"

The real queen was motionless now, and Mike watched as her body began to flicker as if she was about to vanish. She bit her lip hard enough to draw blood and came back into focus, only for Oberon to appear near her side.

"You weren't good enough," he whispered. "Not enough for me to stay."

"Shut up," she whispered, and her body flickered again. Another Oberon stepped forward from the mist, then another, and all of them chastised the queen. Some pointed out her failings while others spoke of the wonders of the human world, and she flickered rapidly now, her shoulders hunched forward.

She was about to wake up. Mike was about to win, and he should have been elated, but all he felt right now was sadness. The queen may have treated him and Cecilia unfairly, but knowing now the true reason for her rage, he felt like he understood why.

"Let her out," he said, squeezing Lily's hand and hoping she was still there.

"What?" Her voice echoed, but the queen didn't seem to hear it.

"Let her out, Lily." He couldn't see her, but he could feel the succubus' presence. "Before she wakes."

"Romeo, are you fucking nuts?"

Mike yanked his hand out of Lily's and now stood outside of the door. He hooked his fingers in the lock and yanked, ripping out the mechanism and the doorknob itself. When he let himself in, the queen was almost gone, and when he touched her shoulder, she spun on him, her eyes wide in terror.

"Come on," he said, then led her out of the anxiety and back into the front yard of his home. The others were waiting for him as if they were statues, all except for Lily, who looked very disgruntled.

"Is this some trick, Caretaker? Now that you've seen my shame, you would—"

He put a finger to her lips. "Enough. Our fight is over."

"No, it isn't. Neither of us has awoken yet."

"It is." He looked over at the others. "No more fighting. You can all relax."

"I...I don't understand." Her eyes moved back and forth between the others in suspicion.

"But I think I do." He took her hand in his, and she tried to pull away, but he held tight. "All this time, I thought you just really hated mortals, but it was more than that. My world took something important from you, didn't it?"

"Oberon knew better," she whispered, her hand relaxing in his. "Yet he still went away."

"And it goes deeper. Cecilia fell in love with a mortal." He pictured her once more hanging over the shattered throne. "It's not so much that she loves me, but that one day I'll be gone and her heart will be broken, just like yours.

The queen scowled. "She doesn't deserve that."

"But that's life. You aren't used to the idea of losing a loved one, because your kind live forever. It's different for humans. Try as we might, we all move on, and we spend our brief lives learning that we will lose those we hold most precious."

"If you're trying to sway me with words, Caretaker, then it won't work."

"Not words. Actions. I challenged you to a duel, but there's a fundamental truth about me that you may not understand. I hate fighting. Maybe it would be easier to duke it out in here and make you miserable, but that wouldn't do anything to solve the fundamental issue here. If I win, you will still hate me, maybe even more so than before. Am I right?"

The queen said nothing, then nodded.

"I assume that I won't wake up unless I want to, right?"

She nodded again. "We are in here until you choose to wake or your mortal form dies. I'll admit, that was my contingency plan, our agreement said nothing about keeping you alive."

"Lily?" He looked over at the succubus. "Can you stretch us out?"

"Oh, always." She swung her tail around and stroked it seductively. "It's pretty much a guaranteed fit."