Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 060

A strong hand clamped down on his shoulder and yanked on him, hard.

His consciousness shifted violently out of his body, and he was now looking at a tiny star in an empty universe. From inside, he could hear Titania crying out in pleasure, his own voice singing in harmony with hers. The hand remained on his shoulder and he expanded, and the swirling star of sexual energy shrank in size. The world brightened, and an azure sky formed overhead and his bare feet were on cool grass. He stood now in a majestic garden, and the star had become a gazing globe that shed light comparable to the sun up above. Feeling disoriented, he held up his hands to see that his fingers were now slender and delicate.

"Seriously? This is how I finally get your attention?" His voice was no longer his, but a woman's.

The entity in his body laughed. When it spoke, it was with the same feminine voice, but he sensed the tremendous amount of power behind it.

"I come to you as an act of preservation. In a moment, the beings inside will become a singularity," she told him. "The human soul may be capable of experiencing the shores of eternity, but the human mind will break and shatter on its rocks."

"Eternity? It's just a dream, it would have ended eventually." He felt a buzzing in the back of his mind that only intensified when he looked at the globe, so he took a step away from it.

"I assure you, the ramifications of your actions are nothing more than an accident. Even Titania could not foresee this, for you are something new, a being that has never before existed."

No longer in control of his arms, he pointed at the viewing globe, and it clouded over, sealing away what was occurring inside. The buzzing in his head disappeared. "The faerie queen does not have a soul in the sense you understand. When she is in your head, it may as well be her true form. In a moment, your magic will initiate the swap, and her innate nature will reject it. Her essence is indivisible, and what will occur is a single moment stretched into eternity."

"Wait, so my soul is still in there?" he asked.

"It is. But your mind is out here with me." The voice sounded pleased with herself. "Do not worry, Caretaker, your soul is perfectly safe."

"You're the house, aren't you?" He remembered the time he had tried to channel it directly and flushed with embarrassment. "I've been trying to figure out how to talk to you for so long."

"Indeed. And I have watched your efforts with great interest." They were strolling through the garden now, leaving the viewing globe behind. "As my Caretaker, I do have a vested interest in your success, after all."

"Then why make it so hard to speak to you?" he asked. "You only seem to show up sporadically, which is a bit frustrating."

"I'm here now. What would you ask of me?" she replied.

"Um..." He had so many questions but didn't know where to begin. From experience, he knew that he wasn't likely to be here long. "I guess, how am I doing?"

"Your soul is currently making love to a deity and experiencing an eternal state of bliss. I would say you are doing just fine." They were now walking through a palatial corridor. Large marble pillars were attached to a building that looked suspiciously like the Parthenon. Shimmering pools dotted the architecture.

"Okay, well then how about you? What do you want?"

"I want you to win the game, silly." The house giggled, then sat down on the edge of one of the pools. Mike tried to force her to lean over the water so he could see her reflection, but the body no longer obeyed him.

"Why, though? What happens when I win?"

"I can't tell you," she said, much to his chagrin. "You should know that by now."

"Okay, well what do you get? Why would you want me to win, other than some sense of team pride?"

He didn't receive an answer, but the house looked away from the pond and then across the palace grounds. The world they were in was silent, and he was struck with a profound sense of loneliness.

"There were others, like you, right?" It was something the shadow had mentioned to him, something about how others used to be here. "Do you miss them?"

"They used to call it the Great Game," she said after several moments of silence. "As the years passed, it became more like a war than a game. If I were able, I would blame such a thing on the avarice of man, but even this outcome was by design. The Architect foresaw every possibility, and even now, there are some outcomes that are too terrible to mention. You ask why I would see you win, so I offer this; I believe that you wouldn't be the worst person to take the prize."

Mike laughed, the sound breaking the silence. "So it's not that I'm the best candidate, I'm just not the worst. It's not really a huge vote of confidence, but I guess I'll take it. Is it because I haven't really been trying to figure it out? I assume you heard my conversation with the queen where I admitted I'm not super motivated to solve the puzzle."

The house laughed in return, then sighed. "Maybe things would have been different if the magic wasn't so weak. While I slumbered, my magic waned, and I was all but gone when you inherited me. It is why I have not been more amicable to your attempts at communication."

"And you will be now? If I try to talk to you, will you answer?"

She waved her hand and summoned a large game board. It was the interior and exterior of his home, and pieces were scattered around it. He recognized most of them, but some were still blurry and tucked away in the rooms of the house. When he tried to focus on them, they disappeared, as if tucked away. As he scanned the board, he noticed other boards had been set up off to the side. These also contained blurry pieces, and the one closest to him looked like a cabin in the middle of the woods.

"You have so many pieces already," she told him, then picked one up off of the cabin. It blurred before his vision, and he was unable to make out any detail. "And with so little effort. Astonishing."

Her cryptic reply wasn't entirely unexpected, but the sudden yanking sensation inside his belly was. He was ripped free of the house, his mind rocketing across the garden and back inside the viewing globe. There was a burst of light and he was now back inside his own body. He was on the ground, his limbs entangled with Titania's.

"Wow," whispered Titania. "I didn't know pleasure like that with a mortal was possible."

He said nothing, his body still experiencing post-orgasmic bliss while his mind was frustrated about a lack of straight answers from the house. He cuddled with her for a bit before shifting his legs, startled to discover that they were lying on something hard.

Turning his head to the side, he saw that they were inside a crater of smooth glass. The heat from their lovemaking had melted the sand around them.

When Titania sat up, she let out a deep sigh, then rolled back on top of him and pressed her lips to his.

"If you ever tell anyone about this," she whispered. "I would be forced to kill you. And you know what the worst part would be?"

"Being dead?" he asked.

"No." She kissed him again. "It would break my heart a little. You have done me a kindness, Caretaker."

"It's just Mike. At least when we're in here," he told her.

She smiled, and her body became translucent, made up of tiny stars and mist. "See you on the outside. Mike."

And she vanished from his mind, leaving him alone in the sand. For nearly a minute, all he heard was the steady lapping of the waves against the shore, and then a voice called to him from across the distance.

"Mo shíorghrá." It was Cecilia, her voice echoing across the sky. It started to rain, and he closed his eyes. When he opened them once more, Cecilia was cradling his head in her lap, and tears of joy falling from her cheeks to his own. "You came back to me."

He touched her chin with his fingers, then smiled.

"And I always will. Let's get you home."

"Tell me the truth." Beth was standing in the front yard, her hands on her hips while she surveyed the house properly in the morning light. "How bad is it, really?"

Sulyvahn scratched his head and then let out a laugh. The centaurs had returned and now milled about the yard with stunned looks of disbelief. Giant gouges in the turf had ripped out most of the maze, and the storm summoned by the thunderbird had created giant mud pits that ran out to the street like dirty rivers.

"Lord Mike will have to be in a right craic mood to overlook that his house be bejanxed."

"I figured."

The home looked like a failed demolition project. Not a single visible window was intact, and Tink and the rats had already amassed a giant pile of destroyed furniture in the front yard. Abella had placed some timbers beneath the porch to hold it up, but this was mostly so it wouldn't collapse while they were using the front door.

Kisa was up on the roof in a tank top and jean shorts, taking pictures for Tink to look at. The cat-girl had been quiet since her return, but Beth had noticed that she had been inseparable from the goblin.

The smell of sulfur was followed by a loud thump, and Lily now stood next to Beth, her wings folding into her back. She whistled appreciatively. "Boy, you really fucked this one up. Daddy isn't going to leave you in charge ever again."

Beth grimaced, then threw the succubus a dirty look. "Where have you guys been? I heard that tower-thing collapse in the middle of the night and then had to listen to what I can only assume was a demon gangbang right outside my window."

It was Lily's turn to frown. "Yeah, that little outing went completely sideways. The asshole left a bunch of traps in his castle that slowed us down, and by the time we found his little treasure room, he had already emptied it out. Yuki didn't take it well, and so we spent forever digging ourselves out of the rubble while the demons got into a huge fight over these weird soul fragments that appeared all over the place. I can only assume that one of them belonged to Emily, because Yuki went ballistic. Then we had to fight off an angry demon horde after she literally iced a bunch of them. Cerberus is helping her sniff around the Underworld for Emily's spirit piece, but I decided to check in here and see if you needed my help."

"Only if you are ready to pick up a hammer. Place is in need of some serious repair, and I don't like the idea of Yuki wandering the Underworld by herself."

"As long as she has Cerberus, she's fine. The demons chased each other off." Lily waved her hand dismissively, and then a hard hat appeared on her head. "So what happened? Did you fuck the shadow and make him your buddy?"

Beth blushed. "No. In fact, we almost lost. The shadow knew you were planning something, so he lured you off with his castle."

Lily frowned. "So did he get away?"

"He didn't. Death came home, and the shadow pissed him off by incinerating his candy stash, so he got reaped."

Lily's jaw dropped open, and then she let out a maniacal cackle. "No shit, seriously? Oh, man, that must have been fucking hilarious."

Terrifying if you were there, Beth thought but kept it to herself. "Anyway, he got killed, and Quetzalli chased off the ghosts with an electric field, so things are finally calm."

"Maybe not quite." Lily's face became serious, and Beth turned around to see that a police cruiser had pulled up in the front drive.

A pair of officers got out and approached, oblivious to the centaurs milling about them.

"Wow." One of the officers whistled appreciatively while looking at the house, then turned to look at Beth. "You must have thrown one hell of a party."

"Can I help you?" she asked.

The other officer cleared his throat. "Are you the homeowner, ma'am?"

"I live here. The owner is out, I'm not sure when he'll be back."

Or if he'll be back.

It was a terrifying thought, but Mike had been gone long enough that she was worried something had happened. It was an idea she would need to get used to.

She also didn't like the idea that the police might have come looking for Marco. After he had been definitively pronounced dead, the centaurs had agreed to bury him in the greenhouse where prying eyes would never find him. She hated the idea of the man just up and disappearing, but she couldn't think of a safer alternative. Faking a murder scene was definitely outside her skillset, and she didn't want to accidentally leave any evidence behind.

The officer pulled out a notepad from his pocket. "Nearly twenty calls last night about noise out here. Seven calls about some teen dressed as a goblin damaging property around the neighborhood that was seen coming out of your home by witnesses. Three calls about a guy dressed up as a skeleton peeping in people's bedroom windows. Also a woman dressed as a...fox?" He lifted his sunglasses to squint at the paper. "She apparently scared the pants off some kids at a local park, they said she threw snowballs at them...yeah, this one may be a prank call, there's no snow on the ground."

"Sure sounds like a lot of phone calls, officer." Beth raised her eyebrow. "Were you here because you wondered if I saw anything?"

"You were clearly having a party, and it was likely that they were your guests. This isn't the first noise complaint we've had out here." It was clear he was baiting her, hoping she would say something he could use.

"I can honestly say that I was here all night and saw no party. As for a goblin coming out of my house, we had a ton of trick or treaters last night, so I doubt that would hold up in court." Beth looked at the state of the home, then back at the police. Kisa had stopped what she was doing and was watching the scene below, and Tink's face had appeared briefly in the front window. "In fact, do you have any proof of this party?"

"We got calls," the officer said.

"Circumstantial at best. Did you send a cruiser by to verify? Otherwise, those sounds could have been from anywhere." Beth waved her hand at the home. "Besides, does this look like I'm cleaning up after a party?"

The first officer looked disgruntled, but the other one frowned. "Looks more like someone drove a car up into your yard and did some donuts. Lots of toilet paper everywhere. May have been that same goblin kid. Bunch of busted furniture in your yard, too."

Toilet paper? Beth looked at the house again, wondering how the geas was interpreting information for the two men standing in her yard. Was it creating illusions to hide away all of the cryptids out in the open? She was tempted to ask but felt like it was probably a bad idea.

"You sure you don't want to tell us anything?" The first officer was going for one last attempt, undoubtedly hoping she would give them a reason to stay.

"I'm not interested in answering questions. If that changes, we can wait for my attorney." Beth looked over at Lily, who had a look of innocence on her face, then over to Suly. Could they even see the dullahan? Even though the geas was hiding things, she wanted the cops gone. "Unless I'm being detained, officers, I have a mess to clean up."

The second officer mumbled an apology and moved toward the car, but the first one took a few steps toward the house and scanned the yard. This one was looking for an excuse to press his line of questioning, but Beth doubted he would find one.

"If you remember anything, you let us know." He sounded very disgruntled, and when they got back into the squad car, it was several minutes until they actually left.

"Well, you handled that all right," Lily said.

Beth nodded, then scowled at Tink, who ducked out of sight again. She had no idea what the goblin had actually gotten up to, but decided it was better if she never found out.

"Lass, a quick word." Suly reached into his pocket and pulled something out. In his hand was a glittering object that pulsed brightly, even in the morning's light. "I be picking this up after the shadow were defeated. I dinna be sure what it is, but 'tis certain I am that it be related to the Caretaker somehow."

"Is that a soul piece?" Beth watched as the tiny light flitted about, not properly visible to her eyes. It was almost like she had stared at a light for two long, only the spot kept moving.

"Holy shit," Lily muttered. "I think that might be a piece of Emily."

Beth looked at Lily, then back to Suly. "Is it?"

Suly shrugged. "I dinna be knowing her when she were alive, and there be not enough of the soul to tell fer sure and fer certain. Figured meself would be askin' Lord Mike when he returned what he be wanting to do with it. Or better yet, asking me sister."

"That's probably best." She turned to Lily, who was watching the fluttering soul piece with great interest. "Maybe you should tell Yuki? Maybe she can identify it."

Lily nodded, then went inside the house, undoubtedly headed for the backyard and the Underworld to find Yuki and bring her back. Beth was relieved to know that everyone would soon be home again. Well, everyone but Mike and Cecilia.

She worked with Suly for a couple of hours, the two of them cleaning out the hedge maze with the centaurs. Kisa was under the porch with Tink, doing something involving the frame, when Asterion came out of the house. His huge shoulders barely fit through the front door, and when he stepped down onto the yard, he sniffed the air and grunted.

"Asterion, how are you feeling?"

The minotaur had lost one of his horns and his head was bandaged. The rats had found him buried in the rubble of the Labyrinth, and he had accompanied Ratu out of the Labyrinth. The naga was currently with the centaurs, being treated by some of their best healers. If Asterion was here, it likely meant that she was currently out of danger.

"Hmm." Asterion flexed his fingers, which were also bandaged. "My head no longer hurts. I am restless, and wish to help."

"Fat cow help by getting off Tink!" Tink squeaked from beneath the porch, and Asterion stepped away from the door and down to the ground.

"Tink, be nice," Beth grumbled at the goblin. "I'm glad you're feeling better. The centaurs could use some help patching the yard, and we still have some trash that can be taken down to the curb, we have a dumpster coming later."

"Indeed." Asterion gathered up some of the broken furniture and carried it down toward the end of the walk. Beth noticed that the minotaur gave Suly a suspicious look as he passed, but said nothing else as he continued to work.

They continued cleaning up, and almost twenty minutes later, Beth heard Asterion drop his load on the yard, his head cocked to one side as he looked around. The centaurs were affected next, and they shifted about nervously, searching the skies.

Beth finally heard it.

It was the sound of a woman in mourning, her song seeping into Beth's very soul and carrying with it the misery of loss.

A golden circle formed in the yard, and for a brief moment, she caught the sight of a mysterious shoreline on the other side. Her breath caught in her chest as two figures emerged, their fingers entwined.

It was Mike. He had brought Cecilia home.

The magical portal shimmered as Cecilia's song came to an end, and then it vanished. Mike, whose back was still to the house, let out what sounded like a sigh of relief when he saw Beth.

"I'm so glad to see you," he told her. "I heard there were problems here."

"Um...yes. Yes, there were. How did you know?"

"The queen told me that the shit had hit the fan and she would send me home to help out. She didn't expect me to leave you with all the heavy lifting, and—" he had turned to look at the house, his voice trailing off into a mumble. When he looked back at Beth, he had gone white.

"Please tell me everybody is okay," he said with a slight tremor in his voice.