Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 071

"He can't lead the Nirumbi to a brighter tomorrow." Yuki's voice came from back in the cave. She stood at the edge of the goblin pit, her fists balled up at her side. Foxfire illuminated her from behind. "You can't just expect him to drop his life and come be a leader to people he doesn't even know. This isn't his burden to bear."

"You misunderstand. If the Caretaker agrees to let the forest children stay, then our only obstacle is Leeds. I will stay and guide the children of the forest. I have much to teach them, and not enough years." She made a symbol with clawed hands that glowed an angry red color. "On the topic of Leeds, his is the magic of shadows. He learned it from a witch. Though I can't take down his barrier, it is in my strength to help you cast him out. Once he passes through the barrier, it will come down and you will be free to leave."

"What guarantee do we have that he won't come back and start this shit all over again?"

The owl-woman shrugged, which sent a few loose feathers to the ground. "Even if he does, he won't be able to build his trap. I and the others will make sure of it."

Mike traced his fingers along the letters of the wall. Tink was in danger. Everyone at the house was. Maybe there was a catch in the owl-woman's deal that he couldn't see, but he didn't have time to figure it out. The others could leave with him, and even if he were to lose the forest, he would still have his family and his home.

"I accept," he said, hoping this wasn't a huge mistake.

To his relief, Bigfoot grunted in approval. Even if they were both wrong, he at least felt better making a mistake with a friend by his side.

No, many friends. He took Velvet's hand and squeezed her fingers. He didn't have a word for their relationship yet, but he looked forward to figuring it out.

"Let's get out of here," he said, then turned to face the owl-woman. "Do you think the children of the forest will help us with Leeds?"

She nodded. "Some will not. They abstain and wait for the victor. Please do not fault them, for it is their way. But you have my vow that I shall not rest until the Devil of Jersey has been captured."

Bigfoot held out his hand to the owl-woman, like he was expecting her to slap him five. She timidly placed her claw over his.

"I misjudged you," he told her. "You see, I used to take my duties to the forest seriously, but was blessed to become part of a family. Instead of wandering the land and fixing its ills, I indulged in matters of the heart and felt myself grow in ways I never imagined. Knowing now how that feels, I can understand why you did what you did."

"Thank you." The owl-woman withdrew her hand, which disappeared into her feathers. "In that case, let's go meet with some of the others. I have an idea on how to capture Leeds, but we must move quickly. He will likely return in a day or so."

They walked away from the cave, but Mike hung back. He turned one last time to shine his light on Tink's words.

"I'm coming home, goblin wife. Just hang in there." Setting his jaw, he turned to join the others and descended to the bottom of the goblin's pit. When he got to the mouth of the cavern, he stopped and looked back. His goblin in-laws were in there somewhere.

He wished their spirits well, then hurried after the owl-woman to catch up.

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It was nearing the middle of the night when the back door of the house opened. Eulalie leaned away from her computer to see Sofia and Sulyvahn walk inside with Cyrus in tow. The man's head was back inside the pillowcase, and they directed him over to the couch.

The lights in the kitchen had been unscrewed. Even with his eyes unhindered, Cyrus would have trouble making out her form in the shadows.

"I hear you've had a productive day," she said. Other than sneaking a nap earlier, she had watched as Cyrus was led across the property. Naia and Amymone had hidden away once the man was out back with the idea that the less he knew about everyone else, the better.

"That's a matter of opinion." Cyrus scratched his head through the case. "I think I ended the day with more questions than answers, though."

"Success isn't always a feature of productivity." She looked up at Sulyvahn, who handed her a diagram that Cyrus had drawn. It was a map of the grounds around the house. There were several little dashed lines done in blue ink all over the property and inside the house. However, a thick red line had been drawn along the back where the gate was. "What am I looking at here?"

"That's a great question. Hard for me to tell you with this thing on." He gave the case a tug. "Don't suppose--"

"Nope. A girl's got her secrets."

"What is a rat queen, anyway? Other than the obvious, it's not a title I'm familiar with."

She smirked, then used the tips of her front legs to create a clicking sound that sounded very much like the grinding of teeth. It was a noise that had driven her parents and her sister nuts. "Oh, you definitely don't want to see what I've got going on. I'm all hair and teeth, and you will be driven mad at the sight of me."

"I've seen worse," he offered.

"No, I mean you will literally go mad. Part of my magical charm. It's a feature, not a bug."

Cyrus went quiet for a moment, then sighed. "Okay, whatever. Your rules. What are you asking about?"

"Let's start with the lines." She had heard some of his answers while spying with the drones. It had been child's play to attach a microphone to one and then land it around the yard while he did his work, but she had been unable to capture any good audio while flying. In retrospect, it should have been easy to write a Fourier Transform program to account for the changes in current to the rotors of the drone. Knowing the exact speed of the rotors could give her the frequency needed to generate the proper sound-cancelling technology to clean up the signal.

However, the microphone wasn't that great to begin with, and if she had started such a project, she would already be arguing in a chat room full of like-minded programmers about why it should be technically feasible. Finding a way to blend engineering with programming was a special form of madness that she didn't have the patience for.

"Okay, well, the small ones are remnants of extraplanar activity. A small, healed wound on the space-time continuum, or however you want to put it. There are a few on the grounds themselves, but even more inside. For instance, there was one on the closet inside the front door. Means that a portal was there at some point, for a long time. It's left a mark, but it's gone now."

"Go on." What he said made plenty of sense. The home had its quirks, after all. A parallel universe greenhouse with a shortcut built into the front yard. An enormous Labyrinth in the basement. And what she assumed was access to the fabled Library of Alexandria.

And that was just the stuff she could remember off the top of her head.

While looking at the dotted lines, she saw the pattern emerge. Using a pencil, she connected some of the outermost lines together. It didn't take her long to realize that she was essentially sketching the borders of the house before it had changed. The lounge with all the Egyptian crap was clearly outlined on the map before her, and if she pretended that the house was twenty feet longer, the back wall of the home now lined up with the dots.

These lines were proof that the real Radley house had been there, but was now gone. She ran her fingers along the dotted lines, wondering just where it had gotten off to. All this extra-planar data must have been so confusing for Cyrus, but she wasn't about to fill him in on the truth of the house. It not only wasn't her place to do so, but she was still fuzzy on plenty of the details herself.

"But all of these were trivial," Cyrus continued. "I could detect their essence, but it's something that will fade with time. I was lucky to spot them at all, a function of how recent the event was. Still confusing as hell, by the way, that you won't tell me what happened, but no matter. Now, the big red one in the backyard is far more interesting."

"How so?"

He tilted his head back and forth as if lost in thought. Or maybe there was a gap in the fibers and he was trying to get a good look at her. Just in case, she held perfectly still.

"Two scars, fairly large, one on top of the other. I imagine this place had magical connections to somewhere else, which I would love to discuss--"

"Nope." This came from Sofia. "We aren't talking about us right now. Answer the queen's question."

Cyrus groaned in annoyance. "Fine. The big iron gate you have out back was the boundary for somewhere big. That was no casual portal to somewhere else, I can tell you that much. These other marks I made were for little things, such as connecting one place to another. This, however, is like a giant scar on space-time that goes somewhere outside of, well, here. Like, this reality. What interests me the most about it is that I can see that someone stretched it open and used it very recently."

"How so?" Now, this was interesting. If she remembered correctly, the gate went to the Underworld itself.

"Because of the overlap. When I was doing my experiments, I was detecting a portal inside of another portal, which is impossible for so many reasons. So I have a theory that--" Cyrus sneezed, then shook in his hood. "Oh, c'mon! This is just disgusting!"

Eulalie held back laughter as Cyrus shifted the hood around, clearly trying to wipe himself off. She didn't care if it was another attempt to remove the hood, it was pretty funny.

"Okay, I was going to give you an in-depth analysis of extra-dimensional folding, but I need to clean myself up. This is nasty!"

"Give me the TLDR."

"The what now?"

Eulalie rolled her human eyes. Her spider eyes stayed focused on the mage. "The Too Long, Didn't Read version."

"This must be a millennial thing," he muttered. "You're all too damn impatient. In short, I suspect that someone folded another space inside of the first one. A bubble in a bubble, if you will. The portal at the gate went somewhere large enough that it was far more convenient to stretch the portal itself out and just shove everything through, then let it snap back into place and gobble up whatever was taken. Kind of like how I'm using the inside of my hood to wipe snot off my face instead of a tissue or a rag." Cyrus leaned back in his chair and folded his arms over his chest.

Fascinating. So instead of the Radley house being moved, another dimension had been stretched over it and then closed off. Eulalie's fingers tapped a rhythm on the desk as she pondered the implications of what this meant. Whoever had done this would have to be insanely powerful. And if they were, then why not just attack the house? Why did it need to be moved in the first place?

Sofia gasped at the revelation and grabbed Suly's arm hard enough that her knuckles popped. The dullahan winced, then yanked his arm away to rub the injured area.

"Ye damn'd giant women and yer man hands," he muttered as he shook his arm and took a step toward Cyrus. "Okay, I be thinkin' we be done here. Let's be takin' care of yer bogies."

"Thank you." Cyrus held up a hand and was led away by Sulyvahn, who would take him over to the Radley house. Though devoid of magic, it still had plumbing that worked and Cyrus wouldn't accidentally see Eulalie.

"We need to get a hold of Ratu," Sofia said. "If Cyrus is right, then the others are trapped in the Underworld."

"Hmm." Eulalie pondered this with her chin in her hand. "If so, then why haven't they escaped?"

"You can't think of it as a local thing. The Underworld is infinitely large. They may be stuck somewhere millions of miles from here, or ten feet away behind a magical boundary. It isn't somewhere you can just casually escape. And even if they could escape, without a guide, you can't go more than a hundred feet without getting lost in the fog. There is also the problem of roaming demons."

Eulalie chewed her lip in contemplation. She couldn't worry about every possible iteration of the Underworld issue. "Let's just focus on solutions rather than potential problems. If they are trapped in the Underworld, how do we find them?"

"We could ask Cerberus, but..." Sofia frowned. "Last I checked, she only listens to Mike and Lily. And her gate is disabled."

"Yeah, well..." Eulalie looked at a nearby rat, who stared at her with eager eyes. "The rats can do it."

"They can't, actually. The rules for building portals have their limitations, and the Underworld is one of them." Sofia moved close by and knelt down so that she was eye to eyes with Eulalie. "However, I bet Ratu will have some ideas. If we can somehow reconnect the gate, we can at least speak with Cerberus and figure out our options. Maybe she can sniff out the house?"

"Hmm." Eulalie tapped her fingers on the table, then turned her attention to her laptops. Despite the collective knowledge of mankind at her fingertips, this was a unique problem that required a solution that couldn't be dredged up from the internet. She had cast her net wide, and succeeded in catching an inter-dimensional expert while also establishing a secure presence around the home. Now, though, it was time to change tactics.

"What are you thinking?" asked Sofia.

"My mom had a saying. Once a web has served its purpose, you build a new one." She leaned back with a grin. "It's a spider thing. She was actually full of spider-themed advice. They were kind of like dad jokes on steroids. A bug in the hand is worth two in the web, knock that shit off or I'll swat you with a newspaper..."

"Still waiting on your idea." Sofia didn't seem amused by spider jokes.

"We go back to the Library. The rats can watch this place and Suly can keep tabs on Cyrus. He's sleeping in the main house, so we don't have to worry about him wandering over. We do some research of our own on extra-dimensional folding or whatever until we can speak to Ratu. Make good use of our time."

"Are we planning to sleep at all?" Sofia raised her eyebrow. "Some of us have been busy babysitting all day instead of playing on computers."

"Sleep is for bitches." Eulalie smirked. "But if you need your beauty rest, be my guest."

"Guess I'll brew some coffee." Sofia stood and walked into the kitchen. "If anyone knows how to properly pull an all-nighter, it's a librarian."

Eulalie smirked, then turned her attention back to the monitors. On the display, she could see that the rat guard had set up a perimeter around Murray's home. The longer she spent with the rats, the more self-sufficient they seemed.

She cleaned up the dining room, making sure to leave no webs behind. Once she was satisfied that she had left no trace, she waited for Sofia to finish her coffee and the two of them returned to the Library together.

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Beth stood with her arms crossed as Mehkhkahrel descended from the mists above, his whirling form somehow glistening with light that didn't exist. Beneath him, Murray pointed dramatically upward, surrounded by War, Pestilence and Famine. It surprised her that the air outside the home was far warmer than inside. This caused tiny alarm bells to ring in her mind, but she turned her attention toward Murray as his floating body tilted in her direction.

"We shall act as the final arbiter in this mediation," Murray declared. Though his limbs stuck out in odd directions, his mouth now moved appropriately when he spoke. "Each party will now present what they wish to achieve by the end of this deliberation."

"We'll go first." War stepped forward and stabbed his sword into the ground. "When this is over, we wish to walk the Earth. That is our bare minimum, and we will accept no other offers."

Famine and Pestilence nodded their agreement. Beth sighed and looked up at the angel. She had expected this.

"Our desire is to keep these three from being brought to Earth. Even if only one of them arrives, countless people will perish." Beth looked over at Death, who nodded in agreement. "Death will be allowed to remain."

"It would seem that your terms are at odds. We ask now that you attempt to come to an agreement." Murray turned his head and was able to look at both parties with his crooked eyes. "This mediation will continue until an agreement is made."

"I wish to clarify something." Beth looked up at the angel's true form. "It seems to me that neither party wishes to budge on their demands."

"You must come to an agreement," Murray declared.

"Right, about that. Hypothetically speaking, what would occur should we never agree?"

Murray's lips twisted into a sneer, then a frown. One eye rolled up into his head, and then it snapped back into place. "No party may leave this space until an agreement has been made."

"Good." Beth smirked at the horsemen, then directed her attention to War. "You see, as Death's legal counsel, I am mortal."

"We are aware of your failings." War grinned, revealing that his teeth were full of black stuff. "But please, continue."

"These people, who I am still unconvinced are the official horsemen, do not suffer from my mortal affliction. As time here progresses, I have nothing to eat or drink."

Famine chuckled, then pulled an apple out of his bag and proceeded to loudly consume it.

"That's not our problem." War tilted his head and licked his lips. "We figure, at some point, you'll be hungry enough to give us what we want."

"Or I won't." Beth crossed her arms, then looked up at Mehkhkahrel. "You see, if I were to become incapacitated, then I would be unable to complete this mediation. Is that correct?"

"You are stating the obvious," Murray replied.

"So let's just say, for the sake of argument, I can no longer continue to represent my client. He would be free to seek new counsel, yes?"

"This is true."

"Good. Death, if I succumb to dehydration, who shall represent you?"

Death stepped forward and crossed his arms. "I will represent myself."

War let out a laugh, followed by Famine. If Pestilence joined in, it was impossible to tell. Beth gave them plenty of time to yuck it up. The false sense of security that had just been established would give her an edge.

"Do you wish to give in to their demands?" Beth asked.

"No." Death's eyes filled with fire. "I shall sit here for an eternity before I allow these fools to walk the mortal realm. As I have walked this world since the beginning, so shall I sit until it meets its end. Even then, I shall maintain my vigil, purely out of spite for my brethren. They shall never again take part in the end of any world, and it shall put a smile on my face to crush their dreams."

The laughter stopped. War's mouth hung open for several moments before he looked over at Murray. "They can't do that!"

"You must come to an agreement." Murray turned his head, but his skin remained in place, allowing Beth to see his skull through what were now empty eye sockets. His jaw moved inside the flesh of his neck as he spoke. If she had actually eaten anything, she would have puked. "Nobody leaves until both sides agree."

"That isn't fair!" Famine pushed his way forward. "You can't hold us to an eternal stalemate!"

"You must come to an agreement." Murray was surrounded by an intense aura of light, which caused Famine to back away.

"You all fucked up. Probably should have picked a better leader." Beth examined her nails, pretending to be interested in imaginary dirt. "If you win, the world ends and I die anyway, along with everyone I've ever loved. If you really are the incarnation of war, you should know better than to pin a human in the corner and give them nothing to lose."

War let out a yell and picked up his sword. With a cry, he stepped forward as if to swing it. Several eyes on Mehkhkahrel's body appeared and blazed with golden light. The sword froze in mid-air, yanked out of War's hands.