Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 082

"Cerberus didn't complain about what they had to wear."

Lily looked over at Cerberus. Now in human form, each head wore a headband with reindeer antlers, the center head also wearing a bright red nose. Somewhere in Santa's bag, Death had found a package labeled Cerberus with an extremely gaudy Christmas sweater inside that fit over their top heavy frame.

"Yeah, well they have to wear that, don't they? Otherwise," she put her fingers in the air and made quotes. "They can't pull the sled."

"Sleigh," Death corrected.

"Whatever. I don't need to wear those fucking shoes just for a ride-along. Since you insist on playing dress up, there has to be something else I can wear instead."

"Hmm." Death contemplated the manual once more, then rummaged around in the storage compartment. "You apparently also get a candy cane and a special sticker."

"Special sticker?" Lily spun about and snatched the manual from Death's hand using her tail, fingers sprouting from the tip of it to hold the book open in front of her eyes. "Death! It says right here that Santa's Official Helper is a ceremonial position for any children who might get to ride along for a bit! It doesn't do anything!"

"Oh." Death frowned, then whipped around and sliced through a small demon that had made an attempt for the bag. The thing looked like a cross between an aardvark and a bobcat, and it wailed in agony before something shot out of the mist to carry away its upper half. "Oh, darn. I got demon's blood on the sleigh." He leaned over the side and used his thumb to smear it off.

"Okay, here it is. I just need to wear one of the spare hats, there's a safety feature which keeps me from falling out. Not that it matters, because I have wings, but the last thing I need is to get dumped over the Atlantic." She got into the sleigh and moved around Death to access the storage compartment. There were a couple of spare Santa jackets, plenty of blankets, and a few hats tucked inside. It was easy to see that, just like the bag, the sleigh was bigger on the inside.

"There." She pulled out a Santa hat that had a red rim around the edges and black velvet up top. "I like this one."

"Oh, it made your ears pointy!" Death flicked Lily's ear with a bony digit, making her jump. A quick touch confirmed that he was right, and no amount of concentrating seemed to undo the transformation.

"Oh, fudge it. Fudge? NO!" She started to pull the hat off, but the ground trembled beneath them, knocking her off balance. Death frowned, his attention on the demons now sprinting around them, creating a stampede. Horrors from the depths of the pit scrambled by, crushing each other against its red velvet exterior.

If the stampede was a storm, then an eye had formed around Cerberus. The three-headed woman bared their fangs and transformed back into the hellhound, complete with a massive set of reindeer antlers on each head. The sweater transformed into a harness in a burst of golden light, with a lead rope bedazzled in silver and gold bells that connected Cerberus to the sleigh.

The eye of the storm was tightening as the frightened demons broke formation and tried to run over the sleigh. The hellhound blasted the coming horde with flames from their mouths, scorching the dry earth and turning demons to ash. The Rudolph nose fell off the center head and was incinerated in the flames. The demons split even farther now, and collisions with the sleigh came to a halt.

"I have a bad feeling, deep in my bones." Death stared intensely at the mist as a giant creature blotted out the ghostlight that lit the Underworld. Seven massive necks stretched into the sky above a body the size of a large building, and a bass note that rattled Lily's rib cage sent a ripple through the fog.

"Holy heck!" Lily slapped Death on the shoulder. "We need to go. Now!" This wasn't some random monster roaming the Underworld, but a biblical evil that would have zero qualms about swallowing them whole.

A cacophony of roars filled the Underworld as the creature turned all seven heads in their direction. It marched toward them, the Underworld now silent save for its heavy steps.

Cerberus bolted, pulling the sleigh behind them. Golden sparks formed around the runners of the sleigh as the hellhound raced toward the iron gate. Silver light surrounded them as the sleigh expanded the world to allow them to slip between the bars.

The Yule Cat was waiting, but its eyes widened as Cerberus blasted it with fire, knocking it off the roof of the garage. The air reeked of burnt hair, and the cat howled as it rolled around on the snow, crushing one of the trolls. Spectral chains formed around the hellhound's necks, tethering them to the Underworld gate. The lumpy potato trolls raced forward, each of them trying to board the sleigh as Cerberus ran in a circle in the backyard. Crimson flames danced along the surface of the snow, holding back the attackers as Lily stabbed one right between the eyes with her stinger, knocking it free.

Cerberus, confined by the chains, couldn't get past the fountain. The Yule Cat was waiting for them when they circled back to the gate, its fangs bared and smoke rising from its scorched fur. An eerie mist surrounded it, sinking into the Yule Cat and repairing the damage that had been done.

"I thought you said the chains wouldn't be a problem!" Lily kept her head low as the Yule Cat leapt over Cerberus and raked claws across their flank. Cerberus growled, then snapped at the giant cat. It was surprisingly nimble for a creature so large, and was able to duck away. The chains tethered Cerberus to the Underworld, and when Lily had brought them up, Death had brushed off the question. He had been right about every other crazy thing that had happened, that she had just figured it was yet another Christmas miracle.

"And they won't be!" Death stood on top of the sleigh, held in place by the magic of the hat he wore. He lifted his scythe up high, the blade reflecting the light of the moon. The fires in his sockets burned bright as he brought the scythe down on the chain. "For they are spiritual shackles and my blade is sharp!"

There was a loud explosion as a wave of emerald light billowed outward, knocking the trolls and the Yule Cat away. A wave of energy passed harmlessly through the house and surrounding area as Cerberus, now unchained, surged forward. The bells on the harness jingled sharply as the lead was pulled taut, and the sleigh shot across the snow.

"Yes! Yes!" Death tucked his scythe under one arm as the sleigh tilted upward and Cerberus sprinted into the sky. Lily looked back to see the Yule Cat and the trolls transform into a sickly green mist that followed them. "We are flying, Lily, flying!"

"This is ridiculous," Lily muttered, then looked forward. Cerberus had no trouble running through the sky, leaving golden paw prints that floated in the air behind them as they went. The snowflakes suspended in the air bounced away from them as they passed, though more than a few accumulated in Death's beard.

Looking back again, the mist was close behind them, but was definitely slower. Lily wondered if the trolls and the Yule Cat were related, as their mode of transportation was identical.

"I have never felt more alive," Death declared. "I can see so far from up here!"

"Yeah, flying is pretty cool, no big deal." She flopped back in her seat and put her legs up. "So we just have to stay ahead of those idiots until Romeo finishes whatever he's doing at the pole. Easy."

Death said nothing, his focus on the reins. Every so often, Lily would look back to see if they had lost the Yule Cat and friends yet. The mist fell further back over time, and it wasn't until they were in the middle of the Atlantic that they finally lost them.

"It's about fudging time," she declared, then frowned. She hated this hat. "But we're safe for now."

"Indeed." Death was sitting now, his eyes on the horizon. "And now the real work begins."

"What real work? We protect the bag, that's it." She saw the wicked grin on Death's face and sat upright on her seat. "Hey, no, we're not doing anything extra! Let's keep things simple, there's no reason to deviate from avoiding that stupid cat. In fact, if we just stay over the ocean, it can't even bother us. We can be sky pirates if you want!"

Death turned his head. "Ah, but this sleigh has a purpose. There are millions of sleeping children out there who are expecting presents in the morning!"

"No! Absolutely not! All of this is crazy enough, but I fudging refuse. Fudge! Darn it!" She grabbed her hat and tried to rip it off, but panicked when it wouldn't budge. "What the heck? Why won't it come off?"

Death chuckled. "Oh, I think you know why. Santa's helpers wear these hats, dear Lily, and if we aren't delivering presents, why, we're no help to him at all."

"No." She shook her head. "There's no way we can do this, and we shouldn't even try. What, are we just going to sneak into people's homes and bring them gifts?"

Death reached into his coat and pulled out a scroll. He wrapped the reins around a hook, then opened the paper. "Amelia Anderson. Very good. Has three presents. Her brother Manny, good, has two small presents. Their next door neighbor is Ronald Walton, he is getting a bike this year."

"Where did you get that?" LIly felt the blood drain from her face.

"It was with the manual. And look, there's even a map!" He tilted the paper toward her to reveal a small map with a dot in the middle. "I know right where this is, I've memorized every map I've seen. And look!" He pulled the compass out of his pocket. "This is for if we get lost. Useful presents are the best kind, you know."

"Oh, fudge. Oh, fudge." She sat back and put her face in her hands. They were just supposed to get away from that fudging cat, how did things spiral so far out of control?

Death pulled a pair of mugs from his coat and set them down on a small flip tray in the center of the front wall of the sleigh. A moment later, he held a large thermos.

"I found this as well," he told her, then undid the top. The smell of hot cocoa filled the air as he poured out two cups. From another pocket came a baggie full of baby marshmallows, and he dropped a few in each cup.

"You're...you..." In disbelief, she watched as he picked up one of the cups and sipped from it. One of the marshmallows was already melted, and had gotten stuck between his teeth. "What about Cerberus? Surely they don't want to spend Santa knows how many days delivering presents."

"Ah, but you're wrong. You see, they get to leave the Underworld and explore the mortal realm! It's very exciting for them." He looked at the hellhound. "Isn't that so?"

All three heads howled at once as the sleigh picked up speed. Lily scowled and snatched the bag of marshmallows from Death, then dumped a bunch in her mug.

"That's the spirit!" Death said. "Would you like to sing some carols as we head for the South Pacific? The list is in some sort of geographical order, I recommend we heed its advice. That way, we don't have to backtrack."

"I should have stayed in New York," she muttered, then took a sip from her cup. Surprisingly, the beverage warmed her up and made her feel slightly better. Sighing, she took a huge swallow and leaned back in her seat. "At least the cocoa is good."

"It is, indeed, my demonic friend. It is, indeed."

Grinning, Death snapped the reins and launched into a loud rendition of Santa Claus is Coming to Town as he banked the sleigh into a massive u-turn. Lily stared at the distant horizon, noticing that the northern lights shifted about in the distance. A smile broke through her grumpy facade, but she forced it back. It was going to be a long night, and her only hope was that Mike could find Santa and get him to quit being a lazy bum and take over gift distribution.

"This is the Christmas special from heck," she muttered, then tried once more, unsuccessfully, to pull her hat off.

Groaning, Yuki stumbled to her feet. She felt dizzy, and couldn't remember anything after being grabbed by the ghost of Christmas Past. The ground was covered in snow, and she recognized the park just down the road from the house. A group of children were in the middle of building a snowman on the soccer field, and a couple of them had resorted to throwing snowballs at each other.

Had she been knocked out of the time lock? She turned around and was surprised to see herself sitting on a bench.

"This was how you spent last Christmas." The ghost of Christmas Past stood next to her, dressed much like the children behind them.

She whirled around and commanded the snow around them to tear through the spirit in a storm of icy spears. Her magic slid along the ground around her, but the icicles shattered as they formed, falling back into place as snowflakes.

"These are the shadows of things that have been," the spirit informed her with a smug look. "This snow fell a year ago, and has long melted into water and returned to the Earth. It shall not do your bidding."

A tarot card appeared in her hand, but the moment she summoned its magic, the card puffed out of existence. Frustrated, she tried to tackle the spirit, but passed harmlessly through it.

"You cannot harm a spirit, silly." Christmas Past hovered above the ground, then danced away from her. "Magic though you may be, you are still of the mortal realm. We are here regarding your welfare."

"I don't want to talk about my welfare." She scooped up a handful of snow and threw it, but the ball crumbled the moment it left her hand and returned to where it had come from.

"That is no longer your decision." The spirit turned to look at the Yuki on the bench. "Last Christmas, you came to this place instead of spending time with your family."

Disgruntled, Yuki ran toward the edge of the park. There was a thick layer of trees around the border of the park. After dodging the prickly branches, she emerged on the other side.

"Oh, c'mon!" She had somehow reappeared exactly where she had left. The spirit hovered over her former self, then landed to stand on the bench.

"Why would you seek the cold solace of the park when you could have enjoyed the warmth of a house reborn?" it asked her.

"Because that wasn't my home," she declared in anger. "It's the same building, and the same people, but it wasn't the same anymore. And if you're able to see all these things in my head, then you darned well know why!" She paused then licked her lips. "Darned. Why can't I say...oh. That's annoying."

Her former self sighed and stood. The kids had gotten closer, and families were now arriving at the park. New sleds were broken in as they used a small hill nearby, while parents laughed with their children. Former Yuki wandered into the trees, looked around to see if anyone was watching, then transformed into a fox before diving into the underbrush.

"There were too many people," Yuki said before the spirit could ask.

"You shed your humanity in order to hide from community."

"I am just as much a fox as a human. I don't have to choose, you floating bag of farts. Now where is Mike?" She got in the spirit's face and snarled. "What have you done with him?"

"His past is not your own, and..." the spirit's eyes widened dramatically. "Miser!" it shouted, its skull distorting.

Yuki stepped away from it and held up her hands. The outburst had startled her, and she wasn't sure how she had triggered it. "So, what? We're going to spend all day here watching while I nap in the bushes?"

The spirit shuddered, then appeared at her side. It took her hand and pulled her forward. The world rippled, and now they stood inside the house.

"Ah, okay, you're going to show me how much fun everyone else is...having..." She had expected to see Mike opening presents with the others, but the decorations were different. Instead of strings of light, there were thick garlands wrapped around the tree. Mike preferred the twinkling of lights, but she knew someone who loved the garlands just as much.

"Please," she begged, but Emily walked into the room in a pair of flannel pajamas. She carried a small stack of packages which she arranged beneath the tree, making sure to adjust the bows on each one. "Don't make me watch this."

She hadn't seen Emily since the night her spirit had moved on. Even though she knew that the specter before her was just a glimpse of the past, it was impossible not to feel dread, longing, and heartache all at once. This was Emily before she had turned, the woman who had traveled the world by Yuki's side.

Yuki's former self wandered in, a mischievous grin on her face. She was in a pair of flannel pajamas and had adorned her fox ears with ribbons. A pair of tails stuck out of the custom hole that had been stitched into the seat of her bottoms. Moving quietly, she snuck up behind Emily and held mistletoe over her head. When Emily turned away from the tree, she was startled, then laughed when she saw what Yuki was doing.

"There you are," Emily said, then wrapped her arms around past Yuki's waist. "Oh? And is that mistletoe?"

"I've heard a rumor that you're superstitious," former Yuki said with a grin.

"Very much so." Emily pulled the kitsune in for a passionate kiss, her skin sparkling as her magic washed across both of them.

"This is one of your happiest Christmas memories," the spirit said, but Yuki turned away from it.

"And what's the point of making me see it?" she demanded. "To remind me that I used to enjoy Christmas? I don't hate Christmas, I'm mourning what I lost. There's a huge difference."

"So you're saying you'll kiss anything beneath the mistletoe?" former Yuki asked.

"Without hesitation," Emily replied with a smirk. There was the rustling of clothes and Yuki knew that her past self had just stretched her pants away from her belly to reveal that she had shaved and colored her pubes into the shape of a mistletoe.

"Stop it," she cried, then tried to leave the room. It was the same as in the park, only now she found herself back in the living room where Emily was eagerly pulling Yuki's pants off. "You won't let me swear, but you'll make me watch this?"

Christmas Past remained silent, a twisted smile on their lips. Black lines flowed over their face, as if someone had dripped ink on its head.

Yuki covered her ears and looked out the window, only to see that it was an identical room that mirrored what was happening. When she closed her eyes, her lids became clear like glass. Groaning in agony she tried to find some corner of the room to hide herself away from the sight. She and Emily would often have sex for hours, this Christmas would be no exception.

The spirit hovered overhead, watching the scene unfold with a beatific smile on its face. Yuki tried to hurl fox fire at it, but the magic wouldn't come.

"You two were very much in love." Christmas Past had to raise its voice to be heard over the moaning. "It is very easy to see."

Yuki ignored the spirit, turning her attention inward. At one point, Tink peered around the corner, her yellow eyes wide as she watched them. The goblin had been caught several times peeping on the two of them, but Yuki definitely didn't remember busting her for this one.

"Perhaps we have seen enough." Christmas Past licked its lips, taking Yuki by the hand and dragging her out into the hall. They were transported across time and space into a small fishing village in Japan. It was winter, and the few people milling about did so quickly to avoid the chill.

Yuki looked around with a frown. She recognized the village, but couldn't remember its name. One of the natural limitations of living for hundreds of years was that old information slipped easily through the cracks of time. Still, the smell of saltwater and fish tickled the back of her memory, and she realized exactly where she was.