How About Them Apples? Ch. 03 - Conclusion

The following Friday, Mike called Martha. He hated texting, preferring to hear the other person's voice. Lots of nuance you couldn't get from reading words on a screen. She answered on the second ring.

"Hi Mike" she said trying to sound casual

"Hey Martha, I guess you kept my number huh?" Mike responded genuinely surprised.

"Why yes... yes, I did. I don't know why but it never occurred to me to delete it. It's nice to hear from you."

"Thanks, it's nice to hear your voice as well." (OK he thought, I may as well dive right in the deep end!)

"Martha, I want to say again I appreciate your words last Sunday. I'm still not sure what to make of them, but to be honest, what you said was the last message I ever expected to come out of your mouth. Perhaps I should have taken more time to talk to you then, but I was a bit overwhelmed."

"No worries, Mike, I'm sure it was a surprise for you. I meant what I said, there was no expectation on my part for you to respond that morning."

"Thanks Martha, listen, let me come right to the point. I know I'm not ready to forgive you because we've never discussed what happened from this perspective. You shocked me by your betrayal and demand I accede to your affair. I could never accept that and shouted as much at you. Our handful of attempts to talk were coming from people opposing one another, each trying not to lose. What you've asked me is to be part of a conversation WITH you, WITH a mutual goal of forgiveness and some minimal reconciliation."

"Over the last five days I've experienced a wide range of emotions. Rage, fear, deep sadness, loneliness, confusion and then some. However, one thing I've decided for certain. I want to have this conversation with you. I can't look myself in the mirror if I'm unwilling to listen to someone asking forgiveness. I don't know if it is genuine, or what has motivated it. I am nowhere near trusting you or what you say but if I ignore your request, I will be making a choice based on hate, animosity, and a desire for revenge. That isn't who I want to be."

"So, I'd like to suggest something if that is OK with you."

Martha had barely been breathing as Mike had spoken. This was more than she could have possibly hoped for. Mike being willing to talk was like a miracle from heaven. However, she didn't want to sound too anxious.

"Of course, Mike, I'd love to hear your suggestion."

• "I propose a series of four meetings, once a week for the next month. Either party can stop after any meeting and not continue. I think the first two are no brainers. The first week I'll come with my questions and comments for you. The second week you do the same. If we're still talking, we can figure out meetings three and four.

• "I also want to suggest a two-hour time limit. I'd like to spend thirty minutes just catching up on family matters and life in general. The last ninety minutes can be spent in the important issue of moving toward forgiveness."

• "Next, I recommend a semi-private location for both our sakes. This could get heated as we dig up hurts so we shouldn't be completely alone. However, a café or restaurant is too much. I think one of the picnic tables towards the back of the park by the lake would be a good spot. Plenty of dog walkers or joggers in case you get mad and try to drown me, but nobody close enough to eavesdrop on our conversations."

• "Lastly, I hope we can keep this from the kids for a while. I know we've both talked to Sally and Jim in generalities, but neither of us, as far as I know have talked about any of this with MJ and Pam. No point calling too much attention to this." (MJ was short for Michael Junior)

"That's all I have, what do you think?"

"It sounds good and right to me Mike. To be completely honest, and please feel free to fact check me on this, I have spoken with Sally. I told her my intentions to ask your forgiveness on the morning I asked her to forgive my terrible treatment of my family. I didn't give her any details, and unless you've shared it with her, she knows nothing of our conversations to this point."

Mike was pleasantly surprised to hear Martha share her desire for grace from others in the family whom she hurt. While deeper trust was a long way off, if it ever came, he had no trouble believing what she just told him.

"No need to check you on that Martha. I take your word for it. You have no reason to lie to me about that. Do you have any suggestions to my plan? It's also perfectly fine if you want to think it over and get back to me. It's the 27th today so I suggest we begin next week. You tell me what evening is good for you and I'll make it work on my schedule. I have no business trips on the horizon so I should be fine with whatever works for you."

"I have nothing to add Mike, although I appreciate you giving me time to sleep on it. If I come up with anything that I think is worth mentioning, I'll call you if that is OK with you."

"Fine Martha, I look forward to our conversations... I think..." Mike concluded somewhat cautiously.

Martha laughed at the obvious discomfort they both felt for good reason. "Yeah, me too! Bye Mike"

Martha called Mike late the next afternoon. She had no changes just a couple of clarifications. She proposed they meet at 5 PM the next two Wednesday's. The sun was going down sooner as fall moved on, so it would be almost dark by 6:30. She also suggested Mike let her bring a light meal and a bottle of wine to the first two visits. Mike agreed to her providing food but insisted on bringing the wine. Martha saw that as another hopeful sign. Plus, Mike was actually a level 2 CMS certified Sommelier. He'd spent two years in France during college and knew his wines!

"This may end in disaster, she thought to herself clicking off her call with Mike, "But at least I'll be in good spirits when it blows up!"

Their first conversation began at one of the more secluded spots at the local park. They picked a table slightly hidden from view by several medium to large oak trees. About nine months before MJ was born, they'd enjoyed a picnic at this very spot. They'd also enjoyed each other's bodies which may have explained the timing of MJ's arrival into the world. Neither spoke of this, but it wasn't lost on them either. Martha had pulled pork sandwiches, her homemade potato salad, sliced red tomatoes and some strawberries she'd frozen earlier the previous summer. She brought some whip cream for the berries, remembering their sexually charged previous picnic here about 28 years ago. If she recalled correctly, whip cream was what had started the shenanigans.

Mike knew intuitively Martha would pick a red meat this time of fall so he brought a very nice bottle of Chateau Montelena 2013 Cabernet. Most of the 20-teens had been spectacular years for both Napa and Sanoma. The crew at CM always did a nice job, but 2013 was one of their best efforts in recent memory.

They enjoyed the meal and small talk about the kids, Emily, work and where they were volunteering their time in the community. Neither seemed anxious to get to the most important aspect of the evening, but when Mike looked at his watch and saw it was 5:29, he switched gears.

"Well, we better get to it Martha. I'm glad we could chat casually, but obviously we need to talk about the elephant in the room if the goal is to find a way forward that isn't defined by hurt and hate. First, let me say I have no interest in hearing the sexual details of your affair. I don't need to know where and when, if he was bigger or better or anything of that sort. I'm confident in who I am and how I treated you. Laying out lurid aspects of your unfaithfulness will only hurt, not help."

Mike continued, "Martha, I was a good husband to you. I worked my ass off to get ahead but never at the expense of our relationship. I was home evenings and weekends. I was engaged with our kids from day one, but always put our relationship ahead of being a dad. I knew if we were good, the kids would be fine. I wasn't perfect, far from it. I know I could be stubborn and unreasonable at times."

"Occasionally, I'm ashamed to say, I had a short fuse with you. But dammit, I never gave you any reason of which I know to betray me and crush my heart like you did. So, I don't care about the sex. That is only the tip of the iceberg. What I want to know Martha, is what compelled you to turn your back on me and our marriage in such a destructive manner? If I prompted it in some way you need to tell me and tell me now. Don't sugarcoat it or be nice. If I was hurtful, neglectful or in some other way drove you into Little Billy's arms tell me here and now."

Mike was breathing heavily now, as the hurt and rage began to resurface. Up to this point, they'd been speaking politely, even in a friendly manner. Now Martha could see Mike's pain up close and personal. It made her flinch and look down at the ground.

"Mike, I felt you would ask me something along these lines. I'm not going to insult you by skimming over your pain like it wasn't that bad. Nor am I going to say it was nothing you did, just something I had to get out of my system. What I will say is this. I am convinced I'm 95% responsible for what I did. Your part in it was small.

"Yes, you came home for evenings and weekends and most of the time you heart and mind were with me and the kids." Yes, you continued to bring me surprises and take me on fun weekend getaways. But something in it felt rote. I'm not saying you stopped loving me, far from it. I know you always adored me. But at some point, it seemed a bit more like going through the motions than deeply heartfelt. I felt like you stopped pursuing me and treasuring me. You played a little more golf on our weekend getaways than before. You rarely mixed up the types of flowers you brought me. I counted once and it was a three-month period between you asking me my thoughts on an important topic."

"I have no excuse for what I did. I should have come to you and talked about it with you. I should have shared my thoughts and concerns. It would have been so simple to tell you about my hurt and what I felt were your slights. I am confident you would have engaged with me and we would have found a good pathway forward and deepened our love for one another."

"This is what makes it so hard for me. The obvious and best answer was right in front of me and I ignored it. I can't say it didn't dawn on me to approach you. It did. But at the same moment little Billy was crouching at my door. He was paying serious attention to me. Flattering me, taking an interest in my thoughts and opinions and noticing the smallest things about me. If I had a slightly different way of wearing my hair, or had a new pair of shoes he noticed. If I felt off, he picked up on it and asked me about my feelings. In short, he romanced me like a man truly interested in a woman does."

"I was pleased with his attentions. I can't say I was blindsided, but at first it just felt nice to have a man, ten years my junior pursuing a relationship with me. He was smooth, so smooth I was in too deep before I realized what was happening. I was no child and should have been wise to his sweet-talk, but maybe I just decided I'd ignore what it was because it was fun and exciting."

"I won't go into the physical side of the relationship. I'm glad you're not interested. But I must say the first time he kissed me I was gob smacked. I didn't see it coming. I kissed him back, but only for a brief second. He apologized, we both said it would never happen again. Three days later, in my office he kissed me again, more passionately this time and again, I didn't stop him. Like before, we promised ourselves that this couldn't go anywhere. We didn't touch each other for two weeks."

"Then on a Wednesday evening when you had taken MJ and sally out of town to see your dad, he stopped by my office. I stayed late that day to get some extra grading done. We talked for a few minutes when he came around my desk, pulled me to my feet and kissed me deeply. I knew at that moment I was going to sleep with him."

It happened that night. Not in our house or in our bed, it was at his apartment. When I left his place returning home, I cried all the way and then cried myself to sleep. I felt so guilty. I knew I had to tell you but was terrified at how you would respond. I knew you'd never cheat on me. I knew your strident honesty. As I began to play out scenarios in my mind and each of them ended with you kicking me to the curb."

By the end of the next day, before you came home my shame had turned to anger. Why had you neglected me? Why didn't you do the little things Billy was doing? Perhaps it was out of fear, but by the end of the day I was blaming you. This was your fault. I deserved to be happy and if you couldn't see how to do that it was your fault. I know now that was beyond immature and selfish but that is what I did."

"My rude behavior wasn't instant. I worked hard to hide my cheating by trying to be kind and loving to you, but I couldn't pull it off. Maybe you felt something that first weekend, maybe it took a few weeks, but I began to treat you differently and we both know where that went."

Martha was tearful as she spoke, but she kept her eyes on Mike. She didn't want him to just hear her words, she wanted him to see her heart and know she wasn't holding back. It was ugly and hurtful but she was done shifting the blame and lying about her duplicity.

For his part, Mike met her gaze. He too was tearing up as she spoke, but he wanted to reassure her he wanted to engage even if it meant reliving some of the worst moments of his life. He also wanted her to know he wasn't a defeated man. He never felt the better man won. His ego was deeply bruised, but his dignity was intact. Yes, he'd made mistakes and come up short in several ways as she had mentioned, but he was confident that didn't add up to Martha being free to pursue another man while married to him. If he looked away or down at his feet, his body language would signal a lack of confidence. He'd not been perfect, but in this case, he was well aware he held the moral high ground and he wasn't going to give an inch.

"I understand your comments Martha, and don't have any follow up questions right now. I may want to come back to this later, but for now I appreciate you trying to tell me the truth. What I'd like to know is how do you know your current remorse will actually lead to true change? Couldn't it be that you are just afraid of growing old alone? You're only fifty-one, but that's not thirty-one. Perhaps you're not really sorry, you're just frightened about being alone and you believe I'm your easiest pathway back to stability as you define it."

Martha was silent for a moment, rolling Mike's comments around in her head. "It could be Mike, but as far as I know my heart I don't think so. I wouldn't call it a conversion experience, but I've done a great deal of soul-searching since Jim and Sally confronted me. I'd already been alone for a month when that happened and had begun considering my choices. On the outside, I was still acting as the defiant liberated woman. But on the inside, I knew I'd done great damage to my own soul and couldn't sustain the façade."

"Cheating on Billy was the icing on the cake of my moral dilemma. Billy wasn't a 100th of the man you were and are Mike, but that was no excuse for my behavior. His discovery and my STD prognosis left me adrift in a sea of inner turmoil. I couldn't justify who I had become no matter how hard I tried. One day, shortly after being uninvited to Em's fourth birthday party I began to have a new thought. It slowly dawned on me that men weren't my problem, I was my problem. No excuse, no blame-shifting, just beginning to hate the woman who looked back at me in the mirror."

"Honestly, the thought of growing old alone does unsettle me. But if I'm going to grow old alone, at least it will be after I come clean, seek forgiveness and begin to rebuild the character I threw away through my selfishness."

Now it was Mike's turn to be quiet for a moment or two. She was giving him a good deal to process. He had a few more questions. What would a good outcome look like going forward? Did she plan on staying in the area long-term? He wanted to know about her counseling and how it was helping her. What did the counselor think of her course? She answered each with the same thoughtful and honest attitude.

It was now dark and Mike could see the park ranger beginning to make his rounds letting folks know it was time to leave. Mike waved him off with a quick, "Hi Reggie, we're packing up and will be out of here in ten minutes!"

Reggie shouted back, "Sounds good Mike, nice to see you... and you too Martha."

As they cleaned up and headed out Mike didn't take Martha's hand, but he walked closely to her. He wanted her to know he was genuinely thankful for their time together. He helped her load her car up, thanked her for the dinner and held her car door open for her. He stood and watched her drive away thinking to himself, "Well Michael, that was interesting..."

The next Wednesday found them in the same spot. Interestingly when Mike got there at 4:30 to make sure they could grab the same spot he found Martha had already arrived and laid out their picnic. It was cooler and Martha was wearing a sweater over her hunter green dress, but he also noticed it was a little shorter, a couple of inches above the knee. He was reminded that his ex-wife had great legs. "Fuck me" he sighed as he approached.

Martha's questions were about how Mike processed her infidelity. She desperately wanted to ask if he had found solace in the arms of another woman or was seeing anyone now, but Sally had hinted that wasn't the case, and she knew she had no right to ask. The conversation was hard! Again, they found themselves revisiting the most profound pain of Mike's life.

Toward the end of the conversation Mike was sharing the darkness of nights alone in the early stages of the separation and divorce. Martha decided to throw caution to the wind. She reached out and took Mike's hands in hers. She was mildly surprised and thrilled to no end that he didn't flinch, recoil or ask her to stop. He accepted her hands in his as he spoke.

Again, it was getting dark and Reggie would be coming by soon so they turned their attention to the next two meetings, both agreeing they'd like to continue. But Mike once again surprised Martha.

"Martha, what would you think of us spending our next two get-togethers with your counselor? I'm very grateful for our conversations and believe we've made progress. However, I feel like we're in the first stages of our journey for which I have no road map. I'm encouraged, but I don't know how to process the deep pain in a way that will lead to some amount of reconciliation. Part of my success in business has come from knowing when I don't know the answers. At those moments I was lucky enough to have good people around me to help. I think we'd be wise to acknowledge that now and seek some guidance."

Martha's heart was leaping, but she tried to hide her joy. "I think that would be very good for us Mike. I'll call her first thing tomorrow morning and see what she can set up." That ended up being the last lie she ever told Mike. She didn't wait until the next morning; she called her counselor from the car as she drove away from the park and left her a voicemail.

The next two weeks were both fascinating and painful for Mike. While the counselor didn't make Martha dive deeply into the physical aspect of her affair and subsequent cheating on little Billy with Miles Keller, she did probe the attraction and physical intimacy enough to make Mike uncomfortable. However, Martha's confessions included her serious disappointment in both men. According to his ex-wife neither measured up to Mike on any level. Mike kept his poker face while listening, but inside he felt some sense of vindication. "She left me for something better and found out it was much worse. Good for her!"