How I Arrived at My Orientation

So here's a comprehensive, highly explicit story of my sexual history with guys that concludes with where I am now. I hope it proves an interesting, and potentially arousing read for any guy mid-40s to mid-60s in my area who's seriously interested in having a male friend with benefits/lover.

You'll learn in great detail about my turn ons and just why I want the kind of sexual relationship I seek with another man.

I'm a single guy, late-50s, in good shape, height and weight proportionate, with a decent head of hair left, a 6" cut cock and tight ass:

My first sexual experience was with a male high school friend that started in the late 1970s. Our times together included sucking each other for a couple years and licking each other's asses as well. We did kiss a few times too.

We both never had any sexual experience with a guy or a girl other than each other beforehand, so it was a lot of fun trial and error and learning what we liked as we went along.

There are numerous experiences he and I shared that stayed with me from that relationship. I'd recall some very fondly and some definitely helped shape my sexual desires on a long term basis.

I remember times being on my knees, as my friend stood, putting my hands under the waistband of his 'tightie-whitie' Fruit of the Looms and slowly lowering them to reveal his semi-hard cock. It was always highly arousing to do that. The second I saw his meat, I would immediately want to hold it and suck it.

As much as I'd go on to lower women's panties in the future, doing so never turned me on more than lowering my male friend's underwear and seeing a penis there. From the moment I saw his up close, I found a hard cock with a nice mushroom head and thick shaft exceptionally attractive. His was an awesome sight. I'd never done any more than kiss a girl at that time but I soon had no doubts I loved to suck cock myself.

Our earliest experimentation featured numerous 69 sessions outdoors in discreet locations and in our bedrooms. We would also take turns face-fucking each other as one guy lay on his back and the other straddled his head. I think of once sliding in and out of his mouth face fucking him and feeling my cock jump and twitch dramatically as I blew what felt like a powerful, huge load. He didn't say anything about it afterward but I knew it was one serious mouthful of my cum he took.

Perhaps because of that, gradually over the time he and I got together that way, he became more the alpha in our sexual relationship, which was fine with me. It was an easy and natural progression. That evolution started as we no longer 69ed because I clearly wanted to suck him more than he did me but we were both quite happy that way. In fact, neither of us were yet skilled enough to date girls and I'd find myself asking to suck his cock every chance I got. Eventually, he would no longer suck me but did occasionally jack me off. To my mind at the time, that simply allowed me to get better at sucking him. In retrospect, I see that even in my first sexual relationship, yes, with a guy, I craved the submissive role sexually.

After I'd lower his underwear, I'd routinely ask him what he wanted me to do, to which he'd reply "Suck my cock." Those three words would set my teenage brain afire. He knew I wanted to and understood I wanted to be told to do it. I would kneel and get between his legs while he'd sit at the edge of a bed or lie back on a couch or the ground and take his dick in my mouth as quickly as possible. I'd give him long, loving blowjobs, sucking him as far into my mouth as I could and enthusiastically licking his shaft and scrotum. His cock was really good sized and shaped.

So what if I was a guy I thought, why on earth wouldn't I want to suck something as gorgeous as that? I was young and the times were different. I never thought of labels. It just seemed a natural extension of our friendship. And I'd absolutely love it when I'd lie face up on my back and he'd take charge, straddle my head, fuck my face and eventually pulse semen into my mouth, which he did plenty of times. It felt super satisfying to be 'used' by another guy that way. I was very happy every time I'd get that sweet cock in my face and between my lips. I admit I didn't even pursue trying to date any high school girls during the days when I was his cocksucking, cum drinking slut. My sexual desires were definitely met through that relationship. It also felt very natural for me to do that.

Our high school peer group were all scheming on how to land a girl but I loved being my friend's cocksucker. I was a guy who loved it when after thrusting his dick in and out of my mouth, he would turn over and tell me to get my face in his ass and lick his asshole. There was something about the experience that was kinky and hot. I loved the way his anus smelled...and tasted. It was wonderful to have someone want you to do that for them. I also later figured out that that most girls who wanted to give me head weren't into 'going all the way' into slutland and eating my ass...but I did for my male friend.

Unfortunately, with he and I, gay intercourse was likely just too 'sophisticated' a sexual concept for the two of us to really understand back then.

My friend and I drifted apart and I didn't engage in homosexuality during the years directly after that. There was a very negative stigma and even danger involved in gay hookups in the 1980s and early-mid 90s that deterred me, as well as AIDS, and I took the far easier path of dating women.

However, I did look at gay porn magazines whenever I could discretely find any. I also often masturbated to thoughts of being with another guy, even though I had steady girlfriends. I had a small vibrator in those days that I'd put in my ass too, as the desire of taking a cock there was born from and fueled by the porn I saw. Even though my first girlfriend was very sexually adventurous and I fucked her in the ass a lot, I never had desires to fuck a man. But the desire to be fucked by a man? It looked pretty interesting and cool to me in the gay magazines I kept carefully hidden.

I'll never forget how I felt seeing the first gay VHS tape I rented in the early 90s. I settled into a darkened room of my home by myself to watch. My eyes popped out of my head and my cock was rock hard as I first took in the film of one man fucking another. Those two were doing something amazingly wonderful together in my view. One partner was simply surrendering his ass to the other, who was sinking his cock in balls deep, thrust after long, slow thrust. They were first doing it doggie style and seeing that first closeup film of a cock sliding in an out of a stretched asshole with his partner's balls and hard cock directly below it were quickly seared into my psyche.

I thought 'How beautiful, how natural' -- just as my desire to suck cock never really felt weird to me, it always felt incredibly natural! Watching it, I figured that if you had one man who is into fucking a man's ass and a man who wants to take a hard cock up the ass, well, that could be one very satisfying experience for two compatible, consenting adults. Both men in the video were certainly both enjoying themselves too. It seemed like a fantastic expression of friendship between two men to me and a very likely progression from the cocksucking I'd already done in real life.

But there was something about seeing this act in a film, not just a stationary picture, that truly registered/clicked in a major way with me. It seemed somehow more natural than straight intercourse, which I'd had plenty of by that time. After all, I thought, we spend more time growing up with our own gender, why should our sexuality have to forever divert to the opposite gender. And I'd also fucked my first girlfriend's ass enough to know that a woman could take it and enjoy it there.

But that video completely confirmed to me just how enjoyable an act it could be for a man to take another's cock fully inside his ass. There was a powerful magnificence to this sans female sex. Watching such motion, the give and take, hearing the bottom's moans of pleasure at being completely impaled on a dick the way I fucked my former girlfriend's ass and both the men's panting and gasping made my heart slam in my chest.

One thing that seemed inherent in the act was that one man was submitting to the other, even more than cocksucking on one's knees. I loved the images of one man sexually dominating another this way.

Both the bottom and the top were enjoying what seemed equal pleasure, even though the act appeared on the surface to be more for the top's pleasure. Using the small vibrator in my ass already well acquainted me with the fact it felt good to be penetrated by the time I'd seen that video.

But soon after watching it, I was inspired to go on a small shopping spree at an adult store. I purchased several dildos of various thicknesses and lengths. From then on, my ass would take full size, cock-shaped dildos.

I'd love how the flared cockhead widened my sphincter to then accept a shaft that had simulated veins and a base of balls at the bottom to indicate I'd taken the full length. The feeling of something bigger and far more cock-like sliding in and out of my ass helped move me one step closer to what it felt like to accept a dick there. In addition, I learned how to use a disposable enema in my ass before I'd take the dildos, to prepare for a nice, clean fucking.

And I knew that one reality also applied from my previous cocksucking: I definitely received as much pleasure being the cocksucker as my friend did getting a blowjob from me or fucking my face and unloading cum in my mouth. So... even if I didn't directly cum solely from fucking my ass with a dildo, I knew that taking a cock in my ass from a man could provide me as much pleasure as it would him. Being penetrated by a thick, phallus-shaped object allowed me feel more of what a bottom feels in real life with a flared head, both when it stretched my asshole open and how the head and shaft rubbed my prostate. It also helped produce mind blowingly strong orgasms if I touched my own cock at all. I'd shoot so hard that cum would hit my upper chest and chin.

The Internet was finally up and running as I reached my early 30s. It became fairly convenient to have online chats with guys that always had the potential to lead to a discrete hookup. I actually did meet a couple guys this way, including a very cool guy who fucked my ass once.

I learned I still loved to suck a dick and didn't hesitate at all the first time I was in a 69 again with another guy.

That one time getting fucked was a good, positive experience but I sure wish I'd done that a lot more. I'd been increasingly looking at gay porn once the Internet made it more accessible and was stroking to those images and videos easily as much as, if not more than, straight porn.

Also, by this point in time, I would acknowledge to the guys I interacted with online and the few I did meet with in person that I was definitely a more submissive bottom type with men. I had plenty of dildo practice. My desire to

submit....and later be fucked... had grown steadily from orally submitting to my high school friend.

That one guy who fucked me later did have a great, thick cock with a broad head.

The first time he and I got together, we only sucked each other. The second time was different.

As soon as we were nude in his bedroom, he instructed me to suck his cock to full hardness. As I eagerly did, he told me what was hardening in my mouth would soon be put deeply into my ass, which was extremely exciting to hear. He then had me climb up onto the edge of the bed and lie face up as he put a condom over his own hard dick. He fingered me with lube, applying plenty to his cock head as well, which he placed to my anus and moved around the outside of it in slow circles...teasing me. He was a total top and knew how to put that first real dick inside my rectum. After he had the head and a couple inches of shaft in my ass, he smiled and slowly pushed my legs back to my chest. Then he looked in my eyes and at my hard cock now lying against my stomach as he slowly, methodically pushed his dick all the way to the balls inside me. With years of dildo practice, of course, it went smoothly. His 7" cock felt like a thick dildo, stretching and filling my tight ass but it was far better because I actually was giving myself to another man for the first time in a way I'd wanted to do for years. My ass took each thrust happily. After he fucked me, he asked if he could jack off on my chest. Of course, I said yes. It was hot.

Sadly, we only did that once, as I was nervous about going further into being bisexual or gay. In the late 90s, society was not as progressive as today. It was still not something I was ready for when it was so much easier to date a woman and clamp down my homosexual desires.

Not long after I took my first ass fucking, I married a woman. We lived a somewhat happy life for 20 years.

Upon my divorce in my mid-50s, I instinctively knew engaging more in homosexuality should be in the cards for me. My heterosexual lovemaking with her was fun and good for a few years but became lame over time because she lost interest in being kinky and being a repressed bisexual, I had lots and lots of kink in my psyche.

The divorce I endured was blindsiding, unwanted and traumatic. People would tell me to be watchful for the good things that could come from this horrific personal experience. In that light, I eventually decided I would embrace the gift of being able to return to my initial sexual orientation -- one that had nothing to do with a woman. The recollection of literally thousands of orgasms I'd had in the past 20 years when I'd be thinking of engaging in homosexuality invigorated the knowledge that finally, I could again take part in such compelling acts between compatible men in real life, not merely in fantasyland. I'd think that because I first had sex with a guy, not a girl, perhaps these desires were more natural for me than heterosexual sex. I wanted to find a man who could help me embrace that sexual calling I first had in my teens and regularly fulfill desires that never, ever left me.

While I jerked off to gay porn and fucked my ass with dildos regularly, I took my time getting to the point where I could meet another guy in person again and start exploring more seriously.

I did have a few things I was looking for in a guy to help me in real life:

I primarily want a man interested in being Friends with Benefits and would help me finally, fully explore being a submissive bottom when we were alone in private.

The theme of the porn scenes I watched where one guy was an alpha and the other guy accepted his sub role turning me on the most of anything I'd see only increased in intensity post-divorce. I was nervous thinking about taking an alpha male lover again but incredibly aroused by the thought too.

I want to find a somewhat 'normal/sane' guy I can spend time with who would appear straight when we were friends in public but be sexually-verbally dominant with me in private. A man who:

• Would enjoy telling me to suck cock

• Would enjoy slapping his dick all over my face to get us both hard for the submissive cocksucking to follow

• Would tea bag me so we could both feel the way his hard cock would press against my face and forehead in respect of his manliness and to show him that I'd worship him sexually as much as...if not more than... any woman would.

• Would help grow my innate knowledge from having my own cock to please his as his slut.

• Would tell me to eat his asshole the way I used to eat pussy and cherish the intense intimacy that came from another man rimming him and sliding a tongue into his warm hole.

• Would make me take his cock deeply into my ass in various positions.

After a while, the mesmerizing sexual imagery I looked at even bore its way into my subconscious. I began to literally have dreams of kneeling and having a man hold my head in place while he guided his cock into my mouth. I had indeed been face fucked by my first lover, who I'd now fondly remind myself was a guy. But having such dreams was a pretty clear indication my inherent longing to kneel while a man held my head in place as his devoted cocksucker while he stood before me was only increasing. I would wake up hard as a rock from those dreams. I thought of my teenage friend ceasing sucking me so I could become the true cock lover in our relationship. I would bob my head back and forth on my dildos and work to suck them deeper over time as I watched videos of kneeling, cocksucking men, giving their lover the respect and worship he deserved with both men fully embracing their roles in the relationship as dominant and submissive.

The smell and taste of latex in my mouth sucking a dildo reminded me that such practice would be beneficial for returning to sucking dick regularly. I'd move my lips lovingly, tightly over the head I'd bob down onto or thrust into my own mouth.

After my divorce was final, I started to discretely look for a decent guy I could meet locally, who might help me understand and embrace my desires.

It's been a lot of months since then. What I've found on 'hookup' sites is a lot of jerks, phonies and psychos. There are many married guys out there and I realize that comes with its own unique set of problems. While it could be great to have a discreet, long term friendship with a married guy, their having to hide it from a significant other is a pain to even engage in regular online conversations, let alone set up a first meeting at a public place to just talk. They also routinely disappear in the middle of an online conversation, super frustrating, as I live alone and don't have to hide within my own house.

It's been disappointing to say the least. I do my best not to give up hope.

On the plus side, I've had long conversations, explaining my background and how I seek a friendship with a total top and a dominant one in the bedroom. I tell the guys I chatted with things like how much I wanted to give head on my knees while my partner

called me a faggot, gay, slut, etc. and that I even wanted to take a facial.

In fact, facials had become commonplace in porn since that one experience I had of the guy cumming on my chest. So many porn images now had men shooting a thick load all over their cocksucker and bottom's face, which was something that would become seriously arousing to me.

I started to think that perhaps my 'just reward' is to routinely take facials from a man as a somewhat degrading, 21st century way to help me accept being the cock slut I first was as a teenager and very much wanted to be again. I figured that was what I now deserved from another man myself if he was turned on by the thought of blowing hot semen into my open mouth and all over my face.

And while I rimmed every girlfriend I had and my wife, things varied widely on how much they were into having my tongue in their anus. Just as the first asshole I ever tasted was that of a guy, I now longed for a man who would sit on my face and command me to put my tongue inside him that way to acknowledge my submission. It would be my duty to lovingly tongue the asshole of my male lover. I also envisioned a partner bending over and commanding me to kneel behind him, put my hands on his cheeks to lovingly spread them and rub my nose and mouth in his crack for a while. When he was ready, he'd tell me to lick his ass to get him hard for my sucking his dick and his fucking me. The first hole I ever put my tongue in after all was not a pussy or even a woman. It happened after my high school friend asked me to lick his ass. Later on, it wouIdn't be so much asking me to as telling me to, just as he'd tell me to suck his cock, because we both understood I should follow his lead and commands. After decades of the only hole I'd put my mouth on was a pussy or woman's anus, very much longed to show another man I would eagerly eat male ass.