How It Ended - Laurence & Ma Duck Ch. 01

Laurence:

The final and in my mind most critical consideration: the question of constancy; this being a polite term for dealing with the issue of being true to one another, both emotionally and physically. I knew I could handle both aspects. I'm an honorable man. I had never cheated on someone. When I was going with Ma Duck in med school, I had plenty of opportunities where college women came on to me. I rejected them all, either politely if the offer was direct, or by acting oblivious if the offer was oblique. And I believed that so long as Ma Duck would be in my life, I could never allow someone else to replace what she and I shared intellectually and spiritually. To me it was that profound, even visceral. And I was certain Ma Duck could be faithful to me in terms of our minds and souls: we were so very attuned to one another from the very moment we met.

As for Ma Duck being virtuous by avoiding other sources of sex, well I thought her character was such that she could. (I had always recognized Zita's strengths, but also her weaknesses. I never felt going forward with her that faithfulness was her strong suit; that is why I sought explicit assurances from her when we began our relationship.) And I surely did not want to look askance at a woman as admirable as Ma Duck because I had had a bad experience with someone else.

There is a line of thought that believes that women do not need sex as much as men; that their sex drive is subdued. I have always believed that the empirical basis for that belief was not evident. Certainly the way so many women dressed seemed to suggest a desire to attract men. And that enticement was not to join a Bible study group, but rather to have sex.

Ma Duck:

So, did I have an agenda for the weekend? Well, sort of, in a general way. First of course I needed to know, for certain, what Quack had in mind. I was fairly sure I knew, of course. I had already learned enough about mankind in general and men in particular to conclude that going to the cost and effort involved in this instance didn't likely mean that the trip was intended to be a mere frivolity. I believed Quack wanted rapprochement between us, a renewed relationship. Hopefully, a real relationship. By that I meant a serious, committed, romantic relationship. I had no more need of a "pal" some 700 miles away (Boston to Farmington Hills, Michigan) than I desired one across the street.

I was prepared to tell Quack how I felt about him. Was I going to use the "L" word? I had no idea. That truly was how I felt, and on paper there should have been no reticence to demonstrate my attitude with clarity. But in practice I was a coward: I didn't know if I should run the risk of making things awkward, as they always are, when one partner professes love and the other responds by hemming and hawing.

But I also felt I could not afford to be coy. Had I told Quack in the weeks prior to our graduation how I felt -- how I downright dreaded a future without him -- maybe things could have been so much better. Perhaps the previous year -- so very unsatisfactory to me, and then, so it suddenly appeared, disappointing to him as well -- might have been avoided. I took the blame for that. I hoped I had learned from my failure in that regard. So if I had to err, I decided, it would be on the side of directness; wearing my heart on my sleeve.

Laurence:

I arranged for a very nice room at the Ritz, arguably Boston's most tony hotel. I did this not to show off -- my income was modest and I really couldn't afford it, even with the deep discount. The reason I did so was because I didn't want Ma Duck to think I had automatic expectations of a physical entanglement between us on this initial occasion. I cared deeply for her, always had, and I didn't want her to think I took her for granted in terms of a sexual agenda on my part. Also, this way we could maintain the appearance of modesty she had no doubt tried to assure her parents would be the standard for the weekend.

Then again, if something did arise between us -- pun intended -- what better place to have a weekend tryst with someone you love and with whom you are trying to revitalize a relationship than a fashionable hotel with room service, great amenities and a spectacular view of Boston?

Ma Duck:

As to sex . . . . (And it always seems to come down to sex, doesn't it?) Well, God knows I was game to experience Quack, my lovely Quack, in bed: in the previous year I had been a compliant sex partner with a scandalous number of base men who I knew had no caring feelings for me and for whom, let me assure you, I had only the very lowest regard. A physical relationship with my unrequited love would seem to be just what the doctor ordered. (Pun intended.)

Laurence:

What to tell her . . . The more I thought about it, the easier it seemed. I'll just tell her honestly how I felt. A novel concept, but I figured if I told her the truth it might, oddly enough, have the ring of truth. I sort of rehearsed it, in a formal way:

"Ms. Duck, from the very first day we met when you gave me the insolent name I allow no one else to use, I have always cared for you. Perhaps I even loved you then, and if not then, nevertheless I certainly do now. There wasn't a day that went by this past year when I haven't thought of you. Even when I was with someone else; this well may mark me as shallow, but all the same there it is.

"I long for us to have a deep relationship, a union between lovers. We are so compatible, so companionable, so comfortable together. I admire your brains, temperament, good nature and character. And your impossibly-large yearning eyes. You invoke wonderment in me. With hard work I figure I could even come to become attracted to you physically. (Ha!! Ha!!) Even with the distance between us, which I don't believe is that formidable an obstacle, I believe we can make it work. How can two people that are smart and resourceful and committed, and in love, fail to make it work?"

Was I worried I might be rejected? No, not at all. First of all, I believed she really did care. And secondly, it didn't matter if I were to be rejected. I had to tell her how I felt. I had to try to make things right between us; better to fail than to wimp out again.

Ma Duck:

I decided I needed to do a bit of shopping prior to the trip; and to attend to some highly personal details. Next morning I made a 4:30 appointment at a nearby salon for a waxing: legs and private parts. I decided to clear the rainforest and leave only a trimmed, well-defined landing strip. That evening at the Orchard Mall, I purchased an ultra-sheer navy see-through blouse; a navy mini-skirt; a navy blazer; a solid one-piece bathing suit cut so high I could never have worn it prior to that afternoon's salon visit; a navy lace push-up demi-bra with matching bikini panty; navy 4-1/4 inch pumps; and for bedtime a camisole set and an audaciously-short sleep shirt. The latter I brazenly intended to wear without panties, for ease of access.

I didn't have a sufficient balance in my checking account to cover my expenditures. That was why God invented MasterCard®, right? I had a balance of less than $50 on my card in the morning. Now it was 12 times higher! I certainly wouldn't be able to pay the next month's balance in full. I guess romance -- or, as in my case, merely the promise of romance -- is good for the economy.

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Laurence too also made a previously-unplanned purchase the day after he and Ma Duck spoke. The item Laurence acquired might be considered unnecessary by many, but he was looking ahead, and hoped that a change in his image would help things along.

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[Next week: Rendezvous in Boston.]