I Did It My Way

I'm a grown man, but I did what I'd always done before when I couldn't get my mind around a problem. I consulted my mom.

She listened to my revelations about Anna. She said, "Let me get this straight. You just discovered that Anna betrayed you about a year ago. You've lived with her for that whole year. Has her attitude or her behavior toward you changed during that time? Did she do anything or act in any way that led you to question her fidelity?"

I answered, "No. I didn't have a clue."

She continued, "How has your love life been?"

I said, "Mom! I can't believe you asked me that!"

She said, "If you want my help, there can be no 'out of bounds' areas."

I said, "Mom, as you well know, sexual intercourse is forbidden for a while after childbirth. During that time, she participated in many other allowed capers without reservation. I didn't see any negative changes in her. If anything, she was more attentive than usual.

"She had marked the calendar to show the day when Dr. Abbott said we could resume sexual intercourse. When that date arrived, she wore me out. She was more amorous than ever."

I went on to tell Mom that I thought it was because Anna didn't have to work anymore. Of course, she was very busy being a mom, but she loved it. Yes, it was a lot of work, but not for her. It was not like her job. She tolerated her job, but she embraced motherhood. She was something to behold.

At that point, my mom said that it was obvious that Anna had not changed in any appreciable way after her infidelity. Mom speculated that it was a "one-off" situation, not an affair. In addition, she believed that Anna regretted it and would never allow it to happen again.

It blew my mind when my mom stated that she was certain that Anna didn't even suspect that David was not my child. She said, "I believe that she took precautions against pregnancy, but they failed. It happens sometimes. Even the morning-after pill has been known to fail."

She ended by saying that she would bet her life that Anna would never stray again.

Mom wanted me to vow that I would not seek a divorce unless there was another incident of adulterous misbehavior by Anna. I would not agree to that, but I did agree to wait and watch for a year.

It was seven months later that I found myself at my mom's bedside as she was dying from cancer of the liver. She whispered, "Son, you are a perfect father. David needs you. Anna has been a perfect wife and mother except for that one incident. Please promise me that you will never break up your family. That you will stay married to Anna at least until David is out on his own."

What could I do? I made that promise.

Now, here I am. David is in college. For all practical purposes, he is on his own. Anna has been treating me with disdain for a while now and she belittles me in some way nearly every day lately.

I looked at the envelopes on the table one last time. Then, as I wiped tears from my eyes, I opened the door and walked away from my house and my marriage. I was finally taking action. My promise to my mom has expired.

The extended stay suite was not sweet. It was clean, but the furniture was worn and the bedspread was threadbare. The place has seen better days. The TV, however, had a surprisingly good picture. I watched the end of a PBS special and then switched to the late news.

I kept putting off going to bed, but I finally gave in. I tossed and turned for what seemed like hours. When I finally nodded off, my phone rang. I reached for it and found myself looking at Anna's picture. Without thinking, I answered her call.

"Hello, Annalise. What do you want now?"

"What's with the 'Annalise?' You never call me that! I much prefer 'honey,' or even 'Anna,' but I'm just glad to hear your voice. I'm so sorry for the things I said to you. It wasn't fair. You are, and have always been, the best father ever to David. Let me admit that you were the biggest influence of anyone, including me, on David's life. He adores you, just as he should.

"I just realized, lying here in bed without you, that it hasn't been just lately. It's been quite a while now that I've been short with you and unappreciative. Yes, I've been selfish too. I was pitying myself about David leaving. I let my anguish cloud my behavior toward everything and everyone else. Unfortunately, most of it landed on you.

"Tonight, here in David's bed, it was like I suddenly came out of a fog. I sat up and cried out. I didn't scream his name, I choked out 'Basil.' I yelled your name!

"I suddenly realized that I've been 'missing in action' from our marriage. It's been ever since our son graduated from high school. I began to dread his upcoming departure and it took over my heart and my mind. It was all I could think about. I shut out everything else, including you! I can't even remember the last time we made love. I haven't been a wife to you! That has to be remedied right now.

"I want to come home. I don't belong here. I should be there with you. I need to make it up to you. I don't want to wake my folks, and since I've already awakened you, will you come get me? I'll sneak out and meet you in the circle drive. Please, Basil. I want to come home. I need to be with you."

That gave me pause. I finally said, "Anna, I'm not at home."

"What? Where are you? You can't be at a bar. It's well past closing time. You're not at home?"

"That's right. I'm not. Go back to sleep, Anna."

"How can I go back to sleep since I haven't been asleep yet? I couldn't sleep knowing what you must think of me after the way I've been treating you. Can't you please come and take me home? Can't you change your plans and stay with me in our house? I need you and I want to make it all up to you. I'm sorry for what I've done. You were right about yesterday. We should have celebrated. "

"Annalise, I won't be home tonight and I won't be home tomorrow. When you get home, you will understand. Just look on the kitchen table. Get some sleep tonight and let me get some too. Going to the house can wait until tomorrow. Get some rest. Goodbye, Annalise."

I found it a little bit easier to fall asleep after hearing those words from my soon-to-be ex-wife. She finally realized a little bit of how much she had hurt me, but she hadn't even scratched the surface. She left out the part about betraying me years ago. The part about me not being David's biological father.

Just after sunup, my phone rang again. It was Anna. I hadn't said a word when she began to talk: "I'm sitting at our kitchen table. I've been here since 3 am. I walked home after I talked to you. I waited to call so I wouldn't interrupt your sleep any more than I've already done. I just can't believe what I've found here." She was crying so hard that I could barely make out her words.

"You're divorcing me without even a word or a question. I guess I understand how you feel now that I know that you raised another man's child for all of these years. Believe me, I would never have asked you to do that, had I known.

"I'm absolutely devastated about it. In my wildest dreams, I never even suspected what these papers prove. I understand how you must feel. If possible, I feel even worse. Part of me wants to just bail out, but that wouldn't be fair to you or our son."

She was barely understandable at that point. She waited, perhaps for me to say something. I remained silent. "Are you still there, Basil?"

"Yes. I'm still here, Anna."

She said, "I would like to yell and scream and tell you how impossibly wrong you are, but I can't do that. As improbable as it might be, these papers prove that it's true. For that reason alone, I will give you your divorce. I won't even take what these papers say I can have. I won't take half of the proceeds from selling the house, half of our joint savings, or any of the other generosities that you have stipulated.

"In exchange, I will ask only one thing of you: just let me tell you exactly what happened between me and Larry Jones. You need to know how and why it occurred. I need to tell you what it led me to do. If, after hearing me out, you still want to be rid of me; I'll make it easy for you.

"Honey, I hope you will agree that we've had a good life together. I thought that everything we had, including our son, was real and genuine. You, on the other hand, have known about my sin and David's genetic parentage for all of these years. Why now, Basil? Why now?"

We continued to talk for a long time. It was the first time in several months that we emptied our hearts and minds to each other. I agreed to let her explain about her tryst with Larry Jones, even though I'd rather be whipped and tortured than hear about her betrayal. She proposed to tell me everything at the selfsame kitchen table where I left the divorce papers. I reluctantly acquiesced.

CH 4

I've loved, I've laughed and cried

I've had my fill, my share of losing

She opened the door and ran out to meet me as I got out of my car. She kissed me on the cheek as she grabbed my hand and held it as we walked up the sidewalk. She didn't let go until we reached the kitchen table. The envelopes were still lying there.

She had made the cinnamon rolls that she knew I loved. The coffee was made from freshly ground beans. I know what they say about the way to a man's heart, but it was going to take more than food and drink to un-break my mine.

She asked me to let her talk without interruption. She vowed to answer any questions that I might have after she finished her revelations. I nodded my head and she began:

So, it started after I got home from the grocery store on a Saturday afternoon. It was the weekend between your first two weeks at the Academy. Anyway, it was a call from your Aunt Shelly that started it. She told me that there was a suspicious car in our driveway. She said it had been there for a few minutes.

I thanked her for the call and told her that I would check it out. As I'm sure you remember, we have every square inch of our property, both outside and inside, covered by cameras. That's only possible because I work for USEC Security Company. Anyway, I went to the camera console and brought up the garage door and front yard cameras.

Indeed, there was a grey or silver car in our driveway. There was a man in the car. There were a few reflections on the windshield so I didn't have a great view, but I didn't recognize him. Shelly was right, he just sat there.

I thought about walking out and asking him what he wanted, but I could see how that might not be a good idea. Maybe I'd be better off calling the cops.

As I was debating with myself, he got out of his car and walked to our front door. I watched him as he stood there for a while before ringing the bell. I finally recognized him. It was your boss, Larry Jones. That scared me.

As I let him in, I began asking if something had happened to you in Oklahoma City. I was afraid that Larry was the bearer of bad tidings. He assured me that there was nothing wrong. He did, however, want to talk to me about your training.

I offered to make some coffee, but he said he would only need a few minutes of my time. He acted nervous. He kept glancing away as he talked. I was completely floored by what he had to say.

What it amounted to was this: he wanted sex from me to ensure that you would pass your certification test. He said he would be administering the test and would have complete control over the results.

I told him that I was born at night, but it wasn't last night. I stated that I'd been around long enough to know that the ARTCC Training Section administered and graded FAA Certification Tests.

He said that my statement was accurate when it came to the annual recertification tests, but not for the computer update certification. He repeated that he would be both giving and grading that test.

I was dumbfounded. I told him that I had read about things similar to what he was pulling on me in some fiction stories. I emphasized that those stories were fictional.

I asked him if this bullshit had ever worked for him. He just ignored me and repeated his demand. He told me that your future was in his hands.

I told him that I still couldn't believe my ears. He was asking me to commit adultery with him to secure your future, which of course meant our future.

I pointed out that there were over 200 male controllers at the ARTCC. I asked if he was going to be contacting that many wives. Would he even be able to administer that many tests, let alone handle that many adulteries?

He told me to just give him an answer. I told him that my answer was for him to get lost.

He handed me his card and said that I should call him when I changed my mind. He intimated that I would soon see the costliness of my decision.

I slammed the door behind him as he left.

I argued with myself as to whether or not to tell you what had happened. I decided to see how it played out. Part of me still thought it could be some sort of a practical joke. I still couldn't believe that he was serious.

When you got home, I asked you if you had received a good score on your training at the Academy. You said that you came out well above the bell curve. You also said that you were anxious to start using the new computer.

It was a couple of weeks later when you called me at work and told me that you had failed to certify. I asked about the test and you confirmed that Larry had administered it and also graded it. You said that it was handled like a performance test. Larry gave you a set of emergency circumstances and graded you on how you handled the situation.

During that after-event review, he reported that you had entered the wrong computer code several times. He stated that you had entered the appropriate codes for the old computer instead of the new codes. He said your actions, at a minimum, would have brought two planes much too close together. At a maximum, your mistakes could have caused a crash.

You were inconsolable. You moped around the house for days on end either on the verge of tears or wiping your eyes. You kept saying that you couldn't believe you had entered the wrong code. You were suffering. I couldn't stand to see you in such pain. I alone, knew the real reason for your sorrow.

I asked you if Larry could have been mistaken about your code errors. You said that it was to his advantage for all of his controllers to certify. You pointed out that if his people failed to certify, it could be a reflection on him. You even asked me what he would have to gain by scoring the codes wrong. I wanted to tell you what he would have to gain, but I bit my lip.

About a week later, you came home smiling. You looked happy for the first time since you failed to certify. You explained that Larry had called an Academy instructor and obtained permission for you to audit the second week of his class.

All of the new computer codes were covered in the second week. You said that Larry was giving you a second chance to certify. You were heaping praise on him that I knew he didn't deserve.

I was certain that he had falsified your coding errors. I knew why, but I couldn't tell you. You were too happy! I couldn't even think of bringing you down. What I ought to do was bring your bastard of a boss down. He richly deserved a bad fate, but he held all of the cards.

Right after you left for your 'second chance' week at the Academy, I decided that I would call the number on Larry's card. It was my chance to make sure that you certified this time. I was afraid that you wouldn't survive another failure.

As it turned out, he called me before I had a chance to call him. I knew that this was my chance to bring him down. I work for a security outfit. I have resources. I vowed to use them. To do so, however, meant that I had to sin. I would be sinning in God's sight and yours.

He wanted to be with me on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday nights. I told him that Thursday was out since I had a previous commitment at work. Friday was out because you might fly home right after class. I said that I was willing to give him one night, but no more. He finally accepted my terms.

The night that I spent with him was the worst one of my life. It was all about him and nothing about me. He didn't even attempt to satisfy anyone but himself.

He was somewhat handsome with his clothes on, but naked didn't look good on him. He was sloppy and flabby. His belly hung down like a partially inflated basketball. His technique was missing in action. He was worse than nothing.

He couldn't hold a candle to you. He did, however, hold your future in his hands. That 's the only reason I allowed myself to endure his dreadful performance. I was unimpressed with him in every way possible.

I used a spermicide before he arrived. I asked him to use a condom, but he refused. I used the spermicide again after he left. On my way to work the next morning, I obtained and used the morning-after regimen. Obviously, I am in that two or three percent of women who have been forsaken by the morning-after pill.

When you got home late Friday evening, I put on my happy face. I had convinced myself that you would never find out about my betrayal. Now I know that 'never' turned out to be less than a year.

So, now you know what happened, but you also need to know the rest of the story. Julie, our camera expert at work, came to our house on the morning of that fateful Wednesday. She configured the cameras to catch all of the action and conversation that would soon ensue.

When Larry arrived, I made sure to have him verbally assure me about what was about to happen. He stated plainly that letting him screw me would guarantee that you would certify successfully. I had his assurance in both audio and video. He failed to do his homework. He should have informed himself about my job. Unlike him, I did my homework. I had a plan.

I knew that Congress was not in session and that Congressman Randolph would be in his local office. As you know, he is the chairman of the Committee on Science and Transportation; so, the FAA is squarely in his bailiwick. As you will remember, I worked on his re-election task force a few months ago.

When I called his office, they remembered me. His secretary was happy to set up an appointment for me.

At that appointment, I presented my evidence. I told him everything that happened and why it happened. He vowed to bring everything to the attention of the proper authorities in the FAA.

He warned me that it might take a long time. It would be scheduled for an internal investigation. In addition, they would delve into the legality issues associated with civil service employee misbehavior. Yes, he warned me that it would not happen overnight. I didn't dream that it would take close to a year!

Before I left, he told me that I needed a lawyer to represent my interests. He said he would set that up for me, and he did.

During the following months and even years, you never gave me any indication that you knew about my adultery. Also, believe me, I had no idea that our son was not yours!

I had sex with Larry only one time. I took every precaution to avoid getting pregnant. I had sex with you almost daily. I longed to have your baby. None of that mattered. Against all odds, he got me pregnant.

I know that what I did was done for your benefit. It was not for him. It was definitely not for me. Regardless, after all of this time, after years of happiness and cluelessness on my part, I'm facing the end of everything that matters. I'm facing the consequences of doing something wrong for the right reason.