I Never Got to Say Goodbye

I'm not sure how long I've been lying in bed. Hours. Days. I know I've been up intermittently but the details of those moments are clouded in a haze of alcohol and grief. I might be missing the rest of the CIT Board meeting, but how can I bring myself to attend? That organization that gave such a positive boost to my life and career; that opened my eyes and my mind to a part of the world that I did not know but have now grown to love; that brought Lisa and me together. How could I drag myself there in this condition. And, when I now see it only as the front for the sinister intentions of Xiao and Jimmy. The contrast between Xiao and Jimmy's self-serving motivation and their blatant disregard for innocent human lives; and Lisa's quiet gentleness, delicate beauty and complete devotion to others; is so stark that I cannot reconcile in my mind the fact that we were all involved in CIT.

In spite of everything Lisa was dealing with there; the verbal and physical abuse she suffered at the hands of Xiao and Jimmy, she never brought any of that up with me. She only cared about me and my own struggles and making me happy. As my trust in her grew, my walls came down and I poured out everything to her. She knew it all; my good intentions and my self-destructive behavior. My kind words and my lies. My loving devotion and my unfaithfulness. She knew everything about me and, in spite of it all, loved me anyways.

On what would be our last night together, we danced slowly and sweetly in my hotel room to some Chinese flute music she had on her playlist. We danced and our hands wandered up and down each other's bodies. As I often did with Lisa, I found myself moving in the gentlest way possible, yet fighting the strong testosterone-fueled urge to make love to her immediately. My hand found its way through her long soft hair to the back of her neck. I gently caressed her noticing every detail of her body there; the delicate hairs on her neck, the smooth soft skin, the tiniest of moles. I found the zipper at the top of the irresistible little black dress she was wearing. Even though we had made love before, I was still afraid of coming on too strong, so I lowered the zipper as slowly as possible, less than an inch at a time. When the zipper stopped at her waist, my hand worked its way inside and caressed her soft warm back.

Lisa's hands were under the back of my t shirt doing the same. When I felt her lifting my shirt up, I raised my hands overhead to allow her to remove it. She went to work on my pants, struggling for a moment as she had to navigate the zipper around the hard, enormous bulge underneath. I slid the dress off her shoulders one at a time and it fell to the floor. We continued dancing this way, in our underwear, until she accidentally tickled me and I burst out laughing. She did also and we tumbled into bed laughing together.

The soft red and blue light in my room was just enough for my eyes to take in her beauty, and my gaze settled on her nipples surrounded by large pale pink areolae; all visible beneath the sheer fabric of her black bra. While I was caressing them delicately with my fingers, Lisa was pulling playfully at the waistband of my underwear until I could wait no longer. In a few seconds, I peeled off her bra and panties, then with one hand, lowered my underwear over and around my penis which by this point had reached its maximum hardness. As it could enlarge no further, it simply pulsed with each heartbeat.

I rolled over on top of Lisa and looked deep into her beautiful dark eyes. Pressing my upper body against hers, I remained still for a long moment as I took in the feeling. Her firm young breasts were pressed against my chest and when i focused and kept just the right distance from her, I could feel her erect nipples brush against my body. The feeling made me dizzy. I let my penis settle into her vaginal area as she fully spread her legs and my head found the moist spot where her legs gently parted. I slowly pressed my way in. Lisa uttered a soft moan of pleasure as I pushed deeper into her vagina, now flowing wildly with her own warm fluid.

When I was fully inside her, I again paused to take in the feeling, but my excitement was increasing so rapidly, I knew I would not last much longer. I moved the hair away from her ear and whispered, "I love you Lisa" a second before my whole genital area explode in a fiercely intense orgasm. I could feel the ejaculation with a force I had never before experienced. Lisa gasped at my violent first contractions, then a smile spread across her face. It seemed like a minute or more passed until my spasms finally and slowly came to an end. She hugged me tight against her as my body went limp. I remained hard, though, and I stayed inside her.

She reached down and grabbed my hips with both hands so I followed her lead and began thrusting in and out very slowly; stopping just short of exiting her before pushing my way back in until our pubic bones met. With only two of these long, slow gentle motions, her body tensed, another soft cry escaped her lips and her vagina contracted tightly around me, throbbing in its own orgasm. More warm moist fluid escaped her until it covered both of us from our waist to our knees as well as a large portion of the bed.

My heart pounded against her naked body and I panted with exhaustion as we melted together and forgot about time. It was the most beautiful moment I had with Lisa; maybe the most beautiful moment of my life. Now only a few nights later, I am facing the grim realization that the beautiful young creature who greeted my on my first visit to China, who retrieved my lost luggage as though it were no big deal, who put her trust in me and kissed me and loved me assertively; and made me feel whole, and alive, and fabulous...she is gone. And I never got to say goodbye.

I try not to picture her in the final moment--as Mick's car was run off the road--but my imagination conjures it up anyway. Back in this moment, I realize that I've been sobbing and hugging one of the lush down pillows on my bed, now wet from the fresh flood of tears. My brain tries to force itself into creating a plan of what to do next, but the sobs devolve into unbridled crying and I have to submit to letting go: of my feelings. Of myself. Of Lisa.