I Thought She Made You Up Ch. 06

I sat, looking my favorite picture of Amy.

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Amy was a wreck. She didn't go to class for a week. Our friends rallied around her. We finally got her to go back by threatening to tell her mother she was going to lose her scholarship.

Even then, she just went through the motions, but it was enough to pass her courses.

We slept together for about a week, just for the comfort of each others arms. Then she told me she would like to sleep alone for a while, and moved into the spare bedroom. I think it was because for all our romps and playing, she never slept in that room with her.

I was hurting too, but I had seen it coming long before Amy, and I had braced myself for it. I cooked her favorite foods, took her to her favorite places, did everything I could. When I realized it was the same foods and places we all experienced together, I took her to new places. CeCe thought museums were boring, so I took her to every museum in the region. We went to street fairs and festivals, something CeCe hated. Nothing worked.

I removed all traces of CeCe from the apartment, all the photos and memorabilia, boxed them up, and put them all in the back of my closet. I put the purple turtles in a black garbage bag. I wanted to throw them out but just couldn't. They went into the closet with everything else.

Nothing worked. One day I came home and she was pulling all her clothes out of the closet and dresser, stacking them neatly.

"Can I use your truck tomorrow?"

"What for?"

"To move. I can't stay here anymore, can't stay with you anymore. Please don't hate me, I just can't, not right now."

I knew it was coming. I had fought the good fight and lost. Actually, I was kind of relieved. We had both loved CeCe more than we did each other, and without her as a binder we drifted.

She moved into an apartment with another girl, reputed to be a lesbian. I don't know if she ever slept with her, never asked. When we had class together we would talk, otherwise we went our separate ways.

I started spending more time at the Black Dog, and one night out of boredom, drunkenness, and stupidity I bedded the waitress we met the first night we were there.

We were banging away when I realized what I was doing, and that it wasn't what I wanted. It was just sex, and not very good sex. We finished, but I think she sensed I had lost interest. She was a little pissed.

There was no cuddling. She rolled away from me, angrily.

"I thought you were better at this, guess you can't live up to your reputation." She said cattily.

"Well, I thought you would be tighter and actually show some enthusiasm. We all have to learn to deal with life's little disappointments.

Lock the door on the way out, would you?"

I ordered bottles after that, afraid she would spit in the draft.

So for weeks I went to class, tutored, and went to the bars. I would talk to Amy, and the conversations became longer. She mentioned she missed my cooking, so I brought her home and fed her, making her favorite dish. She ate liked she was starving, and took the rest with her.

"Damn girl, don't you cook anymore?"

"No, the stove is broke at the apartment, and I think Charlene is allergic to real food."

Charlene was her new roommate.

"Well, if you get hungry, come by. Still got your key?"

She nodded. "I never thought about returning it, I'll give it back now."

I stopped her. "Keep it. You might decide to come home one day and need it."

Damn, that slipped out before I thought. But it must have made her happy, because she gave me her first real smile since CeCe left. A big hug, a kiss on my cheek, and she was gone.

Two weeks later I came home from class to find her sitting on the couch, hugging her knees. It looked like she had been crying.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"Do me a favor?"

"If I can."

"Take me for a ride?"

"Bundle up."

It was getting colder, riding season was almost over. I took her on the roads I knew she liked.

I took her on the interstate, opening up, she loved to go fast. We got home just before dark.

I had homemade chicken soup. I always made a big pot, still wasn't used to cooking for one. I put it on the stove to simmer and sliced some french bread for toast. We ate in silence, lost in our own thoughts.

I was clearing the dishes when I heard it.

"Can I come home?"

"I didn't turn around, kept rinsing.

"Yes."

"When?"

"Is tonight too soon?"

"No."

I heard the door slam, then knocking. She had locked herself out. When I opened the door, she was dragging a tremendous suitcase.

I pulled it inside.

"Which bedroom?"

"Ours."

We got ready for bed quietly. She was in the bed before me, and turned down the covers. I slipped in and wrapped her in my arms.

It started slowly, a sniffle, then a sob, but then she was crying violently, wails of anguish, screams of pain. I just held and comforted her as best I could. She finally wound down to hiccups and snorts.

"I love you" she sighed, drifting off to sleep. She slept ten hours, until the coffee woke her, as usual.

Tentative. Cautious. We rediscovered each other, mentally and physically. Learned new things we never knew about each other. Fell in love. More in love, actually.

She started nesting, redecorating the apartment, making it ours alone. I knew what she was doing and approved, helping as often as I could, giving an honest opinion when she asked.

I had her ring, she had given it back when she moved out. I had CeCes' too, well hidden. One night, six months later, I slipped it on her finger while she slept.

She didn't even noticed until she reached for the coffee pot. She stopped, hand outstretched. She held it up to her lips, kissed it, and gave me a smile that would light up the deepest dungeons of hell. At that moment I knew, with no doubt whatsoever, that my life would never be complete without her in it.

I took her hand and also kissed the ring.

Holding it tightly I said "Amy, I need to ask you a question. A serious question."

She looked uncertain but said "You know you can ask me anything, love. What is it?"

"Do you think you could be happy married to a teacher? You know I would never make big money, but I would love you--"

That's all I got out before she launched herself across the table, scattering pancakes and scrambled eggs all over the kitchen. It took forever to clean up. Down on the floor between the sobs and the kisses, I'm pretty sure I heard a "yes" in there somewhere.

So that was how we got engaged. Over breakfast on a Tuesday morning, her in my tee, and me in boxers. I really am a romantic devil, huh?

After we cleaned up the mess she ran me out of the house.

"Go to school, I've got some things to do, looks like I'm gonna miss my first class."

"What's so important that you have to miss class?"

She gave me that patented, universal woman face that screamed MEN REALLY ARE IDIOTS, and said "I've got a wedding to plan. I have to call my mother. I have to call your mother. I have to call Barb. Now go!"

All three mothers[yes, Amy thought of Barb as a second mother now]converged on us that weekend.

Plans were made, details discussed. I tried to contribute but got shut down pretty fast.

"Do I get any say at all in this?"

Four female voices responded as one. "NO!"

Then Barb smiled and said "Now ladies, you know that's not strictly true. He does get to say 'I do'."

She patted my hand. "Run along, Jimmy, we've got this."

I did what any good general does when he finds himself outnumbered, outgunned, and at a tactical disadvantage. I quit the field, taking Barbs' husband Don and introducing him to the Black Dog.

I've often wondered since then how women manage to manufacture the illusion that men are actually in charge of anything.

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I got there early, and saw her pull up through the window. A Mercedes station wagon. Some things never change. Even with the extra weight she was still a beautiful woman.

I stood, seated her. We stared at each other. She started to speak but I stopped her.

"Let's have lunch first, I'm starved."

We ate a light lunch, then went back to my office. I realized the conversation was going to be long and would require privacy.

One of the perks of being department head is you get the big office. Ce wandered about, looking at the clutter of a lifetime in education. My diplomas, master in literature, PhD in secondary education. Awards for academic excellence, certificates of appreciation from various social organizations for work I had done on their behalf, writing awards, a copy of the New York Times when my book made the best seller list, a photo of Oprah with a note thanking me for my autographed copy, pictures of Amy and my children.

"How did all this happen?"

"Amy says it's because I went to college and never came back. When we graduated, we both sent resumes out to all the local school systems because we wanted to stay in this area. The dean at the time encouraged me to apply for a grant to pursue my Masters, and I got it. After that, again thanks to my mentors, I was able to get my PhD. When I finished, I was offered an associate professorship. I managed to navigate through the infighting and office politics until I got tenure. Then it seemed every few years I would get kicked upstairs until I got to where I am now. The only place left to kick me to is the curb, and that hasn't happened yet.

Amy got a position at the school she had interned at, and for six years she was our main support.

She continued her education part time, getting her masters in primary education. After I landed my position, she left the school system and completed her PhD. Now we're known as the Doctors Wilson. She returned and like me, rose through the ranks.

This is her first year as principal of the local middle school. That was her goal, to be principal. She's eligible for retirement next year, and says she thinking about it. We managed to have a family despite our continuing educations, and that's where we are now."

"Wow" she said. she was standing in front of a picture of my son in his military uniform.

"You told me last night your daughter is in school here, is your son still in the military? Where is he stationed?"

"Arlington."

She could see the pain in my face.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I still remember when he got appointed to West Point, he was so excited. Graduated tenth in a class of two hundred thirty. Did one tour in Iraq, got wounded, rotated back for a year, then started a second tour. His Humvee hit a roadside bomb. He didn't die instantly, he made it back to the states. He died at Walter Reid, but he did manage to say goodbye."

Tears were streaming down her cheeks.

"I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what it must have been like for Amy."

"It was hard on her, very hard. My mom was still alive then, she and Barb came up and stayed with us for awhile. It helped, a little."

"I didn't know your mother passed, I'm sorry."

"She lived a full life. Had nine grand children.

Four grandsons and two granddaughters carried her casket."

"Now, CeCe, tell me your life story. I know who you married, H. Harrison Truman. Want to know how I know? Two days after we got your note I got a letter with nothing in it except a newspaper clipping. It was an announcement of your engagement, dated three weeks before. I guess you father sent it. I never let Amy see it."

She had her hands to her mouth.

"What must you have thought of me back then."

"I was angry, very, very, angry. Looking back, it was probably for the best. Three way relationships usually always fail. College really isn't a good place for real world thinking. We would probably have gone our separate ways eventually."

She nodded, agreeing.

"I'm sure you're right. But I cheated all of us by not having the courage to try. You know my dad hated you, want to know why? Because you were never impressed with him. His money meant nothing to you, all you wanted from him was me. Just me, not me and his money. He always felt like you were laughing at him, so he made it his goal in life to separate us. All the business functions he insisted I attend? It was his way of introducing me to what he considered suitable mates, men he could control. And I fell for it."

"Harry worked for the law firm my dad used. He was the only son of the principal partner. He was everything you weren't. Clean cut, eager to please, easy to control. Never had an original thought hid whole life, parroting whatever my dad and his dad said. It was a match made in heaven for both our families."

"And I went along with it to please my dad. I was always his little girl, the princess who shouldn't be sullied by association with the masses. You know how spoiled I was, how it was all about me. And with Harry, before we got married, he kept me on that pedestal."

"But Jimmy, one of the main reasons I left was because I was afraid of you. Not physically, I knew you would never hurt me. Well, not unless I wanted it. Still got those paddles?"

When Amy got her 'toy box', it was awhile before she shared it with CeCe. Amy didn't like pain, so she didn't bring out the paddles. But Ce saw them and became obsessed, so one night, after a few drinks, Amy put Ce in restraints, and wore her bottom out. She loved it. It became part of their routine. I smiled, remembering the first time Amy dragged me into one of their sessions and made me watch. After she was done she insisted we both rub lotion on her red bottom, and kiss it to make it better. We left her in the restraints all night, and between me and Amys' toys had her screaming with pleasure for hours.

"I was afraid of you because you were the one man I could never really control. Oh, you were nice, and you put up with a lot because you loved me, but there was a line you would never cross. With Harry, I was in control. If I wanted sex I told him, and I didn't he never made a fuss about it.

You would sometimes come home, take my arm, and take me to the bedroom. Sometimes you just took me where I was. I loved it, but my surrender scared me."

"But, you know, the sex I could deal with. It was real life that got me. You would put up with a lot personally, but if I was mean to Amy, or slighted anyone, or tried to use my father or our money to intimidate someone, you were all over me.

No slack at all. I knew you were right, but I resented it."

"With Harry, if I said this needs to happened, it happened. The only times I ever lost was when we moved to Florida, and I had to have my tattoo removed, and my dad was behind both. I think any closer to you made him nervous. And he nearly had a stroke when Harry told him about the tattoo."

The tattoo. Probably the wildest thing I ever talked her into. One of Amy's friends was an art major, and worked at a tattoo parlor. Amy was looking for a permanent symbol of love we could share, and she designed it for us. It was a large "C" with an "A" inset, and a "J" hooked into the cross bar of the "A", dangling below.

Amy said the intertwining of the letters symbolized the the intertwining of our love. Mine was on my left shoulder, theirs were on the left butt cheek, placed where the only way they would be seen was if they were naked. They both promised I would be the only one who would ever see them.

"So, he erased all evidence of the wild child."

I took my suit coat off and unbuttoned my shirt, pulling my left sleeve down so she could see mine.

"Bit faded, but still there. Amy still has hers too. Barbie Jo saw it when she was about sixteen, and had to adjust the cool rating for her mom."

"Barbie Jo?"

"Barbara Joanne Wilson. Amy wanted to honor two women that had such an impact on our lives. You know she still has the old Thunderbird? We traded it off twenty years ago, and when the money from the book came in, I tracked it down to a junkyard.

"Cost me ten times what it sold for new to restore it. I gave it to her for her forty ninth birthday. J.J.,[James Junior] was home on leave, and he, Barbie, and I got up early and hid in the garage. I turned the coffeepot on, she still wakes when she smells it. When she finally noticed we were all gone, she checked to see if my car was there, thinking maybe we had gone to breakfast. Barbie had a camcorder and we got it all on tape. Didn't work out like we planned, though, she fainted. We got her up and she cried all day. Triggered too many memories."

"When she stopped crying she insisted we all go for a ride. It was early April but the top had to be down. She nearly froze us to death. She fussed at me for wasting the money, but I told her a hot blond in a convertible was every mans dream, too bad she didn't have a bikini on. That night she called me on my cell and asked me if I could give her a hand in the garage, she was having trouble getting the top down. When I got out there, the top was already down. I didn't see her so I called her back."

"Where are you? I'm in the garage and the top is already down."

She popped up from behind the car in a bikini, even at her age she looks hot.

"Silly man, I meant this top."

"We christened the upholstery. I never heard another complaint about the cost."

CeCe was smiling.

"I wish I had been there. We could have christened it together."

It hit her what she had said and she turned red.

I laughed.

"No you wouldn't have. Remember, you refused to get in the backseat. Out of curiosity, have you had a female lover since Amy?"

Still glowing red, she shook her head.

"None since her. I remember one night right before Harry and I split, we were getting amorous and something triggered a memory of us. I had drank almost a whole bottle of wine, and I tried to picture Harry with me and Amy. I laughed so hard I threw him off. He got pissed, especially when I wouldn't tell him why I was laughing. It killed the mood, needless to say."

"I don't miss sex with a woman. I miss sex with Amy. I never touched anyone but Harry while we were married. We never had the passion I had with you two, but I was comfortable. We had four children. The two oldest boys are married, I'm actually a grandmother. My girl is here now, and my youngest boy is in prep school in Virginia.

My nest is empty, Looney. It wasn't a bad life. but over the years I would think of you and Amy and what could have been, and cry my eyes out."

Another awkward silence.

"Enough about that. You said Amy had some difficulties recently? Is she all right now?"

"She's much better now. It was work, we almost didn't make it. We actually separated for a bit."

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"It started just before J.J. died. She became moody, erratic, she had a hard time concentrating.

She couldn't stand to have me touch her. She started sleeping in his old room.

After we were back together we found it was early onset menopause. And, she suffered from depression, something the doctors said went all the way back to when you left and she went into the funk that resulted in her leaving me. Then, when we lost J.J., she started coming unraveled."

"She became convinced I was cheating. She became physical, borderline abusive to me. She never touched Barbie though. But she stopped having friends over because she was afraid. Afraid mom would go into a tirade. It got so bad Barbie spent the summer with Barb. I was glad she was gone when it all came to a head."

"I was working part time at the Black Dog. Amy was out of school for the summer and I had taken off to be with her. I took the job basically just to get out of the house. I had to throw a drunk out, and that night he and two of his buddies jumped me. I guess I had gotten slower with age because they beat the hell out of me. I had a cracked jaw and a dislocated shoulder. I spent all night in the emergency room. I called, my friends called, the cops called, but she never picked up. I got home at six. She wasn't there."