I Want to Fuck Your Wife

"I Want To Fuck Your Wife"

Now isn't that an interesting thing to hear from the guy standing at the next urinal! So many possible responses ran through my mind. But I hold my cards close to my best at whatever I do. I don't want my opponents getting a sneak peek at my plan, or as was currently the case, my lack thereof. Seriously, who gobsmacks a guy while he is peeing? Is all etiquette gone from this world?

The answer is clearly "no," as I demonstrated by not even looking at him. Why not? Well in one respect if I looked him in the eye, he could conceivably read mine, so no. The only other reason I would look his way, as we both stood there making room for the "next round," just wasn't the way I prefer to measure an opponent.

Time to play my hand. Shake, tuck, zip, turn, and go with a straight flush. I headed to the sinks to police my hands and wouldn't you know, he followed me.

"I said I want to fuck your wife."

"Good to know."

"You don't believe me."

"Join the club! My wife is gorgeous. Everyone wants to fuck my wife. Let's just say I think your chances are slim."

"I have lunch with her every Tuesday."

"Ah, yes. Her Tuesday treat. You take her to her favorite restaurant."

"You know that?"

"I do. She tells me you always pick up the check. That's very generous of you, tres galante."

"Of course. The man always pays."

"Well, I appreciate your manners, and thanks for saving me the money for her lunches, and for satisfying her hunger for Thai food. It's not my favorite, and since you've been taking her there, I haven't had to. Now if you'll excuse me."

I headed to the bar. He followed me. This was getting annoying.

"I'm telling you, I've been softening her up. She really likes me I can tell."

"Yeah, the way she twirls her hair when she's talking to you? The way she hold your eye when you look at her?"

He nodded, but he seemed a little surprised that I was describing her actions so clearly. Poor guy, he didn't know what he was getting into.

"Maybe she was leading you on."

His armor cracked a bit. He didn't seem quite so sure. However he rallied.

"You can talk all day if you want, but let me tell you how this is going to go. When your wife arrives, she's going to join you at your table. Then with her first sip of the wine, I'll be there. I'm going to take her from you. She will dance with me, and then she will leave with me. Then I will take her home, and fuck her."

"It will cost you."

I took a sip of my bourbon. I was really in no hurry. My wife was nothing if not habitually prompt. She would arrive early if not on time. It was one of the things I loved about her, and counted on.

"You see my wife and I have a very close relationship. If one of us gives something extraordinary, the other gives something equivalent. One of us cooks, the other cleans up. One of us rakes leaves, the other bags. One of us gets a foot rub, the other gets a back rub. And when one of us gets short changed in some way, the other makes up for it, but makes sure everyone involved in the 'short changing' pays up too.

"For example, last year, my boss needed me to work over our anniversary weekend. We had planned a trip to Tahoe for two weeks. Instead of the week we planned, I took her for two, I also insisted my boss pay the tab for first class upgrades. I made the celebration twice as enjoyable to compensate her disappointment, and my boss not only enhanced the experience, but he also learned to plan better for things that required my efforts."

"So for taking her from me at our dinner, dancing with her, and taking her home to fuck, we will start with you paying for my evening. Dinner, wine, cocktails, tip for us both will run say...$250."

I knew the bartender well, as this was my favorite haunt, and he had been discreetly listening to us. I gestured to him, and he quickly moved to ring up the tab. My nemesis was a little concerned. This wasn't quite what he expected.

"Next you'll need to reimburse me the car service. I hired a town car so we could enjoy a different wine with each course, so neither of us will be driving. The tab is $150, so your share is $75. She'll pay me the rest later."

"You want me to give you $75 more?"

"I assure you, you don't have a snowball's chance in hell if you don't respect our traditions and practices."

He reluctantly peeled off four twenties and set em on the bar.

"You owe me five."

"I don't make change. Tell her she owes you an extra hump, if it gets that far."

"If it gets that far? What the hell! I just gave you three hundred bucks, she damned well better fuck me now."

What an ass. But the hook was set. I might as well reel him in.

"Oh no you didn't! You just insinuated my wife is a prostitute. You did not pay to have sex with her. You have merely compensated me for what your interruption of our evening will cost me. If you were paying for her priceless company, you'd need to take out a sizable loan. Real estate will be required. Maybe gold boil lion. You have not begun to achieve your goal. Oh and your math sucks, you gave me three twenty five. Now about that dance. She will, no doubt dance with me tomorrow night, to replace what I missed. However you owe me the same consideration. Let's dance."

"I don't dance with guys."

"Then we dance in the old western way. Let's step outside."

"What, you're going to shoot me? We're going to duel? Isn't that a high noon kind of thing?"

"No guns. Just fists. Mano a Mano. You'll be dancing with her for quite a while. But let's us just go for a five minute round. Bare fists, or gloves?"

"You're serious."

"As a crutch. But I promise I don't hit under the belt, so you'll be good for the last phase of your evening. A good fight makes my wife really horny, so she will pamper the hell out of your face, and any body bruises. If she doesn't she won't get her jollies, so you'll be sore, but good. Ok, let's get this over with. We only have a half an hour."

"I thought you said five minutes."

"Well you know, we're not outside yet. And we'll have to allow time for some betting."

"Betting?"

"Yeah. The regulars here are used to settling disagreements this way. So they kind of gather to watch, and some wagering is part of the deal. It also ensures that both parties consent to the match, and that the fight will be stopped before there is any permanent damage. It's very civilized, Marquis of Queensbury rules and all that."

"But a half hour?"

"Well, maybe more, but I'll try to be quick."

"Quick with what?"

"Well, you will also be taking my wife for sex. You'll have to work really hard to make sure she gets as good as I give. It'll be tough, because I usually dance until someone stops me. Fair warning, block my right hook, or it will destroy the left side of your jaw. But then the dance phase will be done. Then you'll owe me for the fuck."

"I am not giving you another fucking dime!"

"Right! You aren't giving me a dime! But you will owe a fucking, and since you have nothing like the pussy you will be taking from me, your ass will have to do. I'm a little older, so once a night is enough for me. If you use her more than that, I'll have to come over to your place every night this week until we're square."

"You arrogant prick. You think I am going to let you beat me to a pulp, they you're going to fuck me before I take your wife from you. And then you're going to continue to to screw me every night this week? Who the hell do you think you're talking to?"

"Hi dear," my lovely wife said as she slid up onto the stool on the other side of me. "I see you've met my lunch buddy! Have you already explained how we do this?"

"I have. He has already reimbursed my costs."

"Car too?"

"Car too. I didn't give him change, so you owe him an extra hump."

"I'll give him two if you give me ten later."

"Deal."

"Did he say we're dancing?"

"He did. We were just about to step outside."

"Can I watch?"

"Who ARE you people?"

He looked straight at my wife as he broke into our banter. I sipped my bourbon and let my wife take over the honor of straightening out the interloper.

"You actually knew about this craziness when you were sharing lunches with me?

"Yes! We make sure each other is always treated with equal care. We used to take it so far as to tell each other how much we spent on gifts so we could keep that even, but then we decided a loving thought is worth a loving thought in return, and that was more important than the dollar value."

"And you know about the fight thing."

"We only do that for lost dances during an attempted seduction."

"I'm not worried about the fight. I can handle myself. What about the sex thing? Your husband is gay!"

"Actually my husband has had bisexual tendencies for years, but I can assure you, since we've been together he has been entirely monogamous, so the whole gay thing has yet to happen."

"But he said..."

"Yes he did, but it has never gotten that far. We haven't ever gotten past the dance stage. And watch for his right hook. It comes from lower than you would expect. It's very quick and very hard to see."

At this point the bartender broke in.

"It's brutal. I've only seen it four or five times, but it was an instant KO for all but one. Your jaw will be sore, but he doesn't seem to be angry enough at you to break it."

"He always wins?"

"Every time I've seen him. Most guys don't get that far. You'll see if he takes off his shirt."

"Ooooo...it's my favorite part," cood my wife. "Baby you look so hot."

The guy just didn't give up.

"C'mon old man. Let's dance."

"You really want this? Even knowing what happens next should you succeed?"

"I told you. I'm going to fuck your wife."

"You approached me at the urinals in a restaurant bathroom with a wild assed claim you were somehow going to fuck my wife. While you were there, did you break etiquette enough to look at my cock?"

He blushed. He blushed deeply. He hadn't noticed but there were other regulars that had gathered around to see what the latest attempt on my gorgeous wife would yield. They snickered at his blushed response to my question.

"If you looked, why would you think my wife would need more?"

"I'm younger."

"Which is synonymous with inexperienced."

"I have plenty of experience!"

"Slut!" It was my wife broke into the patter. "The only experience that counts is experience that has taught my lover how to love me. I have very specific buttons that need pushing, and you don't have a clue what they might be."

"Tell me! I'll do anything. I know you'll never forget a night with me."

"Having to teach you is not exactly a benefit you know, and a night I'll never forget could be a bad thing as easily as good."

It was time to end this. The posturing was idiotic, but what do you expect from anything that starts at a urinal!

"Ok, let's go then."

I skulled my bourbon and headed for the door behind the bar. The regulars followed, and gathered in a circle just outside the door. He slithered out the door to join us.

"Let's make this clear. You've been an incredible inconvenience tonight. While I appreciate the compensation, I am disturbed the message hasn't reached your brain. So now we are here, if you take a step back towards the door, you may leave untouched. If you step toward me, I will hit you once. It will be a right hook. It will come from a low angle, as you've heard. You will go down hard, and it may break your jaw. When your head clears afterwards, if you still want to fuck my wife, we will both drop trou and I will have my way with you, and then go home. The rest will be between you and her. Understood?"

He nodded his understanding. Then he bum rushed me. Then he spun backwards into the arms of the regulars, who began cheering for the guy who had bet on three successful steps in the rush to get close enough for me to hit him. The odds were on the first step, but give a guy credit, he was fast!

He never really blacked out, but he was pretty woozy for a while. When he was strong enough, the regulars helped him into a chair.

"How's your jaw?"

"Sore. But I don't think you broke it."

"Nah, neither do I. I pulled my punch. So, who am I fucking tonight, you or my wife?"

"Oh no man, I've had enough."

"Ok, you owe me an additional two hundred."

"What the fuck! Why?"

"Hundred dollars for hurting my hand. Jaws aren't soft you know."

''You didn't have to hit my jaw!"

"But I promised you, so yes I did, and you owe me damages."

"Then you owe me for hurting my jaw!"

"No. That was your choice."

"Then what is the other hundred for?"

"You don't want to fuck my wife. If you had I would have gotten to have anal sex, which she doesn't do. I really don't mind, because she is amazing in bed. But still, you cost me the experience. Or you can let me hit you again for a hundred dollars a pop. I'd like to see what my left can do to human ribs, so a shot on each side would give me some feedback."

"No, I've had quite enough, thank you. But I'm a little short on cash."

I gave him my Venmo. An ice pack materialized from somewhere, and a round of whiskey courtesy of the winner of the pool. He dragged himself to his feet, and someone called him a taxi.

"Listen, if I don't stay for dinner, can I get that money back?"

The round of laughter was his answer. I joined my wife at our table.

"Well my love, dinner is on your lunch buddy tonight."

"To my lunch buddy, and your punch buddy!"

"So, do you think you'll continue have lunch with him?"

"No dear. I'm afraid I've lost my Tuesday lunch companion. Now you owe me, you know. You can meet me at Bangkok Gardens on Tuesday at noon."

Oh crap. Thai food.