If You Could Do It Again... Ch. 01-02

"It's..... incredible. It's different for each person and it's different for each person with every different person they love."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"The person you love.... how does it feel with them?"

`Oh shit,' Paul thought. `This could get tricky'.

"I want to be with them all the time. I want to talk with them all the time about everything. When they're not with me I still feel like they are, like I carry them around in my heart. I feel like they're the only person who sees me," Paul spoke while looking into Dylan's eyes. "and I feel like I'm a better person when I'm with them. I want to be a better man for them. I want to be everything they need." Paul took a shaky breath and let it out after he was done speaking.

"Wow. That's a lot of feeling." Dylan said and Paul chuckled to himself.

`Fucking teenagers don't know shit.'

"It is but it's the best feeling in the world."

"So who is it?" Dylan asked with a smile on his face.

"Oh no. I'm not telling."

"Come on! We're buddies. Spill it. Who you got the hots for?"

"I can't tell you this one, Dylan."

"I bet I know her. It's not Erica, is it?" He asked and scrunched up his nose. "I mean, she's nice and all but she's a tramp."

"No, it's not Erica."

"Oh you got some new blood, huh? Well, good for you. She better treat you right, especially after all that nice shit you've said about her."

"Yeah, well. Here's hoping."

"Hey, Paul." Paul looked over to see Dylan watching him with a serious expression on his face. "You're life's not been... easy. I don't mean to offend you but I'd say it's been pretty much shit."

"Now THAT's gospel." Paul said agreed.

"I'm happy for you. I'm happy that you found someone to make you happy and I hope to God she does."

`How could anyone not love Dylan?', Paul thought.

"Dylan, I need to tell you something." He started.

"Enough with the sappy shit though." Dylan said and stood before leaping into the water again.

Some water from the pond splashed up and hit Paul in his face. It was cold and brought him to his senses before he had done something really stupid like admit his love for Dylan. This is what he was here to do, though. He was here to tell Dylan that he loved him, even if it was just a stupid dream. A stupid, amazingly realistic dream. Paul decided that now must have not been the right time and jumped into the pond after Dylan.

They swam for another two hours as the sun made it's way across the sky. It must have been about six o'clock when Dylan finally mentioned heading home. With the spring sun still setting early, he would just be able to make it home before dark. Paul felt disappointed that his time with Dylan had come to an end.

"I bet your parents want you home before dark too, huh?" Dylan asked as he picked up his towel and a bag that had been lying next to it.

"No. My pa's been up at his still today. He's going to come home drunk. It's better that I not be there." Paul answered.

"So, what are you going to do?"

"I guess, I'll stay here. It should be warm enough to sleep through the night. I'll make a fire later if I get cold."

"You're going to stay up here alone?" Dylan seemed astonished.

"Yeah. I grew up on this mountain. I think I can handle a night alone by myself."

"Well, shit. I feel bad leaving you."

"Don't worry about it. Your parents would read you the riot act if you weren't home for dinner. Mine are happy that I'm not going to be home for dinner. More for them." Paul said as he sat down on a rock. "I'll be fine."

"You haven't eaten?" Dylan said and Paul's stomach rumbled with hunger.

"I had a little bit of Mrs. Welch's charity earlier. It left a bad taste in my mouth but it was something."

"Yeah, Mrs. Welch can be a nasty bitch, can't she?" Dylan said and sat down next to Paul.

"What are you doing?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, why are you still here? You should be heading home."

"Geez, you'd think a man would be a little more grateful for the food and company." Dylan said and tossed the bag he was holding at Paul. It contained eight sandwiches, four apples, half a package of chips ahoy cookies and a couple bottles of Coke.

"Jesus! There's enough to feed.... oh yeah." Paul said as he remembered Dylan's friends who were here earlier.

"Hey, their loss. Give me a ham and cheese sandwich."

They ate in silence as the sun sank lower on the horizon. Just as it began to dip below the trees, Paul had a feeling of guilt.

"I know it's a bit late for this but are you sure you want to stay here? Your parents are going to give you hell tomorrow."

"I know." Dylan said and glanced back at Paul as he took a bite of his sandwich. "I'm sure."

The two smiled at each other and sat eating in a comfortable silence.

They lit a fire at twilight but kept it low enough to just cast light rather than heat. The night had cooled only slightly but brought with it a refreshing breeze to relieve them of the day's sweltering temperature. They shared the cookies and Paul let Dylan led the conversation.

"I love Chips Ahoy cookies!" Paul said, shoving one into his mouth.

"You gotta love 'em. They're perfect. Even better than my mom's!" Dylan agreed and sighed as he laid back to look up at the stars.

"So it's gonna be graduation soon. Finally time we're free!" Dylan smiled with excitement. Paul shook his head with a little regret at the trials he knew still faced his eighteen year old self.

"Are you going to graduate?" Dylan asked.

"No. I failed too many classes."

"That's cool, man. School's not for everybody. Maybe you could join the army or something."

"I think I'm going to head to New York. Maybe I can figure out something from there. Get another chance at school."

"New York, huh?" Dylan looked impressed. "That's cool! I'm hoping to get into Duke University down in North Carolina. I haven't heard from them either way."

"You'll make it." Paul said with certainty. "I'm sure of it."

"Thanks man. I hope so. It's kinda been a dream. I drove down to Onteora High School with my dad to talk to one of their reps who was in the area. The brochure was awesome! My dad's brother went there too and he said he'd write me a letter, you know as an alumni."

"Alumnus." Paul said, not thinking.

"What?"

"Alumnus. Alumnus is one former student, alumni are many former students."

"How did you fail your classes?" Dylan asked, again impressed with Paul's new change.

"Being stupid. I didn't pay attention. It was my fault."

"Yeah, well it's a shame. I bet you could have gotten into college easy! Maybe even with a scholarship. As it is, my dad's gonna have to take out loans for me to go."

"What is it that you want to do?" Paul asked, and realized he never knew before.

"I don't know." Dylan laughed. "I just know that I want to go to Duke University. Kinda dumb, huh?"

"No. You'll figure it out when you get there."

"Hopefully. I'd like to do something where I could make some money. Seeing my parents struggle with bills and stuff hasn't been easy."

"No." Paul agreed, though thought of his own parents situation and thought that would have been a hundred times preferable.

"Makes me kinda wonder if I'm going to be able to support a wife and kids when I grow up." Dylan said and Paul frowned at the idea of his love with a wife and kids. "You ever gonna get married?"

"No." Paul said, again with certainty.

"Why not?"

"It's just not for me."

"Even with that girl you were talking about before?"

"Dylan, I have to tell you something." Paul took a steadying breath before continuing. "There is no girl."

"Oh, you were just bullshitting me? Dude, you don't have to do that. What, are you a virgin?"

Paul realized that at this point in time he was a virgin, never having found someone who was interested in the same sort of sex he was.

"Yeah, actually I am but that's not what I was talking about. I am in love with someone, very much, just not a girl." Dylan didn't say anything.

"I'm gay, Dylan."

"Oh shit. Really?"

"Yeah."

"Oh wow. Um... ok." Dylan thought about it for a minute. "So you like sex with men?"

"Yeah. I mean, I will. I mean, I don't know yet cause I'm a virgin but I'm sure that when the time comes I will." Paul shook his head. This was becoming a very complex dream.

"That's weird, dude. I never would have thought you would be....gay."

"You say `gay' like it's a bad thing. It's not. It's just a different way." Paul sighed. "Dylan, there will come a time when most people think it's okay to be gay. That it's just another way to be and that it's just another expression of love."

"Is it love?" Dylan asked.

"Oh, seriously?!" Paul sighed. "What's that? More bible shit? Look, the bible was never meant to be taken literally or even seriously. It's a historical document which tells the story of a particular peoples rise into a society. It only tells of their own primitive identity and should not be taken as the word of God. I mean, if you came to know God from the bible you'd have to know him as a sadistic and egotistical megalomaniac with dissociative identity disorder."

Paul was surprised that he could quote Todd's usual rant verbatim, course he had heard it enough times over the years. There was a pause as Dylan took in what Paul had said.

"What?"

"The bible is just a story and love can't be defined as something which only happens between a man and a woman. It's bigger than that."

"So, you're in love with a guy." Dylan asked.

"Yeah, I am." Paul answered honestly and prayed the object of his affection wouldn't ask the obvious question.

"Who?" But he did.

"Don't ask me that, Dylan." Paul pleaded.

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Who are you in love with? Just tell me."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Because isn't an answer." Dylan said with a bit of strength behind his voice. "What man are you in love with, Paul?"

"I'm in love with you, Dylan." Paul said simply.

Dylan remained silent for a good many minutes as he let what he was just told sink in. Paul felt a trembling run through his body and he named it for the fear that it was. He stood at a crossroads with one path leading toward acceptance and the other leading toward rejection. `But how could he be rejected?' Paul thought. He'd come all this way, done all of this again, only to be turned down or even scoffed at?

"How long?" Dylan finally asked.

"Seems like years." Paul answered. "I think the first time I admitted it to myself was today though."

"What do you expect me to do about it?"

"I don't know. I can only tell you how I feel. How do you feel about it?"

"I don't know. Weird, I guess. I've never had a man tell me he loves me before except my dad and that stopped when I was ten." Dylan said.

"I'm pretty sure your dad meant it in a totally different way than I do." Paul added.

"Yeah."

"Do you-." Paul didn't even know what or how to ask for what he wanted. "Do you think you could love me back?"

"I guess I love you as a friend. I don't know how I would love a man.... as a man though."

"Do you think you could try?" Paul whispered and gazed as Dylan in the flickering fire light. Paul still trembled but it was from something entirely different to the fear he had felt. It was excitement and desire which coursed through his body waking his youthful desires.

"How would I try?"

"Can I hold your hand?" Paul asked.

"I guess." Dylan said quietly.

Paul reached out his hand and wrapped it around Dylan's. They clasped fingers and held very still as if both unsure what to do next. In this way, Paul felt very much a virgin again feeling the touch of a man for the first time.

"It's weird. Your hand's different than a girls. It feels more like mine." Dylan stared at their clasped hands. "This isn't so bad but I don't think I love you yet."

Paul chuckled.

"No, I guess not. It's not horrible though, is it?"

"No. It's okay"

"We could do something else." Paul offered.

"What?"

"We could hug." Paul said and stood, pulling Dylan up with him.

Both stood for a minute, Paul unsure of Dylan's reaction and Dylan unsure if he wanted to let this go any further. But both moved closer and wrapped their arms around each other.

"This isn't so bad either, I guess." Dylan said.

"That's cause you're hugging me like you'd hug an aunt."

"Well, how the hell am I supposed to hug you?"

"Like you'd hug a woman. Put your arms around me just like you'd put your arms around a girl that you like." Paul suggested and felt Dylan's arms tighten.

Suddenly the two young men were chest to chest and stomach to stomach. Paul moaned softly and tried not to think about the fact that with a small shift of his hips both their groins would be flush against the others.

"Is this getting to you?" Dylan asked. His voice trembled a bit.

"Yeah. This is getting to me. Is it getting to you?"

"I don't know." Paul thought the statement was a little too rushed to be true.

He was pretty sure Dylan knew and that he was beginning to feel something similar. Paul moved and felt his bulge rub against the front of Dylan's pants. At the sharp intake of breath, Paul looked into Dylan's eyes and saw that they were wide and nervous. Paul knew that the hardness he felt with his own was Dylan's own excitement pressing against his jeans. The rapid tempo of their hearts beat against each others and their desperate gulps of air matched each others heightened state of arousal.

`Oh my God!' Paul thought. `He wants me!'

Paul leaned his head in and lightly brushed his lips against Dylan's. They were soft and lush and open as he slipped his tongue in to rub against Dylan's. Paul caught a moan with his mouth and matched it with one of his own. He felt arms tighten around him and tightened his own, he felt his own desire reflected in the man in his arms. Paul lifted his head and broke the kiss to stare into Dylan's eyes. They were no longer nervous but filled with heat and desire.

Dylan moved his head and captured Paul's mouth with a tentative uncertainty. Paul moaned again as his lover shyly explored his lips and tongue. He heard Dylan draw in a ragged breath as they pulled themselves closer and deepened the kiss. Paul let his hands begin to wander and discover Dylan's body, his shoulders, his back, his hips and his ass. He gripped Dylan's tight ass and pulled it closer mashing their groins together. Dylan moaned but didn't resist.

"Oh God! That feels good." Dylan said, when they broke for air.

"It can feel perfect when it's with the right person." Paul answered, a little breathlessly.

Paul placed his hand lightly on Dylan's flat stomach which jerked in response at the touch. Paul pressed a little harder and caressed the soft downy hair that led into his bathing suit.

"Oh God, Paul!" Dylan said and placed his forehead against Paul's.

"Are you okay with this Dylan? We can stop whenever you want." Paul asked, torn between not wanting to go farther than Dylan was able and not wanting to ruin the moment. "Dylan?"

"Don't stop, Paul. Please God, don't stop!"

Paul lowered his hand and slipped it into the front of Dylan's suit to grasp his large erection. Dylan let out a breath which sounded like a cross between a moan and a sigh. He jerked the large cock in his hand until he couldn't wait to see it for himself. He slipped Dylan's shorts down his hips and was rewarded with a full naked view of the man he loved. He was beautiful in every way.

Paul knelt down in front of him and examined the large member standing tall and proud in front of him. Dylan had been gifted with a perfect cut penis, who's head was dripping precum. He slowly slipped Dylan's hard penis into his mouth and swallowed the hardness as far as he could till he felt the large head touch the back of his throat. Dylan moaned and took hold of Paul's head to guide and stroke his fingers through his hair. Paul bobbed his head into Dylan's crotch tasting his lover and pleasing him. Both of them moaned their pleasure until Paul realized that Dylan was close to release.

"Dylan, I know this is all new to you but there's something else I'd like to show you, something else I'd like to give you." Paul said, standing and pulling Dylan to him again.

"What's that?" Dylan asked, his voice thick with need.

"My virginity." Paul answered.

"You mean you want to..."

"Yeah." Paul held his breath waiting for an answer.

"Yeah. I want it. I want you."

Paul shucked his own clothes and stood unabashedly naked in front of Dylan who looked at his body with open interest. Dylan nervously reached out to touch Paul but stopped and looked for approval. Paul smiled and nodded, desperate to feel Dylan's hands on his body. At Paul's nod, Dylan laid his hand on his chest and felt the hard, smooth muscle and skin covered in curly chest hair. He smiled.

"Yeah, this is really different from a woman."

"Different in a good way, I hope?" Paul smiled.

Dylan's hand slowly made it's way down into the curly bush above Paul's own large member and grazed the base of it. Paul drew in a sharp intake of breath.

"Are you ok?"

"I'm perfect." Paul admitted. "You can touch it if you want."

Dylan's hand slid down the length of Paul's penis and grasped it's hard length.

"Wow. I've never touched another man's dick before in my life."

"Well, you're only eighteen." Paul said and noticed an odd look come over Dylan's face.

"Yeah, I guess."

The heat in his hand surprised Dylan as he gently stroked Paul's uncut cock. He was fascinated by the foreskin, which Paul's head was already pushing it's way out of and kept pulling it back and forth. He was amazed by the feel of it and by the fact that he wasn't freaking out. A small gem of precum appeared on the tip and Dylan licked his lips. He was caught up in wondering what it tasted like. Dylan knelt down in front of Paul as Paul had in front of him.

"Dylan, you don't have to do this if you don't want to."

"I want to." Dylan said, opened his mouth and took Paul's dick inside.

Dylan was new to this, obviously and Paul had to tell him to watch his teeth. He tried to mimic the motions that Paul had used on him and after choking and gagging a few times, found a rhythm which pleased both of them. The taste of Paul was entirely masculine and heady making Dylan want more, but Paul soon pulled away.

"Was I doing it wrong?" Dylan asked.

"No, baby. You were doing it perfectly. I was about to come and didn't think you'd want that. Besides, I want you to come with you inside me." Paul said and lowered himself to the ground.

He opened his legs wide and had Dylan kneel in between them before lying back. Paul looked up at Dylan and saw uncertainty again, but interest.

"We don't have to do this if you're not ready, but I want you so bad."

"I want you too, Paul." Dylan admitted. "What do I do?"

"Put the head of your cock on my asshole and rub against it. Lube it up with your precum."

Dylan did as he was told and Paul moaned at the glorious feel of the large penis head pressing against him.

"Now, push forward. Just like a pussy." Paul added.

"Like a man-pussy?" Dylan smiled and Paul laughed.

"Yeah, like a man-pussy. Just go slow. You're a bit big."

Paul felt Dylan push and soon his large head popped inside of his anus. He gritted his teeth against the pain and clenched his fists.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah, just go slow. I'll be fine." Paul said as he felt Dylan slowly slide his long length into his body.

Dylan stopped when he was fully inserted into Paul and waited for a sign to begin to move. Paul soon opened his eyes as he felt his body adjust to Dylan's and nodded. The large cock within him was pulled out and slowly pushed back in causing a rush of feeling to build in Paul and rush up his spine.