If You're Reading This...

Reaching out, her hands found the front of Matti's shirt and she grabbed hold of the crisp material, pulling her close and beginning to shake Matti as she found her voice, "Why do you need to go back Matti? You went once and it hurt, it hurt so much to have you here for a few days, knowing where you were going and hardly having time to get to know you again and to acknowledge how you...how my feelings had changed." She gasped, the tears had begun to fall, leaving dark marks on Matti's shirt as they splattered onto the material, "Then you come back and apologize for hurting me just to say you're going again. Why did you come back? I told you to come home Matti, not to come visit...to come home!"

She paused, surprised at her own self. Her lungs sucked in oxygen as she realized she was out of breath, and then just hiccupped it out amongst her tears. She couldn't raise her eyes to Matti's so she stared at her shirt, those carefully pressed lines of material had crumpled as she pulled at it with one hand and hit Matti's chest with the other and the neat rows of medals and pins had skewed and contorted. Despite this Matti had remained still under the onslaught, staring vacantly past Savannah's heaving shoulders.

*

"Contact. Explosion. Wait. Out"

Matti wiped the dust off her sunglasses and face, pulled at her gloves and flexed her fingers before wrapping them around her weapon. Silence had descended over the open field for a split second between the patter of falling dirt and the first shot singing between the prone troops before kicking into the dirt behind them. Matti idly spun figures through her head. If the village is two hundred meters away and the muzzle velocity of an AK-47 fired from that village is seven hundred and fifteen meters per second, assuming that three hundred and forty meters per second is the speed of sound at this elevation and in these conditions, will you hear the shot that kills you?

She smiled ruefully.

Technically no. The bullet would beat the sound by roughly 0.3 of a second. Technically she wouldn't hear the shot that killed her. If she died immediately.

It seemed like such a shame to die without the beautiful echo of the final shot fired in your war echoing in your ears.

The explosion had kicked up a miniature dust storm that had blossomed upwards and was just beginning to drift down on the momentary stillness below when suddenly the radio kicked up a storm of its own.

"Man down." echoed through Matti's ears and she instinctively reached out and grabbed the Private beside her as he flinched into action. He may have been older than her but he was much younger in experience.

"Stay down Jacob." She pressed two buttons on her watch without lowering her rifle from its resting position. A metallic zing echoed through the still air, followed by a crack in the distance at the riffle of activity that the broadcast kicked up amongst the troops.

"Sergeant, man down. We have to go."

"No, stay put." She paused. Another zing echoed past.

He stopped. Confused for a moment. Then his face dropped into a slack jawed moment of clarity, "We're being shot at."

Matti nodded, "First time eh?"

A host of crackling greeted another spattering of rounds as the soldiers around them began to return fire toward the village. She turned toward the soldier huddled against the embankment thirty meters in front of her and began to yell.

"Drake. Man down. Repeat man down. I need to go forward..." she motioned down the canal and across the open field where the dust still concealed the carnage. She didn't have to finish the sentence. The grim faced soldier raised his hand in reply.

"Jacob, when Drake starts firing I'll cover and you get to that bridge, then you cover me. Understand?"

The young Private swallowed hard, the fear in his eyes apparent. Matti smiled at him, "Fire and maneuver. Like you were trained."

He nodded, paused and then flung himself forward before Drake had even settled back against the embankment with his rifle. Matti shook her head and grinned at the rookie's mistake as she lowered her cheek to the butt of her weapon, took a sighting, paused and squeezed the trigger. They leap-frogged forward along the canal, the young Private a mess of flailing arms and legs and unsteady covering fire, Matti calm and composed and doing her utmost to keep Jacob safe. Finally she tumbled into the lukewarm shade of a building beside him. Beyond it a blackened and charred mess of debris scattered across the sand, smoke and dust still waving back and forth in the gusting breeze.

"What have we got?"

One of the soldiers crouched behind the wall turned to her. "Shrapnel in this one," he gestured at the soldier on a stretcher before him, holding a bloody dressing to his own head wound. "One of the EOD guys is still out there. They were investigating when the IED went off. The other one, he's...he's gone - it was fucking huge," he flicked his wrist at the shrapnel scarring the walls that now sheltered them, Matti nodded, she knew how an explosion could shred a body into pieces so small it looked like the person had disappeared.

She reached out and touched the shoulder of a young Private sitting beside her, his rifle lying on the ground and his eyes vacant, "Hey buddy, it's okay." She knew the look; some got it the first time they saw these things, some on the twenty-first time. She picked up his rifle and placed it in his hands, "You need to do what you've been trained to do." He refocused, never quite looking her in the eye and began nodding as his hands went through familiar drills his weapon. Her eyes flicked to his nametag, noting it down for future reference. Early treatment could improve his outcomes, but she knew no matter what she did this soldier would never really be the same again.

She kept her hand on his shoulder as she turned back to Max who started speaking again. "We tried to get 'im Boss but they just kept fucking shooting. Sniper somewhere amongst the buildings but we can't fucking see 'im." the Lieutenant paused and looked out at the front of the vehicle, "He was down but he was moving. He was fucking moving but then they started shooting at him. He's dead. I think. He stopped moving after that..."

Matti reached out and touched the soldier, staunching the rapid flow of his words before they degenerated into self-blame. "You did the right thing Max." her mind registered Max's tone when he reference the remaining EOD tech and her heartbeat slowed, pounding through her ears. She looked at her hand on Max's shoulder and then at the other, still on the shoulder of the young private fussing with his weapon. A slow feeling of dread began to rise, she had seen these two together on base, walking...walking with...

"Who is it Max, who's out there?"

Max dropped his eyes, "It's Liam."

Matti nodded as Max raised his eyes to stare at her. A metallic wash of blood registered on her taste buds as her teeth bit into the side of her tongue. The sullen pain helped her keep her face straight, an instinctive trick. She bit harder as the flood of dread swelled up, gripped her chest and squeezed and then rolled over her, trying not to let the tension reach her hands resting on both soldiers. She paused and assessed the soldier on the stretcher, "He's yours Jacob. Sort him out. Max will help. Did a nine-liner go out?"

A soldier huddled over a radio nodded. "Nine-liner received. Evac not authorized. They want to know how bad he is."

Matti swore. "This guy here won't die anytime soon, but that poor son-of-a-bitch out there...Fuck. I'm going to try get a look. You're doing great Jacob," she nodded at the young Private working on the moaning soldier, "yell out if you need me."

Matti dropped onto her stomach, and began to creep forward toward the side of the building. She scanned the debris field before her until she caught sight of a blackened lump that was the only thing still large enough to be a human.

As she watched movement shuddered through the form and Matti swore again. It may have been the wind in his clothing but it may have been signs of life. She had to go to him and give her friend that chance. She turned to address the soldiers behind her, the movement drew fire, and she threw herself backwards as splinters of wood laced the side of her face from the ricochet.

"I'm good." she grinned at the stunned faces of the soldiers who stared as blood started to run down her face. The soldier in the canal to the side of the building yelled out, "Got 'im Boss. Sniper on the roof of the blown up building to the west of the ridge. The one partly missing the front wall."

"Roger that," she paused, "Right Max, here's what I'm thinking. You lay down some of the good stuff on that fucker while I get Liam." She grinned and wiped at the blood on her face as if it were the easiest thing in the world, as if there weren't men screaming to each other around her, as if the very air she breathed wasn't thick with the dust of an explosion, as if...as if she had nobody to go home to. She shook her thoughts away.

Max swore at her then made an offer to come with her. Matti shook her head, "Max-a-million. I love your wife and kids to bits. You aren't coming with me and that's an order, given to me by your wife before we left. And as far as I know Wife of the Lieutenant outranks the Lieutenant. If you want to be helpful throw smoke." The big man nodded his face pale but grateful for her reprieve. He touched the top pocket where he kept the pictures he showed her every time he sat beside her at the mess.

Max turned and began to yell orders over the continuing gunfire. Soldiers scrambled. Matti closed her eyes, fingered the trigger of her rifle and drank in the last moment she had before Max lobbed the canister out, signaling the start of her desperate dash to the soldier. She pushed Max's warning out of her head, trying to lose the thought that there may be more undetected explosive devices buried in the sand she was about to cross, trying to lose the thought of the lack of cover out in the field, trying to ignore the rocks that littered the ground, loose underfoot and so easy to trip over.

Instead her mind found Savannah behind her closed lids. It replayed the pure smile of joy that careened across her face the moment she recognized Matti at the beach party.

The way the firelight had trickled through her blue eyes, making them sparkle with excitement.

The way Savannah's fingers had dug into Matti's skin through the thin cotton singlet she was wearing.

The way she had not cared who saw them embrace or who saw her kiss Matti on the forehead, resting her button nose against Matti's as she hugged her friend. Both of them entwined, drinking in that moment too, knowing it couldn't last.

The first and last time she had done that since Matti saw her arguing with Nikki afterwards. Saw Nikki push her over. Started running...

Matti opened her eyes, cursed at herself and gripped her rifle tighter with one hand and reached up to touch the photograph in her right breast pocket, her fingers hesitating for a moment and then shifting to touch the tourniquets that sat ensconced in her left pocket instead. She had made her choice.

Her heart beat steadily against her chest, strong but not fast. She settled into the moment, feeling the weight of the rifle in her hands and noting how the smell of cordite had become acrid in her nostrils. A feint veneer over the stench of the shit laden canal water. Nice for a change.

Focus. Move fast. Stay low. Watch where your feet go. Grab and drag if you can. Back the exact route you went out. The. Exact. Route. Come home...please come home. Right here. We could be happy if you come home, we could be together if you come home...we could be...

She shook her mind clear of the fantasies of how that sentence could have ended as a rock beneath her left boot gave way slightly as she shifted her weight onto her back leg; her calf trembled slightly then steadied. A small bead of sweat trickled its way down the side of her face stinging as it soaked into the freshly clotting blood on her face. She felt centered. Max bobbed up and threw the canister. Her ears caught the clink of it bouncing across the ground. She watched Max as he moved then looked back over the wall. Once. He moved again. Looked over. Twice. Move. Look. Third time lucky. He gave her the thumbs up. The dry air burned her throat as she sucked in one breath and then another, forcing the heavy weight of it from her lungs. She had made her choice. This was where she belonged.

*

Matti grasped Savannah's flailing arms and gently held them still. "My duty is out there Sav. But that doesn't mean I haven't come home. As long as I still can I will come back here...right here... I'll keep coming home as long as you want me to."

Savannah stopped struggling, her anger dissipating in a sudden rush, only to be replaced by confusion. She had said it. Home. Right here. Come home. Home. This was home. Her head reeled and she felt the gentle squeeze of Matti's hands loosen as she stopped fighting the soldier and slumped against her chest instead.

Savannah fought to gain control of her breathing and lifted her face. Matti's lips were there, waiting for her. Home. She hesitated briefly, but the touch of those rough lips, still chapped from a sun beating down on a foreign land, held hers so gently. Matti is not the only one coming home. She pushed her fingers over Matti's collar and up the back of her neck, sliding them through her short hair and then she was kissing Matti back. The release she felt was more than physical. Her mind quieted for the first time since she had first seen Matti on the beach more than a year ago, for the first time since Matti had stopped showing up on Facebook and didn't answer her emails or letters. She was home right here with Matti, her Matts.

Matti felt the roughened edges of her chapped lips scraping against Savannah's lips and paused. A sense of urgency raced through her veins as she felt the delicate touch of Savannah's hands sifting through her hair, pulling her into the kiss. She tried to pull back, to mumble an explanation of why she was here, why she had made the decision to purchase a connecting flight at the airport that morning. Her hand unconsciously reached up and touched the manila envelope in her breast pocket, fumbled with the button, and then gave in as she felt Savannah's tongue slide between her lips.

How could she ever find the words to explain how she came to write the letter in her pocket that was addressed simply to 'Savannah'?

*

"Jacob get me some water." Matti was deaf to the anger in her voice but Jacob heard it clearly and scrambled desperately to find her pack. Matti cracked the cap of the tube and lifted the Liam's head slightly, gently spilling the water against his lips.

"Sarge, you can't give him fluid, he needs surgery..."

Matti looked up at the young Private voicing his objections and he fell silent. His eyes scanned the burned flesh and material splattered with bright patches of red and crusted dirt. He took a small step back in revulsion as his eyes darted from the remnants of the soldier's face to Matti and locked on to her, the only sense of calm he could find amongst the chaos that had erupted.

The young soldier with the radio yelled across to Matti, "Evac ETA twenty minutes, repeat twenty mikes."

Matti looked at her watch. The timer she had started had ticked over to 1h:23m. The remaining two digits raced on and soon it read 1h:24m.

"Matts," the soldier on the stretcher snapped into a sudden moment of clarity. His fingers fumbled at his breast pocket, digging through the torn material until he grasped a ragged blood stained bit of paper, "Matti, give this to my fiancé. I meant to give it to you before we left the FOB just in case... and I...I forgot. I'm so stupid."

Matti took his hand as it fumbled with the paper, and he slumped. "You aren't stupid Liam. You don't need to worry about that letter now."

He lay back, "Am I going to be okay Matts?"

She nodded. But Jacob noticed her fingers gently clasped the bloodstained letter almost tenderly as she took Liam's hand in hers, exerting just enough pressure to pin it down, but not enough for the soldier to feel her preventing the desert wind from dragging it away.

*

Matti was gentle in ways Savannah had not foreseen in the raunchy dreams that occasionally haunted her sleep. And yet she was rough in ways Savannah's mind would never have dreamed up. Her hands found Savannah's waist and hard callouses rubbed over soft skin as they crept under her cotton tee, pulling her closer but making her gasp as they raked her skin. Matti's teeth grazed her lower lip, a tiny chip in one scraping at the sensitive flesh painfully, as she pushed her lips hard against Savannah's.

Savannah pulled back, sobbing for breath. "Matti, please...gently..."

Matti touched her face, traced her lips, red and puffy from the recent contact then kissed her again. There was a controlled urgency in her now, her tongue running over Savannah's lips one moment, her teeth gently nibbling the next as she explored tentatively waiting for Savannah to kiss back.

Savannah bought her fists down against Matti's shoulders and took a step back, breaking the kiss in a sudden fit of guilt. She began to stammer, her eyes wide, trying to find the words but only sputtering Nikki's name semi coherently as her voice died in her throat.

Matti was gripping her shoulder; her face was contorted in a fierce grimace of pain.

"Matts?" Savannah reached for her other shoulder and Matti flinched away. "What's wrong Matti?" Savannah's reached for Matti's hand, "Come sit down." She pulled a plyometric box down from a pile and wiped the chalk dust away with her hand. Matti paused.

"Matts, I'm sorry. Please just sit down. You look pale." Her eyes implored until Matti made her way over and settled on the box, resting her back against the cool wall behind her. Savannah crouched down in front of Matti, resting her hands on her knees, "Are you ok? Is it bad? Can I get you anything?"

Matti laughed, "Easy Savs, one question at a time."

Savannah's eyes stared at Matti's whitened knuckles then her eyes flicked back to those medals again, "What happened Matti?"

Matti shrugged, "You don't need to worry Sav, it's done and I...well I'm still here aren't I, all fingers and, well, fingers are all we need to worry about right now and they're all present and accounted for."

Savannah's jaw clenched at Matti's attempt at humor and her eyes flicked up to Matti's face angrily. Her eyes sank into a melting pot of emotion as Matti gazed back at her and Savannah's anger faded as she realized what that flippancy covered.

In Matti's eyes she saw a moment of a terrible truth. Only then did she notice the small knot of scar tissue across the bridge of Matti's nose and the pale silvery trail that was gently blotted over with carefully applied make-up. It led over Matti's cheekbone, across her eye and left a feint trail of bare skin through her eyebrow, fading as it reached her temple. Her eyes dropped. Another arced down the front of her neck, dropping under her collar, rubbed a raw red color by the chafing material of the uniform she wore every day.

Her hands tugged at the top button of Matti's shirt, furious at her blind ignorance of all the signs, which were soon lost again as her eyes blurred with tears. Soon Matti's hands tightened on hers prying her long fingers away and Savannah struggled momentarily, "I want to see Matts."