I'll Remember the Good Old Times

Following the futile courtroom session, I decided to take the therapist's advice and get into an exercise routine. The therapist thought this would help take my mind off of the divorce and my health and appearance. My progress might help my self-concept and that might help me to move on. After the first few weeks of exercises, I did feel better and began to look better. To keep from getting bored and quitting too soon when I was on the treadmill, I kept plotting how to get Dustin to believe I had changed. Screw moving on. Not yet at least.

Weeks later, I saw Dustin coming through the chow line at the Homeless Shelter one evening. I was there helping to serve food. He stopped in front of me while was putting mashed potatoes on people's plates. "What are you doing here?" he asked.

"Serving mashed potatoes. Move along, there are people waiting." I tried not to appear angry. I never approached him while he was there.

The scene repeated itself the next couple of weeks. One night, Dustin stayed around until the place closed. He asked me, "Would you go have a cup of coffee with me? I'm buying"

"Sure, you want to go to Starbucks?"

"I can't afford that. How about the McDonald's?"

"Fine, can I give you a ride?"

"If you don't mind."

"No problem."

Dustin got the coffee. I didn't offer to pay even for my own cup. It appeared Dustin was pleased. I think it made him feel more like they were equals.

"L.C., what's with the volunteer work? You trying to get me to believe you are truly sorry, and you have changed?"

"Dustin, I won't lie to you. Do I apologize? Yes. Do I think I have changed? Yes. Do I want us to be together again? Yes. Do I want you to forgive me? Yes. Do I expect things to go back to the way they used to be? No.

"Those first 22 years of our marriage were wonderful. The last few were horrible because of ME. Not you, me. I don't see how we can go back to the wonderful times when the memory of the horrible times are so fresh in your head. All I want is to be around you as much as you will let me. I want to show you I have changed. To show you my words now are not just words."

Dustin looked at me like he was suffering, "From what I have seen and what the kids have told me, you have changed for the better. I understand now that they have asked you to visit during the holidays. I am glad for all of you. L.C., you look healthier and more attractive than I have ever seen you. You seem more at peace and I sincerely hope that is true. I have always wanted the best for you.

"What you have to realize is that when you changed at the end of our marriage, I changed too. The changed me does not know what to believe. You hurt me so bad, I am scared to care about you again. My happiness is no longer dependent on your happiness. Your happiness now should not be linked to me. Maybe I could get to the point where I could say I have forgiven you, but I think everyone who professes forgiveness is lying because they haven't forgotten. I don't think I could fully forgive you when I haven't, when I can't, forget."

I was in tears. I couldn't help it. "Dustin, I am so sorry for how I have hurt you. You did not deserve it. I know I have said that it was the hormone imbalance that caused me to act the way I did, and, according to my doctor that is true. But my therapist said that it was only partially true. I also had a sizable chunk of 'bitch' in me too. Dustin, I used to think you were too good for me. You were handsome and popular. I couldn't believe you really loved me. I thought you might wake up some day and say, 'I could do better than her' and go find another woman. I kept challenging you in order to hear that you still loved me. Unfortunately, as you kept insisting you loved me, I kept feeling like I needed to make you prove it by tolerating me at my worst. That's sick, I know, but that was me and I am still trying to work on it."

"L.C., you don't know how much I want to believe it was just hormones or something else. I was really happy with our life and thought you were too. I had a lot of love for you, but you finally succeeded in tearing it out of my heart. I don't hate you, but I'm scared to love you. My brain still says, 'Don't let her have the chance to kill you again.' I . . . I . . " Dustin went silent for a while but tears were coming down his cheeks. He gathered himself.

"Are you still going to work at the Homeless Shelter?"

"Yes, I actually like volunteering there. Ms. Stephenson is a wonderful lady. So full of love and care for others. She's close to sainthood in my book."

"I agree." Nothing was said for a while by either.

Dustin broke the silence. "I'm glad you are helping out at the Shelter. Please continue. They need the help."

"Can we have coffee every now and then?"

"Maybe."

My anger arose quickly as I saw him slipping out of my life again, "Damn it, Dustin. How the hell can I help you forget old bad memories if you don't give me a chance to make new good memories. I should have known . . . Oh no! I'm doing it again. Please forgive me."

Dustin was not upset. "Well, it didn't take much to find the old L.C. did it?" He smiled. I've enjoyed talking to you, but I don't want to re-hash the bad years any more. I'll contact you periodically to see how you're doing. Please, do not use the hope you seem to have about a reconciliation with me to keep you from finding someone to love you. There are more men than me who can see your inner and outer beauty."

Through teary eyes, I asked, "Does that mean you will be looking for a new wife?"

"I will live the life I want to. That's what I hope you do too. I think I'm to the point where I only want to have a few close friends, male or female. I can't see an exclusive, much less marital, relationship any time soon, but I'm not limiting my options either."

I continued working at the Shelter becoming Coordinator of Volunteers. I also continued therapy. I dated some and I was happy I was able to attract better candidates for relationships than before. None could pass the 'as good as Dustin test.' I was glad that Dustin talked to me over the phone about twice a month. He seemed pleased with my progress. Neither of us said anything about getting back together.

Several months after I last heard from Dustin, I was called into my boss's office. "What's the matter, Earl? Someone complaining about me showing too much cleavage again?" I chuckled.

"No, L.C. Actually, this meeting is because of a compliment rather than a complaint. It seems our big boss has been snooping. He was impressed with what you've done in the last year, both on the job and at the Shelter. Community service means a lot to him. He mentioned to me that you might be the person for the opening in Austin, Texas. Basically, it's the same job there as I have here. It's a significant raise in status as well as money. I would hate to lose you, but you deserve the opportunity. You should at least think about it. Let me know by Monday of next week. Okay? Congratulations, no matter what you decide to do."

"BAM." You could have knocked me over with a feather, a half a feather. I did not see that coming at all. My first thought was, "Is this a sign from God that it's time to move on?" This was a sign supporting the view that waiting for Dustin to forgive me was futile. Everyone was telling me to move on, including Dustin. Maybe they were right. I could start anew in more ways than one. The biggest problem I had was that there was only one person I wanted to talk to about it and he wasn't available. I was miserable.

It was the longest weekend I have ever spent. I hoped beyond hope that Dustin would call. I worked at the Shelter Sunday night. I had my resignation as Coordinator of Volunteers in my hand. I was working up the courage to see Mrs. Stephenson when she called me into her office. I was almost crying. Leaving here would be more painful than leaving my friends at work.

"L.C., I have asked to speak to you because I have something very serious to ask you. My husband and I have decided to retire and do some traveling. We're not getting any younger and we have enough funds to do it. I've seen too many couples wait too long and one of them dies or is too disabled. You are the first to know because I would like to recommend you take my place. I feel confident the board will agree with my recommendation. I'm afraid it would mean you couldn't work as a full-time accountant anymore. It's the typical social service job - more work, less pay." She chuckled. "What do you think?"

"BAM 2." My initial reaction was that I could not imagine the Shelter without Mrs. Stephenson. My second reaction came from my heart. Working at the Shelter was personally satisfying. It was what I really wanted to do. I was well off enough financially, thanks to Dustin, to take the cut in pay, especially from what I would have received for going to Austin. I was surprised that being closer to Dustin was not part of my decision. I had moved on. It was a liberating feeling, sad but liberating. When I came out of my stupor, I told her, "I would be honored to be considered for your position although I cannot imagine doing half as well as you have. I will also miss you terribly. You have become a dear friend." We shared hugs and some tears.

When I went to see my boss, he was perplexed that I was not only not going to Texas, I was resigning from my current job. Once he got over the shock, he offered to keep me on part-time. I agreed. As soon as I trained my replacement at work, Mrs. Stephenson trained me in her position duties. At the end of my training I remember very clearly thinking, "If Dustin could only see me now." He was still part of my heart. I quickly suppressed the feeling.

We had a huge celebration for Mrs. Stephenson on her last day of work. It was the same day I took over the Shelter's Director job, so I spent a lot of time receiving the congratulations from various community leaders and donors who had come to see Mrs. Stephenson off.

At the end of the ceremony and the congratulatory parade, a man walked in and said, "I understand congratulations are in order." I looked up and saw Dustin standing in front of me. He was clean-shaven, well-dressed, and had gained back good weight. He looked older than before but more distinguished and still handsome. I grinned while tears came to my eyes. All the hopes I had put away came back to life. My heart leapt.

I tried to remain calm, "You look a lot different than when I last saw you. A good different, I must say."

"Yeah, after I last spoke to you at McDonald's, I came to the conclusion that my goal to live as cheaply as possible and losing so much weight was a way of getting vengeance on you. People were supposed to say, 'Poor man, look what that evil woman did to him.' I was having a prolonged pity party. I told you once that I could not forgive you because I could not forget the bad times. Being with you the last year rekindled many of the good time memories. I concluded those were worth remembering too. I became willing to forgive."

"Oh Dustin, I hope that means you're ready to come home. I promise you won't regret it. I have so much to make up for if you will just let me."

"Well, if you had only done the things I knew about then, I was ready to come and beg you for a second chance. . . "

I interrupted, "It's me who should beg for a second chance. I treated you so badly. That foul-mouthed bitch is dead. Are you coming home?"

"I said I WAS ready to. I mean I had given my landlady, Ms. Holly, notice. Funny thing, I found out her 70-year-old fiancé had just ordered her to kick me out since he didn't want another man living with her. So, I needed a place to stay."

"You can move in tonight. I'm so happy . . ."

"Calm down, L.C. Let me finish. I was feeling the overwhelming need to forgive and perhaps reconcile until I thought of one thing: Who took the photos of Lillian and me at the hotel? I went to her and asked her to describe the man. The description fit Larry Bingham from your office. The one you used to complain about always flirting and trying to get into your panties. Now what could you have possibly offered him to get the dirt on me? I went to the bar where you told me people from the office go and drink after work. Larry was having drinks and checking out the women. I bought him a couple of rounds and as he mellowed, I thanked him for helping me get rid of you. That was all it took to get the story out of him. He lamented that he only got one night with you. He figured that once you divorced, he would get more chances. I asked him enough questions about your anatomy to know he was telling the truth.

I was beyond devastation. "I didn't think there was any way you could find out what I had done. I was only going to let Larry have sex with me if he found the proof of your infidelity. I thought he had given it to me. It was revenge sex. It was just one time and I hated it. Then you proved him wrong. I felt horrible and I haven't been with him or anyone else ever since. What I did was while I was still under the effects of my menopause and psychological problems. Can't you forgive me for that too? I'm so sorry."

"And what will I find out next week?"

"There's nothing else, I swear. Please Dustin. Remember the good times."

"L.C., I don't need to remember OUR good times any more. I am going to make some new good times, only they will be without you."

That's the last time I saw Dustin. In a couple of years, he and his new wife and I traded Thanksgivings and Christmases with our daughters and grandkids. Reports from them was that Dustin was happy. I stayed at the Shelter until the Austin, Texas job came open again. Ms. Stephenson got tired of all the traveling in retirement and agreed to come back. I was free to start a new life in Texas. I love the job. My social life is meager but satisfying. I found a man who was burned twice in divorces. We get together occasionally and make slow love. Nothing spectacular but it keeps the horns trimmed. Do I still lament what I threw away with Dustin? Hell, yes.

L.C.