I'm Okay, You're Not Okay Pt. 01

The transistor radio blasted the new Captain and Tennille song "Love Will Keep Us Together," prompting Nicole to sneer at her husband and wonder what was keeping them together.

It sure as hell wasn't love.

As she relaxed on a lawn chair in her mother's backyard, Nicole watched the loser she was married to frantically waving his hand at the black smoke that billowed from the barbecue grill. The annoyed housewife lifted her sunglasses and glared. "Jeez, Jimmy -- can't you even cook sausages right?"

Margaret sniffed. "Is that a rhetorical question? Since when does Numb-Nuts do anything right?"

"S-sorry." Jimmy blinked at his mother-in-law. "I didn't know the flame on your grill went up so high."

Margaret shook her head. "You're pitiful, you know that? I have no earthly idea why my daughter married you, Jimmy. If they gave a Dumbass of the Year Award for 1975, you'd win, hands-down."

"Those brats are ruined." Nicole lit a cigarette and blew smoke toward her husband. "You think you can manage to make the other pack before Mike gets here without fucking those up, too?"

"S-sorry," Jimmy repeated as he tore open the second package of sausages.

"Since you burnt the first batch, you don't eat until Mike's finished," Nicole proclaimed. "There needs to be enough in case he wants seconds or thirds."

"Mike's a big war hero -- he needs nourishment." Margaret smirked at Jimmy. "Unlike this little pansy, who got out of Vietnam because ... what excuse did you use again?"

"Um, they wouldn't take me, Margaret; I've got asthma."

"No, what you've got is a severe lack of balls." Nicole scoffed. "If you were worth a fuck, you wouldn't have gotten your wimpy ass fired and we wouldn't be living in Mom's basement."

Jimmy swallowed the insult and concentrated on cooking the second batch of brats. The links were just starting to brown when his focus was shattered by a rattle at the gate and a squeal from his wife.

"OMG, Mike, you look GREAT!" Nicole leapt from her seat and bolted across the backyard toward the muscular giant, who swallowed her up in his embrace. Jimmy gritted his teeth and counted how long the hug lasted. After a full 27 seconds, Nicole and Mike unlocked limbs and bounced toward the table. Mike leaned down and kissed Margaret before sitting on a lawn chair between Nicole and her mom.

"Thanks for inviting me," Mike told the older woman before turning to Nicole. "I was so happy when your ma told me you were back in town." He held out his left hand and wiggled his bare fingers. "I'm sure you heard about Tina and me."

"Ma told me as soon she found out." Nicole chuckled. "I think she was happier about the divorce than your mom was. We all were. Nobody liked that bitch -- I never could figure out why you married her in the first place."

"Ugh, neither can I." Mike leaned back in his lawn chair. "I dunno ... I was home on furlough ... you'd moved to Centerville and gotten married ... it just happened. Looking back, I think maybe I needed an anchor to help me make it through the war, and Tina happened to come along at the right time. It helps if you've got something live for when you're out there in that goddamn jungle every day, let me tell you."

"Well, you had something to live for, all right." Margaret stubbed out her cigarette in the ashtray and grinned. "Harvest Springs' own Silver Star winner. You're a fucking hero, Mike."

Nicole touched Mike's thigh. "She's right. How many people did you save over there again?"

Mike shrugged. "Um, 12 soldiers, plus a couple kids. Shit, man, I don't want to be rude, but I'd prefer not to talk about all that if you guys don't mind. I don't want to talk about Tina, either. I gave up a year of my life to Vietnam, and four years of my life with that bitch. The divorce was finalized last month, and now I'm ready to just move on. A fresh start. You know?"

"Yeah, I get it," Nicole said. "We're starting out fresh, too, after Dumbass here lost his job. He's looking for work now; we're living here with Ma for the time being."

"I know, she told me." Mike nodded at Jimmy. "Hey, man, nice to meet you."

Nicole giggled. "Oh, sorry, I forgot to introduce you. Jimmy, this is Mike, my ... um, an old friend."

"Um, hey, man, whassup?" Jimmy mumbled as he shifted from foot to foot.

Margaret pointed. "Goddamn it, Jimmy, you're burning those, too!"

Jimmy gasped when he saw the smoke rolling from the grill. He lifted the top and groaned -- the sausages were burnt to a crisp.

Nicole threw up her hands. "You gotta be fucking kidding me! What the hell, Jimmy, are you fucking brain-dead or something?"

"He's a born loser," Margaret said.

Mike chuckled and pulled out his wallet, removing a $20 bill and offering it to the smaller man. "Here, Bubba, why don't you run to the A&P and pick up four steaks? I'll cook 'em when you get back. And stop at the party store and grab a bottle of burgundy while you're at it, okay?"

Nicole beamed. "Ooh, burgundy, you remembered."

"How could I forget?" Mike winked.

Jimmy bit his lip. "Um, does anybody want anything while I'm at the store?"

"Yeah, get four steaks and a bottle of burgundy like Mike said, stupid-ass." Nicole flicked her cigarette butt toward her husband and it landed near his foot. "And hurry up -- thanks to you, we won't even be eating until after 6, and I'm starving. Get going."

As Jimmy trudged from the backyard toward his Gremlin, he heard Mike snicker and whisper something to Nicole that made her laugh, although he couldn't make out what was said. The downtrodden husband hurried to his car and burned rubber, not wanting to leave Nicole and her "old friend" without supervision any longer than necessary. He realized his mistake when he saw the flashing lights in his rear-view mirror. A motorcycle cop gave him a speeding ticket, a process that took more than a half-hour.

When Jimmy finally got back home with the steaks and wine, he was greeted by frowns all around.

Nicole folded her arms. "Where the hell were you?"

"Um ... I, uh, got a speeding ticket."

"You what?" Nicole rolled her eyes. "Jeez, Jimmy, how much is that gonna cost us?"

"Um, it's $15."

"Well, that's coming out of your allowance."

Mike snorted. "He gets an allowance?"

"I told you: I need to take care of everything or he'd fuck it all up, because he doesn't have a brain -- and he doesn't have a spine, either."

Jimmy stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Aw, come on, honey, why you gotta talk like that?"

"Talk like what?" Nicole's eyes flashed. "You ARE spinless." She turned to Mike. "He lost his job in Centerville because he was too scared to tell the manager that a coworker was stealing ... when the boss found a bunch of shit missing, he thought they were both in on it, so they both got fired. He gets unemployment now, but even after he finds a job I'll be handling the money from now on -- if there's even gonna be a from-now-on."

Jimmy felt a wave of panic at the barely-hidden threat of a divorce, a concept his wife had been throwing out more frequently since he'd lost his job. It cut even deeper that she was airing out their laundry to her "old friend," a man who outclassed the hapless scarecrow by every discernable measure -- looks, muscles, charm, a Silver Star medal and money, judging from the brand-new '75 Corvette that was parked in Margaret's driveway. Like always, though, Jimmy ignored his wife's barb.

Margaret shook a cigarette from the pack and peeked inside. "Ugh, only two left." She sneered at Jimmy. "Make yourself useful for a change -- run back to the store and get me two packs of Salem."

Jimmy hung his head and promised to be right back. It took everything he had to avoid flooring his Gremlin so he could return as quickly as possible, but he obeyed the speed limit. This time, though, he got stuck for a half-hour by a slow-moving train. When he finally returned to Marlene's house, his ears reddened when he saw his wife with her shoes off and her bare feet resting on Mike's lap. Their steaks had already been cooked and eaten; Jimmy's plate sat uncovered on the end of the table with flies landing on and off the meat every few seconds. The frazzled hubby took note of the nearly-empty wine bottle.

Marlene smacked her lips when Jimmy set the two packs of smokes on the table in front of her. "Took you long enough."

"There was a train." Nobody replied, so Jimmy sat down and used a napkin to wipe off his cold steak.

Nicole swung her feet from Mike's legs and sat up straight. "Mike says he has a job for you, Jimmy."

"Uh, really?" Jimmy cocked his head. "Um ... doing what?"

"I own the Sitting Bull Bar & Grill out on Front Street, and my porter just quit," Mike said. "You'd be responsible for washing dishes, making sure the tables are wiped down, cleaning up the bar after it closes, and, you know, helping out the barmaids if they need you to carry something or whatever. It pays $2 an hour under-the-table, which is better than minimum wage when you take taxes into account."

Jimmy blinked. "Um ... I ... I dunno ..."

"What don't you know?" Nicole scowled. "It would be more than you're making on unemployment."

"But, honey, I ... I've got a college degree."

"And we're in a fucking recession. You've been looking for a job; has that college degree done you any fucking good?"

Jimmy hung his head.

"Has it?" Nicole's nostrils flared.

"N-no." Jimmy cleared his throat. "No, it hasn't."

"So, then, we're done talking about this." Nicole smiled. "Mike's your new boss. Now, thank him for giving you a job."

"Um ... t-thanks?"

Mike shrugged. "No problem. You start tomorrow."

Marlene smirked. "Little Jimmy isn't too proud to clean; he does it around here. He cleans the kitchen ... the windows ... toilets ... he's a great little cleaner."

"Hey, he ain't paying rent, so he's go to earn his keep somehow," Nicole said.

Mike grinned at Marlene. "You're such a goddamn clean-freak, I'm sure you're running the poor guy ragged. I remember how much you used to complain when I stayed over at your guys' house. What's it like having a guy living with you again; does Jimmy leave the seat up?"

Nicole waved her hand. "Oh, Jimmy sits down to pee."

Mike hooted. "He what?"

"I made him start doing that right after we got married." Nicole sipped her wine. "Tell him why, Jimmy."

Jimmy squirmed. "Aw, come on, honey, what are you doing? Please don't do this."

"Oh, shut up, Mike's an old friend." Nicole leaned forward as if she was about to spill a secret. "Jimmy has such a little thingy, when he pees it gets all over his balls and splashes everywhere. So, I make him sit down."

Mike slapped his head. "Jeezus, man, that's 15 different ways of fucked-up." He smirked at Jimmy. "I feel for ya, pee-wee."

"Come on, man, what the fuck!" Jimmy jumped to his feet and waved his hands. "You guys are drunk. That's not right."

"Sit down, Nancy Boy," Margaret slurred.

Mike suppressed a smile. "I was just kidding man."

"What the fuck?" Jimmy repeated, glaring at his wife.

"Relax, it was a goddamn joke." Nicole looked her weakling husband in the eye. "Unless you want a big fight. We can do that if you want."

"I ... uh ..."

Mike chuckled. "It's not a big deal; I was just fucking with you, dude. We cool?"

"Um, yeah, alright." Jimmy retook his seat and played with his napkin.

Nicole rubbed her chin. "You know, I was thinking: since the bar job's under the table, you can keep on getting the unemployment until it runs out, too."

"Um ... are you sure?" Jimmy wrung his hands. "If I got caught--"

"Oh, stop being such a wuss; you're not gonna get caught." Nicole picked up the empty wine bottle and looked at Mike. "You up for more?"

"Sure." Mike waved toward Jimmy. "Since I'm your new boss, we'll make that your first job: Run to the store and get another bottle of burgundy."

Jimmy knew better than to argue.