Impact 12½: of Alumnae

Part of the problem, I knew, was that I was comparing her to Claire. Rebekah's clothes looked expensive and stylish in a very different way than Claire's. Rebekah looked successful, but sexless and staid. I found myself wondering if she used professional shoppers or stylists. My guess was she did.

I only met Rebekah's mother once, at her graduation. I remembered her as a handsome woman. She had been made up and sleek in a way that low-key reeked of old wealth; nothing obviously expensive or showy. No Gucci or Dolce & Gabbana, but everything she wore added up to a manicured perfection. There was a conservatism to Rebekah's appearance and manner that reminded me of her mother.

'Had Rebekah always presented herself so carefully and I just hadn't realized?' I wondered, 'Or had she changed in the past few years?'

To her credit Rebekah seemed aware of the gap between where she was in her life and the rest of us. She was careful not to talk too much about herself, but she was asked a lot of questions by the others, and under interrogation she alluded to vacations in Greece and work trips through Asia, her friends in "wine country", a Victorian near the Mission. In comparison, all my achievements seemed meager. I had never even gone on a real vacation.

I thought of Claire, of all the places she had been. I wondered if she and I would ever visit Greece. The idea made me blush - because it suddenly seemed so ludicrous, so unworkable. I thought of the wedding again; of Claire coming to stay with me. I tried to picture what it would be like meeting her mother. How would she introduce me?

"My friend Sarah..." I imagined her saying, squashing a bitter feeling. 'Isn't that what you would do?' I asked myself. 'Isn't that what you told Wes?'

I looked up to see Kwasi studying me. Darci was talking to Jess, telling a story that was making them both laugh. He smiled and I smiled back.

"I always thought you two would end up together," Rebekah whispered in my ear.

"Who?"

"Kwasi."

"And me?!"

"Yeah I don't know, I just remember the vibe between the two of you. It's nice to see you're still friends."

"He's like a brother," I told her.

But I used the opening to ask Rebekah about the ring, if she and Zach had gotten engaged.

"Noooo - although I think the reason he invited me out is he wanted to be together, but I didn't want to mix work and play - and the work was really good... and Zach... he's a bit of a dog," she said, making a face that was a one part disapproval, but two parts amused admiration.

"No, Zach and I are close. We still work together. But I met my fiancé Chris out there. He grew up in Marin, works in biotech - has a background in microbiology."

"Bad ass."

"Yeah..." she said doubtfully, then laughed before shifting the subject away from herself again. "How about you, are you still with..."

"Danny? No. We split up eight or nine months ago..."

As I said it I realized I wasn't sure exactly how long it had been. There was a time when I knew exactly how long it had been, month, week; right down to the day. I felt good not to know

"Wow! Still fresh. That lasted a long time," she said, clearly surprised. But maybe seeing me squirm, she changes tack. "And now? Are you seeing anyone?"

"Yes..." I start. Now I was REALLY starting to squirm.

"She's being very mysterious about whoever he is," Darci chimed in from across the table. She was smiling but there was an edge of real anger in her voice. Kwasi looked uncomfortable. She knew he knew.

"I don't mean to pry!" Rebekah said, throwing up her hands.

"It's ok," I told her. "It's just early days I guess?"

"Might not last?" she asked.

"I hope it does," I blurted, surprising myself.

I tried to picture what it would be like to tell all these girls I was dating a woman. I didn't think any of them would be upset - at least three of them had dated girls at school. I got the impression Jess still was. But I remembered Darci telling me my reputation at Brown. That everyone had thought I was an "Ice Queen" - it would make for a scene, they would all be shocked. I didn't want to be the center of that kind of attention.

"So what's the deal with you and Darci?!"

Ali and Rebekah were staying in Times Square so after dinner the three of us shared a cab uptown. No sooner had I squeezed into the back seat besides them and shut the door, Rebekah was ON me.

"Seriously!" she continued. "She is knives out for you! Did you sleep with Kwasi or something?"

"What? I-"

"Oh my God Rebekah, you were at the wrong end of the table!" Ali shouted in glee. "All we talked about at my end was Sarah and Darci!"

I felt a shock of horror, and jerked my head to stare past Rebekah at Ali, but Rebekah had spun around to face her as well and both women were laughing and oblivious to me. Was the threesome an open secret? I braced to hear Ali tell the story of the drinking game... or worse.

'Had Darci told people what happened?' I wondered in panicked disbelief. 'Had Kwasi?'

"Darci always seemed a bit... cold around Sarah," Ali remembered. She had moved into the Hill House my senior year; had never known Darci and me as friends.

"I was always nice-"

"You were!" Ali agreed, plunging forward with her story. I was dying inside. Everyone knew about the threesome, and Ali was going to tell Rebekah. I thought she was my friend. It was like a dream where something terrible was happening but I couldn't move, couldn't will myself to act.

"...But Darci was pointedly a bitch whenever she came over," Ali continued, her eyes wide with the excitement of her gossip. "She was so jealous of you! You were every professor's favorite, and the editor of The Round," Ali said, naming Brown's literary journal like it was something important. "Darci had wanted that SO BAD. When she heard you were speaking at graduation she threw a fit!"

"You edited the Round?!" Rebekah asked, " I did too!"

"I know," I admitted. Of course I knew. It was the reason I'd started working at The Round, the reason I'd worked so hard to become editor. I'd wanted to impress Rebekah.

But here I was blinking in shock. I'd never heard any of this. Never imagined Darci might be jealous of my... grades?!?

I guffawed.

A great horse hiccup of a laugh that made both Ali and Rebekah stop and stare at me in horror, then after a long awkward pause, all three of us burst out laughing.

Ali continued.

"That's why, the day after graduation Kwasi moved out of Hill House! He packed up all their stuff and they moved to Brooklyn," Ali continued.

I remembered that rushed departure, how shocking and confusing it had been. Kwasi hadn't given me any warning. He'd told me he'd cover his share of the rent, but I knew he couldn't afford it. I'd had to scramble to find someone to take his room for the summer.

"She was going to be New York's next literary wunderkind," Ali said, barreling on, but towards what I had no idea. I was still so relieved she wasn't recounting the story of Darci and Kwasi fucking on top of me...

"It's all Darci talked about. She applied to every literary journal and magazine in the city, pitched stories to everyone and anyone, trying to make it as a freelancer, but finally ended up teaching kindergarten at a private girls school."

"Brearley is a really good school," I said in Darci's defense. Adding lamely, "She teaches 3rd and fourth grades..."

But this just earns an eye roll from Ali, who pressed on.

"...Sarah meanwhile, who stayed in Providence drawing charts, got headhunted by the mother fucking New York Times!"

"But I-"

"You didn't even know did you?" Ali asked, looking past Rebekah. They were both looking at me, at my obvious cluelessness. "She's never said anything? Has Kwasi not even told you?"

"I mean, I knew something was up, but..."

"I can't believe no one has told you any of this? She's fucking livid! Anytime your name comes up she goes on a tear about how full of yourself you are - not one ounce of fucking self awareness!" Ali exclaimed with a wave over her shoulder at Darci, somewhere behind us. "Evidently Kwasi is horrified by the whole thing, says she's making a fool of herself, but she won't let go!"

Ali's eyes were glittering with excitement as she shared the gossip, but Rebekah's expression was concerned, maybe wondering if I was feeling gut punched by all this.

Was I?

The truth was it was all so random I didn't know how I felt. For so long I'd imagined it had all been about us, about Kwasi, about sex...

"You need another drink," Rebekah said.

"I TOTALLY need another drink!" I sputtered, and then started laughing. We all laughed - in relief? Maybe they were relieved I wasn't angry or upset. But I was feeling a deeper relief, the relief of a weight I'd been carrying for years being lifted.

"Come with us to the hotel," Rebekah said, Ali leaning forward to look past her at me, smiling. "They have this weird indoor swimming pool bar."

"One more drink!" Ali sang.

"OK one more, but then I'm done," Ali announced after our second round of gin & tonics. We had been gossiping and sharing stories while watching a crowd of half naked people - almost all gay men - frolicking in a tiny pool behind a wall of glass. Which, we all agreed, was super sexy.

"I don't think they're here for our conference," Rebekah quipped as she tried and failed to wave down our server.

"I don't know how you do it Rebekah, you're a machine, I can't keep up," Ali said as she stood.

"Why are you leaving?!?"

"I'm not, but I have to find a bathroom. Order me the same."

We sat back down watching Ali go. The bar had mostly emptied out and there was only a group of three incredibly beautiful gay men left in the pool.

"Another round ladies?" our server asked, appearing from nowhere. We laughed and we both nodded yes, Rebekah holding up three fingers.

"Excellent!"

She was pretty, maybe Korean, but a midwestern accent and crooked grin. Her hair was cropped short and she had a tiny heart tattooed on the inside of her wrist. I watched her walking away, wondering idly if she was into girls.

"You cried when I graduated, do you remember that?"

I looked back at Rebekah, trying to catch up, then realized she was alluding to how I cried seeing her.

"I know. I'm sorry about tonight, I was just so surprised... and so happy to see you."

"I could tell. It was nice. You were so young then, I'm glad you haven't changed."

"I'm still a cry baby!"

"You're still the wonderful girl I remember, so fresh. New York hasn't hardened you."

It sounded like something Claire would say. I could feel myself blushing.

"And you still blush!"

"Yes!" I admitted, cover my cheeks with my hands. "All the time!"

"I love that you do, it's impossibly pretty!"

"Ladies!" our server announced as she appeared at our booth with three tumblers of gin on a tray. She was quick, but there was almost no one else left in the bar.

"Oh I love you!" Rebekah cried with real glee as she took hers.

"Ali is right," I said as I took mine. "You are a machine!"

Looking at my drink, I was buzzed but didn't feel drunk. But as I took a sip I was struck by how strong it was. I was getting into dangerous territory. I decided to slow down and milk this one.

Rebekah took a long drink of her's and taking a deep breath, asked, "Can we talk about it?"

"It?" I was just caught so off guard, some part of me knew EXACTLY what she meant because I could feel myself flushing scarlet.

"IT," she said. "I understand if you don't want to, it's just... I want to talk about it so bad."

I picked up my gin and, abandoning my good intentions, took a long drink. She and I stared at each other while I did. Putting down my glass I smiled. "Do you want to go first, or should I?"

"Let me," she said, finger making slow nervous laps over the lip of her glass. "I used to spy on you in my room. I think you knew."

"I was never sure, but I thought you did... hoped you did and that you didn't."

"I'd never done anything like that Sarah. I... never meant- I'm sorry I did it. I hope you don't think I'm a creep. I know it was creepy."

"What I was doing was pretty creepy in the first place..."

"Creepy?! Oh God. No. I don't even know where to begin. It was all so strange and... beautiful."

"Beautiful?"

"Incredibly beautiful," she said seriously. Then after a pause she asked, "Did you ever remember what happened the night of the party?"

"Not really..."

I could see her disappointment.

"What'd I miss?" Ali was looking at us both suspiciously as she slid into the booth and took hold of her G&T. "You two look really guilty..."

""We we're just-"

"Rebekah and I were lovers - kinda," I interrupted. I watch the two women freeze, Ali with her glass halfway to her open mouth, her eyes making an unintentionally comical back and forth between Rebekah and me.

"She was my tutor, and I used to masturbate in her bedroom when I thought she wasn't around," I explained. Ali's mouth was still open, her eyes had gone wide with disbelief. Then I looked at Rebekah, who was blushing and had closed her eyes - in shame? For an instant my drunken bravada was replaced by a jab of horror that I'd betrayed Rebekah, but only an instant.

"I used to spy on Sarah when she masturbated," Rebekah said, opening her eyes, and locking her gaze on Ali, who looked about ready to fall out of the booth. "But then one night we got really drunk at a party-"

"And we fucked," I said, looking at Rebekah, who returned my gaze.

"But... Sarah didn't remember," Rebekah told me, not looking away.

"Awkward, right?" I admit.

"You guys," Ali sputtered. "What... the... fuck?"

"I know," Rebekah said, turning to look at Ali.

"No you don't. Sarah... I'm sorry, I love you, but your whole thing with Danny... your whole thing period... I mean you were seriously the most..."

"Vanilla?" Rebekah offered.

"Repressed?" I volunteered.

"I was going to say the most UPTIGHT girl at Brown."

"I had a threesome with Darci and Kwasi - but really just with Darci."

Now both Rebekah and Ali were sputtering in disbelief. I took a careful sip from my G&T, trying to stop myself from laughing.

"Oh shit," Rebekah said, taking a quick swig from her drink. "That's why you were being coy about who you're with isn't it, you're dating a..."

"Her name is Claire," I admit. "And yeah, I guess I was being coy. Kwasi knows, and I am happy telling you two, but I just didn't want that conversation with the whole table tonight. I know I just made it sound like I'm some kind of super lesbian, but I'm really not. This is all very new to me."

Now it was Ali's turn to finally take a drink. I took the opportunity to turn to Rebekah,

"I really didn't remember," I told her earnestly, squeezing her hand. "I know what happened, because of how I woke up... how my... how I... felt when I woke up... but I didn't understand how it happened, wasn't ready for it to have happened. It's only since I met Claire that I... understand."

My face was hot admitting that. Even though the bar was almost empty and we were well away from anyone else, I had dropped my voice to a whisper. Rebekah was blushing as well. She sucked her lips nervously between her teeth. I could feel Ali watching us, felt bad for her, but knew this needed to be said.

"I've always felt bad about not saying something then," I told her. "I was just so confused."

"You-" she stopped herself. "We-"

I watched her struggling with something.

"What happened was... really good I think," she said finally. "When you told me you didn't remember I was hurt... and even a little angry."

I started to say something, but Rebekah took my fingers and squeezed them.

"But it wasn't until much later that I started to feel differently, to imagine it from your perspective - and I began to worry that you might think I took advantage of you."

"I never-"

"I didn't mean for what happened to happen... but I wanted it to happen... badly wanted it."

"I wanted it too, Rebeka," I assured her. "I'm sure of that."

"Holy shit guys," Ali said, matching our volume - private, conspiratorial. She was lifting herself up off the bench. "I feel like I should go?"

"No!" Rebekah and I blurted at once, both of us reaching across the table for Ali's hands.

I had been so glad when Ali invited Rebekah and I to share a cab, not just because I was ready to leave, but because I'd been catching up with Rebekah most of the evening, and Ali had been all the way at the other end of the table. I hadn't heard from Ali since I left Providence, and it felt so good to see her and reconnect. We hadn't really had a chance to talk much at dinner. It's not like we were ever particularly close. She was very active on campus the two years we lived together. But, socially, I was almost entirely checked out those years. My senior year and the year I spent in Providence before getting recruited by Keith to work for the Times, I was grinding away at my classes and creating my design studio.

InfoPorn, which had started that last year of school as an online project - as a lark really - had gone viral. Featured on Design Sponge and Kottke, and a half dozen other sites, then Vogue had done their thing on me. Then all the sudden I was doing the cover of New York Magazine, and a spread for Vanity Fair. InfoPorn had quickly turned into an actual money making concern that ate up all my free time.

Still, I had really liked living with Ali. She was a vegetarian, and while she wasn't a great cook, she was always good company, so I cooked for her a lot. She would make me laugh and blush with her wild stories. Her calling me "the most uptight girl at Brown" was, I knew, the kindest gloss on how square and sexless she thought I was.

Ali was a petite, but athletic blonde. She had always kept her hair short-ish, but now she was sporting a boyish pixie cut that suited her impish features. She had great big blue eyes, bee-stung lips that made her look like she had an overbite - helped along by a pair of large front teeth, a pretty jaw and lovely pointed chin above a long thin neck. Every inch a Tinkerbell. She was famous at Hill House for having loud pneumatic sex that seemed to shake the old wood framed Victorian to its foundations.

Funnier than listening to her banging away at all times of day and night, was her taste in men. She dated the biggest guys on campus, but never for long. One after another her suitors would emerge from her room looking battered and dazed. Darci had been comically weary of Ali, which may have been why she and Kwasi ended up sitting at the far end of the table with Rebekah and I.

I thought of Danny, who was easily as tall as Kwasi, and almost as big. He and I had never shook the house at all times of day the way Ali and her boyfriends did, and I never cried out and howled the way she did. But stil, I remembered how I'd blush and hide my gaze from her knowing looks when I came down the next morning during his visits.

I smiled as Ali lowered herself cautiously back down, squeezed her hand as she pulled away and reached for her glass, mumbling "for a second it seemed like I was the only girl on campus you didn't sleep with..."

This made me bark a laugh, Rebekah followed, and soon the three of us were back to laughing and telling stories again, but now the subject matter was decidedly raunchier.

Ali told a story about the one and only time she had fooled around with another girl, playing "stink finger" with a teammate in high school. Rebekah told us some of her misadventures with guys in the SF single scene.