Impact 12: of Severences

"Fuck!" I squeaked.

"Are you ok?!"

Blinking away the spots, I was looking at Jen, on her knees, her short hair tousled, lips and chin shining wet. She looked genuinely concerned.

"Yeah..." I moaned reflexively, then once again seeing the two women, in flagrante delicto, I started backing my way out.

"I uh, just was..." I told her, backing out the door. She and Kathy were both frozen, a tableau of illicit office sex, staring at me in shock. I stood in the open doorway staring back at them, dumbfounded.

"Um. Piece is done... OK. Sorry, I guess? Goodnight!" Is all I could think to say, shutting the door and spinning for the elevators.

"Holy fucking shit!" I gasped as I left the lobby, drawing some odd glances from the security guards as I burst out laughing.

There was a line of black cars waiting for me. I told the driver in the first car my address as I climbed into the back seat and pulled out my phone with shaking hands to tell Claire what had happened, but remembered for the upteenth time that she was flying out... like now, that she must be about to board...

Are you at the gate? I'm seriously about to burst, I have a story about Kathy from work I need to tell you!!!

boarded! Flight is packed, my seatmates are a burly Midwestern couple. What happened with Kathy? Are you still making changes?!?

no, I'm done... omg I am still so freaked out my hands are shaking! I walked in on her and her boss Jen

walked in? Fuck I have to turn off my phone! I'll call you from Brussels!!! XOXO

BON VOYAGE!!! XOXO

I stared at my phone, hoping for one last text...

My apartment had never seemed so empty and forsaken as it did that night. It didn't help that it was a mess.

To say I had left in a hurry the night before was an understatement. There were dirty dishes in the sink, food containers in the counter, and a pan half full of desiccated stir fry on the stove. My bedroom wasn't much better. I stripped out of Claire's work safe gear and changed into a robe.

Once the kitchen was clean I picked up my dirty things that I'd left strewn on the floor, in the bedroom, bathroom, AND living room. I sorted them and the rest of my laundry, including my weekend bag I'd brought back from Claire's.

I had a pile of things for the laundromat that I'd drop off in the morning, as well as a dress and some other things for the dry cleaners that could wait. I brought everything else into the bathroom and filled the sink for my hand wash.

Claire had given me a little pink bottle of French detergent. I sniffed the open bottle. It had a subtle floral scent; very Claire.

I looked at myself in the mirror as I moved Claire's mother's panties through the warm sudsy water. I thought of Kathy's face and started laughing.

'My life has gotten really strange,' I thought as I began to strip out of the robe and climbed into the shower.

The hot water felt good, and I tried to allow myself to blank out and just enjoy the feeling of the water pouring over my head. But washing and shaving I couldn't help but think of Claire, of her washing me, of shaving for her, of her flying away through the dark, high above the ocean. I could feel myself sinking into a melancholy funk. I missed her terribly already.

"Snap out of it Sarah Beth!" I commanded my reflection as I wiped the fogged surface. "She's not leaving you. You're not being abandoned!" I told myself, thinking of Rebekah and Darci. I forced myself to smile, to believe what I was saying, or to at least look like I believed.

My phone was buzzing as I came out of the bathroom drying my hair. My heart skipped at the thought that it might be Claire, but quickly realized it couldn't be her. Still, I hopped onto the bed, stretching to get it anyway, just in case. I missed the call. It had of course been my mother, she had left two voicemails yesterday and I'd missed her calls earlier today. I'd told her a million times I couldn't pick up at work. But the truth was, I was avoiding her.

I called her back.

"Hi mom."

"You've been busy."

The knot in my gut tightened.

"Yeah, I'm sorry," I told her, picturing a critical look on her face. "It's been a hectic few days."

"Well I just wanted to tell you how grateful I am to you and Claire and Kwasi. Wes had such a wonderful time, he can't stop talking about it."

I feel my body relax and let out a breath. She's not mad. I can hear the smile in her voice.

"Oh... I'm so glad mom, we all had a lot of fun."

"Claire really does sound lovely. I think he has a crush on her."

"I'm not surprised," I admitted. "She's very pretty,"

"She sounds gorgeous. Will you let her know how grateful I am? Thank her for hosting him for me?"

"She just left for Europe actually. I saw her off... earlier - but, yeah, I'll let her know. She'll appreciate it."

"Claire Claire Claire," she laughed. "You'd never know he'd gotten into NYU!"

"He told you!"

"Of course he told me, why wouldn't he?"

"I don't know, he seemed nervous, I thought he might wait."

"He's very proud. He said you all made a big deal of it - that you threw him a party."

"Karaoke... it was a fun night. How are things there?"

"Difficult. Your father has been in a bad temper and has been making us all miserable. I've been on eggshells here and at work."

"Why work? What's happening there?"

Besides some volunteering with the church, dad had never really gone back to work. Mom had supported the family since the stroke. Growing up, things had always felt precarious, like we were one missed payment or blown head gasket away from disaster. We just barely got by. But with me out of the house and supporting myself, things had seemed better for them - it was one of the reasons I stayed away. I knew it made things easier for her, even if it made her sad. Hearing that her job might be in danger scared me. Her job had always seemed solid, even if our finances hadn't.

"Marcia is leaving," she sighed. Marcia was mom's boss; had been for ten years. They weren't close friends outside work, but their work relationship was an important and positive fixture in mom's life.

"Where's she going? Was she promoted?"

"No, she gave notice. She's moving to Florida."

"Wow. Was that... I mean did you know?"

"No one knew. I don't think Marcia knew."

"Weird."

"I guess. She's been saving, I think her sister dying last year put a scare in her. I don't know. There's rumors of a shake up, that they might even break up the department."

"Well, you've survived shake ups before..."

"I have!" She said brightly, cutting off further discussion. "How about you, why are things so hectic?"

"Work mostly, but between Wes' visit and Claire leaving..."

"You two have really gotten close?"

I squirmed. It was my turn to cut off further discussion.

"So, I saw Father Mike," I deflected.

"You did?! Isn't he wonderful?"

"He is! He took my confession."

"Oh... I'm so glad you did that Sarah Beth."

"Me too. I haven't called yet, but I thought I'd try and see him again this weekend."

"Really?"

"He suggested it... to keep talking."

"You can't imagine how happy that makes me, Sarah. I love the idea of the two of you together in the city!"

My mom and I spoke a bit longer, about Father Mike's church, a new thriller she was reading, and my little sister's poor grades.

"She's boy crazy," she told me.

"I never let that hurt my grades."

"You were never boy crazy," she said.

"Danny..."

"He was crazy for you."

I didn't know what she meant by that, but decided to let it pass. I had begged weariness and she had let me go, thanking me again and telling me how much she loved me. She had sounded lonely.

"I love you too mom," I told her.

I threw my towel on the floor and lay down on the covers, enjoying the temperature. My windows were open. It was warm, but not humid, and there was a little breeze.

As tired as I was I lay in bed a long time thinking of what she had said about Danny, and about me. Had I never been boy crazy? I remember talking to my friends about boys... or maybe listening to them talk about boys. I could remember finding their stories repetitive and embarrassing and confusing. And when we'd gotten old enough to talk about sex I'd never felt comfortable talking about Danny and I; had never talked to any of them about the things we did together. It had earned me a reputation as a priss. Danny had told me other people thought I acted high and mighty, that I was full of myself. I'd told him I couldn't help what other people thought, but it had hurt.

My thoughts drifted back to Kathy and Jen. I knew for a fact Jen was married, I had met her husband at a work function. He was a tall thin man, clean shaven and handsome in an asexual way. Kathy I wasn't so sure. I felt like she might wear a ring but couldn't remember - a boyfriend maybe? Truth was, Kathy wasn't even on my radar till a couple weeks ago.

I found myself picturing the scene again. Jen on her knees. But in my imagination it was Claire sitting in Jen's chair, legs spread, her foot on the desk.

I pictured Claire looking at me in surprise the way Kathy had, but then smiling at me - the arrogant smile, chin high.

I found I liked the idea, that my mind latched onto it. In my fantasy I just stood in the doorway shocked. I could just see Jen's head, Claire was holding her by the hair, staring into my eyes while the other woman continued to eat her out. With just a small hook of her chin Claire guided me to step around the side of the desk so I could see Jen kneeling on the floor, her hands on the insides of Claire's thighs, her thin pale fingers pressing into Claire's soft flesh, her wedding ring shining against Claire's tan skin.

Jen is a thin boyish woman. She has small pointy breasts and narrow hips but an athletic look to her, including a plump muscular ass. I thought of the wet sounds she had made licking Kathy's pussy, imagined her making excited little mewing sounds the way I do when I eat out Claire. I wonder if her husband knows she eats pussy. Somehow I couldn't imagine Kathy going down on Jen; that maybe Jen was like me; more comfortable giving than receiving. Or maybe Kathy just refuses to reciprocate. Somehow that turned me on even more. I fingered myself fast and hard thinking about Jen's excitement as Claire cums in her mouth. I came to the image of holding Jen by the hair, watching her lick Claire's pussy clean - just the way I would.

I fell asleep, naked, a hand between my legs, surrounded by the faded perfume of Claire's shampoo.

I woke up to a text from Claire; it had arrived at 4AM. She wished me a good morning, letting me know she was safe on the ground. I texted to ask if she could talk, but didn't hear back. Her day had already begun, I told myself, knowing things must already be hectic. She was on the move. She would call as soon as she could.

My Wednesday was less dramatic than my Tuesday, but thanks to Kathy and Jen there was still drama.

I'd expected the meeting that morning with Keith and Jen to be super awkward, but kudos to Jen for acting like NOTHING had happened. Kathy meanwhile was sullen. She had hardly been able to look me in the eye but spent the meeting pointing out problems and picking at small faults. She seemed to want a fight but I didn't take the bait.

She wasn't just being a bitch however. Turns out they had gotten some work done after I left and had found a few bugs in my code. Ben said they were easy fixes, made a point to say how clean the code looked.

"The plan was always for Ben to take the final pass," Keith reminded Kathy. I watched her back down, appreciating the guys having my back. "As it is, we're lucky Sarah is such a strong coder. I couldn't have spared Ben this week."

"We're very grateful for everything Sarah has done," Jen told Keith. Then turning to me, she said seriously. "We know you worked hard on this and have you to thank for the final form it took Sarah; excellent work."

The piece would be ready to go live even if fact check turned out to be complicated and lengthy - which no one expected. Before leaving Jen again made a point of thanking me and saying what a great job I'd done. Kathy thanked "everyone".

After they left Keith said something about finding Kathy "peculiar."

"Yeah, you just saved their asses!" Ben asked, outraged. "What the fuck?"

"Clearly something's eating her," I told them dryly.

I spent the rest of the morning working with Keith. He had a bunch of smaller projects he wanted to introduce me to. We sketched, he had me do a series of color studies. Fun stuff. I was back in his good graces.

Kwasi texted, asking if I could meet for dinner at Lil Franky's Saturday night. Our old housemate Ali was in town, a bunch of "us" would be getting together.

Brown Mafia!

Ali was a smart, sprightly girl a couple years behind Kwasi and I at Brown. She had taken over the lease for Hill House from me when I moved to New York. All I'd heard since then was that she had gone back to the Midwest after she graduated. I was curious to hear how things were for her.

Getting together with groups of Brown people always made me anxious - so much pressure and expectation - but I hadn't seen Ali since graduation and really loved her, so I was excited. It would give me something to look forward to. I told him I'd be there.

"Hey nerds."

"Hey Kip!"

"How's my best gal?" he asked in his eerily perfect impersonation of Cary Grant's mid-Atlantic accent.

"Cracker Jack!" I answered in my best Rosalind Russell.

"There's a new Italian sandwich place up on 8th Ave," he announced. "The real deal, best sandwich in Florence or some such."

"Benissimo!" I cheered, dropping any attempt to do Italian as Russell. Turning to the guys I asked, "I'll text you menus when we get there? Let me know if you want anything."

We rode the elevator in silence. Packed in with a bunch of others going out for lunch. Kip's desire to finally hear about Clair and I was like a high pressure system bearing down on us as we watched the floor numbers counting down.

I could feel the pressure building as we walked through the lobby.

Kip was able to contain himself to idle chit chat until we're about fifty feet out on the sidewalk headed uptown.

"Spill it!"

"Spill what?" I teased.

"You are the worst!" he accused; making me laugh. "Everything, start at the beginning."

"I told you, I spilled wine on her blouse..."

"Yes, yes. But how did this start?!" he demanded, waving a hand in circles over me.

"I don't know how it started, it just sort of happened?"

"Just happened? Did she seduce you?"

"I don't think so?"

"Did you know she was gay?"

"She's not-"

This drew a sharp look from Kip.

"...Hadn't?"

"What do you mean 'hadn't'?!?" he asked, looking genuinely confused. "Oh my God. Is this her first time with a woman?"

"Yeah..."

"Is this your first time?"

"KIP!"

"Too much too fast?"

He was laughing but rubbing my shoulder apologetically.

"Yes!" I admitted, with a sigh. "Too fast... but it's ok."

"Sorry." he looked genuinely apologetic - for all of two seconds. "Is this your first time?"

"Yes... kind of?" I was blushing now; could feel the heat spreading up my face. This was nowhere near the first time Kip and I had talked about sex, but this was SO different. "Oh God, I can't believe I'm telling you any of this. I thought we were going to do this over drinks?"

"This is it," Kip said, my confusion momentarily snapping me out of my embarrassment.

"It?"

"The sandwich place."

I had stopped and been staring at my hands, which were balled in fists. I look up. I'm not sure what I expected. Something quaint and provincial? But this narrow nondescript storefront looked like something out of a strip mall - the sandwiches however were fucking beautiful...

"Oh the guys are going to want in on this," I said as I took pictures of the menu and the guys making the sandwiches, texting them to Ben.

"I think we're going to be ok," Kip said over my shoulder. "They sell wine by the glass."

"I need that," I admitted, making Kip laugh.

I got "La Caprese", Kip ordered the "L'Inferno" - both were made on big squares of fresh focaccia. Mine had tomatoes, basil and milky mozzarella. Kip's was piled high with meat and veggies and slathered with thick cream. The girl at the register gave me a questioning look when Kip ordered four glasses of wine. I just nodded solemnly.

The restaurant was noisy and hardly more than a sandwich making station and a cash register, but there was room for us to eat our sandwiches and drink our surprisingly good wine in the window. We crowded together and I told Kip EVERYTHING. At some point he got up and ordered two more glasses of wine.

I think I expected the conversation to be more playful, our usual teasing and sparing, but Kip surprised me and I surprised myself. At first I struggled to tell him the things I'd been struggling to tell myself, but he was a really great listener. As we ate I opened up to him more and more.

"I'm really proud of you Sarah," he said finally.

That made me blink.

"Proud?"

"Your attitudes about guys and sex has always seemed... fraught," Kip admitted. "This is really brave - of both you and Claire, but especially you."

"You thought I was a prude."

"Kinda," he laughed. "Honestly, I have always thought you were burdened with a lot of guilt and fear. God what was that guy who turned out to be married?"

"William."

"The WORST - yuck," Kip said with a cringe. "You just seemed so uncomfortable when you talked about him. So worried about him making moves on you, but so ready to bend yourself into a shape so that he would."

I remembered my awkward fumblings with William. Making out and wondering how long he'd want it to go on, hoping it wouldn't be too long. I thought of touching him for the first time - my hand in his pants, the feel of him cumming in my mouth - and shuddered. I had dreaded that he might want to fuck, but I found out about his wife before we had - it was like being back in high school - except for the wife.

"Now you think I'm a slut," I said with a snort.

"I think that's the dichotomy you live in, prude/slut - that you have few other words to describe your relationship to sex. Being sex positive is a radical step for you," he said seriously. "Until you met Claire sex was clearly something you considered a chore you had to do, not something you should or even could feel good about doing. Overcoming those feelings must have been really hard - like fucking heroic," he said, staring into my eyes.

"Sex positive?"

"Yeah Sarah. It's a simple concept but a huge leap to actually make, emotionally - what you're doing with Claire is fucking amazing."

"Is that what we're doing?"

"Look I don't know? It's definitely part of what you're doing. I get why the rest is confusing, but you'll figure it out - either together or on your own."

Keith didn't even raise an eyebrow when I came back from lunch an hour late and stinking of wine - Ben on the other hand was frantically "hangry". But they were both beyond thrilled with the sandwiches I'd gotten, so all was forgiven.