Impact 13: of Turbulence and Death

"No, it's bad. Sarah, Dad's in surgery. He had another stroke... or series of strokes. I don't know."

"When?"

"He wasn't feeling well all week, you know just the usual - super cranky, but he wouldn't eat and was running a fever last night. Mom was worried, but he got just mad... anyway. I guess he was acting really weird today. Mom said she wanted to take him to the hospital but he wouldn't... then he just stopped making sense, he was talking gibberish."

"Is he going to be ok?"

"I don't know, it's not clear."

"Where's Mom?"

"We're all at the hospital. Mom is with Kelly."

I was crying. Tears were pouring down my cheeks. This couldn't be happening.

"What should I do?"

There was a long pause. I could hear sounds of the hospital and announcements in the background.

"I think you should come."

I felt my stomach drop.

"Jesus, Wes, is he dying? Is Dad dying?"

"I don't know Sarah, it's really not clear. They're trying to stabilize him. I don't think he's about to die, but I don't think there's any good news coming either, it sounds like there was a lot of damage?"

"I should come..."

"I think Mom wants you here."

"OK," I tell him. "I need to talk to my boss... but I'll call Mom now."

"I love you Sarah."

"I love you too."

I hung up and buried my face in my hands and howled. I wanted to scream until my throat was raw and let myself wail until my lungs ached - but I was at work. Instead I sat up straight and took long deep breaths. I felt the tears ebbing and stood up, smoothing my skirt with my hands. When I'd calmed down enough, I went into the bathroom and quickly rinsed my face with cold water.

"Mom?"

"Oh Sarah."

"I spoke to Wes. I'm so sorry Mom."

"He's in surgery... He was so confused, they had to sedate him... and now..."

"I know. How bad was it?"

"They won't say," she whispered. "Your sister's asleep," she explained. I pictured Kelly's head in Mom's lap. I could hear the hospital in the background, Kelly must have been exhausted to sleep in that racket. "They seem optimistic, but aphasia... They'll do tests tomorrow."

"I'll talk to Keith about taking the week off, I can get a flight-"

"Oh Jesus Sarah..."

"It's...," I was going to tell her it was going to be ok, that everything was going to be ok. That's what she had told me. The words had caught in my throat. "I'm here for you Mom. Tell me what to do."

"Don't do that," she told me. "Not yet. I'm ok and he's stable. Not yet."

"But Mom..."

"Let's see what tomorrow brings?"

"OK."

We stayed on the phone for another twenty minutes, talking quietly while my sister slept. She told me all about what had happened. The outbursts and swearing, his confusion. But we also just talked, telling stories, reminiscing. She asked about Claire.

"She's left Belgium and is in France for an art fair in Paris," I tell her, feeling myself squirm. "She's staying with her mom..."

"Her mother lives in Paris?"

I couldn't talk about Claire with my mom right then, I couldn't even lie to her by omission in that moment.

"I went to see Father Mike again this weekend."

"You did?!"

"He's really wonderful Mom, I see why you like him."

"Isn't he lovely?"

"Did you two... I mean were you?"

"No! He was just part of the group. He and your Uncle Pat were best friends. They had a falling out when Mike joined the seminary... Pat was so prickly," she sighed.

Patrick was Dad's older brother, and I often felt like he had left a hole in the family. The only memories I have of him are fragments. Him holding a lit cigarette in his teeth, throwing me in the air at the beach, Dad and Patrick chasing each other around the yard screaming and laughing.

He'd died when I was young. I was a teenager when one of my cousins told me he'd hung himself. I'd never spoken to my mother about that.

She had stopped talking, but I could hear her breathing over the hospital noises on the other end of the line. I listened, trying to picture her, leaving her to her thoughts. She had loved Pat, never talked about him that much because Dad didn't like it, but her memories of him were always warm. Finally she sighed and went on. " ...but I always loved Mike, and was so proud of him when he became a priest."

When we hung up I thought of calling Claire but it would be three in the morning and the fair had already started. I didn't want to wake her up.

I was crying again.

When I got back to the office the guys turned, probably both ready to give me shit about how long I'd been gone, but I must have looked like shit.

"Hey, you ok?" Keith asked, his expression suddenly transformed by concern.

"My dad had a series of strokes?" I told them. I'd imagined taking Keith aside, talking to him privately, but for what, so I could tell Ben a few minutes later?

"Oh jeez Sarah," Ben said, standing up and taking me by the shoulder. "How bad is it?"

"He had one when I was nine... it was pretty bad. This sounds worse?"

Ben folded his arms around me and I collapsed against him. I could feel Keith's hand on my back. My cheeks were wet with tears, but I was all sobbed out. I pulled back and wiped my eyes. Looking at the guys, seeing their concern, I felt incredibly lucky.

'Such good men,' I thought.

"When did this happen?" Keith asked

"Today," I told them. "My moms been trying to get a hold of me but I was ignoring her calls."

Keith's face fell at that, as if it were somehow his fault.

"It's.. he's stabilized?" I reassured him. "I had a good talk with my mom, I told her I'd come but she says I shouldn't... til we know more?"

"Are you sure Sarah?" Keith asked. "You can leave now. Ben and I have this. HR will-"

"Yeah... we talked a long time. I think if I come it means he's dying, and she's not ready for that?"

"Sarah you should go." Ben said seriously, almost an order. "You need to go see him."

"We've got this Sarah," Keith agreed. "Get a flight. I'll take care of things with HR. It's not a problem."

I looked at them both, This isn't what I'd expected. I felt outside myself, disembodied - like an observer. I was going to tough it out. But I didn't, I turned and bolted for the elevator.

WHAMP! SCREECH!!! WHAM! WHAM!

I was vaguely aware that the captain had made some sort of announcement, but hadn't realized it was about landing until the plane was on the ground. I looked over at my seatmate to see he was crying. It was only then I realized he and I were holding hands. That we were still squeezing with all our might. The cabin was in shocked silence.

I started laughing first. Nothing lady-like. It was more like a shout.

"HA!"

My seatmate looked at me like I was farting in church but I couldn't stop.

"AH! HA! HA!"

Then he joined me. If anything he laughed even harder than me. The two of us, faces red and mouths wide opened, leaning towards each other, laughed like crazy people.

"HA! HA! HA!"

Soon enough laughs and cheers were filling the cabin. My seatmate and I finally settled down, we let go of each other's hands and shared a sheepishly grateful moment while the plane taxied to the terminal.

My phone blew up with voicemails and texts as soon as I switched off airplane mode. There was a text from Claire, hoping I had a good day. She was getting an early start, heading to the fair. The voicemails were from Wes.

"Hey I know Mom said not to come, but Sarah, call me back."

My stomach dropped. Wes's voice was tight... I was afraid to call and sent him a text instead.

I just landed. I'm getting a cab, I'll be at the hospital in twenty minutes.

I bolted for the cab stand.

"Good flight?" the cabbie asked.

"No complaints," I told him.

"Why complain?" he scoffed.

"Who would listen?" I agreed, which earned me a dry chuckle.

After that we drove in silence. I stared unseeing out the window of the cab as it cruised through rain blurred highway traffic. I paid him in a haze. Gathering my things and charging through the wind and rain into the hospital lobby. I moved through the halls like a sleepwalker looking for Dad's room.

When I found the room the door was closed. Wes and Kelly were standing outside, she was crying. She saw me, and rushed over.

"Sarah!" she cried, "Oh God Sarah..."

"Father Tanner..." Wes mumbled, his eyes were dry but he looked pale and drawn.

"Is he-" I started but I already knew.

"Oh Sarah!" Kelly wailed.

I felt my legs give a little, but I clutched Kelly for support. I held her, or she held me, I'm not sure which, but I didn't cry, I listened to her, felt her tears against my neck, Wes's hand on my back, thought I should be crying too, but nothing came.

"Where's Mom?"

"She's with him."

The shades were drawn and the room was in shadow, morning light leaking in. Father Tanner was kneeling beside my mother's chair. Across the room, the hospital bed was reclined flat, my father was very still.

Mom stood up and registered her surprise before moving towards me. She looked so thin. When did she lose so much weight? I tried to hug her, but she didn't embrace me, instead she took me by the hands and walked me to the bed. Holding my hand, we looked down on him. His head was bandaged, eyes closed, but strangely sunken and the skin around them was discolored. He looked peaceful otherwise.

"Was it?"

"He was fighting Sarah," she chokes, her face twisting with anguish, "right til the end."

I touched his hand, it was cool, but not cold. I took it in mine, trying not to imagine him surrounded by doctors pounding on his chest, those furious blue eyes wide with fear.

"Oh God Mom, I'm so sorry..."

I thought of his angry blue eyes, glaring. I found myself looking to Father Tanner. The old priest was watching me, his expression drawn up in concern, but somehow still disapproving.

I tried thinking good thoughts about my father, of sitting with him on the porch, listening to him yell at the game, his words still slurred, but his good hand reaching for mine.

"I'm so glad you're here Sarah," my mother whispered.

"Me too," I lied.

I waited in the room with my mom and Father Tanner until a pimply goth kid just a little older than Wes came with a stretcher and a body bag. He waited quietly while Mom kissed Dad one last time. I looked to Father Tanner, thinking he might stay with the boy, but he gestured for us all to go. I guided Mom out, letting Father Tanner close the door behind us. We stood in the hall, leaving Dad with that stranger. I watched Mom hugging Kelly. Wes and I looked at each other dry eyed.

"There will be paperwork that needs to be signed," Father Tanner warned me. I looked at Mom, she looked ready to collapse. Wes had an arm around her, Kelly was holding her hands. They all looked so tired.

"Take Mom and Kelly home," I told Wes, taking him aside. "I don't want them to be here when he brings him out. I'll take care of things here."

Wes nodded and started herding my mom towards the elevators. I followed Father Tanner to the nurses' station, feeling dull and estranged.

I was introduced to a woman named Bonnie who brought me to a "comfort" room with sofas and a table. I listened and Father Tanner looked on while she walked me through the paperwork.

Father Tanner drove me back to my parents house in a big church van. They'd given Mom a prescription for a sedative at the hospital. We stopped at a twenty four hour chain drug store and waited for the pharmacy to open so I could get the prescription filled. Standing on line under fluorescent lights in the big box space behind people whose fathers hadn't just died. It was all so bizarre.

The van wove down wind blown residential streets. It was warm out, and the rain had stopped, so we had the windows open. The air smelled fresh and wet after the storm. I thought of summer evenings riding bikes, playing kick the can, children's voices down side streets - high and screeching, the lower rosy laughter of older boys. I'd felt so free running around, the fastest girl in the world, away from the house, away from my father.

"Don't be sorry you missed him," Father Tanner cautioned me. "He wasn't himself."

It was about nine AM by the time Father Tanner dropped me off at home. Kelly was crying and making a scene with her friends in the front yard. For a moment I stayed in the van, watching the four girls, my sister, inconsolable, breaking away from her friends, being chased down and held. So much drama.

"We all mourn in our own way," Father Tanner said, recognizing my disapproval. I'd almost forgotten about him. I looked over, his long thin face in shadow. "Be patient," he cautioned.

He had been surprisingly helpful while we'd gone through the paperwork, making sure I understood everything I was signing and advocating for me. It had been him who had insisted that Bonnie wrap it up, that the few things I was hesitant to sign could be dealt with at a later date.

I thanked him and got out of the van.

I'd sent Kelly's friends home and, bringing her into the kitchen, washed her face and gave her a sedative. Putting her to bed in our old room brought back unwelcome memories, but I stayed with her until she passed out.

Mom and Wes were still up. They were in her room with the door shut and the curtain drawn. He was in Dad's old chair and she was on the bed drinking red wine. I closed the door and slid onto the bed next to her. We stayed up talking, and telling stories. Mom and I were drinking wine. Wes, after I made him get the bottle from the kitchen, refilled our shared glass whenever I held it out - he rolled his eyes at these demands, but complied.

Mom cried, but not hysterically. We managed to even make her laugh some, and vice versa. After an hour or two I could see they had exhausted themselves and I suggested we all take naps. Mom said half a bottle of red wine was all the sedative she needed, and Wes said he didn't need one.

He helped me pull out the sofa bed in the basement and make it up. He hugged me before going back upstairs by himself.

"I'm glad you came, Sarah," he told me. "I'm really glad you're here."

I undressed, stood naked in the room where Dad and I watched hockey games together. I should have felt something but I didn't. I turned off the lights and climbed onto the folding bed, settling in, trying to ignore the steel bars pressing through the thin mattress.

I texted Claire.

you're working, and I don't want you to stop, but please call me when you're done and we can talk privately, I don't care what time it is. I'm in Buffalo. I love you.

My phone buzzed almost immediately.

"You're at work," I say. "I didn't-"

"What's happened? What's wrong?"

Claire's voice is tense.

"My dad died," I tell her.

"Oh no Sarah... I'm so sorry!" her voice is hushed and kind, and so far away. I picture her standing in a utility hallway in a convention center, or behind a screen in her booth. My heart aches.

"I miss you so much," I whisper.

I'm hiding under the covers, the wash of sunlight from the hopper windows burning through the sheets, I should have closed the curtains. I thought I might cry when I told Claire but I can't. I know I should be sad but I just feel lonely and dry and hollowed out.

"Ohhhh, my love," she coos. "Oh my beautiful love, I miss you too. What happened.. how?"

"He had another stroke - strokes."

Claire is very quiet on her end.

"They operated, but he didn't make it."

We weren't on the phone long, but I didn't have a chance to sleep. Almost as soon as I hung up with Claire the doorbell rang. I got up and started fielding calls and visitors, explaining that the others had been up all night and needed to rest. People from church came by with food. Neighbors and cousins, some of Kelly's friends. My dad's sister Jane called from the airport in Florida to say she was on her way. I hadn't spoken to her in years. I could tell she expected to be in charge, which might not be the worst thing in the world. I told her she should get a hotel room, apologizing that the house was full. She seemed to understand.

That afternoon I went with Mom to the funeral home. Listened as the director explained our options. I was shocked by how much everything cost, watched my mom, stiff backed, trying to make choices. Wes texted to let me know grandma and Mom's sisters and their families had all arrived from Ohio and were at the house.

Her family doesn't have much money, but I told myself they would help her any way they could. I was thinking of ways to talk to my aunts about it, but mom seemed to understand what I was fretting about. She told me about Dad's life insurance policy. It was from before the first stroke, back when we had the big house, and Dad was making lots of money. She had been careful to never let it lapse.

"Wes and Kelly nearly got kicked out of daycare because I paid the fucking life insurance. Your father was furious. I had to take a morning off and beg the woman to give me one more month."

My whole body was cold. I remembered that fight with Dad and I remembered Mom taking me with her when she met with the woman in the daycare office. I had listened to her cry and beg through the door.

"It's a half million dollars Sarah."

"Jesus ma..."

I had no idea.

Friday night was a bit of a blur with everyone in the house and the yard. Mr. Papadopoulos from across the street had to bring chairs over. It was overwhelming at times, all the faces, all the love for Mom, for our family. Even Grandma and Aunt Jane in their stiff-backed ways. Mom was going to be ok.

The service Saturday morning was surprisingly large. I borrowed a dress and hose from Mom. While we were getting dressed she watched me. I felt a bit uncomfortable taking off my robe, but felt like I understood her interest. Looking at Kelly must be like looking at her younger body, the body she had before having me. Looking at me must be like looking at her body if she had never had me.

'If I had stayed home and married Danny the way she wanted I would have had kids by now,' I realized, picturing a five year old boy and a baby girl. I could see them, knew who they were, their personalities. They were real; little ghosts, something I killed with the choices I made.

"Do you shave?"

Her question caught me off guard. I looked at her, saw the direction of her gaze. She was looking at my panties, which were sheer. I felt myself blush.

"Um.. yeah, I mean..."

"Is that common? I mean for girls your age?"

"I don't know? Pretty common? I think so?"

She seemed to consider that. Shrugged and went on talking about the service. She asked if I would speak. I told her I wasn't sure I was up to it.

"You can do it Sarah Beth," she told me, her eyes wet with tears. "Don't say anything sad, there will be too much of that. Say something that will make people happy - do that for me."

Father Mike was waiting for us at the church, in his vestments, I think Mom was as surprised as me.

He embraced my mother. The two of them like that for a long time, the great mountain of a priest wrapped around my mother, making her look tiny and frail. Wes and Kelly and Father Tanner and I looked on, while she wept and they whispered back and forth to one another.

Wes and Kelly each did a reading as part of the service.

I stood and talked about watching the Sabres lose with Dad. How he'd swear and laugh and hold my hand. I managed to make everyone laugh. When I sat down Mom was smiling and crying.