In The Death Cell Ch. 01

I shook my head. "It won't change anything. She broke my heart."

"It means everything, Jim," Jane mused. "Everything."

***

Three days later, Jimmy was eating a bowl of cereal when I walked into the kitchen.

"Any plans for today, Dad?"

"Just the usual Saturday chores, bud. Cut the grass, straighten up the garage, I might even wash the car if I'm feeling froggy. Why?"

"I was kinda hoping you could take me to visit Alison."

I looked up from my coffee and he got nervous. Carrie was leaving the hospital that morning. I wondered if he knew that.

"I understand you don't want to visit her, Dad. You can just drop me off at grandpa's and don't have to come in."

I faked a smile and said, "Sure. If you want to spend time with your mom and baby sister, I understand."

"Dad, I was wondering why you don't want to see her? Alison I mean."

"Do you know why your mom and I split up?"

"Because she wanted to be with that jerk."

I laughed and said, "Right. Alison is their child, not mine."

"Are you sure? I mean, she has red hair. Doesn't that mean she's your daughter?"

I sighed. "I did a test to find that out. I'll probably find out today or Monday."

Jimmy looked sad and then he smiled, "If she's your daughter will you love her?"

Whoa! I wasn't ready for the inquisition to go there.

"I love you, son. If Alison is my daughter, I'll love her just as much."

"What about Mom?" He asked brightly.

I laughed and refilled my mug. "I'm sure your mom will love her either way."

"Duh! I meant will you love mom?"

I didn't even think about the answer. "Your mom hurt me the worst way a wife can hurt her husband, Jimmy. She got pregnant and left me for another man. The love I used to have for your mom is gone. She threw me away."

"Dad, that night when you helped us, wasn't the first time he hurt mom."

"What do you mean?" I was shocked.

"I heard him slap her before. And they yelled a lot." Jimmy had a tear fall from his eye.

I hugged him and asked, "I was never told what that fight was about. Do you know?"

"You. He always put you down. Mom told him to shut up and said he wasn't half the man you were."

"I'm sorry about all of that, son. She chose him over me, and she has to live with that for the rest of her life. Believe me, if I'd have known you were in danger, I'd have done everything I could to protect you. Your grandparents too."

"Why'd she do it, Dad?"

I let him go and we sat down.

"I figure she didn't want to be married to a mechanic. She wanted a flashy life with nice cars and a nicer house. She wasn't happy with what I could give her anymore."

"That's stupid."

I laughed and said, "Sometimes adults make stupid choices, bud. We're only human."

He smirked and said, "Don't forget your second wind."

My head snapped up, "Excuse me?"

"You'll figure it out," he said and jumped out of his chair. "I'm gonna get dressed."

He was out of the room before I realized, and I knew I was in for a battle if he wanted me to take his mom back. I didn't see that happening, daughter or not. God damned Billy Joel.

***

When I brought Jimmy to the door, Jane answered with Alison in her arms.

"Hi, Jim. Have you heard from the doctor yet?"

"No," I answered, trying not to look at the beautiful baby in her arms.

"Grandma, can I hold her?" Jimmy asked.

"Sure, kiddo, but you have to be sitting down. That way I can set her in your arms safely. Little ones are pretty fragile."

"Okay!" He ran into the house as she laughed at his enthusiasm.

"Come on in, Jim. I'll get you a cup of coffee."

"No thanks, Jane. I've got some chores to do around the house. I'll come back and get him when he's ready."

She frowned, but I didn't care. I couldn't be around Carrie and certainly didn't want to get attached to the child. Well, not until I had that damned DNA test back.

As if karma was trying to screw me, I got a call as we were standing on the porch. "I'll take the baby inside and give you some privacy," she said.

"Jim Spellman," I answered.

"Mr. Spellman, this is Amy from the lab at St. Alex. We have the results of your DNA test."

I took a deep breath, not sure if I wanted to know or not.

"Okay, what's the verdict?"

"It's a positive match. We can confirm your parentage to an accuracy rate of..."

I cut her off and hit end. I dropped into the swing they had in front of their large picture window, overlooking the yard. I couldn't believe that bitch was pregnant with my child when she left me. I wanted to scream, I wanted to hit something, I wanted to run, but I knew I could do none of those things. I needed air. I was already outside, and the air couldn't be any fresher. It was as if someone was sitting on my chest.

The next thing I knew was I was crying. Not sobbing, but tears were wetting my cheeks. I had no idea what I was going to do, and I wasn't sure that there was anything I could do. I felt, helpless.

I don't know how much time passed, but I felt a touch on my shoulder.

Dan asked, "Jim, are you alright, son?"

I continued staring into space and said, "I'll never be alright. How could she do this to me? I loved her with everything I had."

He sat next to me silently. He didn't know what to say. Who would've known what to say at that moment?

"Was that the lab on the phone? Jane said you got a call."

"Yeah. It was the lab."

I left the answer I knew he was looking for hanging. I couldn't find the words to admit that I was a father again. A father to a little girl, whose mother left me for a richer man. A father, whose wife left him for a better man who beat her and tried to hurt my son. A father, whose children couldn't live with him.

"Jim?"

"I..." I couldn't say it. I couldn't tell him the result.

"Jim," he said again, putting his hand on my arm. "It's obvious to everyone but you she's yours. Did you really need them to confirm that for you?"

I stood and shouted, "Yes! Yes, they had to confirm it. How could I trust that fucking slut of a daughter you raised?"

As soon as the words left my lips, I regretted saying it. I had just destroyed that good man for no reason other than my anger with her. He didn't deserve it.

"I'm sorry, Dan. Please..."

"No. I know I failed somewhere along the way with her. It broke my heart when you two split. I know you know I never had a son, and when I handed her off to you that day in Church, I was so happy to have you in the family. I love you as if you popped out of Jane."

"Dan, I'm sorry. I know, and I feel the same way with you and Jane. I'm just so angry with her right now. She was pregnant with MY child when she left me to trade-up to a piece of shit shyster that beat her and my son. I don't know what to do."

He stood and hugged me.

"Son," he said stepping back. "The first thing you need to do is call your parents and invite them over here for lunch. They need to meet their new grandbaby."

"I will, but I can't stay. I can't see her now. I can't face her after what she's done to me and that little girl that deserves a father."

Out of nowhere, he slapped my face. Not hard, but it stung.

"That little girl has a father and that's you, God damn it. Don't you ever say something like that in my presence again."

I nodded in shock. "Of course. I'm just in a state of shock right now. It's been an emotional week."

"Son, in crazy situations like what we have here, emotions are going to be out of control. I understand that you need some time and space to get your head right. Go ahead and call your parents and have them come over. You can go and do what have to do, but know this--at some point, you'll have to come to Jesus and meet your baby girl."

I hit my mom's number on the phone and waited.

"Hey, Jim. How..."

"Mom, can you and Dad come to Dan and Jane's for lunch today? Carrie had the baby and she's your granddaughter."

"What!"

"Yeah. She's my little girl."

I started crying again. Reality kept punching me in the eye and I couldn't dodge the hits.

"Jesus, Jim. I'll get your father and we'll be right over there."

"Thanks, Mom. They're expecting you."

I ended the call and looked at Dan. "Do you think I could hold her?"

He smiled and said, "Of course. Come on in."

"No, I can't see Carrie. Can I just sit with her out here? Me and Jimmy and Alison?"

"Sure. I'll go and get 'em."

I sat down on the swing and waited. I started to shake with nerves. I changed my mind and was about to leave when Jane came out and handed Alison to me. My Alison. She was asleep and didn't stir when placed into my arms.

I cradled her and gently rocked the swing. Jimmy was a few seconds behind and jumped on the swing as only a 10-year-old boy could do.

"Ain't she pretty, Dad? She could be Batgirl for Halloween."

We all laughed, and I said, "You bet. You can be Batman and she can be Batgirl or Poison Ivy." Both were redheaded comic characters.

As if on cue, she woke up and started crying.

"Looks like someone's hungry," Jane said.

"I'll take her," Carrie said from the doorway. I didn't even realize she was there.

"I'm sorry, Jim. She's breastfeeding and I haven't pumped any bottles, otherwise..."

"No, it's fine." I kissed my daughter's forehead and handed her off to her mother.

I was about to say goodbye, when my parents pulled into the driveway. My mom was practically running up to the house, and it was clear she'd been crying.

"She's getting fed," Jane said, giving her a hug. "Come on in and meet her."

My dad laughed as he walked up. "She's been half bitching and half crying since she hung up the phone with you. I didn't put my shoes on fast enough. I wasn't driving fast enough. She cursed the whole way about every stop light we hit. She's a puddle right now."

Dan shook his hand and said, "Al, we have a damn mess on our hands."

My dad gave him a 'no shit, Sherlock' look, turned to me, and said, "Well, I'm sure it'll all work out. Right, Jim?"

"I have no idea, Dad."

***

When I got home, I busied myself with yardwork, but I couldn't get my mind off of my daughter and what I was going to do. I knew I'd need to call my lawyer and let him know that I'd need visitation worked out for both children and not just Jimmy. I knew I'd have to pay more child support, but I didn't care about that issue. I'd always support my kids.

I walked into the house after cutting the grass and looked at my kitchen. It felt like I just took all of the child proofing off of the cabinets, and now I'd have to put it all back on. I was glad I saved all of those little things in a box in the attic. I realized I'd have to pull down the crib and other baby furniture we saved and Carrie left behind. I guess her better man could afford new stuff for the kid, why use the old hand-me-down stuff we had?

I hated that Jimmy would have to share a room with the baby when they visited and my room wasn't big enough for the crib to be added, so it would have to go in the family room. Maybe I'd have to buy a larger house after all, I thought.

I did some cleaning around the house. I'd forgotten what a mess a boy can make after not having Jimmy around for so long. Cleaning had never made me so happy before.

***

I had just sat down in my favorite chair on the patio with a cold beer, when my gate opened.

"You out here, Jim?" My dad called out.

He and Dan walked around the side of my house and sat down across from me.

"Can I get you guys a beer?"

I didn't wait for an answer, I knew that if they were at my house alone, it was serious, and they'd need a drink. I went in and brought out the cooler bag with the 11 beers I had left from my 12 pack.

"Alright, guys. Let me have it," I said.

Dad laughed and said, "You think we came here for a hard talk or something?"

"Something like that," I snorted.

"It's not that bad, Jim," Dan said. "We know your mind is in a daze, a shock, and probably a hundred other things we can't describe. We know you went from blissfully ignorant, to dumped, to having no contact with your boy, to now being a new father. Son, that would crumble a weaker man."

"Jim," my dad said with a grim façade. "You're gonna be a daddy to that little girl, we know that."

I nodded, waiting to see where he was going, and I didn't like the look nor sound of what was happening so far.

"Have you put any thought into your relationship with Carrie?"

I laughed. Not a chuckle. Not a hardy har. A full-blown belly laugh.

"There is no relationship with Carrie, Dad. She tossed me away, thinking she found a better option. What are you expecting? You think I'm going to run over to Dan and Jane's, pick her up, and bring her home, like she was away on a trip? Are you fucking nuts?"

"No, Jim..."

"There is no chance in hell. Do you understand? Nada, zip, zero, zilch. I'm not what she wants and her having another child by me isn't going to change that."

"She thought it was his baby. That's why she went to him," Dan said, defending his slut of a daughter.

"Are you listening to yourself?" I don't know if I was foaming at the mouth, but I'm sure spit was flying all over as I yelled at them.

"She thought it was his baby. How could she have the possibility of having another man's child if she wasn't fucking him before she left me? She was cheating on me and for who knows how long? She betrayed me. She broke my heart into fucking pieces and threw them into the street for the garbage man. Alison being my child does not change that."

"Jim, we get it."

"You get shit! She wanted to trade up. She wanted a flashy Lexus and landscaped yard. Trips to Europe and Mexican beaches. She fucked up and picked the wrong guy. If she thinks she can fall back on me as plan b, she can forget it."

I spun around and walked into the house. I locked the sliding door and closed the blinds, hoping they would take the hint and leave me alone. I hated yelling at those two, but I couldn't take it anymore.

***

I didn't hear from them to pick up Jimmy, and it was getting close to dinner time. I didn't know if I should call, or just head over and get him. I did not want to go and have to sit waiting for him to get ready leave. I wasn't ready to face them, nor face Carrie.

That issue was answered when I got a text from Jane.

"We're taking Jimmy to Red Robin for dinner. You can join us and take him home from there."

I didn't even consider that Carrie and the baby would go with them. Who would take a three-day-old child out to eat? So, I decided to join them. What's the worst that could happen? I figured Jimmy would be a good buffer and keep us from getting too deep into Carrie's future. I didn't expect the little Judas named after me would be on attack.

When I walked into the restaurant, I saw them sitting and digging into an onion ring tower. The sight made me smile, but sad at the same time. Jimmy always insisted we get onion rings when we used to go as a family.

"Hi, guys," I said, smiling as I sat.

Everyone was in a good mood and the conversation started out light. That all changed after dinner.

"Dad," Jimmy started. "I think we need a bigger house."

I laughed and said, "I was thinking that. I don't see you and your sister sharing a bedroom when you're visiting."

"NO!"

"Jimmy, calm down," Jane chastised.

"We need a bigger house so mom and Alison can move in, and we can all be together again. I don't want to go back to Greg's house."

"Son, you're not ever going back there except to get your stuff," I said. "He's going to jail."

He smiled brightly and said, "Thank God. I missed my old room and our house."

Dan frowned and said, "Jimmy, didn't your mom tell you? You, your mom, and Alison will be staying with us for a while. Your mom will find a new house where you can live very soon."

"If that's what's happening, I want to stay with dad. Why can't I do that?"

"Jimmy, it's complicated," I said. "The judge gave custody of you to your mom. I'm very lucky that your mom let you spend these last few days with me and the next week."

"It's not fair, Dad. Why do I have to suffer?"

I looked at Dan and Jane for help and saw by their looks, I was on my own. Parenthood vs. grandparenthood, I suppose.

"Jimmy, you're too young to understand this, but it isn't fair to me either. One day, I had a wonderful family and the next day, I lost you, your mom, and my whole life. Jimmy, I lost everything that I loved in one sentence from your mom. When she told me that ass... I mean, Greg, got her pregnant and she was leaving me, she broke me."

"Too bad."

"Jimmy!" both Dan and Jane shrieked in unison. Now they step in, I thought.

"She knew she made a mistake. That's why they fought. He was a jerk who lied to her all the time. Whenever he slapped her, she'd sleep with me and tell me that she missed you too. She made a mistake, Dad. Like the song says, she's only human. She gets to have a second chance."

I shook my head. The revelation that she missed me, while living with the asshole, was a new development, but I couldn't let Jimmy think we had a chance at his fantasy.

"Jimmy, the song isn't about giving a second chance to someone. It's about not giving up and trying again when you fail." As soon as the words left my lips, I knew what he was going to say. He didn't disappoint.

"See! You're giving up. You're not trying again."

I took his hand and said, "Son, if I could go back in time and change what I did to make her leave me, I would do it in a second. I loved your mom more than anything in the world. When you came along, my life was complete. I had everything I'd ever need. I had the world on a string and your mom cut that string. I'm not saying that, so you get mad at her. She loves you as much as she ever has and never stopped. I'm telling you that so you can understand how I feel and why I can't just take her back."

Dan spoke up, "Well, I think we should call it a night. It's been a long day."

I looked up and nodded. "Good idea. Let's head home, Jimmy."

Jimmy was not mollified. We had a similar conversation once a day while he was with me. He eventually tried a different tact and got more civil and dispassionate. It still didn't work.

***

Ten days after Alison was born, Carrie showed up on my doorstep.

"HI, Jim. May I come in?"

I waved her in and called out, "Jimmy, your mom's here."

It sounded like a herd of elephants running through my small house as he barreled into the room.

"Hi, mom!" he shouted almost knocking her over with his hug. "Where's Alison?"

"She's visiting with grandma and grandpa Spellman."

"Aw! Okay." He darted off into his bedroom.

I turned and asked, "Are you here to take him home? I'll go get him ready."

"No, Jim. I came to talk with you, if that's okay?"

I don't think I hid the frown well enough when I motioned for her to sit.

"Can I get you a drink or something?" I asked, uncomfortable that she was sitting in the same room with me.

"No, thank you. Jim, because of circumstances, I never got to talk to you before the divorce."

"Circumstances? You mean the bullshit restraining order you got put on me that almost cost me my job."

She frowned and looked away. "That was Greg's idea. He wanted revenge for your attack, and..."

"Attack? Jesus, you've got some serious issues with remembering reality. That was no attack, that was retaliation. He took my wife, I had to act."

"You didn't have to kick him at the barbecue."

"Probably not, but he didn't have to say that I was a cuck-pussy in front of Jimmy when I was trying to leave and comply with your court order either. You knew I'd be at that party. You should never have gone."

She looked away again and said, "You know, he had issues getting an erection after that kick. I guess you broke a blood vessel or something. He'd never tell me what the issue was."